|
Friday March 12, 10
|
|
07:52 PM - I never left an impression on anyone...
|
|
I listened to Viva Hate on vinyl today on a portable record player - nothing fancy - just one of those with built in speakers that you plug in and play. I can't tell you how refreshing it was and how raw his voice sounded to me. Without the bass and high tech whatever...it was just very different and REAL to me. I'd forgotten because I haven't really used my record player in a long time. I wasn't even sure the LP would play that well because it's the original I bought back in 1989, but it sounded great. It was a nice experience. I should do it often.
There's a certain truth to the phrase "You can never go home again". I was supposed to move back to the Triad this month, but when I got there to find a place to live...I went into panic mode. I knew instantly I wasn't meant to be there. I'm still on the coast. I've made some changes and I'm just going to have to make it work for now.
Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still in the middle of a tornado.
I was just trying to imagine my life in twenty years, and I can't. Not that I think I'll be dead by then or anything. I just can't imagine it. It seems that I've lost interest in most things. This sounds terribly depressing, I know. But I'm not depressed. I don't really understand it. I used to be quite empathetic but I've lost that, too. Or some of it. I'm still a very emotional person, but I've noticed a new wall that I've managed to build around myself that is a bit more strong and deep and a lot higher than most of the walls I built in the past...does any of this make sense?
It does to me. But then I'm the only one in the room.
|
|
Thursday February 25, 10
|
|
08:50 AM - Last Night I Dreamt...
|
|
I rarely ever dream about Morrissey - and when I do, he's usually singing. But last night I dreamt that I was in his kitchen and we were sitting at an island table in the middle of the room. I was just about to take a bite from the slice of pie that was before me when Morrissey, who had just taken a rather loud crunch from a crisp, poked me in the arm and said, "You...need to step it up a notch". I looked up at him and saw a serious look in his eye, but a very silly grin on his face. I just remember feeling very embarrassed because I didn't know what he was talking about, but understood that I lacked something in my life.
I woke up immediatley - with that same feeling! It was very real to me. I can even recall what he was wearing: Jeans, socks, and a black sweater with a white button down underneath. His kitchen was really nice, too. It had a very Italiano look to it. But anyway, I've got to figure out what it means. I know I lack (spice) in my life, but I'm working on it! Honest!
|
|
Monday February 08, 10
|
|
08:07 PM - Live Fast
|
|
So, it looks like I'll be back in the Triad by March 1st. It's a creepy feeling. I'm not sure how to handle it, really. It's happening quick - quicker than I expected, and it's the last place I thought I'd find myself. The excruciating memories that I buried deep will resurface, I'm sure. I should try to look at the positive side and remember also that I've got friends there. People who care...people who will be happy to see me return. I should only concentrate on these things. Not sorrow. I've learned so much from my sadness, though. I'm kind of thankful for it - if that makes any sense. I think it helped me to figure out who I am and it's made me stronger. I wouldn't want to live through it again...no, no, noooooooooooooo...
Oh, what the hell...on with it.
It's James Dean's Birthday. Let's celebrate!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxGzbxWywmQ
(This cracks me up!) :D
|
|
Tuesday January 26, 10
|
|
01:00 AM - Tramadol
|
|
Is the answer. Let It Be.
I'm taking it for migraine headaches. I've suffered migraines for year and years and could never find anything to help the pain. These headaches last sometimes nearly three days - it's terrible. But, the Tramadol really, really, helps. And, it elevates my mood, too. I think it would be a great medication for people who suffer from Depression and anxiety. I mean...to be honest...I've noticed a difference in how calm I feel when I take it. I don't completely space out or anything, but I definitely feel at peace - which is something I haven't felt in a while. Especially with my dear family stressing me out all the time lately. Such fine people...
Anyway, I'm not addicted to it. I think it would be very easy to become addicted to Tramadol, though. I mean, I've never tried cocain or smoked pot (I hate cigarettes, I can't even imagine smoking pot), so I don't know what a "high" is, specifically speaking, but I can imagine that the - somewhat - zoned out feeling I get from the Tramadol is equal to that of the above.
I just get so tired from the worry and the rush that I seem to be drowning in right now. I've never been one to turn to a drug to escape - well, okay - maybe a sleeping pill. I've been through a lot emotionally for years now. I've taken every anti-depression drug known to man, and nothing helped me. I finally stopped taking medication a couple of years ago. The most I take now is Clonazepam. Not with the Tramadol, of course...But, my point is, because I never found any relief from those antidepressants, I never understood why so many people get addicted to drugs. But, I never felt that euphoric feeling, either. So, maybe I do kind of understand now. See how sheltered I am...sad, sad, sad...
I'm not saying that I'm turning to the Tramadol to help when I'm stressed to my limit; I'm just saying that, on some days, it does help. And, it certainly helps stop those migraines from coming on.
My brother has suggested to me that I move back to the Triad. I see his point, but I hate people telling me - or suggesting - that I do anything. This is why I'm not married. Well, kind of. I don't do well in situations where I'm being told what to do. I like to come and go as I please. Say what I think. Do what I want to do - you know, that sort of thing. I'm a lonely lady - but I choose to be.
