I'm tired of pretending it didn't happen. i've trained myself into believing nothing happened, when infact it did.
From the ages of eight to ten i was abused, by my uncle. i never said anything, i never did anything and to this day i have never told a living soul, until now of course. it's always easier to tell strangers,a void.because no matter what you think of me it ultimately won't matter. I've held it back and held it back, and i simply can't anymore.i can't. I feel like there's a time bomb in my head and it's waiting to go off. It's been there for years. years. forget my adolescent whinging about my parents, my homelife, school, college, because none of that matters to me not really, i don't care. My parents are adults, and school's over. but it's easier to blame the trivial things for the way you feel. i don't know if you've seen the film monster when aileen wurnos (not that i'm promoting a serial killer, but it was quite an interesting thing to say)
'that's how it's always been in my life, it's the stomach churning things, things you can't even imagine you get over, it's the little things that hurt the most'
something like that anyway. that's true.i find it easier to blame my hurt and my pain and and my anger on things that are completely trivial.
my boyfriend split up with me. we're back together.we've split up. we're back together.i dodged school, i went to school. my friends are talking about me. the whole worlds against me. blah blah blah....
it's bullshit, because the only thing in my life that really hurts is what he did to me, my repulsion at him, myself and the world.
he was a heavy smoker, he reeked of tobbacco.i'm a heavy smoker, he was a weirdo/loner and so am i. so did he rub off on me? am i just as bad as him? i think so, i didn't do anything, i didn't scream, i didn't refuse, i was so passive.
and all i can think is when i look in the mirror is, 'you are a whore'
i'm horrible internally i am a horrible human being.and though many will say, 'you were a child' i've never once in my life been a child, never. yes, sexually i was innocent of course, the logical side tells me to get angry at HIM, but i can't help it.i can't, because feeling guilty always indicates that you've done something wrong.
so when everyone says i'm a freak
and i'm a waster
and a loser and disgusting
they are absoloutely right.That's exactly what i am.