j razor, did you get that email i sent to you?? if no i'll send it again.

okay, so i seriously had no idea how long it had been since i've posted anything. what the hell is wrong with me? okay, well i'm just lazy, we'll just keep it at that.
so the good stuff first. i ended up getting accepted to all of the physical therapy schools i applied to, which is apparently unheard of. boston u even offered me a big scholarship, and i wanted to go there so badly, but even with the money offer, it was still too expensive to live and go to school there. plus thomas was practically having anxiety attacks about leaving the west coast. there were some spectacular fights, lemme tell ya. disaster. eventually, i decided on university of puget sound in tacoma, wa. the cost of living is pretty decent, the school is fantastic, and we're still within driving distance of our friends. the icing on the cake is that mom's new neurologist is in seattle so that'll only put me a half hour's drive away. sweet.
and now the bad news, and the reason why mom has a new neurologist: her first surgery got screwed up. for the last couple months, mom has been having all these weird symptoms, like she's lost her sense of taste (what the hell!! i would have to kill somebody if i lost that), she can't walk easily, and her meds aren't kicking in the way they were supposed to. she was referred by a friend to northwest hospital in seattle. they asked her if her post-op MRI revealed anything, and they freaked out when she told them that OHSU had never given her one. so two weeks ago she flew down to the hospital and the MRI revealed that on her trouble side, the surgeon had completely missed her thalamus.
let me repeat that: they missed her thalamus. THEY MISSED THE GODDAMN THALAMUS. the thing is the size of a walnut! i can see them not exactly hitting the right nucleus or whatnot, but the ENTIRE FUCKING THING??? the new doctor believes that she's lost her taste because the wire is pressing on a taste center in her brain. isn't that the most fucked up thing ever? when i found out i left work and went home. i thought i was going to cry or freak out, but i found that i was too angry to even move. i have never been that angry, and i'm still stewing about it. dad and i are talking about suing (obviously--and this is actually a legit case too). it's just really frustrating, but the people at northwest are being amazing so all of us. mom's level of care is so good there. they are re-doing her surgery in june (but it might get bumped up to may) and the surgeon feels confident he can undo all the bad stuff. they are also replacing a wire on the other side, so i think it'll be really good in the end. however, i'm ready to firebomb OHSU. i've never really wished harm towards anyone seriously before i ran into the douchebags at that hospital. the incompetance was overwhelming at times and half the staff was so rude that i would never go back there. so i'm trying to blacklist that hospital. i can't speak for any other operation, but anyone with parkinson's should avoid that place as much as possible. my mom and my entire family has been living in hell since january. three weeks ago the entire until freaked out and she had such trouble breathing she had to go to the hospital. this shouldn't be fucking happening and it makes me insane that the best woman i will ever know--the woman who made my life possible--is getting delt a bullshit hand in her own life. i know there's nothing i can do about it, but that doesn't make it any easier to take. sigh.
what a drag. i'm optimistic that we'll go up from here. couldn't get a whole lot worse. hopefully in august we'll all be on the family vacation we've been planning for years and feel like it was all worth it in the end.

