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Journal of almareallymatters (15430)
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almareallymatters (15430)
almareallymatters
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Pretty Girls Make Gravy

Tuesday January 16, 07
02:23 AM - Little Man, What Now?
[ ]
"Too old to be a child star
  Too young to take leads"

You know I often liken the development of my children to a game of Snakes and Ladders. You throw the dice and they move a few spaces. Sometimes they have a minor victory and climb a little ladder. Other times they have a setback of some sort and fall back a few spaces, sliding painfully down a snake. Recently Dan has thrown an elusive six and climbed a huge ladder from the bottom rung right up to the top, his baby days left far behind. If the ultimate prize is boyhood then the finish line is in sight. He is my youngest child but no longer my baby it would seem.....

                                  THE CASE FOR THE PROSECUTION
                                ----------------------------------

EXHIBIT A - The Party Invitation
-----------------------------------

Dan came home from school the other day with a party invitation in his hot little hand. My views on childrens birthday parties have been well documented but this one takes the proverbial biscuit for damn right absurdity!

He is going to attend Sam's FOOTBALLERS & WAGS PARTY. The dress code for boys is full football kit whilst the girls must "dress to impress" as their favourite WAG ( footballers wife or girlfriend) The mind boggles it really does! Infact I can see it now.....

ALL the boys will go as David BLOODY Beckham sporting ridiculous hairstyles held in place with copious amounts of gloopy, sticky hair gel and will need to practice the inability to string together a vaguely coherent sentence!

ALL the girls will go as Victoria BLOODY Beckham (POSH.....surely the biggest "contradiction in terms" in the history of "contradiction in terms"....if she is POSH then I am positively LA-DE-DAR!) They will be sitting at home for days before the party pushing their chicken nuggets around their plates in the vain hope of slimming to the much coveted "SIZE 0" before the big event! Mrs Beckham has been adopting a dominatrix look of late so the outfits ought to be....... INTERESTING!....and lipgloss will be applied...hair straightners employed.....

Mr & Mrs Beckham are of course on the way to the good old US of A....one export our American friends are more than welcome to....GOOD LUCK to you all....your sure gonna need it!

Whatever happened to jelly and ice cream and "pinning the tail on the donkey".....not nearly sophisticated enough for all the little David's and Victoria's it would seem!

EXHIBIT B - The Missing Tooth
--------------------------------

Dan lost his very first baby tooth this week and is displaying the little gap in the bottom of his jaw with immense pride!

Cue a visit to Chez Alma from the tooth fairy who left a quid under his pillow all sprinkled with silver "fairy dust". Said "fairy dust" is proving a right BASTARD to hoover from the bedroom carpet though....but a small price to pay compared to the joy on his little face upon its discovery.

* (MUMMY-TIP! If you, like me, enjoy a little glass of wine in the evening you might like this one!.....if you are a little "tipsy" shall we say, feeling around for a tiny tooth under the pillow of a sleeping child sure ain't an easy task. My children now put the tooth under their pillow inside a sock! I take the other sock in the pair downstairs and place the coin and "fairy dust" inside, wine in hand. Then later I simply remove the sock from under the pillow and replace it with the other...hey presto...the tooth fairy lives!)

Dan has no concept of the value of money so as he posted his gold coin into his piggy bank he said he was gonna buy "either a new pirate or football shirt"......I guess he still had half a mind on the party invitation! Either way he sure ain't gonna get a pirate or a football shirt with a pound. Having explained this to him I caught him frantically wobbling each and every one of his remaining teeth with gusto! By the end of next week he will probably be at the party resplendent in his new football shirt, but without a single tooth left in his head!

EXHIBIT C - Spellings Homework
-----------------------------------

Dan recieved his first spellings homework last Tuesday and will be tested on them today, having had a week to learn them. His spellings were:-

am
get
shop
fish
I
the

Using the guidence notes provided by his teacher I have practised them with him each night. He has to see the word, say the word, sound out the word and finally write the word. Then he has to make up a sentence containing each word to ensure he understands its meaning. I asked him to make up a sentence containing the word "I".....he said....

"I really hate spellings homework!"

Then last night I said I was going to give him a test. He asked "whats a test?" so I told him I was going to read out the words whilst we wrote them down "without looking" So I read them and he wrote them. After writing three of the words I noticed how messy his handwriting was. I glanced up at him and spotted the reason for this immediately. Having taken my instruction to write them "without looking" literally he was doing the test with his BLOODY eyes shut!

EXHIBIT D - The Reading Book
--------------------------------

Dan's reading has really come on recently but I have for a while been thinking it is all just an elaborate hoax. You see they teach children to read using horrendous amounts of repetition and providing pictures to illustrate the words. Dan has the most amazing memory and rather than actually reading he uses the pictures and a good deal of common sense! I am not fooled!

