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01:59 PM
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everybody's lost.....
and I'm not even pretending I'm not anymore..... I can be the ringleader of the lost maybe...
I'm trying not to feel lost but it comes over me - in strong waves...... at strange times..... sometimes it's so strong that it physically hurts..... other times it's just a dull shadowy sensation....
but I'm fighting it anyway.... I'm trying to gain perspective any time I start spiralling into the lost-ness....
when I was younger it was the same, but different reasons, looking back, stupid reasons.... now it's stuff like the economy or the mortgage or my job..... and in some ways it's worse, because some of these things are my mistakes that were made; my path, littered with choices, that has brought me here, so no one to blame there.... and if it's not my mistakes I'm pondering, then it's other people's problems.... family, friends.... or people needing stuff from me - help with this, advice with that.... drive here, translate this, help me write that....
all making me sick and feeling lost.....
so - distractions....
distractions are where it's at.....
wine is a distraction.... british tv shows - distraction.... I managed to fenagle a trip to London next week - a fucking great distraction..... costs money though a little voice reminds me - oh, there we go again - the feelings of dread and guilt at spending money.
must keep busy or numb..... that's the key....
morrissey tickets - that's a plus.... I bought one ticket for a show that I have to drive to another town for and then I need to try to get a ticket for the show in my own town....
something to look forward to.....
but then again, a bit of dread at spending money..... 'but it's not a lot.... not a lot to pay for a bit of fun....' says the opposition.
I just keep reminding myself that I'm fine.... at the moment, everything's fine... why oh why is that so hard to remember? so easily it slips from mind.... my world goes from 'Hey! life is grand!!' to 'Oh shit - what the hell is going on in this world?' in one news article.... one radio story....
I cry when I watch the news now, isn't that sad? I haven't told anyone that ever, but there you are.... something between us there....
and no, not local news... local news spends 15 minutes talking about the weather - which is FANTASTICALLY cold by the way - it was minus 10 farrenheit this morning when my little car, literally, shuddered to life with a groan and 15 strong shakes.... ('he's not gonna make it much longer' - I grimly thought - not wanting to voice it aloud... I mean, the car was right there... I had to act strong:) )
but watching the world news or listening to NPR... it makes me feel really really lost..... thinking about the housing market and unemployment makes me feel really really lost too.... reading about illness and war makes me feel lost (and sick too - convinced I've got *something* wrong with me)....
I knew I shouldn't have put on an old cd yesterday.... home alone because our heat was broken, waiting for the gas guys to come out, I decided to take down my christmas tree finally... and I put on David Gray's White Ladder - hadn't heard it in years.... and I was instantly in my old room in my old apartment.... total flashback - complete with gut wrenching feelings....
I don't like reminiscing....
I want to live in the now and tomorrow.... but these days, thinking of tomorrow, which used to make me feel hopeful or alive (back to having something to look forward to) even that's giving me gut wrenching feelings of anxiousness....
maybe some people have the right idea, the people who don't watch the news or don't read the papers.... if it's not happening to me right here right now, why bother clouding my fragile mind with it all?
I should just live in the here and now only..... just rest here for a bit.....
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I don't get sad at the news, I get angry. Maybe try that, it's stronger!
Good time to go to London, the pound is worth shit.