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Saturday October 24, 09
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12:38 AM - wonders what to do sometimes....
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So, SA is obviously not the world's most exciting place at the moment since my social life is a vacuum.
However, I wonder at moving back to Austin.
Last Christmas, I was lying there alone in bed, and I had dreams that at next Christmas, I would have someone I could share the holidays with.
Well, I guess that's not going to happen again. I've wasted so much time on guys (plural) that ended up wasting my own time. Right now, I feel like I'm up against insurmountable odds just because I can't even find a guy who shows willingness to actually pursue a relationship.
Today, I had an interview with an agency here in town.
I have mixed emotions about that.
It would be great to be amongst "friends" again, but it seems like half of the time that I go and hang out with them that I cringe at the time warp everybody is living in. I think a major source of the problem is that they've got Dorian Gray complexes from working in the university system. Instead of maturation, they lead lives similar to college students.
Tonight, I met up with "the gang."
What happened was that S said, "let's go out to eat!" then it changed to "let's go over to this other chick's house!"
Later on, it morphed into, "my allergies are acting up and now I can't go!"
But A went, so I tagged along with only a small inkling of what was going on.
I vaguely knew that one woman from various other parties. I gathered fairly quickly that her roommate was quite masculine. Then, it finally became known to me that the party consisted of me, A, two lesbians, a woman sliding into middle-age who already has a kid at home, and a guy who smelled like an ashtray who was dating some weird Asian chick.
Granted, they watched Shaun of the Dead and Harry Potter complete with an overdub track by some comedian, but still, at least hanging out with guys like Robin would have been a slight improvement because it would have at least given me some hope that I will ever have male companionship again.
I know that S is married and A is in some sort of major funk because of some guys she has dated plus the fact that her dad is a skuz, but on my god! even if I found a job in SA, I could at least put down roots and have some excuse for joining some clubs or taking some photography classes. I seriously wonder what would happen if I end up back in A-town.
And a lot of it is just me. I think that one thing that law school has done for me is that it has finally rendered me completely homeless. I haven't seen Ft. Worth since I was about 10, I haven't been to Texarkana for a few years now and I especially hate going back because I can sense the despair of no longer having any grandparents, and now, I've managed to outgrow many of the attitudes of Austin; this while I haven't really put down any roots in SA because everything I knew in San Antonio (the law school) is now almost completely gone from my life. On the weekends, I pretty much stare a hole in the wall from literal boredom.
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Sunday October 18, 09
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08:15 AM - women, i've ceased judging you...
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From Teacher in El Paso to Chatty here in San Antonio, if, in spite of your better judgment, you keep pursuing fruitless relationships, I will understand...
Maybe it's typical to see the world through your own spectacles, but suddenly, relationships with the wrong man seem to be in vogue.
Having been in their spot, one of the tell-tale signs that you are wasting your time is if you are too embarrassed to talk about your man.
It is absolutely true. I don't care if he's acting like your friend again, that the two of you had a lovely time last night, and he told you personal stories about his pet dog spot. If you can't mention him to anybody, you know exactly where all of this is going.
Take Chatty, the gal who I tried to unsuccessfully spur into dating the military guy. He is 40 years old. He is attractive, is in law school, just retired from the military, and appears to be a nice guy.
Well, maybe I told this story here, but they hung out quite a bit, and quite often. They spent hours together, and he would text her and tell her what a great time he had the night before. Anyway, he flakes out and tells her that he can only be her friend because of their age difference and because he has been chasing this other lady for 16 years.
Things blow up. There is a text message war. She doesn't see him all summer. Then, they go back to school, and what does he do?
That's right: He just doesn't let it drop.
He wants to be her "friend" again and keeps sending messages saying that he wants to talk to her. I assume over the process of this that she develops hope that he will actually progress beyond being "a friend"...I mean, after all, why would he bother so much if he wasn't interested, right?
Well, they go back to square one. She apparently sends another ultimatum. Then, one night, he sends her an incredibly long email which was apparently super mean and tells her that she has "attachment issues" and so forth.
But what does he do a few days after he sends this email? He tries to talk to her again!
I can see how the wheels are working in her mind. "He wouldn't bother sending me that if he didn't like me!"
Having been in her spot, I told her truthfully, "you can have this guy back in your life and nurture some sort of hope, but at what personal cost to you?"
And when all of this stuff was being rekindled, I hadn't heard a goddamn thing about it. I found it weird that she just sort of disappeared, and I almost took it personally, but now I understand.
I'm not saying that because I'm some wizened individual, or that I've proved my activities to be what all women should follow. But I can predict with almost certainty that within a month or two that things will be back at square one. They see too much of each other since they go to the same school together. I'm just lucky that my problem child is moving back to Dallas.
I don't know how to describe them. You almost wonder what is mentally wrong with them if they are completely insistent on creating incredibly unhappy women. However, Military Guy told her friend that he was just going to keep it on the middle ground and ride the situation out until her feelings "became an issue."
