a year ago today, I got married.....
I was never really one for marriage, I didn't really see the point. all the married people I knew seemed boring.... and old....
but after 10 years of dating, it seemed like the right thing to do... (well that, and my poor mom could finally breathe a sigh of relief - for one, I was no longer going to hell (living in sin and all) and she could finally stop praying for my eternal soul... she has since moved on to my younger sister)..... and the party was fun.... and despite some hiccups, we managed to pull off something that resembled a fine wedding....
and then nothing really changed afterwards.....
apart from now having in-laws to rant about (they became infinitely more annoying now that we're "related") and from having a "husband" instead of "boyfriend" - it's all pretty much the same..... kind of what I thought marriage would be like, to be honest... which goes back to my prior thoughts of "what's the point?"
In fact, due to the wedding, we got into a major fight the week prior and so as a result, the actual wedding day wasn't highly romantic inasmuch as it was a big party with people we hadn't seen in years - that and seeing both of our families together in one space for the first, and most likely, last, time.

it's maybe a touch more "permanent" in that now, if we were to break up, there'd be paperwork....

I guess the successful part of the whole thing is that, 11 years on, we still get along..... and I've kind of decided (I've read this somewhere and decided it's true) that love is a choice.... you choose to love.... yes, it IS something that just happens, at first, but as the years drag on, erm, I mean, as the years gently pass, you have to make the choice at every crossroad and at every junction..... and getting that piece of paper doesn't change the fact that you still have to choose to love each other... and sometimes that choice is super easy and other times the choice is hard... and there's no guarantee that both of you will always make that choice to be with each other.... there is no ever after....
but maybe that's the point of marriage..... maybe it's the promise and the hope that you'll each do your best to always choose each other....

but then again, maybe I'm in a philosophical mood..... I blame the rain..... and the fact that my birthday was a few weeks ago and it passed, surprisingly to me, without a bit of sadness or anything...... I used to get very melancholy around birthdays (the passage of time, another year gone, blah, blah, blah.....) and yet this, the last birthday of my 20's has been the smoothest yet.... and I find myself looking forward......
maybe I'm growing up after all.....

how do you explain loneliness and loss to someone who has not experienced it?
I feel like a human - a fragile, delicate human - trying to explain this concept to a smooth, cool alien being....

my mom has six children..... at the age of 40, she found herself suddenly, a widow, with 6 kids ranging in age from 17 to 2..... she raised us all on her own..... she worked and saved and scrimped... the last 17 years have been very hard..... and despite being able to do all of this, she's still not a very independant woman.... she had to learn how to drive at 41, but she doesn't like going places on her own.... she has managed to buy and sell property to some advantage, but she's always scared to make a move on her own or to make a decision.... she's relied on all of us to help her along the way....
slowly, we've all moved out on our own, some of us have gotten married and had kids, we've all gone to college and some are still in college......
she was left with my two younger sisters.....
my one sister K - her and my mom share a close bond..... K spends time with my mom.... K introduced her to Starbucks and pedicures and took her shopping to splurge on herself for once and helped guide her into some sort of fashion sense..... they argued too.... fiercely at times..... but they always made up.... we joke that they must've never fully cut the cord when K was born.....
K has decided that she wants to move out on her own... she wants to move in to a trendier part of town and have an apartment and be able to walk to bars and clubs and be independant....
my mom, after 36 years of spending all her time raising her kids, is going to be left with one daughter at home..... one daughter who goes to college and works and is rarely home.....
she's very depressed about this turn of events even though she knew this was coming eventually...

