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Tuesday November 04, 03
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05:42 PM - Sad
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I feel so bad. Theres no one to talk to. Matt is out with his friend that doesnt like me.I dunno wat to do. Im so not motivated to do anything except watch television and mope around. I didnt even pray today. Im gonna go pray and take a shower. I feel so depressed and so overwhelmed. Like I cant even cry because I went on a 3 hour crying marathon on Sunday. I know Im depressed. I know I have something. I just feel so alone and so worthless. Like I really wanna just die right now. I just hope this is a phase or something. I mean I go to that physcoligst every week but its not helping. Im so upset and sad. I just hate everything. I mean Matts been awesome to me, but I just dont feel happy anymore. I called everyone I know and they either dont pick up or they cant talk. Im at a real low point right now.
Well afterwards, I ended up taking a shower and I watched tv and prayed and I got into good spirtits. Good enough to summarize a whole book for my women in Nepal report.I'm going to Matts house tomorrow.
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Monday August 18, 03
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01:39 PM - Ask me why and I'll spit in your eye
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Hey dudes,
Man. My life is such a crashing bore. I woke up,met Joey to go on the train. He's fucking crazy. A lady hit her head on the bar of the subway getting up and he pointed and laughed at her.
Anyways, I'm doing alright. I really don't feel like discussing Matthew anymore on here because he just makes me feel like hes so much smarter and better looking and I feel like I'm under his spell and all that weird shit. Sigh. Man, I should've listened to Mozz once he said he was asexual. But I never learn.
Man, I was daydreaming that I had a kid and named him Morrissey. My mommy called and I miss her tons. I miss you all too. Hasta la bye bye baby
Sally
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Friday May 02, 03
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05:22 AM - Gee, I think you're swell
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If Matt's ever done, it has got to be this time. Yesterday as we all know was May Day. I had to go to the bookstore to celebrate. Even this guy I met, Nick came (for like 5 seconds.) Ok, here's how it started. I've been telling Matthew for a week now that there's going to be a pot luck dinner at the bookstore on Mayday. He says, "ok,Sally.I miss you I'm coming." So I invited as many people as I can to the event. I asked Milan(the guy who argues with me all the time about captalism), Mr.K, and even my political philosophy teacher, Mr.Grusky to come. All of them couldn't, so I went as far as to speak to Maram again and ask her to come(she came).So anyways, I asked Matt to come. I call him at 3 and I'm like, "i'm coming at 7 to pick you up." He's like , "for what?" I'm like, "for the potluck diner I've been telling you for a week about." He's like, "No.I'm not going." So I hung up and went to work. Work went well. My teacher that I work with told me to ignore him for a bit. I really don't knowwhat to do. I mean he told me he's been missing out on sleep, and he didn't come because he wanted to sleep. But what the hell? I've been telling him for a week!!I asked my friend Stacy to come too, but appeartnely something with her parents happened, so she couldn't come. But I told her the day before, so it was short notice. But Matt-that was a complete loser move. Like, I was so upset. After work, I went to pick up my dress. It looks so perfect. I look like a princess!This morning, my mom idn't even give me a chance to dress and she made me try it on. I showed it off to daddy and he loved it.The problem is my damn school sent prom letters announcing the date, and I really hope his prom is on the 22nd. Anyways, after I got my dress. I went home, bought food and rushed to the dinner. Nick met me on the way because the kinky lingere shop he works is is on the way to the bookstore.He' like "hey." I'm like, "I'm sorry, but I'm pissed off because I'm missing my babe." So, I went there and Carl was talking. I sat down and wrote my speech quickly.When I went up there to talk, I couldn't read my speech because I write tiny. So I'm like I'm going to improvise. I really don't remember anything I said, but I remember that everyone came up to me and theyre like, "that was great!You should forget your speech more often." Like I really can't get over how cute Damian is. Matt, is of course, way hotter, and way my type, and I'm in love with him. But Damian is cute.LOl. Jesse was up there rapping with another guy-it was so cute. I was laughing the whole time. I call him "my big doofy brother." Lol. I met up with a lot of people from NION. It was really cool. I'm really glad I didn't bring Matt. He would've ruined everything with, "I'm tired. I'm bored. I hate this this." Just like he did at that Twisted Sister concert. Whatever. I guess I can't be that mad at him because he's my babe, but still, you know? He should learn to prioritize. Anyways, gotta run. See you guys later.
