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Wednesday November 18, 09
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08:52 PM - Positive quote of the day
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Here goes...
"Love is not something that fossilizes, but something that lives. Works of love, and declaring love, is the way to peace. And where does this love begin? Right in our own hearts. We must know that we have been created for greater things, not just to be a number in the world, not just to go for diplomas and degrees, this work and that work. We have been created in order to love and be loved." - Mother Teresa
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Sunday November 15, 09
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04:21 AM - The hour or the day no one can tell...
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I went to sleep last night (or early this morning, however you'd like to look at it) around 12:30am. I tossed and turned (never fell out of bed, though), and woke up at 5am. I have to be at work by 10am and work till 6:30 tonight. It's going to be a GREAT day.
I found out a few days ago that a friend of mine died from Cancer a couple of months back. I met her back in 1999 and she was quite instrumental in getting me through a very dark depression from 2001-2003.
Why did I not know exactly when she died? Well, we are about 13 years apart in age, so we don't have any mutual friends. Her Husband is deaf, so his communication is very limited, and I was never very close to him. I had been wondering why I hadn't heard from her in a couple of months. She always kept me updated on her condition, and she ALWAYS sent me forwards (which drove me insane! Funny how I miss those now...) I sent her email and phoned her, but I never got a return, so I just started doing research and found she died. I was shocked because last time I spoke with her she told me that she didn't feel sick and that all seemed okay, but the obitiuary said she died at Hospice. I'm assuming she was hiding her condition, or she went down hill very, very, fast and didn't have the strenght to contact, or maybe she was just being protective and didn't want me to worry. She was always a protective friend. I don't know. For years, when I'd visit home, I'd call and ask her to meet with me. She was more than happy to talk for hours on the phone, but she never wanted me to come out to see her.
She was relatively healthy until her daughter died from a brain aneurysm back in 2003. After that is when she got sick and then eventually developed Cancer. I kind of felt that she'd die from the pain of losing Briley. She held on for six years...
I don't know. When I found out about her death -the day I found out - I was just numb. The next day I was a mess, and for the past couple of days I just feel the loss and I'm really sad for her husband. He has lost his whole world. I can't even begin to imagine the pain he must feel.
Angela was a happy person. She was hysterical with a very dry wit. She was extremely intelligent and loved to write. In fact, she was a ghost writer for a couple of books. She loved stormy weather. Her birthday was on the 12th and she would have loved the rain and wind...probably the flooding, too, we had in NC. She was one of the most understanding people I've ever known. She understood the connection I have in my heart for Chris and she never once told me to get over it, or move on. She always said to me that he was just a part of my heart and would always be and there was nothing I could do about it.
Sorry for rambling. I just need to get it out of my system, I suppose. As I said, we don't have any mutual friends, so I guess to just blog about it here in my journal helps.
She will be missed greatly. I hope she is happy and reunited with Briley. I hope she is looking after those of us who loved her so much. God, I wish I could just speak to her. It would have been nice to say goodbye.
Perhaps I'll go to mass before work. Maybe I can find a bit of peace there.
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Monday November 02, 09
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10:10 PM - Because there is no end.
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So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
you're the only one that knows.
Tell me when you hear my silence,
there's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my silence's over,
you're the reason why I'm closed.
Tell me when you hear me falling,
there's a possibility it wouldn't show
-Lykke Li
I fell long ago, and it shows, but these lyrics send me crashing back...
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Friday October 09, 09
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09:26 PM - A Future Rock & Roll Star
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My oldest and dearest friend has been a Beatles fan since she was 10 years old. I met her when she was 14 back in 1987. She was the most amazing person I'd ever met (I still feel that way) and it was cool that she could play the drums. Well, she always told me she'd name her children after all four of the Beatles.
Fast-forward to 2004. She was blessed with a beautiful boy whom she named, not surprisingly, John Paul.
This kid is incredible. He's turning just five years old at the end of this month and he can play the harmonica. He's picking up the drums quite well, too. Again, not surprising, as his Mom is one hell of a drummer still.
But, the most amazing thing about this child is that he asked for a RECORD PLAYER. Not a CD player, but a REAL RECORD PLAYER WITH VINYL RECORDS. His favorite thing to do is play, as loud as he can, Teenage Wasteland by The Who and dance like crazy! Hell, he even looks a little like Keith Moon...M plays a lot of rock music from the sixties and seventies, so he can tell you who is who when a song comes on the radio.
I think he's an old soul and I have faith this kid will bring rock & roll back to life when he's older. I can't wait to see it happen!
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Wednesday August 26, 09
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09:49 PM - Six Months in a Leaky Boat
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The past five days have been simply horrible. My family seem to love driving me mad. I broke down today out of pure frustration. I can usually hold back the tears for when I'm alone, but today it was impossible.
My life is just a mess. I think sometimes if I just left everyone and everything behind (excluding my cat, of course), I'd be much better off. When you've got people breathing down your neck, telling you every move you need to make...just building more and more weight to put on my shoulders...Good Lord.
And, they don't care. They say they do, but they don't. They tell me I need to do this or that because, in the end, it will benefit them. Not me. Not really. It's sickening.
I had to shut the door today and just let all of the tears go. I actually prayed for death - it's that bad. I went to sleep for a couple of hours to escape, only to be disappointed when I woke up.
It's even harder because I'm alone. I will always be alone. I don't necessarily want it to be that way, but I've accepted it. I've accepted the fact that most of my family see me as a lost cause. I've accepted the fact that most of my friends, even my closest ones, have families of their own - children to take care of - husbands to love. I've accepted the fact that music and film get me through my day and that's all I have to rely on to keep me sane. I've even started hating my job so very much. I used to enjoy going in to work, giving facials, listening to the music - it's relaxing, actually...but now, even there, there's no peace.
No one cares. Not one soul. It's true that at the end of the day we are alone, and we will all die alone. I just wish my number was up. I could quicken the process, I suppose - and most would be relieved by this - but I don't have it in me. Or, maybe I do. I was certainly close to it today.
I'm tired. My heart is so very tired...I think I've had enough emotional stress for the last 8 years to do me a lifetime.
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