Mr. Lost and I, hell everyone I suppose, will sometimes get on this chain of thought where you wonder what the hell this is all for....life and everything.... we wonder what the hell we're working for, we wonder should we have kids, we wonder where the best place to move would be, we wonder what to do about jobs and our cars and what to do this weekend..... and sometimes we get hopeful and sometimes we get depressed but we're always looking forward.... and we're looking forward together.......
for my mom? I can see her feeling like everything is behind her.... I can see her watching her friends, alone at last with their husbands, enjoying themselves at last after raising their kids, vacationing together (even if it's just a roadtrip or a weekend at the beach), visiting grandchildren, etc. and I see her pain at not having that.....
after all of this struggle and caring for others and trying to make ends meet (eternally struggling to make ends meet), she's by herself.... she has no one to consult with, no one to plan with, no one to look forward with..... and I know there are plenty of people who don't need anyone and there are plenty of people who are fine being on their own, my mom is not one of them.... she got married and had all of us because she likes being surrounded by family.....
and so I feel her pain..... it's sitting just below the surface for me.... I try to encourage her to meet someone, a companion that she could spend time with.... and she has surprised me by going on "dates" with some gentlemen but in the end, these are not people with whom she can plan a future and that's what's most missing in her life..... a partner......
and this makes me so profoundly sad for her.....

and then I try to explain this to Mr. Lost, as he looks to me quizzically when my eyes well with tears thinking about it..... he doesn't get it..... he tells me, "yeah, we all moved out of my mom's house too and my mom's alone, so what?"
His mom has her father living a few miles away and always there for her financially and emotionally should she need him, and she's got a husband who works two jobs and also provides her with health insurance through his job...... it's just. not. the. same.
my mom has no health insurance, no parents or other family who could help her out in a pinch, no back-up other than us, her kids.... she's got no one to talk to every night even....
so then mr. lost will say something equally ridiculous like, "well, my parents don't even like each other anyway so it wouldn't make a difference if my dad was not even around at all"..... while it may be true that they don't necessarily get along, it is definitely NOT true that it would be the same as having him gone altogether - they still live together, they still vacation together, they still go to weddings and parties together, thay still celebrate each other's birthdays and he fixes her car when it's broken and she cooks for him and he goes to the beach with her and they barbeque... he fixes the leak in the roof and paints the whole house and works two jobs while she doesn't have to work at all...... all of those things that my mom doesn't have.... levels of companionship - mental, physical and economic......
and if my mom were an independant woman, if her personality was ok with it, that would be one thing... but I know that she is missing this huge chunk of her life and I know that it's causing her a lot of pain and sadness....

and mr. lost just doesn't seem to get it..... so I don't bother trying to explain anymore.....

don't forget to wear a flower in your hair....
or however that old song went....

I did go to San Francisco - it was my first time in California.... my first time west of Las Vegas actually.... and it was surprisingly cold, surprisingly windy, surprisingly affordable (I mean food and stuff - I'm not talking rent) and surprisingly 'normal'....
i think i was expecting this crazy place full of old hippies and young yuppies (and yes, i'm aware that the 'y' stands for young) and all manner of deviants.... but apart from a regular old transvestite (well, 2 if you count Eddie Izzard - but he's off duty now) I saw nothing out of the ordinary.
It was fun though... but cold..... brrrrrr..... i drank more coffee and tea there than I have since February here. and then we drove out to redwood city and it was 81.... just a half hour away.
the strange thing is that this weather abomination is still a fairly well kept secret. I knew it was going to be cold becasue my sister in law warned me, but everyone I've talked to since I've been back has been shocked....
my mom - I called her monday and told her how it was....
"was the weather nice?"
"no! freezing.... and foggy."
"freezing? but it's california.... I don't like foggy.... well, is it pretty there?"
"um.... it's interesting, but no, I don't think you'd find the architecture pretty.... it's mainly kind of retro/old... like 70's looking... the skyline at night looked cool, but it was half covered in fog..."
"oh.... I don't like old..... well, is the water nice?"
"um.... I mean, you can SEE the water and there WAS a little beach, but it's not like lakefront views.... it's kind of full of docks and stuff.... and it's covered in fog."
"oh...... well then why the hell is it so expensive to live there?"
"people like the fog and the old stuff... I dunno...."

but it was fun - i'm glad i went.
Eddie's show was fantastic.... I was in the first row and just in awe...

and then upon arriving back at home, I found a package waiting for me on my front stairs - a friend of mine from England had surprised me with a Russell Brand DVD and also Russell's booky-wook....
I'm up to here (I'm raising my hand to general neck area) in British comedians!!

and in other news..... more proof that i'm getting old....... two weeks ago, not only did I agree to go to a work function banquet thingy, i actually had FUN at the work function banquet thingy.... and I danced too..... in front of coworkers and technically, employees....
it was over at 11 and then a few of us went out for more dancing after that and I found the club too crowded and loud.... i did not like it..... i preferred the work banquet..... *i'm hanging my head in shame*
in my defense, the banquet bartender was making killer drinks and they were free....

