As you wake up each morning, you decide what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. For example, this morning, i decided to press the "snooze" button about three times, until it was completely neccecary to wake up. I decided to not be a bum today and dress nice. I decided not to not be afraid and dress the way i like to dress. Without the dreading of people's comment's ( awww u look like you came out of the 50's ) which by all means is flattering, but some people just look at you with their " i only wear abercrombie and finch" look and with their stare say " whatever".. heheh how dumb! though i do find myself lost in a comfy pair of jeans, and new balance running shoes, with a comfortable lucky brand shirt ( my one guilty name brand ) i decided to not care. it's always in my mind, how people's opinions shouldn't matter, but i do care. I mean, i will fully admit, i want to be accepted, but i dont want to lie about who i am either..or what i like. So it is quite the difficult battle trying to find your so called "peeps".
          Anyway, back to the whole making decisions. you build yourself everyday. When you get up in the morning, and get ready for the day that awaits your presence. The way you stlye your hair, the way you do your make up, if ya wear it. The outfit you choose, whether it be a day you dont want to leave the comfort of your pajamas, so you find the closest thing to them. Or it may be when you want to look as good as you feel, and wear that nice little outfit you save for the good days.
        You build your attitude. The way you carry yourself throughout the day will is built upon how you wish to carry yourself.
          Personally, i build my life the day before. I sit in my algebra class ( which like the little shop of horrors, has sucked the blood outta me!) and i plan out my day in my little planner. In high hopes to fulfill those engagements. Half the time, they dont come out the way i had planned, but somewhat close.
When i get lost in my daydreams, i always think about what i want to do in life and how it is i want to go about it.I feel really silly sometimes, i get down to the details of how i want to furnish my house and how i want to fix up a nice old car one day.
      anyway, i dont know why i started on about this. I guess i caught myself staring into the tv, not even paying attention to what was on, and thinking about all the great clothes i am going to be able to make when i get my patterns ( theyre vintage) and that thought went to dancing, and how i badly want to learn how to swing, then that lead to history, and how i want to write about it, and teach english one day, then that lead my lazy butt to get off the couch and record this train of thoughts.
        Well i'm off to continue this project i am constitantly working on, I am very young, and i have alot of building left to do, i wonder how it will feel to finally feel built.

Gosh... Its been forever..it has been a while since i have written in here.

Little by little, i have been making my home here. It's nice to know i have friends here and people who care about me.
      Hopefully my best friend will join me here, i want to be selfish and take her from our home city... i just want to live out that dream we had when we were little, about living with each other. A friend and i saw the movie "Ghost World" and when my best friend and i spoke again.. we both pointed out how we thought of each other in that movie, seeing as how i too used to draw people in coffe shops, and make characters out of them. Well. they made themselves characters, i merely illustrated them. Anyhoo. I am looking forward to seeing her spring break...
      I have made great friends here as well..one who is so good to me, makes me question myself when i say i am a horrible person. If i was such a bad person, i would not be surrounded by such great people.
        So back to love, where all dreams and hopes reside. And emerge. Where dissapointment can collide with you so brutally. I questioned myself. I questioned my own heart. i asked myself why it was so easy for me to move on with such ease. To not cry or linger about certain situations. I havent seen my own father since Christmas. I think about him, but i dont allow myself to be sad about him. I miss one of my ex's.. the one i had in el paso.. the one that hates me, I miss his company.. and to know he has such ill feelings about me just kills me. I can justify it, i mean my best friend and i sat there and justified it. He knew how it was going to be when we were together. I managed to keep myself afloat. I managed to keep myself alright. And he didnt. i moved on. i somehow kept my heart from bleeding. I guess if your not the victim youre the villian. How awful. I sometimes want to call and mend things. Not just with him, with many people. i just feel there will be no satisfaction or real closure.
      You ever wonder what people will think of you when you die? It's not so much that i care about stranger's opinions, but i do care about the people who are important to me in all levels, and what they think of me. I just wish people knew that my intentions were never ill.
      Well anyway.. i'm off to an attempt sleep.. seeing as how i will have to find the energy to fight math tommorrow.. Goodnight