As if they weren't already an issue!
In my situation, I think the true "beginning of the end" in terms of him pulling away from me was the day after the bar exam.
I drove my car to meet them at a bar. He didn't offer to come pick me up. All the while, he made it sound like he wasn't going to do much celebrating because he was going to pick up his son the next day.
After we were at that bar, everybody moved to the "official" site of the celebration. I asked where it was. Instead of getting a straight answer, he offered me a ride over. I particularly didn't care for that because I don't like leaving my car anywhere, but I thought, "OK."
We got to the bar, and then a short while later, he hands me HIS keys and then gets completely wasted.
Yes, I got to be a designated driver after I too had taken the bar.
It was OK in some respects because I was done drinking, but I was also stuck there. We were close to leaving, but somebody offered to buy us a round. I declined, but he partook of another. All the while, I became angrier and angrier. I was tired, hadn't had any supper, and, in spite of his big talk, was getting completely trashed.
He was so trashed that when we finally got to my house (I obviously couldn't drive him back to pick up my car) that he laid down on my futon and immediately went to sleep. He was so drunk that he didn't even open it out so that I could lay next to him, and so I slept in my own room.
I laid awake the rest of the night in complete anger.
The next morning, I went into the living room. He then opened his eyes and could tell that I was angry. Then, at some point, he goes into his old chestnut of bitching about his ex.
The guy is completely obsessed about complaining about his ex. Finally having enough, I said, "we're not going to talk about that today."
After all, that's what I want to hear about, right? After he sucked the life out of the festivities, he wanted to sit there and obsess about how his baby mama has done him wrong in life.
I wanted him to think about ME for a change. I don't care if he thought about her as the spawn of Satan. The fact that the majority of his thoughts revolved around her meant that there was absolutely no space for me in that peanut of a brain of his. Sure enough, he seemed like he was more interested in engaging in activities that would prove that he was a better individual than she was than he was in trying to make me happy. I guess that my role in all of this was to sit there with a measuring stick and see who came out on top.
Yes, people like that imagine that everybody else is keeping score on their relationship....and it explains a lot about how guys end up with women who will help hide their new boyfriend from the child support people. They probably sit around at home and keep score.
"Yeah, she is such a bitch!"
Yep, thus fulfilling the guy's belief that the Lord Above has a score board.
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Tuesday October 13, 09
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02:23 PM - Big Mouth Strikes Again
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So, I guess I've finally seen the last of Robo....and it ended with a bit of karma, and in a way that we could all see coming.
He is reminiscent of Coach in certain ways that annoys the crap out of me in that he was given a chance at employment in ways that nobody else would.
Why? Is it because I'm female? That society is still working under some belief that they will be "safer" if they hired a guy because they don't have all of those baby issues like we women do? Or are these guys simply getting hired because I actually come off as an intelligent person?
To back up, Coach had landed a job at a TV station that I had tried applying at, but he lost that job within a year because of his attitude. This was not the first time he had lost a job. He had lost a job in Houston because he got into a fight with a coworker. After he lost this new job, he went into another job in medical billing and pretty much lost that job as well. He then ended up at working for a call center, where he has been ever since.
Granted, not amazing jobs, but if I had not gone to law school, I still would have been rotting away at my desk.
So, what happened to Robo?
Well, let's back up until right after the bar, which was at the end of July. For the two and half months following the bar, he put very little effort into me. In spite of the fact that he was unemployed, I saw him maybe a handful of times and would get occasional phone calls, upon which I apparently was asking too much out of him to have any sort of knowledge of what he was doing with his time. Then, his baby mama got sick, his kid was taken to his parents' house, and he decided to step up efforts to get custody of his kid. That's when he apparently thought that he would appear to be more of a boyscout if he completely cut ties with women...because it apparently makes a better impression upon the court to live like a 35 year old bachelor rather than appear to be a guy in a steady relationship with a nice woman.
In the meantime, he also got a job with a state entity. How did he get this job? He used to work for an arm of this same entity back in the day. He used his contacts and then basically got his "old" job back. The big plan was for him to kill time until the bar results come out and they would slide him into an attorney position. This after I had to hear him endlessly bitch about how the "smart" kids like me were having our pick of any job that we wanted and that he had all of these special skills and life experience....nevermind that I was just as unemployed as he was and wasn't getting any interviews. He vowed that one day, he would have his own firm and refuse to hire us law review folk for looking down our noses at him. He had apparently, lost a couple of jobs in the past, most recently he had been canned from working for the county attorney's office because he expressed anger over the fact that they weren't paying him what they said they would...although he once made some off-handed comment once about how they complained that he wasn't working his full 20 hours a week.
As I said, I'm still unemployed. Sure, I'm volunteering for the public defender's office, love it, and unfortunately can't get a job because of budget cuts, they heaped upon me the praise that I am "up there" in the echelon of people who understand how criminal appeals worked in comparison to a lot of people, including other interns and practicing attorneys who were doing pro bono work. Yet, I have not received a single interview.
