i haven't written in this for years, for a variety of reasons. having a falling out with one of the oldschool moz solo queens would have made me quite unpopular, so i just stayed away from journal writing... although i have checked moz-solo nearly every day since then! Since then, My dad died, I moved to manchester for a while with someone who turned out to be one of the great loves of my life and then disappeared, i traveled, and now i live back in the us and work at a theatre. saw moz in July in Atlantic City and seeing him again at the end of the month in NYC. this is just a way to get me back into writing so maybe i will write an actual entry later on...

Well, here i am in Amsterdam. So many things have happened/changed in the last month that i don't know where to start. I am in a complete state of upheaval. my entire life is being evaluated, my entire value system, everything I have is being questioned and i am not used to being in this state of mind. I have had an amazing time. I have stayed with some truly incredible people, met a few great people on the way, gone to ~crazy~ places, strengthened a 13-year friendship, bought way too many clothes, had my passport stolen, and passed out in an absinthe bar. All in a month's time. I am running out of credit and will continue later...

Well, all is good. It's 1:50 am, i'm not working tomorrow, Karen and I are on good (honest!) terms in a way-too-long-to-tell-now-story, i am packed for my month abroad, my house is in decent shape, and i am very sleepy but still have much to do! I am finally able to let myself get excited and focus a bit, work is over (!) and i am in a good place emotionally. I can't wait to just get on the plane. then i'll be fine.

Its weird to think i may never be in this house again. i was 9 years old in this house, and even when i moved away, my parents were here. I have many memories but most of them aren't all THAT good so i don't feel too attached. i am way more excited to move on to something different. i just have no patience with my life.

Ok i really must sleep, just wanted to mark where i am now. reference, you know. more tomorrow, as the countdown begins!

So me and Karen "talked" last night. it was pretty harsh on both our parts and i felt no reason to hold back. She went on about how in her head she was waiting for the right time to tell me, and she didn't want to hurt me, and she can't understand how i could make her choose between me and Lisa, and I told her it was all bullshit because I never asked her to choose- I told her fivve months ago that the two of them keeping contact behind my back made me uncomfortable, and she took that info and ran with it. She ..Oh, it went on. I can't possible recount everything that was said. I am sick of it all. We are on speaking terms, at least this morning, but no real ground was broke. I'm here for another week and then I am, as far as she is concerned, gone forever, so i might as well have a pleasant week here. The funny thing is that if she had just been honest with me from the beginning then everything would be fine- it would have even been fun. But she pulled the "Oh, i thought you'd assume we'd keep ion touch" and "I'd never do that to you" and lied and tiptoed and dialed around zero and it all backfired. I basically just don't want that kind of person around me. She also pulled the "well YOU have your life together, you have your degree and your relationship and your friends that you love and have had all these opportunities for happiness.." and...??? Does that mean it isn't supposed to hurt me when someone i consider one of those good friends lies to me for months?? I just said, "yes well you know what? I would never have hurt one of my friends to achieve any of that happiness." UGH> she has dominated my journal for far tooo long and i think that is the end.
In other news- Lou called me the other day and left the sweetest message. I'm really glad. We'll talk for real soon and I am getting really excited, now that I can focus on it! She's so amazing and it's funny and fantastic how we manage to keep seeing each other over the past YEAR! It was exactly this time last year that i posted on the Moz solo message board that I was coming to London alone and would love to meet Moz fans. Then i met Lou and she's been quite prominent in my life ever since. I just think it will be fantastic, and I think her and Josh will get along well too. Josh and I have pretty much finalized our plans. we got Britrail passes and will definitely spend some time in Manchester (Hopefully with Lou) and then probably go up to Edinburgh and maybe Glasgow. I am really excited about Edinburgh, it looks beautiful and there are some fantastically interesting things to do and see. I have about five books that I just keep reading and highlighting and copying down just because they make me happy. I am going to be sooo poor but it's ok. i have been eating like a cow and having no money will force me to lose weight and walk a lot.
Things with the house are going okay, too- i am, slowly, getting everything packed, and I think Karen is planning on staying until the end of June so rent is not going to be outrageous, so that's good. I have one more week of work and then it's over until July, my Rotells kids are fantastic and I am so excited i get to work with them again next year, and I can't wait to be rid of all my clutter and stuff and this house! I get to go see my momma for the first week of July when i get back from Europe, and I can't wait, and i got a new car _ well, a 1992 car- that runs and has brakes and all the windows it's supposed to have! so a lot of good things have been happening but i have just been too preoccupied to focus on them. Now today if i mow the lawn and clean a little i will feel satisfied.
And so, my friends, goodbye. My darling Louise, maybe we can chat tomorrow, i can give you a call around 5-ish my time maybe? And to everyone else, wish me luck my friends...

