|
Sunday January 01, 06
|
|
01:12 PM - I cut myself.
|
|
I didn't mean to, it was an accident oh fuck this. I knew exactly what i was doing and i have no excuse.
I was at Patrick's house for new year with his mates. Me and upper class twat were bitching at each other like usual but i said some things that looking back now were kinda out of line. I apologised almost straight afterwards but i think it ment more then he was letting on. Later, i can't remember what he asked me but i said i always get cheated on and he asked why and kept pushing it so i hit him, i do this alot so it wasn't out of the ordinary or anything, plus i was quite drunk. For some reason thinking about all of that stuff made me so angry and although i was really angry at him for making me think those things i can't express anger in any way but towards myself. Useually i'll scratch myself or hit a wall, anything to hurt myself and that makes me feel better but, probebly because i was drunk i didn't think of any of those things. I went into another room and burst into tears, Kel, a girl who i talk to alot came in and asked me what was wrong, i couldn't explain and even if i could i didn't want to. She tried to help but she was drunk to so there was a limit to what she could do. Then Patrick came in and gave me cuddles, i'm not sure if he realised how upset i was but he made me feel ok enough to fool everyone else. I don't know why considering i was feeling a bit better but as soon as he left i locked myself in the toilet and got out my keys. I have some of those scissors that fold up on them so i unfolded them and dug them into my arm. They didn't cut straight away so i did it again and again, i'm not sure if i wanted to do it or not all i know is that i couldn't stop. After about 3 times this huge gash just appeared, there wasn't any blood so i figured i hadn't cut deep enough, i breathed a sigh of relief. Then it started coming, slowly at first and then faster and faster i quickly unlocked the door and ran over to the sink and ran the cold water over it but it wouldn't stop bleeding. In my drunken state this terrified me, not because i thought i would bleed to death but because Patrick may find out what i'd done. I don't know how long i'd been in there but Simon came in and saw me, at first him being drunk to he thought it had been an accident and asked me how i'd done it, i just looked at him "you didn't cut yourself?" what could i say? he told me he was going to get Patrick but i grabbed him and begged him through my tears not to tell him, he hugged me and told me he wouldn't but we needed a plaster so he would go get one. I just kept saying "please please don't tell Pat please". When he came back he said he told Pat it was him that needed one and he put it on my arm and hugged me and told me not to do it again. I'm so thankful to him for what he did for me and i'm praying with all my heart that Pat never finds out.
After i'd got myself together we all went to a pub to see in the new year, i kissed Patrick on midnight and tried desperatly not to think about what had happened just 20 minutes earlier, he seemed completely clueless and so happy which made me feel so happy because here's a guy who actually wants to be with me, there's no feeling like that.
I have a dull itch and a slight stiffness in my arm to remind me of what i did now, i know i'll have to take the plaster off at some point but i'm not sure if i can face looking at it with sober eyes. I threw the scissors away on my way home so i wont be tempted again but i don't know if i've now opened a weakness within me that i wont be able to close.
|
|
Reading that scared me
I just hope you tell someone near you that can really help.