Yes, so here was this guy who was able to land a job before I was able to. It was annoying!
Especially annoying was when another of my classmates, a nice, but just sort of out-there guy got a job in a firm that I didn't even get an interview with. It wasn't like it was some spectacular law firm. Technically, I should have had something over him since he wasn't that involved in school....alas, nothing.
Anyway, back to my story...
So, Robo sent me a text message yesterday morning.
The jist of it, "I just got fired from my job. I don't know why. I have no money or prospects. Moving back to Dallas to fight for my son. I'll call you in a few months."
Yes, a few months.
So, his unemployed butt needs to spend every single waking second obsessing about his upcoming custody fight?
Yeah, so I didn't reply.
Still, you have to wonder what he did to get canned in two weeks. Maybe they found something in his background.
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Sunday September 20, 09
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11:28 PM - bippity boppity boo
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I hate to start out with "well, I guess I don't come here as much as I used to...." but there ya go.
I don't know really what to say except that I'm currently in a state of limbo.
it becomes even more scary the more that I think about it. My student loans will be coming due in December, I still don't have a paying job, the bar results won't be in until November, and at that point, people won't be thinking of anything except for Christmas parties and turkey, and so I'm guessing that I won't be hired anywhere until after the new year.
So, I've been looking at "seasonal work" at places like World Market and Whole Foods.
But I get hung up on the applications. They say "list relevant work experience" which, to me, would be the McDonald's and Movie 8 stuff I used to do, but that was from way back in the day when I was 19 and 22 years old. I really don't want to put the legal stuff on it because "writing appellate briefs" sounds way too irrelevant for the position and may possibly scare people off. My recent legal experience resembles that of a handyman on a farm who travels from town to town to do odd jobs.
Right now, I'm disappointed.
I feel like I should hunt the Mexicans down and see how they live off of 3 cents a day because I feel like those are the skills I need to be sharpening.
I feel like I should have been clipping coupons and saving money. I feel like I should have purchased more raw ingredients and learned how to cook more meals from scratch. Not that I'm exactly that poor at the moment, but I feel like it could go that way just because of the economy and the fact that I might have to take criminal appointments.
Yes, I may have to start my own law practice.
I mean, I thought that the day may come eventually, but I really didn't want it coming out of the gate.
It's at moments like this when I think even more about the cries of "socialism!" that people have decided to shout. It seems like absolutely nobody is asking where our government was when all of these mortgage companies were ripping people off. There ya go: it's unchecked capitalism. And we still lost.
What people don't get is that businesses don't have moral compasses. They work solely for their own benefit. Intellectually, a company can realize that home prices can't keep going up and up and that a lot of these people can't pay, but when they're feeding at the trough of short-term benefits, they absolutely don't care that they are part of a puzzle. All they could see was that "so and so is doing it and they're hugely profitable, and our fickle shareholders will wonder why WE aren't ripping people off if there is money to be had."
Well, last I heard, robbing a bank is illegal, even if it gives you money, because it causes societal harm. Lives are put at risk in the name of protecting property. So, basically, some force out there has to tell people "no, you can't do this."
So, what I've been doing in the meantime is going back to volunteer at the public defender's office. I feel a bit like a 5th year senior because they will never hire me and I'm basically doing it for God and country and fear of boredom.
I guess I also keep hoping that a few more months of experience will make a difference.
Maybe it will.
I think now of the summer after I graduated from UT and how I DJ'd at the radio station. I landed my first job in San Angelo because I had DJ experience. It paid almost nothing, but at least I got my foot in the door and was able to move back to Austin fairly quickly.
I hate to once again be that much of a bottom-feeder, but there ya go. I'm so tired of being alone, and now, I have to start all over again. At least the marrieds have had some sort of consistency in their lives. There is no happy Faerie that is going to look into my heart, see how much I've worked, and take me away from this. All I can think is, "what if I just don't find a job? What if I never practice law and I have to find something else to do?"
Now, I know what those immigrants from Taiwan who were professionals at home and are now delivering pizzas to a bunch of frat boys feel like.
what I need is a rudder. That's always what I've needed. I've needed some direction and somebody that knows what they are talking about. I need somebody with a logical vision, and something that I can accomplish.
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Saturday July 18, 09
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12:07 AM - Interesting quandary
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I had already made my vote, so I guess it doesn't matter in the end, but here is a small and relatively petty "if you were stranded on a desert island" sort of debate that I ultimately can't resolve with a satisfactory answer:
Here I am, 34 years old, as you know, and with a facebook page. Someone I went to high school with sent me a friend request.
If that were all, and that person was someone I had either a neutral or pleasant relationship with at the time, I would add them and go about my business.
However, this person was this fat old bitch who gave me shit for at least the last couple of years of high school. I won't repeat the nickname I was given. Somebody else coined it, but let's just say that she found it hilarious and endeavored the spread of its use so that during football games, a good portion of the band would shout it at me in unison while we were sitting in the bleachers. Let's just say that the nickname had nothing to do with any trait that I personally had, but it's just one of those things where I was basically in the wrong place at the wrong time when somebody made a random observation and I was already the butt of jokes, so it got pinned on me.