Ok so last Monday I get the phone bill. there are the usual long distance calls, and since I am the only one who ever bothers to do the bills I was breaking up all of our individual long distance charges. I noticed that none of them were from Karen, which is odd because there are usually a few. Then i find a seperate page with "Dial around zero" charges. Apparently it is some special thing where you call the operator and have her place your call instead of dialing directly. All of the charges were to Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts (Where Lisa lives) and they were all for about 300 minutes, placed at like 3am and every time i was not home or asleep. "Hmm" i said to myself. So, deciding that this whole thing has gotten way too ridiculous to keep ignoring, i left the phone bill on the counter with "dial around zero" circled and a big "KAREN" on the top of the page. Now, Karen and I were supposed to hang out last Tuesday. But the Friday before I said, I want to hang out with Tony because its his birthday but if you want to come you can. So I leave the bill out on Monday night, on Tues morning it was gone. Karen calls me Tues afternoon and I explain that I am going over Tony's. She acts all normal-like and of course so do I. We go to Tony's where we do not speak and then, as soon as we get home I go into the bathroom to get ready for bed. on my way out i notice her door is open and i knock and say "night" and i hear someone sobbing hysterically. So i stood in her doorway silently and watched her cry for about 45 minutes. I had nothing to say, what could I say?? She continued to weep and then went outside. I didn't know what to do, but a sick part of me wanted to watch. so i followed her outside and we sat there for another 25 minutes. At one point i thought she was going to die from crying too hard and i put my hand on her back and she said "Don't fucking be nice to me" in between her sobs. So i sat there silently and finally decided to go inside. Then two days later i found a note on the table from her. her note apologized for fucking our friendship and how she knows i woul dnever do it to her and she's here if i wanted to talk and she can't bear the thought of me going to europe for a month and then never speaking to her again, and she has been a terrible friend to me and i agreed with it all but couldn't imagien what to say. i don't think "Yes, you're right" is a good enough reply. so it took me a few days but i think i am getting close to a good response. I think my Draft 1 is a but too rude at the end. i don't want to give her any more of a chance to play victem. She's a very easy person to be friends with, but she doesn't have many good friends. her friends are mainly casual, and she goes through them in stages. that is exactly the kind of friend i don't want in my everyday life. But yet... well i don't know. i will continue working on the letter and see what happens. I want to move on and let everything go but i don't for several reasons. One is, i'm sorry but she has to stop treating people like shit and getting away with it. it's NOT ok. and second of all, i DON"T forgive her and i won't forget. And i am sick of faking it.
ahh, almost time for work to end. feel free to give comments for the letter...is that creepy? Creepy?

You must break out of yourself for a moment and try to understand a few things. I appreciate your accepting your responsibility for this situation; I know it's very difficult for you. However, how can I beleive anything you say to me? You've been lying, consistently, outright lying to my face for almost 6 months. You've looked me in the eyes and lied to me almost every day, as we've gone to movies and hung out together.