Last week he brought home his first non-fiction very grown up reading book called "WHOSE VEHICLE?" On each page was a picture of a person dressed for work in a uniform with the text, "Which vehicle does this man drive?" Then you turn the page and there is a picture of the mans vehicle with the accompanying text, "This man drives a police car/tractor/ambulance/milk float"
Each and every page is the same and the pictures are very clear. Even a baffoon like Dan can fake-read that sucker!

Dan is doing brilliantly....until....there is a picture of a postman. The postman is Asian and he is wearing a turban. Dan looks at the picture and then "pretends" to read the text....

"Which vehicle does this GENIE drive?"

As he turns the page he says excitedly....

"I know this one Mum!....I know this one!....he drives a flying carpet!"

The page is turned.....

"OOOOOOH!...its a postmans van"

Reading my arse!

EXHIBIT E - The Insightful Comment
--------------------------------------

We are cuddled up on the sofa watching RUBBERDUBBERS! It is about a load of bath toys which come alive and have various adventures focused around the bathtub....not a TRUE story....as far as I know....but Dan is suitably convinced and enthralled!

In todays story a "baddie" bar of soap appears and tries to kidnap the bubbles from the bath using a toy train. Luckily his attempt at evil is thwarted by a frog and a sponge in the shape of a starfish!

I turn to Dan as it finishes....

"Phew!...that was lucky...NOTHING is more important than bubbles hey mate?!"

There is a short pause and then Dan looks at me earnestly and says, through the little gap in his teeth....

"What about love?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So...there you have it...my baby is a baby no more....

                                          THE PROSECUTION RESTS!

Love Alma xxx
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Little Man, What Now? | Log in/Create an Account | Top | 13 comments | Search Discussion
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Fairy Dust!! (Score:1)
What are you like mate?!!

The OCD has clearly not abated then - I am surprised you don't just hoover around the bed with poor Dan still in it!! Even slightly pissed you still consider the impact that fairy dust will have on the carpet!

Yes my dear the evidence is very clear. This juror must concurr, the Dan in question is a baby no more...

Lets hear it for the Boy!

xxx
Anais Nin -- Tuesday January 16 2007, @11:52AM (#246320)
(User #15329 Info)
 Wardrobe Mistress
  • Re:Fairy Dust!! by almareallymatters (Score:1) Tuesday January 16 2007, @12:08PM
    Smiling......... (Score:1)
    .....brilliant again our ALMA.

    EXHIBIT D made me laugh outloud.
    EXHIBIT E made me well-up!

    my lad grew up at 6 ish. Hes 10 now and acts 15 ;-(((

    by the way.......dont worry about the OCD.
    I've got it and apart from the time I lose everyday it doesn't hurt anyone.

    inlovewiththepast -- Wednesday January 17 2007, @05:00AM (#246396)
    (User #1028 Info)
     truth rest your head there is more than a life at stake here..she may well sell sanctuary but she'll also sell your soul
    note to self... (Score:1)
    I'll have to print out your journal entries one of these days (in case they ever, god forbid, get erased)....
    I enjoy reading your take on things....
    Practically all my friends have kids now - and talking to them, one gets the distinct idea that children are just this huge problem they have to face.....they rarely focus on the fact that no matter how hard it can be sometimes, they're really quite lovely people.....
    everybody's lost * -- Wednesday January 17 2007, @07:58AM (#246408)
    (User #12791 Info)
     ...a chat with you and somehow, death loses its sting.
    Once again... (Score:0)
    ... you have made me think you should right a book.

    Top draw. I love the way you paint a believable picture of your Kids (erm... obviously coz these are true stories and all that...)

    Im tired of reading and seeing on T.V. about Kids who are out of control or a nightmare.

    Your Journals are a joy to read and ALWAYS bring a smile to my face.
    Stuheff -- Thursday January 18 2007, @04:03AM (#246515)
    (User #14637 Info)
     "This once was me"
    • Re:Once again... by almareallymatters (Score:1) Thursday January 18 2007, @04:16AM
      Love Is All (Score:1)
      Alma,

      Sorry I haven't commented in a wee while, but rest assured I am still reading and loving every sentence.

      Quite apart from being obviously crafty, it seems young Dan has already got the key - that boy will go far!

      With love,
      BWTT
      Boy With The Thorn -- Friday January 19 2007, @04:23PM (#246680)
      (User #1359 Info | http://www.kraftwerk.com/ )
       Reliably devious and truculent.
      • Re:Love Is All by almareallymatters (Score:1) Saturday January 20 2007, @05:38AM
        RE: Unbelievable (Score:1)
        Can't believe a kids party would have WAGS!! What is the world coming to??? That just was beyond belief...
        Also enjoy Rubberdubbers, got to get my Sean Hughes fix somewhere.
        M-in-Oz -- Saturday January 20 2007, @08:15PM (#246754)
        (User #13934 Info)

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