"middle america's conservative..... right?"
Friday - Independance day..... I was home alone..... with no alcohol to occupy me. so instead, I cleaned, and intermittently ran from the back balcony to the front windows to take in all of the fireworks being shot off....
I filmed some of it on my camera, but then it got darker out and even more fireworks started going off and I tried to capture it but my data card was full..... in fidgeting with it, I was missing the fireworks so I just gave up.
I love fireworks...... huge starbursts of color lighting up the sky, the sound of booms and bangs going off near and far.....
fireworks are illegal in this state too - so the perseverance of these folks is astounding..... they had to drive to the next state and smuggle these in.....
my brother informed me that certain fireworks carry a felony charge if caught with them - something about the class of explosives.....
the 4th of July....
26 years ago on the 4th of July, I entered this country to the sound of fireworks.....
my American anniversary.....
should've had a beer or something to commemorate the occasion....
oh well....

Saturday - I found myself wandering around, in complete awe, in a gun shop...... just guns - everywhere - for the buying..... revolvers, shotguns, boxes of bullets.....
(yet fireworks are illegal... sure - makes sense)
my stomach increasingly knotted up as I watched the peaceful glass eyes of deer heads sticking out of the walls over my head..... guns below and deer above.....
I started feeling sick to my stomach.....
old fat men in camoflauge jackets buying BIG GUNS......
tough guys.....
I found a stack of sheets asking to join the second ammendment protest.....
is that one the right to bear arms? hmmm.....
eddie izzard talks in my head - "guns don't kill people - people kill people..... and monkeys kill people too - if they have a gun...."
as I wander around the store they have camouflage scent - to spray on yourself in order to get closer to the animal..... they even have camouflage chewing gum - to disguise your breath.... (how close are you getting to this deer that you need to camouflage your breath??)

my friend made our purchases - boxes of ammunition.... we were headed out to the shooting range.
we met our other friends in a parking lot and headed out for the hour and a half drive out of the city with 6 guns in our trunk.
it's ok to transport guns in your car (!) as long as they're in a case..... I look at the passing cars from the backseat - wondering how many cars have guns in them.....

the shooting range - an old man with a gun strapped to his hip gave us forms to fill out and sign..... there was a box with some round pins and a little sign that said "Free" - I picked one up and turned it around - it said "McCain" on it.... I elbowed Mr. Lost and raised an eyebrow....
we're not in Kansas anymore, toto.....

We pulled up to the actual range - a row of tables - and everyone was shooting at a bunch of crap out in a big pit.
there was a kid (looked about 13) with his dad - holding a loaded weapon a few feet to my left.
I felt a twinge whenever I had my back to anyone - just like an instinctive raising of the hairs on my neck - and when I retreated to the car for my sunscreen I wanted to walk backwards so I could face everyone....

it was SO LOUD...... no wonder we got ear plugs at the gun shop....
I squeezed the earplugs into my ears (ah, silence)

I shot 2 semi-automatic pistols, an AK47 (my shoulder was in pain the next morning) and then a rifle with a scope on it....
I took that rifle, sat down at the table, and tore up the target :)
(it was easy with the scope - without it I only got half to hit the target and only 1 bullseye)
zz-top looked impressed (zz-top was the name we gave to the white bearded old man who was the range officer in that section).
zz-top later kicked us out.....
my friend (who'd been to this range many times before) had failed to tell us of the rules..... when you don't know the rules and have never handled a gun before, it's easy to break them....
like, someone let their gun barrel slip off to the side while reloading.... a big no-no....
got it....
then mr. lost had his gun pointed down at one point - again, big no-no.
ok - won't do that...
but after a few of these, zz-top decided he'd had enough and told us to leave.
I can see his point....
people get jumpy when there are loaded guns around.....

