|
Thursday August 28, 08
|
|
04:02 PM - well...
|
|
I don't know.
But I have caught him looking at me more than once. He had cut his eyes towards me. I didn't turn my head, but looked out of the corner of my eyes at him. He looked quickly away.
I'm not sure if that's a standard post-break up game or what where people wonder what the other side is doing. but he tried to change seats today. the mutual facebook friend decided to make his appearance in class for the first time today, and even though Robo had a seat staked out somewhere else from last tuesday and Robo was friends with some of those people that facebook guy was sitting with, he appeared to be asking the people around that area if all of the seats were taken. They were. Of course, the other interesting thing is that we would have been facing one another the entire time in class thanks to half-circle shape of seats in class.
anyway, i'm on a Toto kick thanks to that episode of Scrubs.
I've been catching some of those episodes in re-runs. Prime-time shows are generally too early for me. Plus, I'm more into dramas so I don't actively seek out comedies.
At night, however, I leave the TV on and it pops up and I find it funnier than I thought it would be.
There was an episode of Scrubs where J.D. is soaking in the bathtub and he harmonizes along with "Africa."
Suddenly, the tune gets stuck in your head.
and THEN, on two separate mornings, my alarm clock went off and "Africa" was playing!
I guess the song also digs at me because it is a place i SHOULD have gone while in Spain. You look at a map and say, "wow! it's RIGHT THERE!" because the American line of thinking is that Africa is on some distant planet (no doubt fed by the idea of "racial purity") when in reality, its visible from the southern coast of Spain and there have been centuries of intermingling between the two. It's not like the Moors said, "stop! we can't go there. That's a completely separate continent!" Back then, it was just some land mass that was visible on the horizon.
of course, it IS interesting that on that other land mass, there is a very different culture and religion. Imagine if you boated across Town Lake and found that they spoke a completely different language!
Even so, Spain and Portugal acknowledge their proximity. The "spanish tiles" that were brought to Mexico (and used very prominently in Portugal) are actually an Arabic influence.
speaking of my spanish experience...
Homewrecker is in one of my classes, although we don't really acknowledge one another. My feelings are not very hurt by this, although I feel indignant being regarded like that by a person such as her. ...Although finding out that information makes me feel better. I know I'm not a sociable individual by any stretch of the imagination, so I'm always willing to doubt myself when I'm being excluded by the herd...but now I feel like I've found the true face of who was in that group. There were a handful of nice, normal people. The rest of those people....let's just say that they aren't the kind of people I'd actively socialize with if I was given a chance.
|
|
Tuesday August 26, 08
|
|
07:27 PM - going to test the waters
|
|
i'm sorry, but i can't live like this.
and if it was a mistake that i got involved with him, well, i can't wash it away because i'm probably going to see him every day. if i'm being weak by buckling, well, i'm sorry, but there isn't an off-switch. i can continue being unnerved, depressed, and unable to sleep, or i can try to fix this. i don't exactly have a grapevine to exploit in knowing what his thoughts are, and if i get beaten down...well, i don't know. however, it remains my gut feeling that it has to be done no matter how "wrong" it might look, or how degrading it might actually be. I can't let the right thing destroy me when emotions are based upon something else.
not that i'm calling him. i've posted something innocuous on his Innocence Project page in response to a message he sent out to all of the members about getting it started up. if i don't hear from him....well, i don't know. there just has to be relief from this somewhere.
|
|
01:26 PM - it was about what i expected
|
|
yes, these two days back, I keep seeing him and it's about what I thought it would be.
Well, i did have the hope that it would be something, but the expectation, i guess, is always closer to the mark.
i might explain in more depth later, but i'm just tired. i didn't really sleep last night. it was like my engine was running really hot, and i felt feverish (even though there was nothing wrong with me) so I was uncomfortably warm all night long.
heh. unless he changes his classes around, he might be in my Negotiations class. of course, it would REALLY suck if he were within my 8 person section. it will then give a new definition to the class because it's a practice skills course.
"you didn't have to be a jerk."
"I told you i was a jerk. Why are you so surprised?"
I wouldn't be surprised if it happened. By some weird coincidence, he ended up sitting in my old carrel last year out of the dozens available. I can just see us winding up in the same section.
If not, well, i guess it will make a great premise to a movie!
"The Negotiations."
Come on, there must be a god in heaven, right? It's weird enough that I see him in my Racism class even if he does sit across the room.
And, of course, i came out of the room on opposite door and was talking to this guy who was an acquaintance in my first year. we cut across the hall just as he was coming out of the other door. Even though he was fairly leisurely in leaving the room to begin with, he sprinted out and into the the wilderness.
|
|
Monday August 25, 08
|
|
09:45 PM - dat vahs veerd
|
|
the high school friend who dropped me from facebook sent me a brand new friend request.
was it because i told this other classmate who might have asked him about it?
|
|
Sunday August 24, 08
|
|
10:41 PM - bitchy me
|
|
the person who told me the story of my roommate decided to go hunt for her correct name as i could not remember it.