I've only recently discovered this. Maybe it's because I'm older now.
Oh, but getting back to my move...it would be easier to relocate to the Traid. I know I can find a job as an esthetician in the area. There are quite a few nice spas to check into. I don't know if going to W-S is the answer, though. Maybe the Raleigh/Durham area. Perhaps even Charlotte - though that's not part of the triad. My brother is only trying to help. My other brother, and for some unknown reason, my FATHER, want to ruin me...I don't understand. And it makes me sad.
Personally, I think my Father is losing his mind. I think he's starting to show signs of Dementia. I'm really quite worried about him. Even though I'm angry, I'm very worried. I love him.
It's important to give love. It's important to remember to love even when you feel so much hate inside. You have to replace that hate with love - otherwise you'll die. Hate will kill you.
For me, my brother is the test...will he ultimately make me lose sight of love because of what he puts me through? Is he worth that? It's hard because he's blood.
I'm strong. I'll figure it out. And, I'll be better for it.
|
|
Friday January 15, 10
|
|
07:18 PM - There's something to it, I tells ya.
|
|
Thank GOD! Mercury has turned direct...it's been three weeks in retrograde. Always very unpleasant when this happens. He won't turn tail again until 18 April, so there's time to straighten out things and breathe a little. This time it was in Capricorn which is my rising sign. AND there was an eclipse as well! No wonder I've been such a mess...well, more than usual, I mean.
For those who don't follow Astrology: When Mercury goes retrograde it brings back the past a little and always affects those who work in communication - like writers, teachers, commentators - even theives! Communication is disrupted, lots of misunderstandings come about...For instance: Morrissey is once again without a record deal AND Management.
Yep. Mercury Retrograde.
Also, the earthquake in Haiti - much like the one on 26 December 2004 that caused so much destuction in Southeast Asia - another good example. Well, a HORRIBLE example, really, but it just goes to show you that when Mercury is retrograde...nothing good EVER comes from it.
|
|
Sunday January 10, 10
|
|
10:36 PM - Mmmmmmm!
|
|
Many of you may have seen this already, but I thought I'd post it here anyway as it looks soooo good! I hope to try it very soon. This recipe won best Entree in Vegetarian Times!
~~~~~~
Wild Mushroom Ravioli in Sage and Brown Sauce (by Emily Peterson - Institute of Culinary Education New York, NY)
1 Tbs. olive oil
1 small shallot, minced (2 lbs)
1 4-oz pkg "gourmet blend" mushrooms (shiitakes, oyster mushrooms, and baby bellas), diced
2 tbs. white wine
1 tsp. fresh thyme leaves
20 square won ton wrappers
1/4 fresh sage leaves, plus more for garnish
2 tbs. grated parmesan cheese
1. Heat oil in skillet over medium heat. Add shallot, and saute 2 minutes. Add mushrooms, and cook 7 to 10 minutes, or until softened. Add wine and thyme, and cook 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, if desired. Cool.
2. Cut 1 won ton wrapper in half, to form 2 rectangles. Brush edges of won ton half with water, and place 1 tsp. mushroom mixture on one side. Fold won ton wrapper in half to make square ravioli, pressing on edges to seal. Place on baking sheet. Repeat with remaining won ton wrappers and filling.
3. Melt butter in large skillet over low heat. Add sage leaves, and cook 8 to 10 minutes. or until fatty solids in butter sink to bottom of saucepan and turn nutty brown. (Personally, I'd use Smart Balance with an olive oil base - not sure if it would work as well, though)
4. Meanwhile, cook ravioli in large pot of boiling salted water 2 minutes, or until they float to top. Transfer to skillet with slotted spoon, and toss to coat with brown butter sauce. Season with salt and pepper, if desired, and sprinkle with cheese.
- Per serving (8 ravioli) 298 cal., 5 G PROT
- 25 G total fat (13 G Sat fat), 21 G Carb
- 53 MG Chol, 336 MG SOD 1 G Fiber 1 G Sugars
(Vegetarian Times, January 2010, pg.63)
Of course this is fattening, but not as fattening as some vegetarian ravioli recipes, however! It's definitely worth a try.
|
|
Saturday January 09, 10
|
|
09:06 AM - All I've got to say is...
|
|
When it rains, it pours.
I really don't know how much more of this mess I can take. People say, "Nothing is THAT bad". Well, I beg to differ...
I do agree that when you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up. But when exactly DO YOU KNOW YOU'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM??
