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Thursday August 21, 08
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05:23 PM - i was supposed to go see Radiohead tomorrow
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music: Creep(live) BY The Cure
mood: saddy
i dont think i can bring myself to do it now, the last time i saw them was back in September of 2003
i went with Tina and 2 other people i considered my friends at the time
it was a real hard show for me, the crowd was close, i could smell them all, and we had got there late(i fuckin h8 that!)
which did not give me time to get use to the space before the lights went out
i endured it as long as i could, but during the encore i wanted to leave, i did not expect J. or M. to go back with me to the car, but Tina, well, she did not go back with me either, i tried to make my way back in the dark, it was hard, i fell more than once, lost my glasses, crawled around til i found them, i started to hyper ventilate until i burst out into the fresh air
then, of course, i started to get angry, it was a long lonely walk back to the car
by the time they got back i was pretty furious, i tried to hide it best i could, i dont think i succeeded, one more time where i am sure my anger(if anything) is all that anybody else remembered
so yeah, i do not think i can go see Radiohead tomorrow, i fear too much it would serve as a trigger for another episode, right now as i write this i can already feel the memory of how abandoned and betrayed i felt by Tina that night, i guess i deserved it, or should have seen it as a sign of what worse horrors were to come after
or maybe it was not too late to get her to love me the way she had before, i mean it did take another year or so for her to leave me
but now i remember it as kind of the beginning of the end!
ps: shit, i was supposed to got to 'MEAT' tonight too, i doubt i am up for that now...
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Tuesday August 19, 08
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03:10 PM - just over 90 days!
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music: Clean BY Depeche Mode
mood: ok, i guess
no drugs in me for over 90 days now
yay!
sure, i have drank a couple of times, but not very often
as long as i allow myself that, it seems to be fine
i rarely even think about speed now
which is good, not that i really did before consciously
i just hung around it and people on it a lot
actually, i noticed that druggies really do not like you talking about drugs, and not just because of the whole cop thing
no, i think its more because if they talk about it out loud, well, then may realize they really should not be doing it
this is why N.A. works for so many
there people talk about it freely
i know it works for me when i get a craving
i mean i dont do the meeting everyday thing
thats just not me, for me the key thing is moderation, even the 'anti-drug' thing
but when i get a craving for drugs
i just go to meeting
i think i'll go to one a little later today actually
(i prefer to go to evening ones, the people there tend to be a better class of person, if you know what i mean)
& it will be nice to hear people clap for me
;o]
ps: i think i found some temporary work that starts in October
now to look for something more long term after that and find something to do before then if i can...
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Sunday August 17, 08
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10:11 AM - i am home!
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music: none
mood: good
the bus trip was horrible, but should be my last
i really stayed too long, however, i was happy to see my Uncle Bill one last time i think
with his kidneys are not functioning he has really wasted away to almost nothing, he was always a small guy, but hard wired, fiercely strong for his size
i mean this is a guy who was a Dunkirk and D-Day
how glorious that must have been, to return 4 years later like that
but life can be a bitch, his grandchildren really do not respect him
they do not take care of him which really pisses me off
and to add insult to this injury two of his grandsons have a bunch of neo-nazi tattoos all over their body
i hope when he passes i can hold my tongue about how i really feel about them
i know they do not respect me anyways because they see me as some race mixer
and like Bill i never boasted to them or told any war stories
but this time we had a 3 generation moment, bill, my step dad, and me
one of my pot bellied cousins had his back to us and all the 3 of us could see was his huge swastika on his back, my step dad saw my eyes flare up
and i did not say anything
then i just looked at Bill and said:
"They just don't know do they?"
he said:
"Aye, aye, they don't"
it was real weird as i just watched him and R. my step dad
they get it even better than me
i mean i understand now that respect is to be given not demanded
but what i could see their in that moment is that
even though they deserve it(& me to a little i guess)
they really do not want from those that are not worthy to give it
i'd like to get there too, where i dont just restrain* myself like i must still often do
where i also really do not want to 'put their kind in their place'
especially when they are family, but they really are not family i guess
we make our own family or if you are like me
really do not have one in the greater sense
i think this may be just the way it was meant to be
some of us must stand as breed apart, waiting to be consulted by those who should seek our counsel
but not only know they likely won't, but be ok with that
right now i find that a little easier to accept
ps: the doggie seems fine, and my bro is not mad at me about what happened, i think he is going to even start taking the pitbull out on a leash every once and a while just so he(thepip) does not fight it so much
i mean nobody wants to totally break him, but its for his own protection, woa as i read what i wrote i realize the same could be said about me!
;-D
*=for a long time i got away with lacking restraint, but all this meant is that when that stopped, i found myself a man of over 30 with little control over my impulses which i really was a prisoner to, getting away with things is not just wrong to others, it made me a slave too i see now...
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Saturday August 16, 08
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12:46 AM - i hope the pup is ok!