so the big mom-brain-surgery ended up okay, I took her to the airport on wednesday. she's been in town since the 30th of november. it was definitely a trying experience and i now know the meaning of true stress--and how it's so much worse than worrying about finals.
the first surgery was the electrode placement in the brain and it was supposed to start at 7:30 am, the first one of the day, and would last 2-3 hours. they wanted us there by 6. we got there basically on time after being lost in downtown portland. good thing we left early.
after checking into the hospital they took mom up to get a frame fitted to her head (think hannibal lecter crossed with darth vader), but the dumbassed resident had never done it before and took too long to do it. so mom missed her MRI time and thus her surgery time. without so much as an apology, they wheeled her back down into the pre-op area and she waited for FIVE HOURS with a gigantic frame bolted to her head, a catheter in, and off her meds since 9 the previous evening. even though the actual surgery went well, it was a day of needless bullshit because certain people weren't prepared. total bullshit. dad and i ended up terrorizing the ICU half the night and smuggling food in for mom.
the next day she was discharged and mom and i went back to corvallis, where we chilled until the next monday. after work i took her back up to portland, missed the exit to her hotel, and drove around portland for an hour, desperately trying to find it. it was godawful. eventually i found it and, with an evening wasted, went back to corvallis. keane was playing that night and i wanted to go see them (it was only 10 dollars too), but i was too tired, too pissed off, and i had to be back at work the next morning at 7. ugh.
after work on tuesday i went back up to porland and picked dad up at the airport (he went home to work between surgeries). mom's second surgery was the next day, and it was just a day surgery. she didn't get much of a "honeymoon" effect from the stimulater getting turned on low current afterward so she still had to take all her meds until her post-op appt the next week. lame.
took mom back to corvallis that night and was planning on working the next day but that morning we found that mom's battery pack had slipped three inches during the night. the surgeon told her to come in and so we again drove up to portland, which took forever because there was a hugeassed accident and we had to take a one-hour detour. got there, the dr checked mom out and said she was fine, and sent us back home.
skip ahead a week. following wednesday was the programming of the brain stimulator. it was really tedious because they had to try all these different combinations of amplitude, pulse frequency, and pulse width. the problem with this procedure is that they still don't know how or why it works, so there's no cut and dry way to program it. the nurse had what looked to be a gigantic palm pilot and used the stylus to select different combinations. it was amazing to watch mom's tremor disappear!! they got everything under control except for below her left knee, which is where the tremor initially was, so apparently that's to be expected. the neurologist explained to us that when mom can tolerate higher amperages, they may be able to get the rest of the tremor calmed down. a little disappointing, but not too bad.
so that was the last three weeks of my life in a small nutshell. it was much more difficult to watch everything go down than i originally thought. very emotionally draining. i'm glad it's over. we went through a lot more bullshit than i outlined above, and the entire family is still pretty bitter. i'm sure it will fade over time, especially if things turn out well with the stimulator (we aren't going to know exactly how effective it is for another 1-3 months due to the nature of brain habituation and how long it will take her to get over all the side effects). i'm definintely hopeful but i also don't want to think about what would happen if it doesn't pan out.
most everything else in my life is progressing fairly normally. trying to get my graduate school applications in order. it's mostly working. kinda.
okay. will prolly write more later, but i just got back from the biggest buffet i've ever had and i need to nap and digest.

it's been a good day thus far. got an extra hour to lie in bed this morning with daylight savings...actually got to the gym, then i came home and spent a half hour in the shower listening to "half a person" on repeat. fantastic.
in other news, i filled out my absentee ballot today. naturally, i voted kerry. i called dad and to my great, GREAT surprise, he sounds like he's going to vote for kerry too. this is incredible because my dad is a big time fiscal conservative but he's frustrated by the whole iraq thing, and more importantly, bush's anti-stem cell research policy doesn't sit well with the husband of a person with parkinson's.
so take that, bush. ya fucko.
in a move of classic procrastination, i rescheduled my exams until november 23. mostly because i would completely bomb the verbal section, and many grad schools will end up averaging your scores rather than taking the best. so i thought i should just get my ass in gear and only pay for the test once. hopefully this line of rationalization will end up working out.
now i'm off to buy jon stewart's book "america: the book." it's gonna be great, cause stewart is a friggin genius. bar none.

ughhh. just got through one of *those* days where you just feel, for no good reason, ass-whooped.
i came home today in the middle of a mini-crisis, questioning why i'm applying to grad school when i don't really want to go to school anymore... i just want to hang out, open a record store or a radio station and just immerse myself in music forever and ever. i've found that i'm **really** great at living below the poverty line, which really isn't that low anyway. i'm making less than a thousand dollars a month and i'm cool with that, so long as i don't want to have very much fun.
i'm not sure if i'm just lazy or if i lack ambition... i guess i'm just sick of jumping through all the hoops to get to where i want to be. sad thing is, i'm really really close to finishing everything. just need to ace my GREs, fill out some applications, get in to school and after school i'm done.
but i don't even want to study, and the GREs are this friday! why? oh yeah, because i dont' give a damn about analogies or antonyms or coordinate geometry. bleah. i've even bailed out of a grad school because i don't want to fill out the application so soon (the deadline is this saturday). slacker! AUGH.
not four months ago, i graduated summa cum laude. i think i'm still hung over from undergraduate.
yes, i'm complaining big time.
yes, i'm a whiner.
no, i don't give a shit, this is my journal and i can bitch about what pisses me off.
maybe i'll bust out the flashcards later. at least today's a travel day for the world series.