I woke up one morning, nice and early for a friday, to go to a piano lesson at school. I got in my car and put the key in the egnition. "click".... i tried it again. "click". That's all i needed. My car not to work. I got my bag and coat and went inside to call my instructor to let her know i was not going to make it.
            I hope to God it just needs a good jump start. Sad thing is, i never learned how to jump start a car. I always saw my pops do it, but never caught on. Rumour has it it may be the starter which means i have to cancel my trip to vegas and spend that money on the car. I guess everything happens for a reason.
            So now, my position is being discussed at my old job. At least they are giving it some thought. If not back to flling out applications for jobs i really don't want to be at. So I have no money and an ill car.
            Well life has been still, yet fullfilling. I have been surrounded by good people and dispite my insufficient funds, lack of employment, and now a sick car, they are still around.
              My "need" for a love life has dimmed. I am learning that i may be too busy for one, or not ready for one. This isn't going to stop me if let's say...the man of my dreams happens to come along. But hey i am not going to dwell on what i am missing out on and instead, not miss out on anything that's already happening...

my struggle to make peace with people is going to destroy me in more than one way. I have this weight on my hurt to undo so many things i have done, and to try to not make the same mistakes in the future. Does it matter if i try to fix anything i have done in the past? Will it make a difference? Or do i just leave it alone, then later get blamed for not trying hard enough? Anyway. I wish i could just jump into a time capsule and see the what ifs.. but who doesnt??

Dang.. hell just froze over!
        I woke up this morning, debating whether or not i should make my tired body get up and get to school. I decided not to. My excuse/reason being that the freeways are too dangerous. The truth being, i didnt want to spend such a beautiful day inside the walls of a classroom or two. I looked outside my window and saw all the rooftops covered in a thin blanket of snow. I opened the blinds and just sat there for a second, looking out. I looked at my feet and there was my kitty. Usually it's the other cat that sits with me, but i guess they decided to trade places today. It comforted me in a strange way that my older cat denied his age and sat himself next to me like he used to when he was a kitty.
          anyhoo.. i feel good today, incredibly lazy but good. i feel a little better about the whole relationship frenzy. I was told that it would be inevitable. There will be times when i get hurt, and other times when the other person will get hurt. You can't really control those things. And if there are people out there intentionally hurting others, then they don't deserve the time of day, or the tears of anyone. I say this, but you know one day i will be balling tears and cryin if i ever got so hurt. If only it wasn't always easier said than done.
          I have many other loves in my life. Music being an important one. I wish i had the guts to try my voice out. I sing in the car, often gaining awkward looks from the people in the next car, but i dont care( like they dont do it!) I sing loud in the shower, and i'm sure there is someone in the next apartment wishing i'd shut up. Once again i dont care! I wish i had the voice of Patsy Cline, dang that woman can carry her soul through her song!
          WEll i am off to run errands. And to enjoy the rest of this beautiful snow capped day. ADios!

I have not kept up with my journal, seeing as how new found friendships have consumed my time. Getting ready for bigger enagements, road trips, and a party. I am jobless. They beat me to it. Satan said, "not only will i make their lives horrible, but i will let go of all part-timers!" shoot i was going to quit but not until i found a new job.Ugh! So now i am basically living on pennies, and e-bay doesnt help. I am on that damn thing all day!
        I feel oddly sick now. I feel that.. if i continue the way i have gone.. i am going to lose out on alot.
          when i think of love, i think of love comming in a million if not more.. different shades. Somtimes people are just on different shades. And that seems to cause trouble.
          As i type this, i am letting my music downloads play. Crazy Love by Van Morrisson and Bob Dylan just came on, I remember listening to that song many nights when D would call. It truly marks a time in my life when i saw love and was too scared to grab it. And now it flew away. I am always to scared to involve myself, fearing it isnt the right one, then i hear.. " your young.. date... you have time to find the right one.." but seems i turn out the bad guy in the end. So what now? i continue my ways and pass and pass, and those who i have passed before will move on and i will stay here, allowing them and others to pass me by.
            On a good note my good friend Moses wants to move here. I love that guy so much. He is always so good to me. He takes care of me. And my best friend Hill wants to get her tush out here too. Why do i want to go back when the people i care about are commin here?? Dont get me wrong, there are people in el paso i would still miss and that i care about horribly.. but if i could just have a few here, that would make things so much better.
            Goodnight, and good day.

