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Monday October 06, 03
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02:01 PM - I'm back for one last entry.
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Hey folks.
Sadly, I've been ignoring this journal for the past few months. For the past half a year. I guess people are worried and such.
So I would like to let you all know that i AM still alive, and i have a new jounral at:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/solitudedancing
Hrm. What's changed. I have realized that I am, in fact, a lesbian. I'm feeling better a lot of the time. I've met a ton of cool people. i'm on prozac and meds for anxiety attacks, which seem to be helping.
And I'm at a new school! A much much much better school. And I love it. When i have a good day. But whether or not I do is something i can't control. I've got two of the BEST teachers in the world, my creative writing teacher in particular. He's a Smiths fan. And we have very similar music tastes outside of the Smiths/Morrissey area.
AND I AM SEEING ANI DIFRANCO IN NOVEMBER!
Enough. :-) I love you guys. Well. Most of you. Not the people who were dissing the lovely Chrissie Hynde.
Get in touch with me! my AIM screen name is thischarmlessgrl. and my email address is the same as ever. Check out my new journal, too. Yay.
Caroline
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Thursday May 29, 03
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05:06 PM - It's been a while, eh?
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Contrary to the rumors that have been going around, I AM still among the living. Somewhat, anyway. I haven't felt much like sitting down to type an update lately, and I haven't had much time to go online. I've been extremely overwhelmed this week with projects and homework. It's ridiculous. I don't know how the hell they expected me to be able to do this without going 100% insane. I mean, it's ridiculous.
One of the things I had due this week was my paper on manic depression. Yippee yahoo. I'd have loved to write it if it wasn't for all the crap that goes along with it. My english teacher, Ms. LeBlanc (more like Ms. LeBlankhead), is such an arrrrsse....I mean.....a wonderful person! HA. No, she's almost unbearably obnoxious. Let me describe her to you:
1. Her classroom is filled with smiley faces. Big, yellow stuffed smileys, posters covered with smileys, smiley magnets, smiley pins, smiley stickers. All displaying their sickeningly happy faces for everyone too see. If she thinks they'll improve the moods of her students, she is WRONG. They're depressing. I'd like to take one of those stuffed smilies and throw it out the window. Heh.
2. She's obsessed with the Maine Learning Results. The learning results are these idiotic guidlines that everyone has to follow. They make it so you are practically told exactly how to write your essay. They explain how they want every paragraph to be organized, down to the sentence. They leave no room whatsoever for creativity, and therefore stifle my interest in writing the damn things. They also require you to fill out somewhere around 891,762, 653 worksheets explaining how you did research, how you socialized with peers, how well you think you wrote the paper, etc. It ends up being that the piece of writing itself hardly matters. If you wrote the essay and passed it in without all the paperwork, you'd fail, which I think is absolutely idiotic. Our "product descriptor" was 4 pages long.
3. She's WAY too enthusiastic. She's always jumping around the room making weird noises and telling stories that aren't funny and laughing loudly and obnoxiously. During Animal Farm, she was running around the room, imitating Squealer, making pig noises and the whole deal. What makes it worse is that she LOOKS like a pig. I could swear, when she was doing that, at any moment she's grow a little pink curly tail. It made me ill. I won't go into details, but she gets so excited about the books we read that she gives away the endings before we're even half way through. She also explains every little thing about the book to us, which is really annoying. I think people should interpret books on their own.
4. She has no appreciation for actual writing! And she's a freaking ENGLISH TEACHER! She never gives comments on the content of papers, and only tells us what part of the learning results we failed to include. The writing itself doesn't matter to her, as long as we followed the format. GRR.
5. For my manic depression paper, I spent HOURS on this really cool collage to include. It was the only part of the project I really got into, and I was very excited about it. I can't really describe what it looks like, but I put a lot of time, feelings, and effort into the thing. I mean, it really shows how I feel a lot of the time. I showed it to Ms. Leblanc yesterday. She took a few quick glances at it, and told me I couldn't use it. She said NOTHING good about it. She just told me that it wasn't the right size, that it had to be the size of the paper my essay is printed on (the collage is about 15 by 15). She also said that the image was supposed to be informational, that it should give some facts. Bitch. She's about as deep as a bowl of Cheerios.