You already know these things but its easy to say something and its a whole different thing to actually do it. You ended your letter with "I'm here if you want to talk" but then you went away for the weekend. Visiting Janet again? Or maybe Meredith? That's not even the point- You're "here" when YOU want to talk. You say you're upset that I am going away and that you don't think we'll talk again. Sorry about that, but you weren't all that upset a month ago. We haven't had a real friendship for months and I don't think you even noticed or cared. That's fine, you not wanting my friendship, or wanting something else more. I can deal with that. But don't fucking PRETEND to be my friend, don't PRETEND you care about me, don't think you can fuck me over with one hand and hug me with the other. I am still flabbergasted that you really thought this would be ok. You went out of your way to shit on our friendship and i just can't grasp it.

Do you care or don't you? Actions speak louder than words, and your letter, while appreciated and necessary in order for anything REAL to ever happen, means nothing to me if you can't follow through. I don't want details or specifics. I don't want a crying session. I want to know if you are going to be a genuine fucking human being who gives a shit about her friends or if you are going to remain a self-centered, manipulative, lying, spineless little cunt. And that can't be put in a letter.

So let me know.

Well, so much has happened and just when i really need the release of writing in here i can't even find the time to do it. I can't beleive what's happened on moz solo, i have to wonder how much of it all was the lawyers and how much was actually moz, nothing seems to be coming of it anyhow. fucking ridiculous. Things on the home front are insane. things with Karen finally exploded as i knew they would, long story i'll tell later on, my teaching stint is nearly over assuming my kids can make it through their final performances, which are happening this week, there is a "For Sale" sign in my front yard, my mom came down this weekend and we sold almost everything we ever owned, my work contract is up in 2 weeks, and also two weeeks from Tuesday I am leaving for England!! I can't beleive it. Louise, if you are reading this we need to chat!!
in the meantime there's so much other stuff going on, i have to take it one day at a time.

and my next step is to take a shower. much, much needed after a hot day in the sun selling my old curtain rods. it's amazing to me what people will buy.

Oh, i'm so angsty lately!! I spent this weekend with my mom in Cape Cod. It was fabulous, my dad was away for the weekend so it was just me and her. we ate and shopped nonstop, and talked... and the talking made me sad because she is such an amazing person and she is so being dragged down by my dad and i want to help her but there is nothing i can do. I felt closer to her this weekend than i have felt to anyone in a while. i just feel disconnected, floaty. i feel so under pressure that i don't feel much at all. i have to have the house packed up and ready to be moved in by the time i leave for london (less than a month away-AHHH) and try to work out who is moving out while i'm gone and be sure that the rent gets paid and pay all the bills i'm late on and clean up this place, which no one seems to care about but me. after working a 13 hour day yesterday (no joke) i came home to my friends all laughing and drinking and having a good time, which is what i know i should be doing with my young and energetic (!) years but i was so angry at them for their joy- jealous yes, but also annoyed that even after they see me come home and fall into bed, they don't hesitate to scream and yell outside my bedroom door and throw things and break the broom (Why should anyone else care, no one sweeps but me and karen when she's not disappeared) so now the kitchen is full of mung and on any other day i would probably not be all that upset over it- annoyed yes but i am still seething, much as i try not to- but today i have to make millions of copies of scripts for 8 year olds to perform in about 2 hours and mow the lawn and Mike keeps saying we have to go to the hospital for his hernia but he refuses to finish the medicaid application and then acts like I'm not doing my job by taking him to the doctor. and then i have to clean the rest of the fucking house and write a lesson plan for tomorrow and i am being bitchy and i know it but i am sick of having responsibility, too much i feel, at work and at home simply because i am the only one who accepts it. i am constantly in this position and always have been. i have always been emotionally responsible for my family and friends, always financially responsible for myself- and now i am for a whole household, and a house, which is way too much of a job for me right now-always wayyy too responsible at work, which means i always get more and more responsibilities because my bosses always see that i can handle it, they don't see me snapping at my friends and family, who irritate me not because they are irritating but because i am cranky, they don't see me eating six slices of pizza without realizing it because i have numbed myself out of necessity, they don't see me needing to "babble" on in my online journal at ass-thirty in the morning because if i said this out loud i would be even more pathetic and also would never expect anyone to want to listen to this ridiculous, selfish, self-obsessed drivel. If i read this on someone else's journal i would probably say, get over it, your life is not so bad. so to myself i say, get over it, i must needs take a shower and begin my (hopefully shorter!) day.

