stupid mood swings.
i'm looking into alternative therapies now. i hate these meds i'm on they don't work and when they do, the side effects are horrendous.
more later cos i gotta split right now

P.s thinking of changing my name to the 'magic elf'
hey it's more colourful than poor urchin

If i stay here long enough, i tell myself, they won't see it, they won't see what's happening to me, they won't see through my facade, they won't banbarde me with questions like 'what's wrong?' are you alright?'
they won't know that ia md rowning in my own head again, that the medication i thought was a manna from heaven is given me tremors and maybe not so blessed afterall.
they won't know that the bubbly, fun girl they think they know is a fake and a liar

i can be quite an opinionated person, i have a bigmouth and believe you should say what you feel when you feel it, but i can also be stupidly diplomatic when it comes to arguments between friends. i see it from both sides, i never make my mind up in case of hurting feelings, but then when push comes to shove, when i am asked for my honest opinion and i give them it in the nicest way possible they throw and wobbler and ignore me.
jesus people are hard to please.

i feel like tlaking alot today, i have made many observations like....
why do birds fall in love?
why do i fall in love?
why is it so toturous?

i no longer know what i'm talking about

U R being contacted
by our dating agency
by sum1 u know!
2 find out who
phone 09065 45 67 93
U must be 18+ 2 use this service

now am i being a little bit hasty in my thinking or is someone trying to tell me something?
My friends feel that my relationshipsor lack thereof is unhealthy, that i am denying myself perfect bliss and happiness, well, (and i'm sorry to revert to my usual ways) there's no such thing as happiness only joy. sadness lasts happiness doens't, the best thing to do is just search for the joy!!! like in that hagen daz advert,'one morning i woke up and thought,hey, wheres my joy?' or something
anyway in this day in age a young fertile woman like myself should be looking for their soulmate, that's right,if i don't my ovaries will shrivel up and i'll die!
oh yes i'm 18 time to settle down and find a man!

oh dear have i fell behind at college.
I am up to my neck in essays,reports,books and what have you.
I discovered an interesting piece of information today, my college class like me. I am scared. it's not like i'm miss popular, i'm still the girl who kind of sits in the corner, maybe has a few friends, but generally keeps the worlds at arms length, but for some ------- reason my best friend of seven years (who's in my class) told me something that disrupted my little world, the little world i have built round myself to keep people out,
'everyne asked for you while you were away, they all like you, no one has a problem with you,sharon says your lovely'
???????????
what is going on?
what the hell is this?
when did i suddenly become acceptable?

i'm a loner
i'm an outcast
i'm a misfit
i am freak

i am not 'lovely'!
i have to do something about this, maybe get a bit weird on their arses....
but then..
the biggest freaks and misfits are found in dram classes :|

BAD BRAINS MUST BE PUNISHED.
brain for your disloyalty,you shall be fried on saturday night, death by vodka.

seriously.

I have just surveyed the damage my stupid little brain has done to me!
so consumed was i in my misery, i didn't notice just how fucking bad i look. (i am not the prettiest girl in the world, but you know i used to make an effort!)
My clothes are hanging off me!And erm brain i do believe i had tits!and sweet jesus i may aswell wear a bird nest on my head! it's so matted. i tried brushing, shampooing it,conditioning it,brush it again, my god it's dead! my hair is dead!I mean scare crow springs to mind. so it needs to be cut. i need to get my body back in shape, i may feel better but i still feel a bit lethargic and weak from losing too much weight. it's not like i'm emacicated or anything, it's just i lost it all so quickly.
My appetite has came back with a vengance.it's actually ridiculous, the other night i woke up with a terrible craving for cake.I got up and looked for the next best thing, biscuits.is it possible that after months of eating sparingly or not at all, your body suddenly says to you 'eat damn you eat!! now! or you can forget about having breasts!' look they where there now they are gone, would you not panic slightly?
I'm eating so much junk food all the time. But you know the truth is, it's because i missed enjoying simple thigns like that. I missed just getting pleasure from something.No one ver thinksabout these things, just little things like that, it never crosses your mind.

anyway i need a new look.
one that doesn't suggest i'm going to throw myself off the highest building i can find.
suggestions welcomed here :D

i so totally do love it

i've been alot better of late. I've been out and about, i've been productive, i've started socialising again, i'm even beggining to think the world isn't such a bad place afterall. I'm sleeping comfortably, i'm reading, i'm eating, i ma back to my nomral chipper self. so what happened to me? what went wrong?
i was depressed that's what went wrong, which brings me to my point.Someone,somewhere holds the opinion that depression does not exist, that it is an excuse to whine about things, that depressives are a bunch of cry babies (i jsut cmae across this on a forum) and i cannot believe that attitude still exists, ic annot believe that anyone is stupid enough to say such a thing.
if you dismiss depression you'd be aswell just dismissing mental illness all together! just as schizophrenia leads the sufferer in question to believe that someone is tapping the phone 9(just as an example) depression can lead it's sufferer to believe that life is not worth living. despite all the things they may have going for them, nothing can rid them of the conviction that life is meaningless. For the past four years i have the most horrendous bouts of depression, i'm young, but depression (infact mental illness) is indiscriminate. it doesn't care how old or young you are, it will still hunt you down.
We throw around the word 'depression' so much we've forgotten how horrible and debilitating it really is. This bothers me no end.
society has to learn, it has to undertstand.
otherwise countless people like myself are screwed.

it alright, i am no longer the incredible hulk....

you can come back now

raging

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR