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Tuesday September 02, 08
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12:55 PM - I never thought about it before
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I just watched this documentry about a school for kids with behavioural and emotional difficulties and i recognised so much of what the kids were saying. They didn't interview them or anything, it was just filming everyday-type things so you got to hear the truth.
It made me really think about the double standards society has for children.
When i was their age i could of really used the type of support they were getting. I mean i had no friends, no one in my year liked me because i was so different and had no real idea how to interact with other children. I got quite quickly that i was female and was therefore meant to act like a 'girl' but i had no idea what that meant and it confused me, i felt really insecure and akward about it but instead of acting out i withdrew into myself.
I thought of acting out somtimes, i saw the way the teachers noticed those kids that did, and when they did somthing well the teachers were always really pleased and gave them loads of praise and everything.
They didn't even know i was there most of the time, i remember when i was like 5 or 6 years old i'd make myself cry as only young children can just so get noticed. I'd tell them it was about my mum dying, that meant even less to me then, then it does now but it was somthing i knew that would make them stay with me for a bit.
When supply teachers came i actually used to go over and tell them i had a sore throat or somthing so i wouldn't be talking much, i dunno what i thought it would of accomplished but i did it every time i met somone knew They wouldn't of noticed anyway, i know that now.
Why would they? sort out the kids who are acting out, they need the help or dicipline or whatever you wanna call it, who's gonna notice somone quitly sitting in the corner?
I'm not saying the ones who are acting out don't somtimes need help, i'm just saying that most of the time it's attention-seeking behaviour which the teachers are catering for by pandering to it all the time. If anything the kid that's running about and screaming is, to me looking more 'normal' then a kid at that age sitting quietly in a corner by choice. If i saw a 6/7/8 year old choosing to read a book at playtime instead of running around and playing i'd immediatly wonder what's up but they didn't, i'd say they just let me get on with it but the truth is they didn't even notice.
If we ignore all the other factors, high-crime area, living on council estates, mixing with wrong people, ect i'm willing to bet almost certainly that those kids will now have better mental health then me but what did i get?
It just makes me think how different my life could of been if i had 'shown signs' as they call it and taken my frustrations out on everyone else instead of inside myself but i was always so scared, i saw these other kids doing it and all i thought was i'd never get away with that, people would of hated me if i'd done that. That's why i've kept my depression and self-harm a secret from so many people, the only people who know how bad it is are Jon (hard to keep self-harm from somone who sees you naked) Siobhan and Frankie but even with them it's only the self-harm they know about. Whenever i have an episode i'll NEVER call them or even let them know it happen if i can avoid it. I trust them completely but i know, well i say i know but i KNOW that they'll leave me because i'm not worth the effort, the effort no one's ever taken over me.
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Tuesday August 19, 08
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11:34 AM - How do I feel? I've been here before, I've felt this
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Retreat to a place, a place within me
I need this. Keep it all down, bottled inside
It breaks me to torment again and
Torture me like it used to"
Change- Staind
It's true what's been said, good things have happened, lots of them but still i'm laying here feeling the same pain that i've felt for years, still thinking about it.
In the morning meeting at work i thought about running out the door, and to just keep running. But why? the job's good, i'm good at it (which isn't somthing that's easy for me to say) and still i thought it.
I'm still thinking about that stanley knife i left in halls, i know it was definatly for the best but the itch is there, it's been so long.....
I can't carry on like this, i'm gonna talk about happy things, maybe it'll make me feel better.
I spent the weekend in Wales with Jon at Gwyl Pontardawe Festival (little Welsh Folk festival) where it rained, ALOT. When we were pitching the tent it was still reletivly sunny, we were even able to make food before it started pissing down, and i'm talking fucking SHEETS of rain. So we decided to stay in and drink, then more drink, then Jon went bed coz he had too much drink and i stayed up talking to his mates. One of them, Paddy, i got an interesting vibe from. He'd mentioned revenge quite a few times throughout the day, talking about how great it was and that and earlier on, after i'd had a few i lost pretty much all my tact and asked him who he was really trying to hurt. When somone's that into the revenge idea they're so obviously just sub-consiously trying to get back at somone who they never got a chance to at the time, he shut up after that. A bit later Jon and his mate started talking in Welsh so me and Paddy did a sort of mock-offended storm out coz we couldn't understand them and i used the oppertunity to talk some more to him, i got pretty quickly that he couldn't talk about what actually happened but that was ok coz i wanted him to focas on getting over it anyway, i think i made him see there was a way out.