Love,
Marylin
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Thursday May 01, 03
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09:33 AM - Happy Workers Day
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Hey you guys. I dunno what I'm doing in my life. There's this one math test thats going to determine my future. My boyfriend is getting sleep and taking it out on me. I'm really honest with him, but he doesn't seem to care. I have this potluck dinner at Revolutionary Bookstores in manhattan at 7 P.M.on West 19th Street/between 5th and 6th Avenue if anyone from NYC wants to come. Grrr..I hate my life. I'll write back later
Sally
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Tuesday April 22, 03
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06:48 PM - Screwed up lil babe
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Today I had school. I woke up at 6:45 a.m. and thought of Matt. He didn't call me. Sigh. He didn't call me at all today. It's really messed up. Like 2 years ago I wanted to fucking kill Hisham for calling me 20-30 times a day everyday, but I yearn for a phone call from Matt. Lol. I'm funny. Whatever. He doesn't call, he doesn't call. He better call me in time tomorrow or I'll leave his ass and go to the YB meeting.Lol. I love him. So anyways, I handed in my bullshit papers and essays that I scrambled to do at 10 p.m. on Monday night. I finished at 11:30 P.M. I'm good. It's just so sad to see Mr.K put so much faith in my work and i'm like bullshitting. Maybe I'm a great bullshitter that he doesn't notice. Today I got The Smiths "Singles" CD from Liz. I'm so happy. I can't wait to open it!! I don't own Singles, but I know every song on it by heart, you know? It's just cool. I love The Smiths. I had work today after school. It went well. I fucked up today. Sana took me out for a treat of a slice of pizza and cookies n cream ice cream. i'm so gonna pay the price. After I'm done writing this I want to work out for at least 45 minutes. I'm gonna go all out because prom is on my ass and I have to look really super cute-so yeah. I have to get up at 6 and work out, and I'll definantly do a fast before. I feel gross-like ugh gross.I ignored Maram really well the whole day. I don't love her anymore. It's like, she wasn't really my friend to begin with. Well, I decided that I'm so not going to Baruch. Oh Mi God, Matthew just came online...What do I do? Do I IM him? Grr..I'm like a fucking 12 year old with a major crush.Like seriously, the dude is my boyfriend..Whatever. The man IMs me first. Anyways, I'm holding out for Hunter, so yeah..I dunno..Maybe I should just go to Egypt. I mean mommy is going to go live there with my brothers, so might as well go with her. But if I go, I know Hisham's going to come knocking on my door(as well as many other young Egyptian suitiors). Grr..I don't want any of them man. I don't care if they know every Metallica, Pantera and Slayer song by heart. I don't care if they like The Smiths(like no one knows the Smiths there.) Well, maybe if they look like Moz I'd look twice..but I love Matt. I want to stay here with Matt. Like for real. Like he's just so fucking awesome. Grr..I don't want to IM him because mommy said that if a boy(no matter how sensitive or bs like that)finds that a girl is like head over hells he'll go cold. And i really don't want that..Grrr..Wait this smells like another rule of "the game." Fuck the game. I flirted with Matt with every trick in the book until I had to fucking get him undef a blanket..Sheesh. I'll IM him. Whatever. Well, I don't know if I should stay or if I should go.UPDATE: I imed him and he said he called me 10 mins.ago.I asked him to call me back and he's like, "no. I'm talking to other people." Awww..
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Monday April 07, 03
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11:19 AM - Barf all day
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Oh yeah. I was sick as hell yesterday. After i got home on Saturday, I started feeling a bit sick. So I was like yeah, ok. let me chill at the house today. then, sunday morning I wake up and it's all hell from there. I throw up in the morning and every bit of food my mom gave me throughout the day, I threw up. I'm listening to "meat is murder". I was being babied around all day. i made my mom get me water and close my window and take care of me. Matt was calling me and i was being a baby in front of my mom. he was like, "Oh my God." Lol. He was being extra nice to me yesterday. He called me on the phone twice and he called me up this morning before school. I'm smart. I didn't go to school today because there's a feaking snowstorm and I'll get sick all over again. Yeah, I had loads of fun at the Twisted Sister concert. Man, it was the best. Well, there always has to be a balance. Like if one day is good, the next day is equally bad, I suppose. Whatever. My mom was fighting with me over this whole Egypt thing.She's like you better go back to Egypt. I'm like I'm staying with Matt. She went so far as to call my granny and my aunt. It was like, "leave me alone grandma." Lol.Matt was telling me that this freshman girl(the one that he modeled with) has a crush on him. I was like dude, "if it didn't get the same with guys around me, I'd be annoyed. So yeah. It happens to me, happens to him. Whatever. My computer mouse is being a pain. I feel much better now. I just got to be careful what I do with myself. After I met Matt, I've been not caring about anything. You'd think I would start to watch my weight, or do my nails or something, but no. It's like I'm ok with myself. It's cool. It's not like I've been getting super fat(ok, I gained a pound or two) but its cool.It's like when I was with the evil one, I always used to feel like I was the ugliest person ever and I'd restrict and fast and binge and purge and everything. But it was like, he still looked at other girls. Like I feel into a depression where I wouldn't get out of the house for moths on end, I gained weight and I looked miserable. With Matt,even if I have my "fat" days, I feel good like all the time. Its the bestest feeling ever. It's like, "I got Matt, so I guess I'm kinda good looking." But I should watch myself somewhat. Not as harsh as I used to be on myself, but yeah.