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music: Girl Anachronism BY Dresden Dolls
mood: worried
so i went for my late night walk in the desert with my headphones on and i decided to take both dogs
well, the pup and Sam were play fighting
then somehow the pup got all tangled up around me
he started to choke so i cut the leash
he seemed fine after that
then when we got back i noticed its nose was bleeding
i do not know if it was from the fight with Sam
or me falling partly on him when we got tangled up
or i cut him when he was struggling against me as i cut the leash off him
this all happened an hour ago
i am really worried about him
so much so i have had a couple of cigs
he seems fine now, but his nose if defo cut on one side
i keep wiping the blood from it every couple of minutes
i know i am over reacting
i mean he is a pit bull for christ sake
but i feel responsible since i had him on the leash
and i am leaving in the morning
i know i could just say nothing to anybody here before i leave
my bros are not home yet, mom is already in Vegas and my step dad is not home from work
but not to say anything would be real punk ass
so i will wait up til someone gets home
because i really want to make sure the doggie is checked up on after i leave
and i really do not want Sam to get blamed!
;-O
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Friday August 15, 08
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08:48 AM - weird dream & 'Tina on the brain'
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music: Snow Patrol
mood: weird
i often have vivid dreams but the ones i have here can be quite odd
last nite i had dream that me & my family took part in the 'Ghost Festival' or Tết Trung Nguyên
which was just crazy, the dream was me and bunch of other white people!
no Asian people, it was weird
everybody was looking to me to tell them what to do
but i kind of was just making it up as i went along
i had my brothers bow before our mother with me
and when we did so we saw our dead brother was with us
everybody could see all our ghosts too
but when they spoke we could not understand them
well, i could a little
they seemed to be speaking Chinese
a bunch of dead white people speaking chinese
let me tell you it was weird
and everybody looking to me as the family expert on 'all things Asian'
at some point i just ran off
i think maybe i should stop watching the olympics
'moving on'
all this lead to what i call 'Tina on the brain' as i tried to sleep through the rest of the night
in this dreamlike state my mind often replays its memories of our past together
and recently i have been experimenting with changing my perspective when such happens
i find it quite easy to change it to 'floating above & seeing all'
but its quite scary for me to see things from 'a Tina pov'
but when i think i do, like last night
well there is this tremendous feeling of well
awe, awe at how she endured me for 8 years
rather than too much feeling of hate that it was not longer
i mean i cannot endure me!
to think that someone did for so long is quite ridiculous
then my mind moves on to all the angles of this, like:
hey, if it took 8 years to finally push her away, then well maybe given enough time, she can come to endure me again
especially since i think i am nicer now*
;-D
other fantastical ideas too of course, i should have wrote them down at the time
but i did not want to wake anyone up as i lay on my bed so all that remains now is some awe...
*=reading this reminds me not to be so pathetic though
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Thursday August 14, 08
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12:28 PM - more nonsense
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music: Suffer In Silence(Icon Of Coil Remix)BY Apoptygma Berzerk
mood: ready for lunch
well, i did not get my mom's desktop hooked up to the wireless connection
but i did get her laptop hooked up
so my defeat was not complete
enough of this frustrating problem though
and i did hold my tongue about how inferior windows machines are compared to macs
saying that would just be mean and serve no point
people who buy cheaper things are always going to buy cheaper
there is no changing 'poor thinking' in anyone past 20 i think
but enough about that
time for me to wash my clothes
make some foodie
then i think go for a swim after that since the pool has chlorine in it now and no leaves in it for a while...
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Tuesday August 12, 08
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03:42 PM - i h8 vista! chinese cheaters & a poem or limerick?
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music: In a Big Country & other songs BY Big Country from 'The Crossing'*
mood: kind of annoyed
so my mom's computers all run Vista and they all have these stupid security programs thats macs never do
gosh i am so happy i have used macs now for over 3 years, my last laptop breaking turned out to be a godsend
before i was windows using, computer game playing, porn downloading loser
now i am not, yay!
:o]
but still, i want to fix this problem before i leave here
all i got to do is convince these stupid vista running programs is that the wireless network is not another attacking computer!
what i want to do is just take down the whole firewall and other crap, but i know windows pc need some of that
so i gotta figure something else out
:-O
moving on
the fake Commies of mainland China hoped that these Olympics would help improve their world image
well they sure have not done that in my book!
i mean i expected them to do a bit of cheating, but the sheer number of kinds of deceptions that have been already exposed is a little amazing
i cerntainly hope that the world is taking note
there is still a lot to fear from the evil Chinese empire
and sadly, well, the USA is in the back pocket of the worst of the Chinese
they now own more of our federal government bonds than anybody else
BASICALLY THEY PAYED FOR OUR CURRENT WARS
and now the American people are crippled by paying them back
i think we should not pay them back
that would show them!
