I know it's possible that in his case, there was no hate involved. He may just be in a different headspace than I. It could be that innocent, but thing for me is that it's over because it's boring as hell, to be so excited about someone and find that it's not returned. That boredom does away with my sexual excitement. It brings it down to a mundane level, a generic level and it was so heightened, because I'd been fantasizing that he'd love me. Passionately. That he'd look at me and giggle, and wrap his arms around me and talk to me, but it was just this test drive as if he were thinking of buying a car, and I can see that if I were still excited enough to see him again it would only be test drive after test drive, all on the house, while me, with my fantasy of being loved...being neither here nor there, as if it were a foreign language, keeping it to myself, bottled up, unmet. I can't get excited about more test drives, all free, for him. Except for a little of his time, and for me, a bored walk through really, of going through the motions as if I were really working for a car dealership because without that fantasy being still alive, that he loves me, it's just not the same. The sparkle isn't there, I don't feel that electric gravitational pull so much...though I guess, if he pulled some sexy moves, I could get into sex, but then what? What about afterward? I would just feel used. Maybe not. Maybe I do want to give just a purely sexual liaison a try. Oh, but then there are std's. Anyway I'm so hungry for love, and it's a little depressing to think of spending time just having sex, cold sex. Then, it could be fun. If there is no love, I mean, if there is no sex coming from love, maybe sex coming from a sport mentality would be preferable to none. It is fun even to think about...him visiting...fun. I just need to take better care of my physique, or try anyway and that should be good enough for a few more test drives, and then, well...I will have enjoyed myself, playing the game no? Oy. I'm afraid of std's, I don't know if I would...oh i likely would say yes to him if he'd just be a little persuasive, instead of such bland notes that only say that he respects my decision...when I didn't even make one.

I don't like all this thinking so much. I had thought it would be uplifting, to fall in love...but this has turned into kind of a nightmare.

I suppose it's just because my expectations, my hopes, they were so high. If he'd spelled it out...to say it was just sex, or if we'd only just met, then I wouldn't get the idea we were embarking on a close relationship. It's just the terrible shock of the buildup of hope, crashing against the reality of there being nothing but a mechanical sport going on!

It's not like he told me otherwise. He didn't mislead me. The terms of endearment are so generic I doubt he meant to mislead me with them. He likely is just well trained not to consider what meaning they may have to someone else, a woman. And, I doubt he'd use the same terms in writing to a man, and why not? See I can speculate until I'm dead of it, but, it remains that he hasn't necessarily deceived me. He really wanted sex and so, big deal. He never claimed to love me, to plan on having a relationship with me beyond sexual, or to be caring or anything. Really I was only attracted to him because he was sexy, so, see it's just not all black and white.

I'm grieving because the high I got from imagining he loved me, is lost, because I know he doesn't, and that I'm just like a ball to him. A hockey puck, a hockey stick, etc. A tool. He's not even thinking of 'buying a car'. It's just, getting some free test drives, because he's curious to know how to drive my body, any woman's body probably. As long as she can look like a tool.

I'm so glad my anger has cooled and at least I can bandy about the idea of having him over for Just Sex. At least there is some fantasy material there to have fun with. I guess I'm over it. That brutal disappointment of finding the emotional, the romantic not being reciprocal. I can be glad to just be able to fantasize sex. I'm not mad at him anymore. Well, not to the point of feeling unhinged, anymore.