I don't think I'll be coming back...... these people freak me out.....
there was a guy with a string of bullets (like Rambo had across his chest?) feeding into a huge gun on a tripod thing, just TEARING up the crap in the field..... there was a guy with a huge shotgun that was literally deafening (my ears were ringing when I accidentally had my ear stopper out for a second)...
while I can appreciate the skill portion, the aiming at a target portion, I don't see their need for bigger and badder guns....
even my friend - he was so impressed by the SIZE of the bullets for his biggest gun and how it literally threw you back when you shot it..... um.... I don't see the appeal in that.....
I wish he would've taken a few minutes to go over the rules of the range instead of showing off his big bad gun, but whatever.....
I want to do some target practice - I want one of those indoor ranges where you attach your target and it swooshes away from you and then you shoot - and then it swooshes back to show you what you've hit....
I don't need no big guns and zz-top men and stuffed animals eyeing me with their sad glass eyes...
I want a sterile shooting environment.....

get home from work.
pour glass of water.
drink half - go to change in the bedroom.
observe stomache, backside in mirror.
flex arms.
note the positives - ab definition coming through, thigh muscles visible when flexed, collar bone and ribs protruding.
note the negatives - bit of, is that cellulite??where? when I go like this.... I think that's cellulite...damn, squish remaining stomache flab with fingers, make face.... how is this possible? bones protruding in certain areas and flab in certain areas.... wtf is wrong with my body?
change into workout clothes.
walk through kitchen don't eat anything... don't you even think about eating yet....
stretch in front of tv.
turn on menu and scroll down to 'Incredible Abs' with Cindy.... Cindy DOES have incredible abs, doesn't she?
Cindy's abs look like a man's abs.... yeah, they ARE a bit much....
strap on 5 pounds of weights onto each ankle....
commence 24 minutes of ab work.....
face other direction - Cindy's not really necessary anymore, just need to hear her.
curse at Cindy.....
finish with bicycle crunches writhing around on the floor.
hey - look at how sweaty I've gotten!
drink other half of water.
go back to the menu - depending on the day - choose either 'Arms of Envy' or 'Buns of Envy'
what are these girls, like 12??
the girls look 12 - they're wearing skimpy outfits and they're out on a beach....
oh who cares? they look good though.... just do it
20 minutes with the girls who look 12.
more sweat.
they're not even telling you what the proper form is....
decide that the 'Envy' workouts are kinda stupid, but do them anyway.
if energy permits, pick one or two 10 minute routines 'targeting female trouble spots'....
done.
feel great.
grab iPod and flip the TV to Game Show Network....
the best shows for the next portion are either gameshows or poker.....
turn on captions.
take off 5 pound ankle weights and get on the treadmill.
sensory depravation feels dizzying - reading captions, listening to iPod and running/walking.
skip through songs on iPod and look for the club-y euro-y stuff downloaded for working out.
alternate - run one song, walk one song.
you have to do at least 30 minutes..... at least......
keep increasing incline during walk/speed during run.
watch the timer...
come on - you have to do AT LEAST 30 - don't even bother looking until it gets to 30
watch game show...
Argentina! ....

wicker! ....

don't call! fold!!

check timer on treadmill...
hey look at that - 34 minutes already....
yell at self in head and convince self to do one more walking song and one more running song....
seriously, that's like 10 minutes..... you can totally do 10 minutes.....
dream of protein shake.....
bargain with self, using both realistic goals:
if you do this for one month - one month at least - that last bit of flab will be gone! the end of this summer, you'll be 29 (that's almost 30 you know).... do you want another year to pass with a flabby tummy?
to the completely out-there:
if you don't run for one more song.... er... an earthquake will hit and destroy the whole world!!
sometimes this works, sometimes this doesn't.....
who CARES about a bit of flab? everybody says you're thin anyways!! you can just stop now - you've done enough
who cares?? YOU do...you want to hide on the beach or just enjoy yourself? shut up and run!
why don't you just learn to enjoy yourself as you are?
why don't you just shut up and run??
you've been working out for years now.... that last bit is never coming off you know.....

finally, completely red faced, cool down on treadmill....
turn off treadmill and make a double protein shake - 2 scoops, 2 cups of milk.....
mmmmmmm.....
it's like ice-cream......
kinda......
and stop thinking about ice-cream for the love of god!

