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Monday November 24, 08
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05:12 PM - Regrets, i've had a few, but then again, too many to mention
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I just got a txt from my sister, lee tried to add her on facebook. She wasn't sure if it was actually him so i went on to check. Seeing him again, it was so, so, well i really don't know how to describe it.
I looked at a couple of his pictures and he's had a baby, i felt happy for him, he was always putting pressure on me, making me feel guilty for not wanting one coz no one in his family had, had a kid past 25 so his biological clock was ticking.
At the same time though i have to admit i felt..... jelous when i saw them, that another girl had his child, not because i wanted to, well, i guess part of me did, but because i know that he's never leave her now, he's bound to her forever in a way i so desperatly wanted him to be bound to me back then.
As i looked at the pictures i realised i was getting a flash of the life i could of had, was going to have. There was never any question. We were gonna be together, move in together and get married at some point and raise a child just like he always wanted, i had no dreams, all i wanted was him and nothing else mattered enough to make me question where my life was going.
The worst thing is i would of been happy. I didn't know any better, i didn't know about uni and real jobs and being able to afford what i need. These things were for other people, they didn't exist in my life and ofcourse nothing existed outside london anyway so i could never leave. So i would of lived it, signing on to get food, child benefits, i probebly wouldn't of worked a day in my life and never even thought about it. Spent my days with him and our baby, being the dutiful wife he always wanted and having a huge family to support me whenever needed. His family where there for their own whenever and whatever happened and i could of been part of that, secure and safe.
Looking back at it now, from where i am, as who i am now, the whole time, the person i was, the two years that i spent with him, they seem like a distant dream, like they never really happened and now i'm feeling echoes of the intense emotions that were all i felt then.
If i think about that life now, i wouldn't even consider it, i would never be able to have a life like that. I have dreams and ambitions, i'm actually gonna DO somthing with my life and at the end i'm gonna know i didn't waste it.
If i met him now, i wouldn't give him a second look, talking to him for more then even 5 minutes would irritate me, i could never imagine him taking my whole heart the way he did.
Morrissey was the one who clawed it back from him, he made me fall in love again without even realising it and before i knew it, just listening to him sing meant more then seeing lee ever could.
Look at me now, i have my own flat which i pay for myself, i have a great job which i do well and i'm out of the place that was killing me which i also did alone. I used to think i could never survive on my own, that i couldn't do anything by myself but look at the now.
I have no regrets.
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