siggghhh. can't sit and watch all of game 7 between boston and new york. too much!
so i thought i'd dust off the ol' journal and have a type...
update on the mom situation: after threatening cigna with legal action, they decided that she would be a good candidate for surgery after all, and the whole debaucle was just a mix up. it's bullshit, but the important thing is that she's got surgery dates: december 1st and 8th. my boss is being awesome about the whole situation too, cause he's letting me take as much time off as i want. i'm starting to get nervous about the procedure itself, but it's really really safe so i'm sure i'm just psyching myself out.
so emily's wedding was two weekends ago in big sur (about 50 minutes outside of monterey, california), and it was seriously perfect. wedding on the beach with the waves crashing up against the big rocks on the shore, the sun was shining, no wind, clear skies. just... breathtaking. i usually am much more cynical about weddings, but em and romen are so perfect and not in a sickening was either. i played pretty well... at least that's what i was told. the acoustics outdoors aren't especially--er, good.
the reception was at the naval base in monterey (romen was just discharged), in this huge old ballroom. we got a four course meal (vegetarian, as per the bride's instructions) and these awesome souveniers. em's dad does pottery on the side and he made these mini-pots with glaze only around the top ring so that when you light a candle inside it glows through the clay! loved it. at any rate, i had a blast and got to see everyone from calpoly, including a guy i've been friends with since my freshman year of high school. granted, it was still weird, but once i relaxed a bit i had a lot of fun. in fact, i had such a great time that ever since the wedding i've been thinking about the possibility of getting married myself (yeah, i know, it's sad). i talked with thomas a little bit, and he's a little shy of the subject as well. but it did at least establish that we're pretty much in agreement that we're done looking around. if i do get married, it will be to him. if i don't... well, people like thomas don't come around often, but i can't say "will never marry" because i don't necessarily know what is going to happen.
funnily enough, even though i'm not really in control of the situation, i'm still enjoying myself. thomas and i are in a good spot, and living together has been fantastic so far. we have stopped bickering as much and since both of us are on pretty crazy schedules, i think we are starting to appreciate each other more now. he even cooks me dinner (which is a good thing, because with my cooking skills, we'd both starve--or eat cereal for the next 50 years).
so that's basically what's been up lately. i LOVE my job, love my coworkers... i'm feeling really lucky right now. it's nice when things go your way.

thanks to the nice comments in the last journal. mom is doing okay and she's sending the calvalry (better business bureau and division of labor) after cigna insurance. in the meantime, she's on a new drug that seems to be working really well so at least there's not excessive suffering until the surgery is okayed.

um, not much else is going on... my friend emily's wedding is this sunday and i'm going to be providing the music via my viola. i've had such a good time playing it, i'd forgotten how much i'd enjoyed it. i reget having put it down three years ago, but with athletic training, there was no way i could have done both. i'm glad that i made the choice i did, but not having symphony was difficult when i was stressed out. i think i'll probably try to join a chamber group or something in this year off. i'm really going to try to stick with it this time.
after i get back from the wedding i gotta start applying to grad schools. my first app (UCSF) is due november first! augh!
which reminds me, i desperately need to sign up for the GREs. think i'll do that now. ta...

mom's surgery was denied by the insurance company yesterday. they cited two reasons: 1. they didn't feel the surgery would be of additional benefit, and 2. they didn't think that her parkinson's was severe enough to warrent surgical intervention.

wow. here's the truth...
1. the surgery she is up for improves the parkinson's, on AVERAGE, 90-100%. it has been fda approved the longest of all the possible surgeries and is by far the safest and most effective.
2. severe enough? she's on 40 pills a day, and when they crap out (as they often do), she can't even walk and talk at the same time. her neurologist described her tremor as "profound" and the insurance company didn't even blink. profound tremor doesn't warrent intervention? if one is profoundly deaf, does that not need some sort of intervention? what the fuck? she's already end stage, there's nothing else they can do for her but the surgery.

so mom threatened to go on disability, which she could, but the insurance person says, "go ahead, it's not our department, so it doesn't matter to us."

they are going to hell. i'm ready to send them there.

BULLSHIT!

for the first time, i was able to listen to "america is not the world" without cringing. sad. i actually hadn't listened to it since i listened to the album the first ten times around... and when i made a tape of it for my car i skipped the track so i wouldn't have to deal with it. i still think the lyrics were phoned in, but it's tolerable right now. for now.
in other news, i went to salem today to visit my friend ashley, who is going to law school there. she just moved a month ago and has been pestering me to come see her. i've been kind of dreading the encounter because i've felt (and perhaps this is all on my end) really uncomfortable rehashing things with her every six months, or whenever our college breaks coincided. however, i was pleasantly surprised, as we had a pretty nice afternoon. ate lunch at an indian place, then walked around downtown salem (which looks suspiciously like downtown anchorage) until we ended up seeing the movie "garden state." the movie was... well, decent. great dialogue but the love interest story was boring and cliche. the first half hour was well worth the money for a matinee though, so i'm not bitter about that anyway. after the movie we went back to her apartment and she made us tea and we chatted about old friends and crap like that.
well, i have tons of insanity left to log here, but that will have to wait until later. my cat is trying to eat my leg and i need some food as well... ta...