Jon always gets really loved-up when he's drunk (which is nice) and kept saying how great it was that i was there and how much he was enjoying us just sitting there enjoying the music.
The next day we woke up and kicked his mates out for a little 'tent time' of our own and then spend most of the day at his dad's house to hide from the rain, came back to find our tent COMPLETELY flooded, which was nice. Luckily Jon volunteers with the st. johns ambulance (charaty-run ambulance service) and they had this bunker-type thing which they let us sleep in, it had a radiator :)
We had to wait untill 3am when they finished their shifts to get in though so we had a few more drinks and watched music all night, he kepy trying to get me to dance, now i am really NOT a dancer but he kept looking at this couple slow-dancing with their arms around each other so i gave in, to tell you the truth it was kinda nice.
The last day we pretty much gave up on the festival and packed up, the tent was a swimming pool and all the food was wet so we headed back to his dad's for a really good roast lunch.
Spent the day going round to see all the people he doesn't get to see now he's moved and he would not stop apologising for it! like i'm gonna begrudge him seeing his family, come on, i mean yeah it would of been nice to have some more alone time with him but he really misses Wales and i understand that, i fucking miss the place when i'm not there and i never lived there!
I know he's gonna move back there at some point and i'm kinda thinking of going with him, not WITH him i mean, just going to live there two. It's just such a beautiful place, i want to wake up and see it out my window everyday
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Friday August 08, 08
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10:35 AM - I'm so fucked.
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The other week i acidentally locked myself out and had to call a locksmith, it cost £65 and i used a cheaque coz i had no other way to pay. I have a cheaque guarantee card on that account which means even if i got no money in the account money can still come out, it just charges for it. Unfortunatly i've had to do that a few times now and he's just sent me a letter saying the cheaque hasn't cleared. I don't have anything to give him, i barely have anything left for the rest of this month.
I'm so sick of all this stress. My sister's out there, didn't even bother finishing her a-levels and she's earning more then i could ever dream and wasting it all on drink and drugs while i actually tried to get a degree, have ended up in so much debt i can't even see daylight and will be lucky if i don't end up in court this time. Where's the logic in this? where's the justice?
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Friday August 01, 08
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11:56 AM - To be finished would be a releif.
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Havn't had the best time, had an argument with somone from work last night, completly drink-fuelled of course. I said somthing in the wrong way and it upset him which was bad enough but he didn't let me apologise or explain what i meant. He just jumped down my throat and started ripping me apart. It hurt coz i used to think it was him i was getting on the best with. He started on with all this crap about how in a few years i'll know he's right which always frustrates me, this idea that knowledge comes with age, if that was true the queen would know fucking EVERYTHING! i'd be suprised if she could even tie her own shoe lace. Knowledge comes from experience and i except the point that experience comes with age but they are not fucking interchangable. You live longer, you do more stuff, that's it. So that was upsetting, he said no hard feelings when he left but i noticed he didn't apologise.
I carried on drinking, he put me in a really bad mindframe and i ran into Jay which wasn't the best thing to bring my night up. Ended up trying desperatly through drunken sluring to explain everything that had been going on at that point in my life and why it wouldn't of worked between us.
So not the best night i've ever had.
Managed to lock myself out this morning aswell so that's another £65 on a locksmith i can't afford to pay.
So yeah, really not feeling too good, i'm sorely tempted to run away, start again somwhere new but i just don't have the money, somthing needs to change though, somthing.
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Friday July 18, 08
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02:29 PM - So it's been awhile
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I didn't have internet in my new place till now so i havn't had a chance to write, or see how you've all been.
The job is going really well, so well infact that i'm considering leaving uni for good. I do love my degree but i'm so sick of being poor, i hate looking at my empty fridge every night thinking how the only way to fill it would be stealing again but i'm not getting caught. I'm NEVER going ANYWHERE near the police again, i'll kill myself before i let them even touch me again.
Anyway i'm slowly making friends with those i work with but they all smoke one thing or another so it's difficult, even the newer people get on with them better then me coz they smoke and i don't. I understand why, smoking this and that is one of their main pass times so i've immediatly put up a barrier there. They've never tried to get me to do it, i don't think they ever would but i still feel pressured just coz i'm so bad with new people. It would be so much easier if i just smoked with them, immediate connection even if it is just on the most basic level but i can't. I refuse to get sucked into all that shit, i've seen enough of it.
Jon moved to crawley a while back, it costs about the same amount to see him now as it did when he was in Wales but atleast we're in the same country now :)
I've found myself missing him more and more, we still talk every night just like we always have but the physical contact, i miss kissing him, even just sitting next to him, anything aslong as he's near me. I saw him the other week (we see each other every 2 weeks average) and we went on a pub crawl to explore his new area and got really drunk, it still suprises me that we can do that. I mean i can go out with him like i go out with a mate, it doesn't feel different to being with Siobhan or Frankie on a night out. Anyway the morning after we were in bed and i got the feeling he wanted to say somthing for awhile but he didn't, then he turned to me and went "i wanna tell you something..... but i don't want you to get all wierd and freaked out" after having a laugh on how he was freaking me out more but saying that he said "i wanted to tell you that.... i love you" dunno why he made such a big thing of saying it, was nice to hear though, and i do love him.
Anyway, enough about me, i'm gonna find out how you guys have been getting on xxxx
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Friday May 30, 08
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11:46 AM - The wierdest thing happened
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So last week i go into town to look for a job and pass this poster outside specsavers talking about cheap contact lenses so i figured might as well go in and ask. I see they're proper busy so i thought what the hell and asked the receptionist if they needed anyone and she grabbed my cv, threw me in with the manager and basically said 'give her a job!' and he said 'ok'.
I was kinda in shock at first, i mean the first place i go into, no proper interview and i'm on a pretty decent wage. Why the fuck didn't i go in there last summer when i was stealing food to survive?! it's never happenned to me before, being in the right place at just the right time, when i came in the manager had just put an ad in the paper.
It was my 4th day working there today and i'm learning steadily, coz it's an opticians most of it is complex machines and stuff which i havn't been trained to use yet so i'm still kinda usless but atleast i'm getting paid.
The people there are cool two, well some of them, others are just bitches but there's a few i think i could get along with pretty well.
My perscription's been a big hit with everyone two, for those of you who don't know how eyesight works, you can either see normally which is 20/20 vision, be long-sighted where you can't see things close to you but you can see things further away which is written as a plus number and short-sighted where you can't see anything which is written as a minus number. Anything above -4 is considered to be quite a high perscription and i'm -17. They keep bringing me over to patients saying things like 'you think your perscription is bad, hers is over twice yours!' yeah glad i can help :)
It's good though, having somthing to do everyday, somewhere to go, the structure is really helping me. When i was just staying in my room i was trapped in my head all the time. Now i feel like i accomplish somthing everyday and it feels really good. Earning my own money aswell, i havn't been paid yet coz they pay monthly but the fact that i am gonna earn my own money, it makes me feel like less of a mess, like i can actually have a life again from now on..........
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Saturday May 17, 08
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11:53 AM - Yeah..................
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As you may remember, a while back i had a run in with the police that ended with them locking me in a cell for no reason.
A few days ago i decided instead of revising i would neck a bottle of rum and bring out the stanley knife again.
I called the ambulance and sat outside my hall to wait.
They sent the police ahead of them.
I was so drunk and when i saw them the entire thing flashed before my eyes, The cell, them laughing at me, telling me to shut up when i was going out of my mind with fear, begging them to let me out so i wouldn't let them anywhere near me. I crawled into this bush to hide and screamed everytime they took a step towards me, i couldn't help it i was terrified they'd put me back in a cage. The ambulance came and i told them i trusted them and i'd do what they said but the police weren't getting anywhere near me. They explained i had to be searched just incase i still had a knife on me, for their safety and that so i let them. I dunno how but the police got hold of my phone. I got in the ambulance and one of the medic guys acted as liason-type thing between me and the police coz i got so scared whenever i even saw them. They asked if i wanted them to call anyone and i said no, i didn't want anyone to know about this. The ambulance had just started up and i got a phonecall off Jon, they'd searched my phone and he was the last person to call me but as if that wasn't bad enough they'd told him i called them threatening to slit my wrists! i mean what if that had been my dad or my sister?! everytime i think i've had the worst off these wankers they do somthing even sicker!
