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Monday May 07, 07
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09:45 AM - I think i figured somthing out
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I got with Raph for the wrong reasons i know, but what was really bothering me? i thought it was that we were just too dierent but maybe that wasn't it, when i touched him, when i heard his voice i didn't feel somthing i've always felt before. It's like........ i dunno like electricity or somthing and i havn't felt it with almost any of the people i've been with since i got here. James ofcourse, liam to an extent, oly a little and Scott i felt it for, everyone else was just...... i dunno, i just didn't feel it.
With John i thought i was just being carful, stopping myself from feeling too much so it didn't hurt when he left me, then i thought i was just stopping myself for no reason i could think of, now i've got to say i've run out of excuses.
John and Raph are so alike, they're like different sides of the same coin. I thought that's what i wanted but i forgot about the other parts to their personality.
They're both so.... not small in size but.... they need to be looked after, when i hold John i don't feel warm and content i feel as if i want to protect him from everything, i want to stop anything bad from happening to him, it was the same with Raph. When Scott stayed round that night i did feel safe and protected but more importantly i felt equal, we were holding each other, protecting each other as equals, that's what i've always wanted from a relationship.
Me and John go through this constant shift where one minute he's sitting on my lap with his arms around me like a little child and the next he's patronising me coz he's allready got a philosophy degree so i'll come up with somthing during an argument and he'll go "clever girl, now do you know what you said there?" why can't we just stay on the same level?
I met this mate of Jillian's the other day, really sweet guy, instantly made me wish i was single and i just thought but why? what is it about him that's different from John? and that was it, he treated me as his equal and he felt like mine as well as all the other things i go for in a guy. I'm not saying i want to be with him at all, i only met him once for like half hour but it has opened my eyes to the reason i've made the same mistake twice.
I hate what this means. It means i gotta break up with somone again but i guess atleast i know what to look for now so i don't do it a third time.
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