i've never been to big on the whole teen idols, i never had posters of the "hotties" up in my room, more music posters than anything. But as i sit and watch my daily dose of "The Other Half", with saved by the bell's mario lopez, i have to say, he has this beautiful smile, and these beautiful eyes, this laugh and the way he so modestly carries himself. I know, i know, that is how he appears on the t.v, but wouldnt it be nice if i met someone like him? One more crush... Has anyone ever seen Smallville? ( awesome show) well i haven't caught his name, but clark kent, is just WOW. his eyes, they are so sincere, and his smile, and his ways.... ::Sigh::...
enough of that, i feel twelve years old when i do that!
      i was going to cry and cry about a certain situation that happened with someone in my life, but decided not to. Someone said things to me that may be true, may be not, or maybe just his opinion about me. And i really cant do anything about it, as sad as it makes me.
      I cant change my ways either, i learn to accept situations, and though i do not deny emotions, i do learn to move on, and i realize that things happen for a reason. If this didnt work out, there must be a "reason". If the person that it didnt work out with was so wonderful, i can only imagine how great the "reason" can be!obviously that person wasnt the one. i cant be held responsible if others can't do the same. And i do feel bad for any stupidities, and i have apologized a thousand times for my clumsyness. But like i said, there isnt too much i can do beyond that.

I'm off.. to attempt the running of errands. I have things to mail off, and a body to work out, God knows i am still recovering from the christmas break buffet!
Good Day to all...

Thanks to a great figure in my life, my cousin from Berkeley,C, i have a new way of looking at the horrible and life taking arrangement of numbers and symbols, math. AS he and i were discussing my future plans and endeavors as i take my steps out into the world trying to figure out what the hell i want to do in life, he told me i was not going to avoid math. That instead, being the analytical thinker that i am, i should look at it as another think to analyze. here i am always analyzing things that hardly ever have a definate answer, and this equation, that has an answer, is killing me. I have to look at it as something i can analyze, i'm sure this isnt anything new to most, but to me, it's a change of light on the object that allows me to view it completely different.
My good friend A and i had a conversation the other night about finding someone with the level of understanding when it comes to faith and God. I am not a "i'll throw a bible in your face and call you sinner" kinda girl. But i do have a deep faith and a love from and for God. Sometimes, i feel like i am too much of a "sinner" for the christian and too "holy" for the the non-christian. I Think christianity has been given a bad name, and the title has been slaughterd, sadly by christians themselves. People are not perfect, though every person tries to reach their own image of what perfect would be, we will never be perfect due to differences in what is to be thought of as "perfect". SO, yes, the good christian girl messes up, she shows the world that she is not perfect and the ones to "cast the stones" are usually christians, i believe this is an insecurity issue. And so, because (some) christians have carried this "holier than thou" attitude, everone expects you to be that way to, and believe me, i am NOT better or holier than anyone!! So in defense of the christian, we're people, and too often that is forgotten, it has become a ridiculous circus of actions and rituals, but all in all, what really matters is the heart, and the faith.
SO now that i have that off my shoulders, i can not help but to talk about love. And all the madness it brings. I hear stories time and time again from different friends, and we are always looking for that one person. not that anyone cares, but you know what i want in a guy?
-I want to look into the eyes of this someone and see them. Too often i look into their eyes and see nothing
-I want a beautiful smile, a pleasant laugh..
-i want him to have respect
- i want a man with morals
i want a guy who i can play around with be young with, be sarcastic with and get a good laugh out of just acting like total dorks.
I want a guy with a faith and a relationship with God.
I want someone who looks at life with his heart and not just his mind. A guy that, when, has his eyes drawn to people, their actions, his friends, the world, or even to the sun setting over the mountains, appreciates it and is glad that he is able to share this life with someone, like that someone will be glad to be sharing it with him.