I drank moooore...

that pretty much sums up the baby shower.....
people arrived EARLY - seriously - who arrives 20 minutes early?? I know I can be annoying with my tardiness, but even my ever-on-time sister-in-law was still helping put up decorations when people started streaming in.....
so with the help of my sister and sis-in-law - we put up decorations, placed hot and cold hors d'oeuvres on pretty plates and set out beverages..... this included 3 jumbo bottles of vino - white, red and pink..... and I realize now, I should really stick to beer.... I am a big fan of beer and I think that it agrees with me better than wine... I mean, I like wine, but I think I have a problem with it.....
so about halfway through this afternoon party, I started drinking wine spritzers (i've got this grapefruit flavored soda water that goes really well with sweeter wines)... most of the women stuck to juice since they drove, or had to go home to their kids, or came with their kids.... the problem was, we were using these colorful plastic cups and so my spritzer's were kinda gigantic.
People started leaving at around 4 (early to come, early to leave) and my family helped clean up and then they left, leaving me alone with half a giant bottle each of the pink & white wines...... I thought to myself, I'll have another spritzer before I finish cleaning (see, I have a germ issue, and the thought of 28 or so people walking around barefoot on my floors and also using the bathroom was kinda freaking me out - I needed to run a mop around and take some windex to all the surfaces in the bathroom).
I turned on a Blackadder dvd and munched on some leftover creampuffs and enjoyed my wine... kinda putzin' around the house... putting stuff away, throwing away boxes...... I took some pictures of the new paintjob, etc...... I was having a grand old time, polishing off the wine(s)......
the next thing I know - I'm waking up alone in bed and it's 12:30am...... my contacts are in, my clothes are on, my makeup is on.....
what the...???? what day is it?? oh shit - I have to go to work - it's gonna be Monday..... crap....
I look for Mr. Lost and find him on the computer..... he informs me that he came home around 10:30 to find me asleep on the floor.... and that I had gotten up and went to bed at that point.....
oops.....
he had been on the phone with our friend tom and he was telling him how tired I must be - that I had fallen asleep on the living room rug and tom was saying "yeah, right.... tired...... she's probably drunk!"
he knew me first and he knew me well.....
but hey - that's one cure for my germ fear - I had no problem relaxing on the living room floor apparently....

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speaking of germs - travelling is a good way for me to get over that as well..... the first thing I remember from many trips is the airport bathroom..... you land in a humid hot and sticky place, usually wearing clothes that are meant for colder weather and the first stop is the airport bathroom where I wash my face, change my shirt, use the toilet, etc. and already, I've got to get over the fear of touching surfaces and using public toilets.... it's like a crash course..... you have no choice but to deal with it and sure enough, after an initial feeling of "iiiiicccckkkky!!" I make do and realize that absolutely nothing will happen if the legs of my jeans touch the public restroom floor.... and on any trip, you're bound to be faced with many facilities that aren't ideal..... and you sleep on a pillow that multitudes have drooled on before you.... and you shower in a shower that hundreds of people have rinsed in..... and you realize that there are many worse problems in the world than sleeping in a bed of questionable cleanliness and you realize how spoiled you really are......

or maybe that's just me......

and speaking of foreign toilets - i'm always amazed at the variety of toilets in the world - I mean, there are some that have a push button flush, some have a pull lever flush, some have a rope that you pull from the tank overhead, some have a pedal that you press on the side..... it's always a game of 'what the hell do I do??' when you to a foreign toilet..... some places you pay to use it, some places you only pay for the toilet paper, some places don't have toilet paper.....

but then again, I find adventure in the strangest of things..... that, and I'm rather easily amused...... which brings me right back to being home alone with a giant bottle of wine :) doesn't really take much to keep me occupied....