Anyway, that amongst other things like how she would fling lotion on my clothes to make it look like I had cum on me, or took great delight in calling me up to play a message on her answering machine that some guy she had been dating (and dumped and who was then trying to date me because he hoped it would make her jealous) called and begged her to come back.
anyhow....
so, seriously...she wanted me to add her as a friend.
Part of me thinks, "seriously, that bitch thinks that I want to talk to her?"
The Angel, however, thinks, "but that was when we were young! I'm sure she is no longer that kind of person....this was, after all, over 15 years ago. Do you want to harbor that sort of resentment over the years?"
The Devil replies, "but that's the exact point of facebook. why would I want to reconnect with people who brought bad times to my life?"
The Angel then says, "but maybe this is where healing begins...."
The Devil says, "and it's also like saying that she gave a shit about you to begin with. It implies that somewhere over the ensuing years that she manufactured some sort of concern for your well-being."
Angel says, "but you don't want to be mean or obvious....at the end of the day, holding a grudge over such old actions is a pet peeve of yours, and you rarely have those moments. After all, look at who you are quasi-dating right now if you want to look under the dictionary of people who forgive and forget"
Devil says, "and why not? what happened in this latest incidence has paid off to an extent. It would fucking take someone with greater grasp of the English language than what I have to even begin to describe why I've resumed some sort of relationship with Robo, but I can't argue with the results. I'm in a better spot than where I've been over the past year, which is a massive boost considering I have the bar in less than 2 weeks and need all of the strength I can muster, so you shouldn't judge me that harshly....but back to this other lady. If I can point to one interaction I've had with her that I can honestly say i benefited from it in some way, I'd give it more thought."
Angel says, "do you really want to judge a person on past actions? Maybe she rescues abused kitties or speaks out about school bullying. It's almost like saying horrible things about a person who has just died."
Devil says, "I can't imagine why in the fuck she would care at this point. And what sort of cracked person says, 'hey, let me facebook add the person I used to give shit too in high school."
"but do you want to be like one of those episodes of Jenny Jones where people show up and say, 'look at me now!' and everyone bitches about how they need to 'get over what happened years ago.'?"
"You know what? that's the powers that be want you to do. they want you to shut up and take the high road because it's up to you (as victim) to prove to the world that you did not deserve to be bullied. people want to put you under a microscope and incessantly judge how you handle the situation because they want some sort of vindication that you would have done the same thing had you been popular enough. they want to believe that they are not a horrible person and they do it by making you justify your lack of perfection."
I don't know. Maybe it's indicative of how few friends she has in real life....but I'm like "REALLY."
So, I didn't add her.
Maybe it's petty. Maybe it's what each and every last one of you would have done in my spot....but I don't want to see that person's face. She brings back no pleasant memories.
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Saturday May 09, 09
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12:31 AM - Graduation fail
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There is a girl who is about 10 years younger than I am. We'll refer to her as J. She is one of my classmates and is a second year law student.
She has a crush on a 40 year old 2nd year law student. His name is M. He was in the air force and comes off as this quiet, dorky type. He doesn't look like he's 40. he looks like maybe he's about 30. The bags under his eyes tend to give away his true age, but he otherwise is in really good shape and appears not to have a single gray hair on his head.
So far, I've seen him split his time between J, me, and this other girl as far as hanging out and talking. I don't know who this third girl is, but J's and my personalities differ completely in that she is completely ADHD and her mouth runs constantly while I'm definitely the most reserved person in the school.
I felt that he had a big old crush on J. However, I seriously doubt my abilities in telling these sorts of things these days. I thought that pupek had something for me, but I was WRONG WRONG WRONG....that, or he has that ambiguous "I think you're cute!" crush that doesn't lead anywhere because it's nothing more than a man enjoying talking to an attractive lady.
AHEM
Anyway, back to my tale.
So, I didn't know that J had a big old crush on M until she spilled it all a few weeks ago. I counted M as a potential front-runner in being a guy that could be boyfriend material...for me. After dealing with the drama of he who shall not be named, I thought that this guy with his shyness and churchiness was a great antidote...and frankly, that type of guy was always what I had in mind for husband material.
However, J admitted her feelings about her "man crush." But that she was too shy to actually do anything about it!
My reaction, upon my thoughts on his interest and knowing HER interest, I blurted out, "yes! yes! ask him to lunch. something small so you can test the waters!"
yes, I was that generous.
Based upon what a lot of people I know have said in the past, they seem to believe the opposite sex as somebody to club over the head and steal from other people. Yet, I've personally not known of any relationship that has had genesis or has survived for any length of time based upon that means of acquisition. Generally, you see the after-math of that on Maury Povich. To me, if a person needs to be "won" over like that, then they are going to quickly get bored the second people quit fighting over them.