so yeah.. if anyone fits this... CALL ME!! haha... kidding.. If only the one person that i can actually see a hint of these qualities seeping through,( the same person i mentioned earlier) could see me as the girl of his dreams..
I know i said i was going to view him as a friend only,I lied. hee hee.He just makes it so easy to want to love him in all ways. However it ends up, i will be happy as long as he is still around.
  so the analytical thinker can spend a lifetime trying to conqer the incertainties of love, but can barley do an equation. we'll see about that!

the essence of life is surrounding me. No, i didnt have a near death experience, which is always the case that leads people to admiring life and breathing it all in for all it is worth. I have good friends. I have health. I am learning new things every single day. I am finally finding out who i am, or am learning to deal with the changes i will take in life as to who i will be. I know what i want to do in life. For now at least. And i am going to work harder to fulfill these dreams. I am looking at life a different way.
I thanked God a thousand times today. I know that the human life is precious, and that when a life is lost, as much as it is sad, it has to happen. But can not help but to thank God again and again for the life of an old friend, R. Who has been on my mind lately. He is very young, 20 years or so and has a terminal cancer, but he is finally recieving the surgery!! Thank God, i can only pray that he keeps him healthy. I dont only thank God for the health and restoration of, my friend, for as long as he allows, i also thank him for the people i have around me, if not physically, in mind.
SO here is another toast..to life, friendship, and the health and happiness we find in both. CHeers!

i had a great weekend. I was able to see another great rock and roller, Ronnie Dawson. He is the fourth old timer i have been lucky to see! When i first got there, i didnt know anyone except the girl i went with, but i didnt care, i was there for the music. As i was listening to the first song, this guy approached me and asked if i could dance. i wasn't going to lie, and said no. Then he said he would teach me, and he did. He taught me the basic one, two, three, and then he looked at me with a face that said, "ready?" and so i smiled and he took me onto the deserted dance floor, as ronnie d. played his first song. the crowd was around us, and i danced. He swung me around, i was nervous as to how to do the steps, but it was all alright. We got off the floor and he said i did great! The crowd applauded and i happened to catch some older people looking at he and i in awe. The thing is, i never do that sort of thing. I never get in front of large amounts of people to do anything. I am so shy at times, though not at all always. SO yes, i had my one moment, where i just said, "Let's do this!" hahaha.
That was saturday.
Yesterday i went with my cousin and his friends, he lives in a small town about an hour away. We all went to an arcade/bowling alley/pool hall. I found this game called dance revolution, ( if anyone hasn't played this, you're really missing out on great fun and a hell of a work out!)Anyhoo, while i was back home in el paso, i played this game with my best friend H, and oh man she and i had soo much fun. Thats the thing about her. We can do almost anything and have blast. As i was playing i thought of her and how much fun we are going to have living together next fall. She is like my sister. Her friendship means the world to me. Well anyway, she called and told me she was going to get the playstation version. Its silly things like this that get us going. We are such kids at times, yet when needed we grow up. But of course, only when needed.
i feel like i am rambling. I guess we're allowed to do that once in a while. I just needed to illustrate the friendship i share with her, she and i have had some tough times, but we have conquered the battle of "shit talkers" and we are now the equivalent to sisters.
i may meet people here and there, and i am so ready and willing to develop wonderful relationships, and friendships with them. It's never too late to realize the friendships that you already have are so precious. And the ones that are new will one day blossom into something also very wonderful. Wow. I sound cheesey!