I went.... I saw...... I dove...... St. Lucia came off without a hitch and it's a really lovely place......
being in the sun, sand and saltwater is something I find a necessity - it recharges me...... I crave it a few times a year..... and this is from someone who shunned the beach for many many years......
I did 2 dives...... no problem :)
One was a wreck - really cool - and it was shallow at 70 ft - great intro to wrecks since they can look kinda freaky and daunting.

but I've been back a week and it all seems like a dream already......
and i can't help but feel a bit underwhelmed by the whole thing.... it went by so fast I feel like we never left......
at least I've got a tan to show for it....... oh well.....

I'm in the midst of having my place painted........ we finally decided to just hire someone to do it because Mr. Lost - while able and willing - just doesn't have the time or commitment to do it. It would've taken us weeks to complete..... if you hire someone, 2 days of messiness (and my god, is there a lot of mess, I was totally unprepared for the amount of dust and dropcloths and footprints) and then it's be done.
They've only done 2 of the 4 rooms - and already, I feel like we've got a whole new condo now - it's amazing what a coat of paint can do.
But then again, I'm not very good at picking paint colors..... I had aimed for two similar colors for our bedroom and bathroom...... the two colors were a taup-y brown and a browny-taupe type deals..... I now have a bedroom and bathroom that look exactly the same..... so much for subtle differences.
If you sort of stand half in the bathroom and half in the bedroom and swing back and forth between the rooms, they ARE a bit different.....
ah well.....

none of that is very interesting.... but it's all I've got.....

I'm happy that Obama got the nomination.... I'm very pro-Obama..... but then again, i base my like and dislike of candidates based on gut feeling..... and my gut gives Obama a 'yay.'
(there's a campaign slogan for ya...)
I wanted to like Clinton, I did..... but something just didn't sit right. my gut gave Clinton a 'nay.'
But then again, I do that to most people I come in contact with - I need about half an hour or less even, to get a gut feeling about someone and I'm 99% right on.... I've met people whom everyone in my social circle raved about and I thought - nope - and sure enough, the same people who were raving were complaining a few months later..... and vice versa.....
so there's my scientific character study methods.... revealed.....
well anyway, mr. lost shook Obama's hand one time, when he was running for senator (a few weeks ago ;) it seems) so he's like our friend or something......
that's right......

I had heard that Eddie Izzard does a meet & greet after his shows - signs some autographs, takes a picture or two, etc. All one has to do is wait around after his show for a while and he emerges.....
I did not have tickets to his Thursday night show... I had tickets to his Friday night show... but Thursday, I started toying with the idea of going down and trying to get a picture and also, to give him a little gift..... people have made T-shirts for the Moz so I had made one for Eddie..... furthermore, I knew that my brother and Mr. Lost would not want to wait around to catch a glimpse of the man when we all went to the Friday night show so I thought, what better time to get to meet him than Thursday night, after the show?
I packed my "stalker" bag - camera, 2 different Eddie DVD's, sharpie marker, gun, flashlight, the T-Shirt I made..... you know, the usual ;)
I drove downtown listening to Boyracer full blast......
Well, i found a group of people waiting and joined them..... I large security guard came out a few times and counted us..... then Eddie emerged - but unfortunately, he didn't do any personalized signatures or pictures, instead, he did a Q&A with everyone all together and that was it.... I of course, could not think of a single thing to ask, so I just stood there smiling like an idiot..... and also, i was too shy to give him my t-shirt in front of everyone, so whatever. I did get a picture...
and Friday night's show was 'the dog's bollocks' so all in all, a good time despite my complete failure as a stalker......
The T-shirt will get tossed onstage in San Francisco.... that's the best I can do...... maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't....

