I just watched this documentry about a school for kids with behavioural and emotional difficulties and i recognised so much of what the kids were saying. They didn't interview them or anything, it was just filming everyday-type things so you got to hear the truth.
It made me really think about the double standards society has for children.
When i was their age i could of really used the type of support they were getting. I mean i had no friends, no one in my year liked me because i was so different and had no real idea how to interact with other children. I got quite quickly that i was female and was therefore meant to act like a 'girl' but i had no idea what that meant and it confused me, i felt really insecure and akward about it but instead of acting out i withdrew into myself.
I thought of acting out somtimes, i saw the way the teachers noticed those kids that did, and when they did somthing well the teachers were always really pleased and gave them loads of praise and everything.
They didn't even know i was there most of the time, i remember when i was like 5 or 6 years old i'd make myself cry as only young children can just so get noticed. I'd tell them it was about my mum dying, that meant even less to me then, then it does now but it was somthing i knew that would make them stay with me for a bit.
When supply teachers came i actually used to go over and tell them i had a sore throat or somthing so i wouldn't be talking much, i dunno what i thought it would of accomplished but i did it every time i met somone knew They wouldn't of noticed anyway, i know that now.
Why would they? sort out the kids who are acting out, they need the help or dicipline or whatever you wanna call it, who's gonna notice somone quitly sitting in the corner?
I'm not saying the ones who are acting out don't somtimes need help, i'm just saying that most of the time it's attention-seeking behaviour which the teachers are catering for by pandering to it all the time. If anything the kid that's running about and screaming is, to me looking more 'normal' then a kid at that age sitting quietly in a corner by choice. If i saw a 6/7/8 year old choosing to read a book at playtime instead of running around and playing i'd immediatly wonder what's up but they didn't, i'd say they just let me get on with it but the truth is they didn't even notice.
If we ignore all the other factors, high-crime area, living on council estates, mixing with wrong people, ect i'm willing to bet almost certainly that those kids will now have better mental health then me but what did i get?
It just makes me think how different my life could of been if i had 'shown signs' as they call it and taken my frustrations out on everyone else instead of inside myself but i was always so scared, i saw these other kids doing it and all i thought was i'd never get away with that, people would of hated me if i'd done that. That's why i've kept my depression and self-harm a secret from so many people, the only people who know how bad it is are Jon (hard to keep self-harm from somone who sees you naked) Siobhan and Frankie but even with them it's only the self-harm they know about. Whenever i have an episode i'll NEVER call them or even let them know it happen if i can avoid it. I trust them completely but i know, well i say i know but i KNOW that they'll leave me because i'm not worth the effort, the effort no one's ever taken over me.