;p
ok, now for something i composed whilst singing in the shower:
I thought that you would love me baby
If I was not so fat
But it turned out you prefer the ladies
And there not much I can do about that
Except maybe, just maybe
You could come to love me
Once I gave you a bunch of cash!
*=my mom had a box of stuff of mine that she packed like 20 years ago
it had a bunch of old tapes like this big country one & a number of old books of mine...
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Monday August 11, 08
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01:12 PM - the pool was full of pollen & other things
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music: YATQ
mood: i am eating alone, which is kind of sad you know?
on Saturday afternoon i went into the pool after cleaning all the leaves out
that was a mistake, it still had a lot of pollen in it
i got quickly congested after being in it only 10 to 15 minutes or so
phlegm came by night fall and i am sure i had a slight fever during the night
for i had horrible blood filled nightmares which i usually do when i am sick
however, i felt better by Sunday morning
i attribute this not only to an increase my resistance to allergic reactions
BUT ALSO A BREAKTHROUGH VICTORY IN MY DREAMS!
see, i recently figured out that when i am having a good dream, i am usually floating in it and in the best ones i can fly
the more negative they are, the more i am crushed down to earth, and find it harder and harder to move
in the worst ones 'Mother Earth' pulls me under in a suffocating heat
but not Sat. night, on sat. night i used a different tactic
usually when i find myself being held back in my 'dreamares'
i just continue to try and grind it out
and the more i do so, the more i am pulled back
and whatever chases me continues to gain on me
but not on Sat. night, instead i just let go
and somehow felt myself sucked not into the earth but the sky
i think i briefly became a star
i liked that
but then i woke up
:-O
this whole 'Jerry Finn thing'
it reminds me of my dad and his brain hemmorage
it was left to me to decide if and when to turn of the life support
i still think i made the right decision turning it off
but still i root for people in similiar circumstances to beat the odds, and wake up perfectly fine
weird huh?
well, now i am going to try and set up a wireless network for my mom here
i have no idea what i am doing really
so this may be my last time online til i get back to SF on Sunday...
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Saturday August 09, 08
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12:02 PM - sorry about the 'nukeings' & whats up in Georgia?
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mood: whatever
music: Love the World BY Perfume*
63 years ago Nagasaki was nuked, this is the unforgivable one
we could use plenty of excuses for the 1st one
none justify nuking Hiroshima 3 days earlier in my opinion now
but i think after Tojo refused to surreneder one nuking was inevitable
the 2nd though, that we here in the USA will pay for
karma can be a bitch you know
the usa will suffer an atomic attack someday and we need look only to Nagasaki for why
just as in the future American soldiers will suffer more torture because of gitmo
'America', what a country
:-O
moving on, 'sort of'
Russian troops raid Georgian town; scores dead
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/georgia_south_ossetia/
i would be lying if i said i fully understand what has ever gone on in the crazy Caucasuses
but all i know is a lot more people are gonna die now real soon because of what Russia just did
however, it was 'nice' of them to remind the rest of the world that we are not the only blood thirsty empire around
;p
*=the girls of Perfume are from Hiroshima, when i found that out it affected how i felt about our bombing it
sure, it was way before they were born, but still it was on of those deeply pacifist moments i now have from time to time
i just knew it should not have happened, there must be a better way!
kind of like how chica being from Belgrade changed my opinion about our bombing Belgrade...
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Thursday August 07, 08
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04:08 PM - i cant believe i registered to vote today!
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music: Change of Heart BY Cyndi Lauper
mood: kind of pissed, i dont like to post twice in one day here
the election is too close, too many women have turned from voting for hillary to now more than 20% of those switching to McCain! and even more likely not voting at all
american women helped elect gw in 2000 and we all know what that has got us
i get that the democratic party has done not much for equality in a long time, but why that makes so many american women prefer to vote for republican scum that create more dead soldiers and tax cuts for the rich
i just dont get that shit, but i see it more & more
this idea that many i have known have that women are some how inherently more left wing than men is a bunch of crap
how long is it going to take for more people to see that?
i mean i do not want to vote against mcCain more than most can imagine
jesus christ! how long have i dreamed of a vet in the white house?
a long fucking time dont you know
but mcCain is bought and payed for by the most evil interests in this country, those that have reigned long enough
granted, Obama aint much better, i mean how can anyone be who wants to be president?
i am old enough to know that in the world as it should be:
those that want power should never have it
but sadly i have to live in this wretched world
so today i mailed in my voter registration, i will be voting down here
my vote will matter more here in mojave
see, this place is dirt poor, but still filled with a bunch of stupid idiots that vote for republicans, some are even in my family, but i can twist the fam's arm and get most of them to vote my way
thats 5 votes for the forces of 'not as bad as the other guys'
well, maybe 4, one of my bros is pretty racist and sexist
so i may lose his voter registration form
;-D
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