Lately I've felt very overwhelmed, emotionally. Work is crazy, but I can deal with that stuff because it feels very distant. The part of work that affects me is the teaching, but thats ok too because it is almost over and it's also not all that close- its still work. but things with my parents are starting to affect me. my mom says my dad has been worse than ever now that they're in cape cod and have their new apartment, apparently he just sits on the couch and stares, he doesn't eat or shower, and he drinks 8 dollar bottles of vodka all day. he's been getting mean and bitter. Its definitely because he's not worlking full time and just sits around and drinks which makes him more miserable so he drinks more, and my poor mom has to come home after working all day to his nastiness and grossness and complaining about his life. my mother, meanwhile, is just so proud of herself for getting up there and making a place for herself, she is so content with herself and could be so happy if only he wasn't such a fuckup. he is a miserable, pathetic person and wouldn't be happy no matter where he was or what he was doing. he is going to die soon, one way or another. he drives drunk and wants to die and it's bound to happen eventually. he is lucky to be alive now, considering everything! When mom came down last weekend i felt so peaceful and protected, she makes me beleive that everything will really be ok, that we will find a way to make everything work, and its just so nice to be so loved and appreciated in such a pure wonderful way, that comforting, warm feeling that only sincerity and love from a mother can give. I don't trust anyone right now, i feel very on edge between work and life and "friends" and my mom is just like the anti-edge. but at the same time i get a little depressed when i'm with her, both because she lives so far away and because i know a huge part of her is miserable because of my father, who is and has always been too wrapped up in his own selfishness to give a fuck about helping himself or making their life better. and that makes me want to hit him. and then we're getting closer to selling the house, and the timing is so messed up, i basically will not be here when we are supposed to move out so i have to figure something out with that. and Karen is moving out right when the contract ends, which is June 9th and for me that can't come fast enough. i just want her out of my life. she is nothing but negative energy. the other night she came with josh and i on our way to nyc. she explained that her good friend was pregnant and was going to get an abortion. (this was, of course, done in a ridiculous and false story-telling fashion and took a long time) karen is the only person who knows besides the friend's sister. the sister was unable to go with the friend to the appointment, so she asked karen to go with her. karen told us that she didn't want to go because she always gets depressed this time of year due to the fact that her own baby (she had the same situation when she was 17 and made the same decision) would have been born around now, and she was a little mad at her friend for her inconsiderate choice of time to abort her baby. sahe asked if it would be mean to tell her friend that she wouldn't be able to go with her because she is too upset about her own unborn baby. what an asshole! Listen, bitch, you're one of two people who know about this girl's baby, you're supposed to be really good friends, she needs you desperately right now and all you can think about, EVER, is yourself!! what the fuck is wrong with you?? Can you ever put yourself aside for one goddamn minute?? And the other day she sat down with Mike (who she never speaks to ) and said she needed some advice and asked him what she should do if, for instance, her parents were really prejudiced and she brought home a black boyfriend, to help them get over their prejudice. Mike, who has no patience for games, replied that if he were her he would blast "Jungle Fever" really loud all the time, and Karen explained that she didn't really have a black boyfriend but it was just an example. Hmmm, wait a minute- what if you had a girlfriend, karen, would you bring her home to your homophobic parents?? a girlfriend like Lisa, oh wait a minute, isn't she your roommate and supposedly good friend's exgirlfriend??? Other little things have been coming up recently too about Boston and Lisa and I am so nauseous and repulsed by the whole thing, the betrayal is so thick i can feel it hit my stomach every time the subject comes up. Not that Karen and I ever talk about it, of course. we don't talk about anything. i never see her and when i do we talk about things like ice cream and abortions, never about anything like our failed and smoking friendship.But Josh and I talk about it. Tonight Josh gave me a little more insight into Karen, he thinks that she is jealous of the things I've done, she always says things about wishing she'd gone away to college, wishing she'd lived on her own, etc, and she always tells me how lucky I am to have done those things (It wasn't luck, girl, it took WORK) and she is jealous of what i had with Lisa and saw this whole situation as a weird kind of revenge, but in her head it is justified because her head is one messed up place. today i was talking to my mother and she was saying how she doesn't mind not having any friends because she's happier on her own, and that way she won't get hurt. Karen has fucked over every single friend she has ever had and I don't know why i thought i'd be any different- to her i am just another brick on the wall (or whatever). But friendship is different to me- i don't waste my time with idiots. I choose friends carefully, if they're good i hold onto them for dear life and if they fuck me over, goodbye and good riddance. i had a friend in high school who dated a girl I liked so much. she just, one day and out of nowhere, after hearing me talk about her often, started dating her. She was flabbergasted when I said, "you knew i liked her, thats fucked up" and just stopped talking to her. there was no need for further dicussion. Its fine if she wants to be an asshole, but i don't want her as my friend. just poof, disappear and we'll all be happy. If you can't give me your all, just go away. I give people that matter everything I have and I did the same with her and I am so hurt and annoyed with myself at the same time! I Know eventually I'll get over this situation, but I need to get away from her. she has been gone since tuesday, she said the appointment (the friends, which yes she did go to, after I said "its pretty fucked up if you don't go- with friends you have to weigh your priorities" A-HEM) was on Friday, she didn't come home last night and she got home tonight at 2am and was really quiet and not in her work uniform. i asked her if she had to work and she said "i never got there" I asked where she was and she paused and said "not at work". then she went into her room and closed the door. where have you been, ehh? Fucking my exgirlfriend maybe, or pretending to care about your recently aborted friend all the while hating her in your head for making you go through this? She really needs some help, she has some serious issues and I can't even begin to describe the million other things right now.
Going to England is the one thing I think about right now to keep me sane. I can't really focus on it completely right now because my mind is so cloudy, but it is like a light at the end of this tunnel, this freedom i need really desperately to experience again. no work, no stress, just adventure and beauty and fun and Louise.