Anyway, I am going to go to bed. If this entry seems little strange, it's because I am exhausted...
Caroline :-)
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Tuesday April 29, 03
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04:33 PM - Update soon!
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I need to take the time to write a nice, long entry some time very soon. I would now, but I am currently both exhausted and hyper from the consumption of far too much dark chocolate.
Caroline
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Tuesday April 22, 03
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01:12 PM - Guess what?
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I have pneumonia. For the fourth time in my life. Great, eh?
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09:49 AM - Interesting past few days.....
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I went to Brunswick with Josh and Mitch yesterday. We walked around the town, going into several shops, spilling coffee, and buying far too many CDs and records. We saw "The Pianist", and it was wonderful.....it was sooooo sad, but incredibly good. We had a great time.
After that, the three of us came back to my house, and we played guitar, talked, etc., with my sister. At one point, the four of us climbed out onto the roof of our screened in porch. We layed there for a while, looking up at the stars. It was lovely.
Unfortunately, Josh and my sister, Laura, were acting incredibly weird the whole time, sneaking around and laughing with each other. It turns out that they were trying to get Mitch and me alone, because Mitch really likes me and is planning on asking me out. Damn. Why is it that everything turns out the way I DON'T want it to turn out?
At one point, he had his arm around me, sort of jokingly, as we had realized what Josh and Laura were trying to do, and it just felt wrong. Everything feels wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get this horrible, terrible, guilty/sick feeling whenever I think about dating any boy. I'm so confused.
This morning, as I was taking a shower, my vision suddenly became blurred, I felt a terrible burning pain at the back of my neck, and I fell to the floor of the shower. I just sort of sat there whimpering with my eyes closed, waiting for the spell to pass. My parents came in and asked me what was wrong, and I told them I was dizzy and couldn't stand up. They had to turn off the shower for me, and I had to sit in there for 10 minutes before I could get up. It scared the crap out of me, and I don't know what it was all about.
I think I am getting Pneumonia, and I am being taken, yet again, to the doctor's this afternoon. My chest and back ache whenever I breathe in, and, well, I feel terrible. I've been feeling better the past couple of days, but I am suddenly feeling much worse.
Therefore, my birthday party was cancelled. YAY. The person who "forced" me into it, Morgan, has always driven me absolutely insane. We were never, ever close. She's one of those people who seems to think that she's everybody's best friend, when, in reality, she's not. Grrr. I told her I was sick, and she made me call the people who were going. I didn't want to have the damn thing in the first place. I called Josh, but I couldn't call the others. No way.
Caroline
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Saturday April 19, 03
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05:36 PM - Wow...
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I am slightly creeped out....I just took one of those stupid, meaningless quizzes meant for deathly bored people, and these are my results....eeek. They describe me perfectly:
You are a loose cannon emotionally, aren't cha?
Your moods are all over the place, leaving people confused about what the hell your problem is.
But it's as simple as this: you see things in complete black and white terms. You feel the highs and lows
of the mood spectrum with passion. Thus, you are inclined to bouts of anger and rage, rather than being a little peeved like regular people. But most of the time, you probably take your anger out on yourself by self-mutilating. You need extensive psychological help, but because you are not delusional, or throwing yourself out windows, no one really notices. Sucks, don't it?
Heh heh heh....
Caroline
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05:18 PM - Urgh.....arrr....errr......emmm.....ehhhh.......eeeek.
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I hate my birthday. And the time around it. In other words, I hate my whole life! Heh. No, really, I am starting to think my body is programmed to get sick, angry, depressed, bored, uncooperative, lazy, and (insert undesirable characteristic here) this time of year. When I think of birthday parties, whether they be mine or someone else's, all that comes to mind is being up in my room crying. Then again, that's all that comes to mind when I think of ANYTHING. Heh. Pathetic, eh? Yeah, birthdays make me cry.
Maybe someone should get me a life for my birthday.