Anyhow...
I thought, "she REALLY likes this dude, and I THINK he likes her like that....so I'll encourage it!"
so, that's what I did.
She asked and they've apparently gone out for lunch/dinner a few times, although no action has happened.
In the meantime, during one of his visits with me, the conversation somehow drifts towards his personal feelings of guys with much younger women.
"I always thought that was kind of gross! Although it no longer plays as much in my favor anymore."
So, I can't get a read based upon his statements about whether he thinks she's way too young, OR, if he's trying to resolve his guilt for now liking somebody about 15 years younger than he is.
I gave my own personal thoughts on the matter and how I personally feel weird dating somebody about 10 years younger than I am, but things are much different for men. ...yes, that's a double-standard, but it's true. Society does not frown upon much older men/younger women like they do the vice-versa. The reason, obviously, is that society can't imagine any sane man wanting a woman over the age of 25.
Then again, you think of the kinds of people that write THOSE sorts of articles for Cosmo or the nightly news and you know what kind of guys we're dealing with. From what I've seen, most guys drawn to working in the media aren't exactly the nesting type.
Back to my story...
So, what exactly IS the problem?
On my last day after finals, he invited me to go have lunch with him at the cafeteria. After talking some more, we walked back to the library and he seemed to hang around and not know how to wrap it up. I told him he could find me on facebook if he wanted to do anything, and I left it at that.
That sounds like enough in itself that it would raise doubt. However, i decided to call J tonight to see if she wanted to go out and drink. I left a message around 7:30 this evening. I later commented on a photo on M's page. He replied sometime around 9:30pm.
She then sent me a facebook message tonight around 1:30am saying, "I was out with him all day. We didn't do anything, but I didn't get your message because my phone was on 'silent.' nothing happened physically, so i don't know"
I thought, "hmm. he replied to my post around 9:30pm....."
ok, so we've all told lies to explain why we haven't called people back. However, here is the most INTERESTING wrinkle of this entire story:
A few months ago, I was at LG's house and talking to his girlfriend about J.
"Oh my god! That girl is crazy! She claims to have multiple personalities and imagines friendships with people..."
"What about that guy AA that she was running around and telling everyone that they were such great friends that they were like brother and sister?"
"He doesn't think of her like that! And she didn't think of him as her 'brother.' She had this big old crush on that guy and he started dating somebody else and she would sit there at class and STARE at them....also, there was somebody else that she was running around and telling everyone that she was best friends with. We asked that girl and she said that she didn't even know who J was!"
Hmm. So, basically, I'm trying to judge where this thing is going based upon the thoughts of someone who MAY mentally invent friendships with people.
i haven't personally seen this, although I find it interesting that even though she and AA are "so close" that I never hear of her talking about hanging out with him.
At the same time, I actually did run into J and M when they went out for dinner on monday night.
You can't invent that.
What's bothering me, obviously, i:
1. if he has any real interest in her.
2. if he has any real interest in me.
3. how to resolve it if #2 is what is the real issue.
Of course, it doesn't mean that he's not interested in her. What it probably means (more likely) is that he doesn't want to do anything because of the age difference. That doesn't exactly warm my heart.
anyway, what am I doing home tonight?
There was an end of semester party hosted by the Student Bar Association. I was afraid to go.
Robo may/may not be dating the Russian chick. I was afraid to go because I was worried that seeing them together might bother me. I have also deduced that he likes playing that sort of game, so that if I slip in the slightest way and show any hint of jealousy and embarrassment that it might feed him.
OR, even worse, is that he had been nursing a big old crush on her for a long time and she finally said, "yes" to him after all this time, and that I was pretty much nothing more than a gap filler until she awoke to him.
I feel like I'm more of the second category in most cases. I wish I could find a relationship where I was more than just second place. It may simply be that he would diddle anything that moves and it doesn't matter if it's a Russian chick with long legs and can speak 5 languages and who wears $15,000 outfits that her rich dad buys her vs. a person such as myself who considers $50 shoes to be very expensive, but at the same time...
I can't help but feel like it's an ego thing. If it is the case where I was just secondary to his crush on her, it feels like the story of my life. There was an OK guy that I dated briefly when I was in my mid-twenties, but you know what? I couldn't help but feel like I was second banana behind this one chick who liked to engage in wind surfing. She was dating some other guy at the time, and, based upon his reactions, I always felt that he would have taken her any old day of the week...which made me less inclined to do anything about it.
i was already feeling very shy about the situation to begin with because of many reasons, but I think it definitely helped seal the deal in that I felt like I was somebody that he was settling for. It's bad enough not being popular, but I always envisioned that I would be somebody that truly caught the guy's attention. Maybe I could be somebody that he nursed a crush for.
i don't know.
Either way, I guess if his aim was to make me jealous (even as a side-project) it worked. However, I pretty much want nothing to do with that.
Anyhow, the only reason why this continues to matter is that, for the next 6-8 weeks, I will have Bar review with those people.