finally! apartment semi-clean, i have the place to myself (well, sharing it with the cat)... now i have some time to update my life a little bit.
so mom is scheduled for brain surgery on october 18th. the procedure she is getting has a 90-100% (!) success rate and the surgeon who is doing it has performed over 300 without death or disability. good track record! our whole family is stoked. she will be coming down for my birthday (two days prior), then up to oregon health sciences university for the procedure. one day in intensive care afterward, then she's good to go. i'm really looking forward to seeing mama "after"--all new and improved.
she came down last weekend for her surgical consult, then we hung out for a day in downtown portland and i got to go on a 4 hour record shopping binge. i scored a ton of great vinyl:
"the rise and fall" - madness
"disintegration" - cure
"tyrannosaurus hives" - the hives
"good news for people who like bad news" - modest mouse
the clash self titled
franz ferdinand self titled
"her majesty" - the decemberists
"hopes and fears" - keane ...all of them for under 100 dollars total. i love records! they are definitely my addiction. cheaper than piercing or tattooing too. i really like my new additions, especially the new hives record. i was actually a little disappointed with keane, but i think that's because their record had been built up too much. it's starting to grow on me now and it's good music for showering to. i like the singer's voice. he reminds me of a mix between thom yorke and rufus wainwright.
oh yeah, and i also got a copy of a slint EP from a friend, and i've been listening to it for days but i can't even finish it because it rubs me the absolute wrong way. i don't care how brilliant they may be, their music makes me numb--with boredom and annoyance. i had to listen to james afterward to clean my music palate. bleah.
last night as a stress reliever i organized all my cds and records. it took me over five hours and when i finished i felt more satisfied than i'd been in a loooooong time. and my parents thought that my investment was just a phase! heh.
thomas is more or less moved in now. the entire process was incredibly stressful and i don't relish the thought of moving to another city in a year, but for now i'm enjoying things the way they are. it's scary, merging your stuff with another person's, no matter how well you know them. it takes a huge amount of trust to do that! it's still tough living in a small space with another person as well. plus thomas doesn't work very much, as opposed to the 50+ hours i put in, seven days a week, so when i come home from a ten hour day and see him dicking around on the computer it takes every fiber of my being not to strangle him with the internet cable. grrr! still, i gotta take the good with the bad. he cooks for me a lot, which is nice because i really hate cooking. plus it takes a lot of strength to cook over a stove when it's like 100 degrees outside, so bonus to him for that. i'm sure everything will change once thomas' classes start too. one more month of summer left before his senior hell begins. poor kid.

i went to a bigassed rave a couple weeks ago in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere, but it was seriously awesome. my friend had a bunch of e that he was distributing and despite the fact that last year i vowed i would only do it once, i ate it. thomas too. right after we all ate our drugs thomas and i hiked down to my car to get all our water and gear and stuff, then went back. the thing was, the car was a solid quarter mile down a gravel and dirt road, so by the time we got back up to our friends my heart was racing and the drugs were circulating through me really fast. it was unbelievable. the forest trees were huge and the sky was perfectly clear with the biggest amount of stars i'd ever seen. seriously, i noticed it before i even took any drugs. afterwards, it just got magnified. then i started feeling really lousy and sat down for about ten minutes, feeling worse and worse until i finally popped and puked all over the place. then i felt great, hung out, etc. i threw up again another hour later but other than that it was an amazing night, completely different than when i had e a year ago. for one thing, i didn't go listen to the music much or dance at all. thomas and i kinda just walked around for several hours and spoke really candidly about our relationship and where it was going (drugs do that to you). actually, the discussion was sorely needed because we'd been really distant lately due to all my studying for my certification exam and moving issues and such. two weeks later there remains an unspoken, new connection we formed that night and it's really nice to have been so honest with each other in a consequence free environment. until then i never really realized how much i actually hold back from people. e just opened the floodgates for me, in a good way. plus, i got to see a ton of friends i used to hang out with in corvallis but who had moved away in the last six months.
the next morning, we all drove into portland to a friend's house, where we all assed out and watched movies and napped. later, in the middle of raiders of the lost ark, we all got into this discussion about who would win in a fight, han solo or indiana jones. we concluded that if there were weapons involved and they were on han's turf, han would win hands down. but in a hand to hand combat, indiana would kick ass. okay, so i guess it's not that funny of a topic now, but at the time it was great to just bullshit with my friends when we were all too tired to speak intelligently.
not much else is going on... i find out about where i'm working for the next year in four or so days. i really hope i get the job i interviewed for yesterday because it pays awesome with great benefits... seeing as though my health insurance bites the dust in october... yeah. need job.