It's just a mess.
|
|
Sunday January 03, 10
|
|
10:06 PM - Existence is only a game...
|
|
I must have "Please Ask Me If I'm Okay" written across my forehead. I can't tell you how many people from work today asked, "What's wrong?", "You look so sad! What's bothering you?", "Are you okay?". I, in return, wanted to ask, "Well, have you opened your eyes today? Do you see what I see?". I suppose it's true that I wear my thoughts on my...face. I am very stressed out and worried, yet I'm calm and pleasant. More so than I should be, I think. With the troubles I am having in my family life, and major personal problems as well, I really should be close to a nervous breakdown. But since I've been there, done that, I guess I'm just deadened to it now. So, I smile, pipe up and say, "Oh, I'm great! Just tired!" and go on about my day. They buy it, or they don't. It doesn't matter to me. I just find their interest baffling and kind of fascinating. But maybe they wish to divert their attention to someone else whose misery is a bit more than their own. It really isn't because they care or anything.
It's revolting, really. You spend so much time helping people, tending to their needs, listening to them, offering support, and what do they give you in return? I'm not a Saint by any means, but these same people - where are they when I need them? My best friend of 22 years...where is she? My brothers - what the hell is wrong with them? My Father...how did he become so bitter? I've got one person who understands me, but I've never even met her (Thanks, H, if you read this). It's just...I mean...I feel completely isolated! Again, I wonder what I've done. But, I haven't done anything, or if I did, I sincerely have no clue what it may have been to cause all of THIS.
Well, I AM tired. I can sleep 12 hours and wake up exhausted. I'm well aware that it's not normal to feel this way. I'm basically a healthy person, so I should have more energy and I shouldn't feel so sickly all the time. I've determined that it all comes down to how I'm leading my life - or how others are trying to lead it for me. And it's going to stop. It's not depression on my part. I'm not using that old crutch anymore because I don't think it's true. I believe if I could just get out from under these certain circumstances, I may have a real shot at being quite happy.
And, you know, things happen swiftly sometimes. I don't know what's going to happen in the next month, but quite a few major changes will take place. One being a move that I thought wouldn't take place until August may take place as soon as the first of next month - to FLORIDA. How it's going to happen, I don't know. Will it even happen? I think I don't have a choice. I've got to find a better place to live so that I can really grow in my career. Esthetics isn't very popular in NC. If I don't move to a metropolitan area where the spa business is booming, I'm really going to be in trouble...
I'm gonna stamp "I'm OK" on my forehead tomorrow.
|
|
Thursday December 31, 09
|
|
12:50 AM - Times Tide...
|
|
Well, here we are. The end is near! Time's a'tickin' - better get started!
In this decade:
I've loved and lost: Chris (didn't see that one coming, did you?) [2001], my sweet Shih Tzu Oliver [2003], Martha - my dear friend and second mother [2006], my very good friend Angela [2009]
I moved from a mildly busy city to the coast where I found some peace and quiet, but I think I've had enough of it now. I'm looking to move to a city again. Which city, I'm not sure yet. I've even thought of moving to another state. CA, WA, and FL seem to be top of the list at the moment. FL is probably the winner by far, but who knows - maybe I'll just move to Raleigh or Wilmington. This will happen in late Summer of 2010.
I have become one of the best Estheticians a client could ever hope to meet. YES, I'm proud.
I had my first art show this decade - in 2001, in fact. It was fairly successful. I've had a few drab shows as well since then, but I always meet some of the most interesting people and they feed my ego and keep me painting on...
I had a lot of fun in 2005 playing "Stella" in A Streetcar Named Desire. I think I might have had my first love interest since Chris in that year, but because I delete my journal quite frequently, I can't check to see if that's certain.
I went to NYC last May and visited quite a few of James Dean's old hangouts. I even stayed at the Iroquios Hotel where he lived for a while back in the early 50's. This may seem silly, but it's important to me because I've been a fan for so very long and I've wanted to make the trip forever. I also saw my very first Broadway show - The Phantom of the Opera. Not my choice, but I really didn't have a voice in the matter. I was just happy to be there.
I FINALLY got to shake Morrissey's hand back in March at Myrtle Beach, SC. A task that took 20 years to complete! It nearly happened in 1997, but every time Moz reached for me, the kid next to me would jump up and knock my hand out of the way! After three times, Morrissey just gave up and walked away. Had I not been squished against the railing and unable to move, I think I would have killed that boy...But, anyway, YES, a gentle touch from the greatest man alive. I hope it happens again...
As for this year alone, it's been about 50/50, really. Only a few things happened that I wish to hold near to my heart forever. Otherwise, I'm happy to see the new year. A fresh new decade. I don't make resolutions anymore, but the one thing I've decided to never mention again is Chris. The fact that I spent so much time thinking about him and writing about him is enough to make me sick. Well, in fact, it did make me sick. So, I'm kicking him out. Gone for good. I'm happy just being who I am and I don't feel that I need another person to make me whole. 2010 and beyond I will concentrate on myself and working hard to find my place in this world - if there is a place (funny how I thought I would be there by now). I've met some great people and reconnected with old friends. What else do I need, really? Other than good health, I suppose. Well, a few more Morrissey shows will be nice :)
So, here's to 2010! May you keep safe, happy, and in good health!
|
|
Monday December 21, 09
|
|
07:02 PM - I don't have to write anything
|
|
This says it all...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKm5IFUcMjk
|
|