I know i shouldn't waste time or energy thinking about Karen, but sometimes i get really overwhelmed and upset about the situation. It really hurts me to lose the friendship we had and I feel manipulated and angry. I don't think i ever totally trusted her but i never thought she'd do anything liek this. guess its better i see it now than years down the road when i did actually trust her. but her friendships don't usually last that long.

Thank god for the good people of the world, and thank god i am lucky enough to have them in my life. good people of the world, i salute you.
in the meantime...its 2:44am and i am too riled up. gnight...

work is truly one giant, oozing shitheap.
we had to fire an actor (Friday) because he has an "anger problem" so it was inappropriate to have him working with children and then another actor quit because this job is "poisonous" (yeah, she's a bit over the top) to her without abovementioned actor, and my boss had about seven heart attacks and I had to talk her through each one, and then today I had to play Saint George in the play because no one else could do it and we just fired the real St. George. so with no rehearsal I had to play him for two performances today in front of hundreds of children. it went fine, and was actually really fun, but the stress of all of this is about to kill me. Thank god no teaching this week, i don't think I could have handled it. Of couse, I still have to figure that stuff out by next week. well, three more weeks of tour, then two more weeks of work, and then...London! well, London and Manchester and who knows where else! And I get to see Lou, and we'll get to really spend some time together and have fun and relax! I can make it, I can. This will not kill me. Nevermind that I think we are going to sell the house and then I need to find an apartment which is wonderful but the timing is all bad because it is happening basically when I go away, so I have to set up our new place before I leave, but I am working nonstop until then and I don't know how on earth I am going to be able to do it.
well Josh and I are off to nyc tonight for some much-needed quality time. off we go..