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speaking of purse contents..... there was a distinct moment when I realized I carry a really freaking wierd collection of crap in my purse.... and that moment was when I went to the courthouse to collect my little brother's driver's license for him...... I had to pass through the metal detector and then I had to open my purse..... the officer looked very confused....... I had all the normal stuff, wallet, keys, lipstick, hairclips - but then I also had wood glue...... (I had bought it to fix a crack in my dining room table but then decided that I don't know how to fix a crack in a table and I'll just make it worse, so I had meant to go back to the store and return the wood glue - so I kept it in my purse for about a month and then just threw it out) and duct tape.... he didn't want to let me through with the wood glue - apparently it can be used to make a bomb or something.....
then recently, I've noticed myself getting nervous going to the grocery store because I always have an apple + 1 other fruit in my purse..... one day, they will claim I've stolen the fruit..... so before I enter the grocery store, I have to make sure my purse is fruit-free...... I must de-fruit my purse.....
I just took a peek now and I have a cpr mouth kit in there..... an apple.... a plastic ziplock bag (empty)... a ticket stub and a packet of green tea.....
I'm such a pack rat......

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tomorrow's the big day for our Moz and I won't be around to post birthday wishes so, to Morrissey - may your birthday be happy and may this year bring you much joy, peace and success!! Happy.... er,what is it now? 49? :)

I went out and bought myself a squeaky new pair of flip-flops (they're so nice when they're new - so puffy, so full, so clean). I also went out and got myself a cheapy watch.... but it's an ADVENTURE watch - it's all black with a thick canvas velcro strap and it can go underwater down to 50 meters, which will come in handy because I've booked a trip.... st. lucia, here we come.....
I wanted to find a place where we can dive again because I've realized that since our last diving trip (which was coincidentally our first diving trip) I think I have post traumatic stress disorder..... seriously....... full description of events can be read in old entry - but basically, i went too deep...... i knew I wasn't ready to go that deep, but no one really stops you and it was supposed to be a really easy dive, but let's just say I experienced nitrogen narcosis and it freaked the shit out of me...... so that now, when I think about it, I panic..... I can completely go back to that place and time and I can feel exactly how I felt.... I can get into a physical state that feels almost like what it felt like..... and I start imagining what *could've* happened had I lost consciousness or if someone knocked my regulator out of my mouth (I probably wouldn't have been able to follow emegency procedures in that state), etc. etc.
I start imagining how deep that was...... how much deeper that hole went...... how much heavy water was above me....... how, the deeper you are, the easier you sink, and there was nothing under me... I can see myself in the deep dark water with only a hose and mouthpiece providing air and the environment around, well, you might as well be lost in space..... i think that was part of the problem - you see, I'm kinda claustrophobic, and darkness makes it feel more constricting.... that same depth in the big blue would probably be nothing, but add darkness and you've got panic.....
the fact that I left Mr. Lost and just took off - I panicked..... I feel disappointed in myself.
I can get my mind into this weird mode and if I do that, I feel like I won't go diving ever again. and apart from that one incident, it was really amazing...... so I have to push myself and i have to go again..... but this time, I'm going to wear more than just a swimsuit and I'm not going to go that deep for a long long time......
it probably sounds like nothing, but it was quite something to me....

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My brother's wife is pregnant and I have (stupidly) offered to have the baby shower at my place...... I thought it would be nice...... plus I have the space for it...... but now I'm regretting it. 20-some odd ladies of all ages on a Sunday afternoon (many bringing their kids with them because apparently, their husbands aren't keen on watching their own offspring, even for a few hours - or so I'm told) is not exactly a cracking ole time...... but what can I do?
I'm awful at these types of things..... I never know what to do, say, what to serve...... especially when I realized that I won't know many of these people since they're friends of the sister-in-law.....
I had high hopes - in my mind, I thought I'd put on a pretty dress and set out hors d'oeuvres with red manicured nails while sipping on a mimosa from a delicate champagne flute......

I don't have champagne flutes.....

or a pretty dress.......