That's right. All of that drama will be packed like sardines in one little room as we all prepare for the bar. it's already bad enough that I will be taking the bar, but it's almost cruel that it has to be under those conditions.
Of course, my other option is to go back home to A-town and live with my parents and take the Bar review course at the UT campus. However, I could see my mom interrupting that little love fest with "I have laundry! what did you want for supper?" and so forth.
Speaking of mommy...
Not even my graduation will be my OWN graduation.
Every graduation I've ever had has sucked as far as celebratory activities afterwards. I thought that MAYBE this time around will be different. However, it is telling by my level of popularity that I've been invited no place.
Still, mom had her own plans.
After graduation, we would all head back to the car and drive back to Austin where we would all eat at their world favorite Mexican food place.
We've been going there for over 10 years now. I celebrated my 24th birthday there.
I asked mom why we coudln't just hang out in SA and go to a place here. She said, 'well, your sister's friend will be there..."
My sister's friend is also somebody that I know fairly well. She has two toddlers.
My sister was going to be in town for about a week, and I thought, "surely my sister could go and hang out with this chick any time during the week...hey! wait a minute! What this means is that there might be a little surprise gathering for me! I mean, why else would we plan MY graduation festivities around this one girl?"
It didn't seem beyond the realm of possibility because they did it for my sister's husband when he got his masters in the fall. Also, I recalled my sister asking if there were people that I wouldn't mind inviting if there was a party.
I decided to play dumb and run it by my sister.
"Mom wants us all to pack up in the car and drive back to Austin to eat at Camino Real."
*Groan*
"She said something about C being there..."
"that is IF she shows up! I wouldn't plan anything around here! You should tell mom that we could go somewhere in San Antonio."
Feeling a bit let down by this, I ran it by A this evening as I figured she would be a top invite.
It was the same reaction:
*Groan*
In other words, mom was INDEED planning a party for her own amusement where the center attraction is little toddlers running about. nevermind that I just graduated from law school after getting gang probed by the faculty for 3 years, let's run back to Austin and make it easy for one of MY SISTER'S friends to come out and bring her little kids to run around with my niece.
Damn.
or, as the kids say today:
FML
or
Graduation fail.
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Monday April 27, 09
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09:31 PM - time flies when you're tortured...
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my friend S got married this weekend.
I was in the wedding. I hate being in weddings because I get gooey eyed and don't particularly want the entire world watching that spectacle.
however, the night before, at the rehearsal dinner... ...there I was, eating pasta at some place I had never been, being served by a guy that pretty much spoke nothing but Spanish.
Everyone was giving their toasts to the bride and groom. More than one person thanked S for what she had done for her future husband. Apparently, he had been a bit closed off from everyone until she came into his life. Suddenly, he was happy and more affectionate.
It made me think of the guy who had done the same for me... ...although there weren't any happy celebrations on my end. It was a year filled with embarrassment, sadness, and games.
I thought of the night that I got the message from him saying he could "only be my friend." How I was in an Italian restaurant in El Escorial, and how I went to the bathroom to do my business, and without any provocation or anticipation, I broke down in tears.
I thought of last year where I tried to move on, and got stomped on again. Then, I tried to move on again, but he showed up and kept interfering.
I paid so much for wanting what was normal.
I looked at what my friends now had. He's been so nice to her, and she's done so much for him...and I guess that on the surface of things, it should have never worked only because of the fact that they were both so closed off for so long. S wanted a stud in the looks department. He was shut off in his room and on the computer. Suddenly, they found each other and things fell into place.
I cried.
And there was no way to leave the room without drawing more attention to myself.
I shouldn't have to be crying harder than the relatives at my friend's wedding, should I?
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Friday April 17, 09
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10:19 PM - It's like going with your grandpa...
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Younger dude may be younger, but I completely outlasted him tonight.
First, he said he was coming to pick me up at 6:30. Cocktails started at 6:30 and it would take about half an hour to drive, park, and walk, but he wanted to be "fashionably late."
He was fashionably late by about 25 minutes in picking me up, so that we missed cocktails all together and made it in time for the meal portion.
(I still got my drinks, but still...it's nice to hang around and talk to people).
The meal part maybe lasted a couple of hours. The party was moved across the street to this other bar so that people could continue hanging out.
He didn't particularly want to go to that!
We went over, but he was ready to leave by 10:30.
I agreed because he was obviously the one driving and I'm not going to force people to stay out if they don't want...but I was like "seriously?"
Of course, during the course of the evening, I bumped into one of the band members. He's a peripheral band member who is not a law student but functioned as a fellow law student's "date" if you know what I'm saying. He's supposedly dating somebody, but my guess is that the charms of hot blond lawyer (who is actually starting to look like a junior league mom at age 26) are starting to win out.
Anyway, he told me that the band is playing tomorrow at some gig that has to do with the Farmer's Market. Guess who didn't know about this? ME!
yes, interesting how there were effusive "we like your sound...we want to add your material..." words but there are no steps towards inclusion to the point that I don't know jack shit about any of it.
