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08:49 AM
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you don't look the same you're just not the same, no way....
I went out and bought myself a squeaky new pair of flip-flops (they're so nice when they're new - so puffy, so full, so clean). I also went out and got myself a cheapy watch.... but it's an ADVENTURE watch - it's all black with a thick canvas velcro strap and it can go underwater down to 50 meters, which will come in handy because I've booked a trip.... st. lucia, here we come.....
I wanted to find a place where we can dive again because I've realized that since our last diving trip (which was coincidentally our first diving trip) I think I have post traumatic stress disorder..... seriously....... full description of events can be read in old entry - but basically, i went too deep...... i knew I wasn't ready to go that deep, but no one really stops you and it was supposed to be a really easy dive, but let's just say I experienced nitrogen narcosis and it freaked the shit out of me...... so that now, when I think about it, I panic..... I can completely go back to that place and time and I can feel exactly how I felt.... I can get into a physical state that feels almost like what it felt like..... and I start imagining what *could've* happened had I lost consciousness or if someone knocked my regulator out of my mouth (I probably wouldn't have been able to follow emegency procedures in that state), etc. etc.
I start imagining how deep that was...... how much deeper that hole went...... how much heavy water was above me....... how, the deeper you are, the easier you sink, and there was nothing under me... I can see myself in the deep dark water with only a hose and mouthpiece providing air and the environment around, well, you might as well be lost in space..... i think that was part of the problem - you see, I'm kinda claustrophobic, and darkness makes it feel more constricting.... that same depth in the big blue would probably be nothing, but add darkness and you've got panic.....
the fact that I left Mr. Lost and just took off - I panicked..... I feel disappointed in myself.
I can get my mind into this weird mode and if I do that, I feel like I won't go diving ever again. and apart from that one incident, it was really amazing...... so I have to push myself and i have to go again..... but this time, I'm going to wear more than just a swimsuit and I'm not going to go that deep for a long long time......
it probably sounds like nothing, but it was quite something to me....
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My brother's wife is pregnant and I have (stupidly) offered to have the baby shower at my place...... I thought it would be nice...... plus I have the space for it...... but now I'm regretting it. 20-some odd ladies of all ages on a Sunday afternoon (many bringing their kids with them because apparently, their husbands aren't keen on watching their own offspring, even for a few hours - or so I'm told) is not exactly a cracking ole time...... but what can I do?
I'm awful at these types of things..... I never know what to do, say, what to serve...... especially when I realized that I won't know many of these people since they're friends of the sister-in-law.....
I had high hopes - in my mind, I thought I'd put on a pretty dress and set out hors d'oeuvres with red manicured nails while sipping on a mimosa from a delicate champagne flute......
I don't have champagne flutes.....
or a pretty dress.......
I can manage the nails though...... that's definitely doable...... they're red about half of the time anyways......
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but it is best to get diagnosed by someone
who will hopefully proscribe a recovery plan
especially if you want to go diving again
and not worry about it...