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Tuesday April 18, 06
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07:30 PM - You must see I will not move.
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A couple of years ago I was asked why I continued to care for someone who obviously had no regard for my feelings.
I had no answer then, and I have no answer after all of these years. I still ask myself that question now and again hoping that as the days pass I gain some sort of age-old wisdom that only comes with the passage of time. I don't know. I still continue to care for him as much as I did in 2000 before he left for sunny Califor-ni-a. Perhaps not as passionately - I don't feel the fire burning under my skin like I did. I used to be able to close my eyes and see his face, smell his cologne, feel his fingertips tracing the line of my lower lip. I could conjure up his voice and his laugh at the snap of my fingers. No more.
I still see his smile, faintly, I see his blue eyes, distantly, feel his fingers only in my memory - it's all shrouded in a gauzy, smokey haze. He's there, but is he? An apparition from my heart and mind.
Life has changed so much since those days of unbridled passion and intensity. I've grown, changed, evolved, become someone different but still have the same soul I once did. He's a part of it whether I like it or not, and I don't know how to change that.
As life continues and I become more of my own person, more of an adult - wife, mother, myself - I wonder more about him.
I wish I could have just once last dance in the dark, the cold spring night air ushering out what it once welcomed so openly and freely.
I miss him more than I will ever be able to put into words. I hope he is okay.
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