I can't figure out if he's just being a dumb guy that doesn't think of women as part of "the band" or if there is something else going on.
I find it interesting that his buddy that apparently had a big crush on me (and who I never got to properly meet in part due to Robo's meddling) is apparently coming to town this weekend...but there haven't been any further attempts to bring me around to meet him. Is it because I accepted a date to the banquet tonight with grandpa? I told him about it. Maybe he took strong offense that I would go on another date while his childhood friend carried a torch, but come on....it's logistics we're talking about here, and not only that I've had enough of this sitting around and waiting for shit that may/may not happen.
Or maybe Robo's constant presence has made him feel like he's forced to choose sides. It's not particularly what I wanted a "choose sides" sort of thing. It's that Robo's behavior in always hanging around has kind of turned it into that. I told LG the story just for background purposes. Robo started showing up to the weekly gigs, but then stepped it up by calling those guys all the time.
At any rate, I shouldn't be surprised considering that he didn't express any remorse that I didn't know he wasn't showing up. As I said, I don't know if it's because I've "betrayed his friend" in not holding out for him and I no longer serve a purpose or what.
Then again, I admit that I haven't exactly warmed up to that bunch socially. It's kind of hard to do because I feel awkward around LG's girl friend because I feel like the woman that shouldn't be there. So, I feel weird in trying to do anything socially with him because it feels like I'm trodding on her space....for obvious reasons.
It would be easier if I was actually dating someone and not simply showing up with baggage in tow, but there ya go. That's the lot dealt to me in life.
But anyway...yes, I was disappointed in tonight. I feel like when one puts in the effort to find and buy a dress (like I did) that it should be WORN IN PUBLIC. This "let's go out for a grand total of 3 hours" is just kinda sad and unnecessary. it makes you wonder why he even bothered going to the banquet if his idea of going was just to go eat and then split.
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Monday April 13, 09
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08:58 PM - boys are stupid
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In follow up to the last entry where my band mate who decided to pull the plug on the gig did not call me up to tell me this important bit of info:
I went up to the guy today at school while in the courtyard while we had a party for us graduating 3rd years. i basically said, "gee thanks for letting me know you weren't going."
No apology. All he basically said was, "I wasn't sure if you were going or not."
Yep. Even though he acknowledged that there was some chance of my participation, he couldn't be bothered to send a text or facebook message about it."
"Yes, I found out from ________ that we weren't playing." I started going on about how the other dude didn't even tell the stage crew about it, but something happened, and I can't remember what. I think he lost interest in what I had to say, so I just gave up.
Yes, I know the guy is BAD at communicating, but there wasn't any hint that he was sorry that I didn't know. Shit. At least muster up something to acknowledge the fact that I showed up and waited around for no good reason! Even his girlfriend (who was overhearing this) shot him a look like she couldn't believe that he did that.
I don't know what in the fuck that was about.
I'm so ready for this to be over with.
Life blows. And you know what ELSE sucks? Robo is working on either befriending or dating this Russian chick that I have a mortgages study group with! Oh, yes they were friends before this, but a week or so ago, they went to a fashion show together, got wasted on champagne, and decided to pull a prank where they texted and emailed everyone to announce that the two of them were married.
And I don't know why...but I now hate seeing her coming and want to avoid her. I can't figure out if it's because i'm rife with jealousy or if it's because, everywhere I turn around, there is Robo like he is goddamn Ray Liotta in Unlawful Entry.
Yes, he shows up to the Wednesday gigs. He has stepped up his calling/hanging out with the jerk who didn't tell me about the canceled show and the alcoholic sidekick. Now, the fucker is hanging out with my study partner.
What I'm worried about is that those two will show up to the Barrister's Ball this friday. I'm going with this other guy who is also a study partner in the same mortgages group. He and Russian chick are good friends. What if I'm forced into some hellacious quasi-double date?
My other question is, what should I tell the guy who is taking me?
Before you get excited about THAT, this other dude is about 9 years younger than I am. MAYBE he knows that. Maybe he just wants a date for it since he hasn't asked me for anything else. I don't know. He's a bit of a strange guy and I don't really think about him like that....however, I'm becoming more and more convinced that maybe I should start looking that young if I want viable material.
I know that Robo doesn't represent every guy...nor does Pupek...and I'll admit that my being single at this age is kind of sad and doesn't exactly represent a healthy individual....HOWEVER....OH MY GOD. What I said about dudes being single into their 30's is even more and more true. I guess pupek has kissed the other chick goodbye...at least, superficially since they are no longer facebook friends, but still...it says a bunch that he's been chasing her for the past 3 years even though she is that nuts. In a way, he's no different than Robin or those other dudes that hang out waiting for somebody who doesn't exist. ...although, what's worse?
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Friday April 10, 09
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12:25 AM - boys! they are such...girls.
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This is yet another in the category of "WTF am I doing here?" moments which involves the band.
