So nothing's changed in my immediate life except that I've plan to buy that dildo at the end of September when my funds are replenished. This will make me less dependant on someone who, rash judgements and flailing ego aside, is incompatible in a sensitive and very close relationship with me.

i was reminded how hurt I can get frequently by a relationship that is very close with a wrong match again this morning when I went over to his place as he's encouraged me to do around 10 in the morning, and i was horny and made it known by lying on his bed and taking my shirt off to reveal some skin that my jog bra didn't cover. He takes the cue and we go, but after I have to break to have a pee, he's impatient. So he loses it,the erection and says he doesn't want to continue. Okay, so I may be a bit irked, so I say " Don't worry about it. I'm going to buy a dildo at the end of the month. " not to hurt him, but, just to take the pressure off. But his voice turns up a few notches as he begins motor-mouthing at me that I shouldn't guilt trip him. THat went on for like 20 mins, blah blah blahhh. Blegh.

So I take off and feel depressed about having been spoken to like that, after accepting his offer to have sex later tonight. I had plans for today, and that just took the wind out of my sails. For a major clean up I'd planned on doing today in my apartment. It just seemed so, gloomy a prospect, so lifeless with that fresh ringing in my ears. Blah blah blah. Blah. What a fucking ...well, there sure aren't many people I really really really, like. I may crave his affection, but it doesn't mean I like him. I do like him often, but ...or, I should put that in the past tense. Though I know the nature of addiction by now, with food, with the Huss. The Hustler, the Hero that becomes a villain time and time again.
Sigh
So I went to the library, to vent, and read horoscopes, try to understant why I stay with him, maybe I need psychology books more. Anyway, to horoscopes I look, when I'm in that depressed state. Glum. Though I notice I like being less naiive about people, and not gullible. That is the effect his loudmouthing had on me this time, to make me quite sober in how I view the signals people give off. I find that I'm walking a little more hunched for it, and kind of saggingly, or, limply, and I know it probably makes onlookers feel sorry for me or disgusted, but, since I can't help it, I accept it and get on with walking to my destinations, and despite the lamer posture, I feel more relaxed because I'm not aiming to please those around me so much, not caring to be exciting to them in an immediate gratification way. Let them judge me, and let me be reserved, in my judgement of them, and be reserved, from caring about their caprice.
Ironic, that I feel liberated, the depression lifting soon after I got into the library and got online. Not instant relief but, the postive thinking trickling into my aching system.

Who walks into the library just as I'm leaving. I say to him that he shouldn't talk to me like he did, that it depresses me and I don't get things done when I'm like that, and how am supposed to do anything with my life if I'm depressed. Then I said " Anyway, see you later. " leaving it like that. After that, he may not be there when I'm scheduled to show up at his place tonight. I don't care. I was horny for him but the fresh insult is quite the neutralizer of that. I mean if he's there tonight, yeah I'll probably hop onto the ride if he brings it out in invitation but, whatever. I don't care wether we do it or not at this point. I don't care much to listen and observe him, anymore either. I don't think I'll find him so fascinating tonight as I have done. It's just shitty of him and I recognize that it is, in my books anyway, according to my taste, my system. That type of behaviour is, to be kept at a distance and so to be close with him, is unattractive, so, fine if he wants to fill in for the dildo I'm purchasing end of month, until I get it. If he expects me to admire him other than as a tool, any further, well, he better charm me. And I think I'm mature enough from this last incident that I won't expect that charm to run more deeply that it's proven to time and time again.
Fucking reptile. I'm not a reptile and so, we aren't compatible with my guard down and dreaming he is a human being.
That sounds harsh but, it's the way I feel, and I've been treated harshly.