I knew her first name, of course, but if i knew her last name, it was mentally replaced by the last name of somebody else who has a very similar first name. After all, nobody really needed last names in that environment. Not when there are 23 people..
tonight she wrote back, "I looked it up. her name is (Jane Smith)."
Feeling my oats, I said, "her new name is Homewrecker."
yes, by god, that was cattier than a contestant on Project Runway. but here i was, beating myself up for being a bad roommate for not trying to be more friendly with her and thus putting a damper on my Spain experience...but i think the fact that she does that shit just hits the nail on the head about what kind of person she is.
yes, i do see the bad in people much more than i see the good, but i think there has been more than one time where I seriously misjudge how BAD some people can be. the guy in the WLA is a chief example. Maybe it's my own limited dealing with people, or the fact that I've been erroneously led to believe that Oprah has cured all neurotic behavior just by pointing out that it's stupid to stalk and hit people and so forth. But there are just times when, especially when pitted against my own faults, I'm way too willing to see the person as better than what they are and myself as being deserving of what they dish out. it's much easier to examine faults when its just the person by themselves or in comparison to a 3rd person. i tend to start blaming myself or inflating their opinion as being super-worthwhile when it's just me pitted against this person. to me, it at least makes sense because i need something to explain why i sit at home a lot, and it seems too contrived to say that everything is everybody else's fault. i know a lot of it's my fault that i do, but i'm so socially inept that i can't tell you what the reason is.
|
|
03:42 PM - it explains a lot....
|
|
today, i had lunch with some of the WLA board members.
Eventually, the subject turned towards my time in Spain. I told them who my roommate was. they didn't know her until I described her a little bit. This one girl said, "OH! I know who she is!"
She then explained that at the last auction, this guy bought her some jewelry because they were dating.
That, in itself, is not that exciting. BUT, the guy was an older 3rd year law student who was married and whose wife just recently had a baby.
So, how he phrased it to someone was, "hey, do you think a woman would like this? Would you recognize it if someone was wearing it around campus?"
It wasn't like he was hiding the wife and baby. They were on his campaign posters when he was running for a spot on the Student Bar Association.
I thought about her stint in Spain where she dropped chasing after this one perfectly nice and attractive guy when this other guy (the guy we referred to as 'Cuban Ken' because he was handsome, well-mannered, incredibly rich, etc. to the point that nobody could believe he was an actual living, breathing straight man) expressed interest.
There was one whisper that had possibly had something going on back at home. But as my roommate said, "as everybody says here, 'what happens in El Escorial stays in El Escorial!"
At the time I thought "maybe she's being a bit deluded and taken in by his cash and connections. plus, she is also obsessed about a fairy-tale definition of 'love.' Maybe she has led herself to believe that he can change or that he will love only her...."
Now I realize that she's nothing but a hussy!
Of course, I amused myself with the possibilities of what this really meant.
"what if she was cheating on the guy that was cheating on his wife?"
If anything, I think it helped solidify a few of my suspicions about her. One, I think that maybe her disdain for me and how it coincided with the fact that I was single again was not coincidental. After all, she's apparently made a career out of stealing other women's men. I can see why she would be pissed off that there was another woman on the scene interfering with her action.
to me, that's screwed up. I can see where you are dating a guy and he lies about his relationship status and then you become shocked and dismayed. I can see how you can fall in love with a married guy and delude yourself into thinking that he will leave her. This is just plain gross. It's like an ego thing where she has to run out and steal other women's men. she's very attractive, keeps herself up nicely, and is a prissy little thing. surely, she can get a man that isn't giving her the leftovers.
well, if nothing else, i can at least take the moral high ground and say that it wasn't just me that made the entire roommate situation suck. it sounds like she has mental problems. ...not that the guys that cheated with her are prizes by any stretch of the imagination. I'm just saying that if i knew a guy was married and had a baby, I'd have a hard time holding my head up around people that also KNEW he was married with children....yet, she apparently had no problem with it because I guess she thought it was cool.
|
|
Saturday August 23, 08
|
|
09:46 PM - the plate glass windows
|
|
today, we had law journal orientation.
other than signing people in, I was fairly useless.
I was standing around at the back of the room talking to people when I looked out of the gigantic room-sized windows and saw a person walk down the sidewalk.
A little heavier than what I remembered, i wasn't sure if that was actually him with the yellow baseball cap and sunglasses. It has been over 3 months, after all.
however, he was carrying a bag full of books from the bookstore. he was very deliberately looking down at the ground in a way that you would think he was looking for something (or hanging his head in shame), walking fairly slowly, not even looking through the windows to see what was going on, and with an obvious scowl on his face.