Jon was mostly just worried about me, i spent most of the rest of the night preparing myself for when he would break up with me the next day.
So, with 11 new stitches and a large amount of surgical staples (kind of like paper stitches they just stick over the cut for when they're not bad enough to need proper stitches) i was finally let out at 4am. It took me hours to walk home, i kept getting lost coz i couldn't consintrate on where i was going.
I gave up trying to sleep about 8 and just went online to wait for Jon to sign on, i was ready for it and i knew i deserved it after putting him through that the night before.
He came online after a few hours and we talked, he seemed genuinly suprised i'd thought he'd want to break up, he was saying how coz i'd already told him about my problems a long time ago he figured this would happen at some point. When he was thinking about us getting together he thought about this and whether he'd be able to handle it and decided he could so it wasn't a problem. I was fucking amazed, still am.
Just had a shower, they say the plasters are waterproof but they pretty much just fell off as soon as water hit them. I'm not meant to get the stitches wet coz they might get infected, oh well i'm getting them out on tuesday.
I've fucked up my exams hardcore, i been to 2 out of 5 of them and walked out of both with nothing to show for it. My head's just not in it.
I'm just so tierd, so exhausted, everything that's happened this year and i havn't had time to deal with any of it, even just to sit down and let it sink in. I guess it's taking it's toll now.........
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Tuesday May 13, 08
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03:23 AM - 8 days till no more exams
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I started my exams now. I missed the first one coz i just couldn't handle it but my counseller and tutor are fixing that thank god.
I did one yesterday and i revised like fuck the day before only to find an hour and a half before it started that it was a different one to what i thought. I tried anyway but i just didn't know enough without the revision. It was a 2 hour exam, a question per hour and i answered one BADLY and left after 45 minutes.
I never realised how esay it is to let your life slip away either, i've spent so much time just laying in bed watching internet tv, somtimes i don't get up at all, even to eat. It's not that i can't get up coz i'm depressed, it's just easier not to. I'll say things like 'oh i'll start work in a hour' or 'i'll do it tomorrow' and literally weeks have gone by.
I've had to work myself so hard to keep my life going this year, I really can't wait for it all to be over and start next year when i can have fun again, i can't remember what enjoying this subject is like anymore.
I'm worrying about Jon aswell, he's falling behind on his work and he's got a presentation soon that he hasn't finished writing yet and coz it's his final year he can't re-take anything.
He's got a interview today for a job after he graduates, it's in crawley which is kind of near me, well, nearer then Wales anyway. He's coming to see me for a bit after coz apparently i'm on the way back but i can't help thinking maybe those few hours would be better spent on his work. I've tried telling him that but he won't listen, i know how he feels, i really wanna see him to but still, the work needs to come first right now. Saying that, i am really excited to see him, it'll be a welcome relief from yesterday.
I also finally got this dvd i ordered after like 3 weeks but i think it's the wrong fucking one! i started watching this film called The pet on internet and it was a 1984ish type thing set in the future where people keep human beings as pets but it turned out to be one of those preview things that's just long enough to get you interested but then cuts off and tells you to pay. From reading the back though this seems to be some sort of dominatrix film. Anyway i'll watch it and tell you what it's like
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Tuesday April 29, 08
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01:03 PM - Reflection
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Looking back i can seriously say this year has been the worst year of my life.
I've felt worse, wanted to kill myself more, but i never had so much happen to me at once.
This year i've lost nearly everyone i care about, sukhi, chantelle, siobhan's fast leaving me and now my nan's dead.
I've been shit on, kicked out of my house with only days of notice, lost all the money i have trying to get back on my feet and i havn't even begun to think about uni work. My exams start on the 10th may and i need to learn most of the material from scratch, i don't even know where to begin.
I'm living in halls, terrified that if i have too much contact with these people it'll happen again so they all probebly think i'm a bitch.
I've done so many stupid things, whether from drink, or trying to be too clever or just from trying to protect those i love. They keep running through my head, all these stupid, embarrissing thing i done, i know these people probebly don't even think about it anymore but i can't really believe that somehow.