Within the last few days, the lead guy has decided to express his displeasure with his roommate/bandmate who is the exact same guy who asked me out a few months ago and decided to be weird when I turned him down.
As a side note, he subsequently began acting more "normal" once he found a chick. All this while I was operating under the assumption that this dude was like the 50 year old virgin and was still chasing girls around like he was a 10 year old on the playground...but it turns out that he's been married twice and apparently has kids that won't have anything to do with him.....which expresses my thanks that I never got involved with him. I can't imagine what kind of dude you have to be for none of your kids to do anything with you.
anyhoos...
on Tuesday, lead guy broke the news to me after class that he was irritated and busy and was thinking of cancelling our standing Wednesday gig AND the law school talent show (yes, how high school does an institution have to be to have people putting on skits and musical numbers?). When further pressed, all he said was that he would "discuss it later."
After some evasiveness, I facebooked the other dude and asked if HE was going. after all, if there were enough people, we don't technically need that dude. it would be nice since he's the rudder, but we could marshal on.
Well, it turned out that RL was going, so I figured that was enough. I got to the gig and saw that LG was there after all.
However RL didn't show up.
This is when I discover what was REALLY going on:
Apparently, LG has been getting sick of RL's passive-aggressive bull shit and has been thinking of pulling the plug on the band...which is news to me. i knew the guy apparently wasn't a ray of sunshine to live with because he was a bit strange and all that, but as far as it being severe enough to pull the plug on the band? Especially considering this guy is about a month away from moving out of the house?
Well, apparently, RL's girlfriend was at the house and overheard LG and his girlfriend discuss all of this and his wishes to pull out. She comes storming out of the bedroom and starts bullying him to stay in...he agrees to, but then she decides to stir the shit and run off to RL and tell him an account of what she overheard. This naturally causes him not to show up to the gig later on....which then causes the "I'm so sick of RL's passive-aggressive BS!" bitch fest.
yes, instead of being overjoyed that RL didn't show up PERIOD and just saying, "oh well", there was a major bitch fest about how this guy plays and that he's not part of the team and that he would be so petty as to not show up at all....although I can't really fault that as I do a lot of that stuff and sometimes, you just need a focal point to fixate your irritation at life.
At the same time, LG's girlfriend and I had our own side-discussion about how LG needed to just fucking do something about it. She then also went on about how she herself has grown past all of the passive-aggressive b.s. and deals with things directly.
however, when I left, it was my understanding that we were still going to play the talent show. after all, "posters had been made."
This morning, I emailed RL and asked him what time we should be there. Why did I ask him? Because he was the dude in charge of the talent show. no, really. he is one of the organizers. I figured that he, of all people, should know whether :
1. I should bring my amp.
2. What time that pre-show dress rehearsal was as all acts had to do one.
He told me, yes, bring the amp, and for me to be there at 5:30pm.
The show starts at 8pm. It sounded a bit early, but that's what ends up happening when you do queue checks.
I got there at 5:30 and only saw the stage crew.
I inquired. Yes, there was an understanding that the band was supposed to be there sometime between 5:30-6pm, but not even RL was there. He had left to "go change."
I hung out in the back and waited...and waited...
Later, while speaking to this other dude that only had some small dealings with our crew by being an audience member at some of our shows, he said, "oh, LG told me that he wasn't going to be here tonight."
I thought about it, and the more I reflected upon it, I assumed that this meant that the other guys in the band weren't showing up based upon some of the rumblings I heard the day before.
RL finally showed up an hour later. I asked, "so where IS everybody?"
I was told, "it's just you and me."
Pissed as all get-out, i rejected that. I was angry at RL for telling me to be an hour earlier than I needed to be, and I was angry at the other dude for not telling me that they had pulled the plug.
I tried to call to give a piece of my mind, but only got the voice mail...and his inbox was full.
After sitting through all of that, I went to the after-show at some bar. Everybody else was there because it was a groupie's birthday (although I had no inkling of this).
But who was missing? why it was LG and his girlfriend. He didn't want to go because he didn't want to "cause drama" for having pulled the plug like that.
All I could think was, "see? this is the exact same shit that RL pulled last night...." yet, this is apparently OK, even though the drama they stirred up ended up with them missing their friend's birthday gathering.
And it's equally as stupid because RL lives in the same goddamn house as them. Where do they think they're hiding?
Oh god. it's like having two S's duking it out.
"I've decided that you're irritating, so I'm going to hide from you."
I'm wondering what the girlfriend's problem is. She was being all "I'm the bad ass who doesn't do that shit." Was she having no luck convincing the boyfriend that he should go out regardless of the drama? or is she not her own person enough that she can't go out without him and leave him pouting on the couch?
I can't fault her for that because I might have done the same...but still, as a person who has had to deal with drama b.s. all year long, I have no idea why anybody would WILLINGLY take on that role at this point. Maybe it's where he's directing his frustrations with graduation looming and all, but I can't fucking imagine wanting to take on drama.
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