Damn, I'm doomed. Get this - a birthday party is being thrown for ME. Yes, you heard right, ME. AND... get THIS - It's not being thrown by me. It's not being thrown by my parents. It's not being thrown by my sister. It's not even being thrown by any type of distant relative. A birthday party is being thrown, for me, by people I go to school with! Haha. Hehe. Hoho. Huhu. Heh heh. Yippee. UGH UGH UGH. I'm not joking about this, really. (I wish I were, though....) Here are the people who are going to be there:
1. Josh
2. Mitch
3. Morgan (she's "hosting" it...hmmm....heh.....)
4. Cathy (remember that quiet girl I was going to try to get to know? That's her.)
I hate birthday parties. HEEELLLPPPP MEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Sadly,
Caroline
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Thursday April 17, 03
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04:55 PM - Losing my Religion
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MUST.....GET.....OUT....OF.....THIS.....HOUSE......!!!!!!!! I can't stand being cooped up, unable to do much of anything, for this long! It seems as if yesterday morning was a week ago. I AM a little hermit girl, but even hermits have to emerge from their hermit-dom once in a while, to avoid slipping into utter insanity. I must give this virus (AKA "upper respiratory infection) a swift kick in the arse and try to enjoy my April vacation, if at all possible.
I am feeling no better today than I was yesterday. I DID sleep from 8:00 last night until 11:00 this morning, which was lovely. It must be the codeine cough syrup the doctor put me on. Ahhh, sweet, sweet side effects.
Yippee Yahoo.
Easter (my birthday, in other words...) is in a few days. There's another yippee yahoo for you. That's for sure. I hate my birthday. I hate all birthdays. I don't know why, but they always depress me. I always find myself crying at birthday parties.
I am a sad, sad human being. That's for sure.
DON'T READ THIS NEXT PART IF YOU FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT RELIGION.
I hope no one asks me to go to church or anything on Easter. I hate having people ask me to pray, say grace, go to church, read the bible.... It really bugs me. It's fine if YOU want to do that stuff, but don't force me to do it.
Personally, I think that organized religion is a load of shit. I'm not an atheist, but I've never been religious. I think that the point of religion should be to bring people together, to give people hope, to get them through difficult times. Instead, it's been the cause of lots of pain and suffering. Think of how many wars have been fought/are being fought because of religious conflicts. Think of how many people have been killed, tortured, beaten, etc., due to their religion. Consider all of the wasted Sunday mornings, the crap people are put through, all of the lies that are told, because of religion. How can anyone tell a sweet little kid that, if they don't behave, they are going to burn in the pit of Hell when they die?? Talk about a pathetic little technique to make raising children easier.
I think it's ironic that something that is supposed to help people out has, instead, caused them so much fear.
I don't know what I believe. I don't really believe in a god. I guess, if I believe in anything, it's something like what the Native Americans believe, that there are spirits of nature and such.
I hope there's no afterlife, no heaven or hell or anything.
I don't see how anyone could want to live another life after this one. This is enough for me.
When I die, I just want to turn into a nice little pile of dirt.
Caroline
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Tuesday April 15, 03
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03:17 PM - Any miracle cures, folks?
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I am feeling horrible. I'm freezing, my throat is sore, my lungs are wheezing, I'm coughing every five seconds, my head is pounding, my whole body aches....I just feel dreadful. I'm hoping this won't become another bout of pneumonia (spelling? Hmmm.). I've had it four times in my life, and it sure feels like I'm getting it again. Ugh. :-( I don't want to get sick.
My birthday is Sunday, too, and I was planning to get together with Josh and Mitch. I guess those plans are scratched for now. Ahh well.
I'm going to bed....yes, it's only 7:15. :-) ::Yawn::
Caroline
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Monday April 14, 03
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02:02 PM - Great
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I just got a call from my dad, telling my sister and me that my mom has two broken arms. She played tennis (yeah, tennis...) with some of her fellow teachers after school, and she fell very hard on both of her arms while trying to stop herself from falling. I feel horrible. I don't know what to do. She won't be able to do anything. She doesn't need this. She's got enough crap going on in her life right now. What do I do? I feel so sad and helpless. I'm lost.
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