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Friday March 21, 03
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06:43 AM - Today Is gong to be a Good Day
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Today is going tobe a good day. I don't know how Gwen Stephani wears these thongs like all the time. It's a pain in the in the arse for real. Plus there's like no support so yeah. Anyways, it was so funny. Yesterday I was trying to give flirting advice to Fiona. At CBGB's there was this band called Attic's Noise. They were ok. So after their set, the drummer came to talk to us. Fifi like has this huge ass crush on him.But I think he likes me more. Dunno why. She's like, "stop batting your eyelashes dammit." I'm like, "leave me alone. I don't mean to." So anyways, she likes him and I gave him hercell phone number by email. I know I'm so cute. Nichelle is coming too so it will be cool. We're going to go see them at Red Zone and matthew is coming. His friend's band The Victory will be playing there too. They suck ass. The lead singer used to be matt's friend and he gave us a free CD. Like for real. I was like, "Fifi. You like him. If you keep being shy, you're not going to get anywhere." I sent her "Ask." Lol. I was like drop a napkin or in my case I dropped my ciggie box. I swear I was shy too when I met Matt. If it wasn't for Igor taking my seat i wouldn't have the guts to go sit next to him. I'm so happy. Anyways, I got into a fight with my parens this morning. They suck. My dad is like, "no more demonstrations. " I was like, "fuck you." whatever. I was talking to Matt yesterday on the phone, and my mom was singing Bingo. Grr.. I opened up to Matthew alot yesterday. It was kind of scary, but I love him.My cell phone bill came to about 600$. So yeah. Well anyways gotta go and do my eyebrows. Peace in the middle East.
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Wednesday March 19, 03
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07:11 AM - Hot guys make graves too
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Dude. I have no idea what to do anymore. I just dont. I love mathhew, but this has got to go. This Lauren chick, thats it. I'm going wait until Friday(until he calls then) and see how he resolved this issue. Because for real, I can't take this anymore. He acknolwedge the fact that it's way too soon for us to be doing this, so I'm like, "cool. drop her." He's like in that sense, yes. But she can come hang out with us. Dude, what the hell? It's one thing to have a girl as a friend. But it's another to have a chick be your friend who hits on you and likes you. I was like,"Matthew. I kno chicks. If she likes you then she's going otry and get you." I'm so not letting a Tom &Nicole thing happen between me and Matt. I can't let that happen. And If I suspect or even feel the slightest hint that theyre doing stuff, I swear-I'll fucking end this. And whats wrong wth him? I'M HOTTER!!! She's like not hot. Like seriously.. I don't know. I told him, "matthew just drop her. Then we'll all be cool. But no." I don't want to bitch fight with her or be rude, but for real. If I gotta fight to tell her to fuck off, I will. I endured all his long, pointless stories that mention one of his exes or girls . Like seriously, and Fiona says I talk about my ex alot. Fuck. The only reason why I'm talking about him nw is because Matt does. I'm wearing his ring. I swear, if that boy doesn't make this whole thing up to me and ditch this girl, then I dunno. I'm too tired. I'm just really tired and annoyed and scared and misrable. This is not cool. I wish I had some Mozzie boy music here. Sigh. Whatever. Gotta go. Maybe I should get a boy toy too and see how Matt feels about him. Like seriously, it was fun the first 5 seconds, but when she started eyeing him and stuff, he called me possesive. He called me possesive. What am I supposed to do after that? You know? Whatever. I wanna be Mattless for the next few enteries. I don't think he loves me like he says he does. He tries to show it by helping me, but then little things come up and he just ruins all the good stuff he did and leaves me with nothing. I feel nothingness now. I feel like I'm the biggest loser eve. I'm in competion with another chick over my own boyfriend! He's my boyfriend, my babe. MINE. He tried to make a big deal out of it and I was like thinking , "please, you stupid fuck. Dn't avoid the subject." Youre mine as in my babe. Grr... Ok. Time to be Mattless. Because really, he didn't call me back. He didn't leave me any message of some sort. Whatever. We'll see.
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Thursday March 06, 03
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09:37 PM - Add me to your buddy lists please!
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Ok. This sucks. I only have like caroline who added me. Appartnley its not the num,ber of comments you have, but how many friends added you to their list. so guys add me. Cmon. i wanna have 18 people at least add me. ok? PLEASE.. I wanna beat Mr. Biffo so bad. Like its my dream!!!
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Wednesday March 05, 03
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10:10 PM - boy with a thorn
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alrighty then. next subject. why i am still here? matt told me some really cool stuff, it was so smart and i feel left out..grrr.. i wanna think smart. its 1 a.m. so yeah. here goes nothing.Matt like ditched me to do homework ;).Lol. Poor baby, he acually cares. Anyways, beware I bear more grudges than lonely high court judges. Wait, That's a Mozz lyric. this aint working. Ok. Well love peace n harmony n ill go trip out somewheres else.
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