I can manage the nails though...... that's definitely doable...... they're red about half of the time anyways......

so poker...... pretty fun......
I've watched Hold 'Em poker on tv and thought it was interesting and then it's been sprouting up everywhere in the last few years..... this past Friday, I decided I would actually sit down and play..... Mr. Lost printed out 2 sheets for me - describing what hands mean what - from the strongest to the weakest - and I was ready to go..... and then one of the guys pointed out that they'd know what I had based on which page of my printout I was looking at.....
I re-wrote all the hands on the back and then I also wrote down the chip colors and what they meant.....
It was actually a lot of fun.... I was holding my own and then I lost it all - but I lost with a decent hand, so you can't feel too bad there..... i made a good call but i just wasn't good enough.
In the second game of the night - guess who stole everyone's chips? yup.... me.....
except the reason I won was that one of the eliminated guys was the dealer..... and he sat next to me (re-filling my quickly empty wine glass every so often)..... well, the dealer was letting me know which hands I should play and which hands I should lay down.....
let me tell you - it's SO much easier to play when you know you have a strong hand......
I DID feel guilty though, but whatever..... we weren't playing for money or anything so it's not like it mattered.... plus, I never asked for his help, he just took it upon himself to make a little nod or a small shake of his head.....

I wanna see how good I do on my own next time.....

and again with the wine..... as I mentioned, my *cup runneth over* as it were, since I was well taken care of in the refill department, but why do I feel guilty for drinking? the next day, I awoke in a small panic, first of all, because I was sure everyone knew I had been cheating and second, because I easily consumed double the alcohol that everyone else had consumed...... did they even notice?
I had to be reassured that I didn't say anything inappropriate or act stupid and only then did I start to let the previous evening slowly wear off......
i mean, I've known these people for years so no matter WHAT I could've said or done, they wouldn't judge, yet I still worry......

so there's my confession - I cheated at cards this weekend......
there....
I feel better. you can take the girl out of the pew.......

on to hybrid cars......
here's my beef....... DISCLAIMER**** I know not of what I speak - these are just the opinions of the most dangerous kind of person, the kind that knows a little about a lot of things but doesn't really know a whole lot******* but here's what I think.....
I like the idea that everyone's jumping on this hybrid car bandwagon - that's great. I like the idea that maybe, just maybe, Americans are giving up their love affair with the huge fuck off SUV's of the world..... that's great as well.
HOWEVER, a hybrid car still uses gas and still polutes and is not that much better than a regular gas car. For example, my car (a Toyota Corolla) gets roughly 37-38 mpg on the highway..... The hybrid toyota prius gets around 56 mpg on the highway - so 20 miles more per gallon. Sure - that's better. However, you still need to use gas, you have to drive differently than you normally do to see the increase. My friends have a hybrid car and they say they don't get a huge increase in gas mileage unless they drive slow, don't accelerate too quickly, etc. basically, performance goes down to get the gas mileage.
meanwhile, hydrogen cars are looking to be THE answer...... they don't use ANY gasoline, (do they use oil?? I don't even know), their only exhaust is water, their performance is even better than a gas car and their fuel (hydrogen) is readily available and abundant.... and hydrogen uses up no resources to make(like ethanol does).
The problem? they can't sell hydrogen cars until there are hydrogen stations and they can't build the stations until there are enough cars to warrant them..... a catch 22......
so my thing is this - instead of focusing time, effort and resources producing hybrid cars, we should really be producing hydrogen cars.....
but how??
so here's my political dilemma of the week that's been rattling around in my brain......
I think Norway is building some hydrogen stations.... and California too.....
is there something I'm missing about hydrogen cars? why aren't they being produced already?
like I said - I don't really know what I'm talking about here and I'm willing to learn if there's something I'm missing..... but i just think, if they could start getting the cars out there and start with just a few stations around the metro areas, maybe people would start buying these cars. for me, 100% of my driving is within 30 miles...... i never use my car for roadtrips - we rent a car for those rare occasions.....

I dunno......
and i'm not saying all of this because of the gas prices going up because personally, I don't think the price of gas is very high, it's just that it rose so quickly. It has more than tripled in the last 6 years - so I'm not crying about the price being high per se, it's the rate at which it went up which is causing a lot of hurt to people - especially people who were confident in buying their huge fuck off SUV and living 30 miles away from their work..... so yeah, gas prices is one thing, but more importantly, the environment..... i mean, the shift in the air quality from everyone switching to hydrogen would be awesome (in the true sense of the word).....