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Wednesday November 08, 06
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07:43 AM - One down, 4 to go
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I handed in my essay today, it's littered with quotes so i just hope when the instructions said "avoid lengthy quotations" they ment avoid long quotes. Still, atleast i can forget about it now. Now i just gotta do 2 for history, 1 more for classics and 1 for philosophy.
Been taking the pills for almost a week now, no difference yet except for an annoying naucious feeling and i wanna eat more (which is irritating at the same time) and the sleeping tablets have done nothing for my sleep but have made me very drousey throughout the day, which is nice.
Last, i talked to James yesterday and the conversation i'd been dreading came up, what was gonna happen with us now.
For some reason i asked him if he's been with anyone since me and he said of course not coz he had too much work. He asked me the same and, well i wasn't gonna lie to him so i said not seriously, he asked what that meant and i told him just kissing and stuff which is true but what i didn't tell him is that i would of done more if they'd been different guys. There have been 3 since him, the first was liam and well, we all saw how that turned out but i havn't talked about the others because, well, i'm kind of embarrissed about them. One was called owen who decided to tell me when we were in bed together that he'd only ever kissed a girl before, and the last was will,
who hadn't even done that(though of course he decided to tell me that after he'd undressed me) I really couldn't justify doing anything with them, their first time shouldn't be a one night stand you know? and even if it was they should atleast REMEMBER it.
James got angry, he tried to pretend he wasn't but i knew he was. I said i was gonna be honest with him and i was looking for somone else because i'm just so lonely but he said "and i'm not?" and he'd seen his ex earlier that day and she was in a relationship so i know this just made him feel worse.
I told him how i really wish we could of been together but i guess it was a bit late by then, why would he want to stay in touch with me if i wanted somone else? god i want to be with him so much but somone who lives 300 miles away can't keep me warm at night, can't keep me safe from the bad things. What can i do? he'd asked me that so many times when i've txted him about how much i miss him, what can i do? well what can I do? i can't just sit here all alone for 3 fucking years because he couldn't stay here. I need to be with somone, i need to find somone but i don't even know where to look anymore.
I asked him if we could still talk if one of us got with somone and he said yes but i don't know, i'm not sure what kind of a strain it will put on us.
I knew him for like a few days for fuck's sake! how can we feel this strongly for each other after a few days?
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