IF that was him....which I wasn't completely sure if it was...I'm thinking "dude! you got popped for being a complete dill hole nearly 3 months ago. Get out the instant replay, bring in John Madden, and have him explain it to you with a diagram why i was pissed!"
unless that head-hanging was from shame and was being very deliberate to show how sad he was.
yes, that guy cracks me up sometimes.
anyway, in completely different news...
one of the 2L's at orientation said that they heard through one of their internships that they had pulled the plug on the public defender's office where I used to work!?!?!?!
i'm not sure how reliable this info is. I went on the commissioner's court website and pulled up meeting notes and saw that there was an item on the agenda APPROVING state funds for the APDO. of course, i put in an email to my ex-boss with hopes of an explanation. i hope it was a 2L being a 2L....after all, at this point, the 2L's are nothing more than 1L's who just came back from an entire summer of downtime. They can find their classrooms, can point people towards the cafeteria, and are allowed to take upper-division classes, and that's about it at this point.
yes, i hate to be blunt about it, but it's amazing how much you THINK you know after you come out of your first year, and it's amazing to find out how much you don't know once you go out in the working world.
but maybe she was right. after all, i can't imagine why the 4th court would be sitting around and saying, "isn't it great? they renewed the APDO's grant for next year!"
you might wonder why they did it. after all, the point of having APDO was to save money from having an appointment system where they had to pay individual attys a salary for each job they did as opposed to paying one salary for unlimited work. well, i think maybe it has something to do with the fact that there are budget short-falls, and even though it is nonsensical, it might be a token gesture to the DA's office who is also being forced to make cuts...or at least, not hire as many attorneys.
of course, my thought is, "you can save a lot of money by not prosecuting a lot of the b.s. that you prosecute for."
yes, prosecute the child molesters and murderers. But do we really need to prosecute kids for felony graffiti for writing their names on their desks while at school? or how about drug users that hurt nobody but themselves?
it's what happens: you hire more cops. They go out and arrest more people. Those people have to be charged and prosecuted or have their charges dropped. So, you need DA's and you need people to defend them. I'm sorry, but the constitution guarantees a criminal defendant the right to an attorney. you can't cut out their attorneys as much as you would like to cut out the hinderance that prevents you from sending the scumbag straight to jail.
maybe the office became a victim of its own success. they popped one judge for showing obvious bias in the courtroom and it stuck on appeal. that same judge apparently has been out for that office ever since then...and maybe she got her way. but you know what? if you don't want to be embarrassed like that, DON'T DO THAT CRAP. it's that simple.
|
|
Friday August 22, 08
|
|
05:15 PM - not to beat a dead horse, but...
|
|
let's say that you break up with someone. you let them down relatively nicely from all accounts (in spite of doing it by email). That person hits you back and tears you a new one.
Now, would you expect your friends to be all friendly with her on facebook? would you expect your friends to be giving her a friendly high-five?
now, if you were the woman, would you expect this treatment considering the situation AND the fact that both guys are in a relationship?
if you were the guy, would you feel betrayed by this? i would be pissed if my friends started openly friendly with a guy that did that.
it's just....weird.
|
|
06:57 AM - just beat it! beat it!
|
|
vaht a veerd day.
so, yesterday, i was at school working on law journal crap. i went outside and stumbled across the orientation event for the incoming first year students.
one of the guys helping out with it is the SBA (student bar association) president AND the guy who subletted his room in his rent house to Robo for the summer. I've maybe had one or two brief conversations with him at the end of the year last year and they may have been at some point while he was running for SBA, so the tone was obviously very brief and "vote for me" (I don't get out much and he's one of those BMOC types who had girls showing up at the rent house and leaving him cookies and such in an attempt to woo him). I think MAYBE i saw him briefly at Robo's house once or twice....and that's a stretch because maybe he was there for 10 minutes before running off on one of his insanely busy and fun-filled days that those types have and that i will never experience.
So, anyway, the guy sees me and was all "heeeyyyyy, how's it goinnngg? what are YOU up to?" in the most massively friendly/"aren't you a hot little thing!" tone that was way more familiar than what I SHOULD have gotten from him. He kind of acted like maybe he wanted to talk some more to see what i was up to, but i kept on walking.
anyway, much later on, i was outside again. i was walking to the campus store to get some snack foods for the afternoon when he crossed my path again. i was walking in one direction and he was walking right towards me on the same sidewalk. since it was in the same area where I ran across him the first time, i started to say, "we meet again!" He put his hand up and said, "on top!"
So, i gave him a very perplexed hi-five.
my thoughts are: does he know that Robo and I haven't seen each other in two months and he thinks that he's being nice to Robo's g.f.?
If he knows that, is there something else going around which has earned me a hi-five?
Or is he being a typical law school political candidate and figuring that it's better to react that way than to ignore me or act weird?
"as your SBA president, i am letting you know that i have not chosen sides in this matter!"
which is, in itself, weird because his other buddy (the one on facebook) was OPENLY being incredibly nice to me in spite of everything....which is BIZARRE in itself because they are GOOD friends. and Robo can read what this guy writes to me. He didn't cancel his account. He just set it so that I can't see what his profile.... ...and i got confirmation of this when I was RSVP'ing for the back to school party. At the bottom of the page is a messages section. He wrote a very perfunctory "out of town."
Yes, three words. and not "sorry, dude, i can't make it" or anything more conversational than that. it was almost like he was testing the waters.
|
|