I got my nan's funeral on friday, everyone's gonna think i don't care coz i'm not gonna be upset and crying like my sister. It's hit her hard, her and nan were closer then me and nan. It's not that though, i been expecting this for a long time, last time i saw her i knew she was worse then she was letting on and then when she went into hospital i knew it wouldn't be long.
I can see them all now, sitting there whispering to each other how i don't care and oh poor Julie, i can't do it, not in front of people. If i'm gonna grieve it's gonna be alone in my room with a locked door, not in front of people. NEVER in front of people.
I say to people these days, things are starting to look up and in some ways i guess they are, this year's almost over and after summer i can start fresh, without all the shit that's gone on.
I chose my dissertaion topic and got it oked by the classics department so i can begin to prepare over summer.
I'm not going to isle of wight festival this summer coz of lack of money but The Sparks are playing at islington academy on my actual birthday so i got tickets to that instead. Means i'll be in hell for my birthday but it should be a good gig.
I got Jon now aswell, saying that still gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I went up to see him last friday and came back yesterday night, the whole weekend was amazing.
I was so worried about what would happen when we finally saw each other. He gave me the biggest hug ever when i got off the train and we spent most of the rest of the day talking, just like when he came down here. There were so many opportunities for our first kiss but i bottled out of every single one of them. We were laying in each other's arms on the sofa watching dvds and all i had to do was turn my head but i just kept bottling out. I got to Swansea at 4:00 that afternoon, our first kiss finally happened at half 9 that evening, it took us 5 and a half hours to get to it but it was so worth it. I had my arm around him, he turned to face me, looked into my eyes and then leaned in, it really was amazing.
After that we couldn't stop kissing, we couldn't even sit next to each other without atleast hugging, we were so wrapped up in each other. It was sickening.
The second day we woke up in each other's arms and it felt like that was how it'd always been, it just felt right.
He only had his bike for transport so he borrowed his mum's boyfriend's gear and helmet for me so we could go places, it was about 15 sizes too big for me but it was better then nothing. I never been on a motorbike before but i've always loved them and would have one now if i ever had the money for lessens. It was really cool, felt just like i'd imagined it would.
We went up through loads of countryside, i'd joked alot about growing up in hell meant i used to think trees grew with barbed wire round them (not far off actually) but i never knew how clueless i was. It's fucking beautiful there. The mountains go on forever and there's ramdom streams, natural streams with real water in them and when we were on this little mountain road thing a hawk flew right over our heads! I wanted to stay there forever.
The rest of this story will have to wait another day coz it's getting quite long now so i'll leave you with some of the only Welsh i can actually pronounce.
Nos Da (goodnight)
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Thursday April 17, 08
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12:25 PM - Aprehension
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I've realised i'm getting way too comfortable sitting at home every night so i'm forcing myself out.
Nothing too much, just karaoke at the union but i'm getting really nervous and aprehensive about it.
That can't be good.
I get the feeling from some thoughts going in and out of my head that going out is somhow connected to trusting people again. I guess it's the potential of making new friends, which i admit i'm very scared to do.
It's amazing, my biggest relationship fear used to be when my boyfriend was going to cheat on me, how long i had left with him, now every person i begin to see even the spark of a potential for me to care about them sends me into all these doubts about everything.
Siobhan has pretty much stopped talking to me completely, she's spending alot of time with a girl she met called kp who i really don't like coz she says things like "i know he has a girlfriend but i don't know her so it's ok"
She invited me out a few times when i called her first but as soon as i said i couldn't afford to pay for her she wasn't up for it.
I've paid for her a hell of alot since we started going out together but for some reason i never thought she was like that. I've lost pretty much everyone this year, everyone i was close to, everyone i loved and trusted.
I guess i'm allowed to be a little aprehensive about going out there again, it's like the end of a really serious relationship but it's worse. You always hear that 'men come and go but friends are forever' shit and sub-consiously we all believe it, how can you not? it seems so true.
I'm half way through my first drink now, it's helping a bit and it feels good to be drinking again. I know that sounds wierd but i've always liked a drink, i like the taste and i like the bubbly feeling it gives me, it's not about it making me feel better or making my problems go away, i just like it.
Anyway, i'm really gonna try to have a good time tonight, i'll tell you how it goes
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