I got moved from my current position to another position.
In 90 days, I suppose I'll be eligible for a hefty raise.
and I'm quite unhappy.

My new job title is demeaning, I lose my office, and I have to deal with people all day, and I'm now working for the hag of the office... a woman I detest who pawns her work off on everyone else.

I'm really upset, and I have to spend the rest of the day without crying here in front of everyone.

Tonight instead of enjoying an evening alone as I was scheduled, I have to go work with the damn felons for a few hours.

I'm so looking forward to my trip abroad. I'll forget about it for a bit, then remember and get myself all worked up again. Is life worth living if you don't allow yourself to obsess about pleasureable things? Life without obsession would be like living your life without allowing yourself to touch anything you saw.
Or something.
I'm far too tingly with anticipation today to make much sense.

This time, I'm definately going to SHOP in London. Last time I went I bought nothing really. I'd like to go clothes shopping this time around.

Which shops would you reccomend? Which areas?

I'm having some random thoughts today. My head feels scatty and pulled in 100 different directions. It must be that 3 weeks without a day off! The second shift person was/is MIA, so I had to work 11 hours yesterday with the felons... ALONE. It's difficult to stay on top of them for that long. My favorite one is leaving today as well. I said goodbye to him last night and he gave me a hug that I thought would crush my bones. It's such an odd cirumstance to get so attatched to these guys (some of course, not all) and have them leave, never to be seen again. This guy was a diamond in the rough. He was too sweet to be locked up. Everything really affected him. He would get so angry, and last week I let him into a private office to phone his wife (who was his co-defendant so he can't see her for something like 6 years) and he broke down and cried. I'm really gonna miss him. There's a strange dynamic that surfaces sometimes. A couple of the guys have taken on a protector sort of role with me. I would worry that it was something weak in me, but maybe it's something strong and caring in them?

In other felon news, the Smiths fan, incredibly gorgeous one who I talk to quite often about music and just general silliness said something quite shocking. He always teases me, but I take it with an entire bucketfull of salt. He's a perfectionist with quite high expectations. The time spent on whitening his damn teeth alone could be another part time job. He came over to talk to me yesterday and said 'You look really nice today'. I said thanks. I hadn't really done anything out of the way, and my trousers were wrinkled... but I just looked at him a bit oddly and smiled and thanked him. Then he leans in and says, 'You are so hot.'. Now, I'm trying to learn to take a compliment, but how do you flat out tell someone that they are WRONG? I said 'ah no, I'd have a lot of work to do for that. I am maybe kinda cute, but HOT? never' He repeated. 'Oh yes, you really are'. I dunno why his approval was such an ego boost, maybe because of his discerning taste, but I'm still totally flattered. Not to mislead you dear journal readers. I'm NOT. However, I am going to keep playing the little exchange in my mind. It made me feel really good and worthy for a little while.

Otherwise, the weekend was a blur of house counts and store trips and meals with the criminals.

I'm going to the Morrissey shows in Nashville and Louisville and I'm getting quite excited now that some U.S. show reviews are coming back. It's still not totally penetrated my brain that I'm going to the shows. Little brother is certain he can get on stage as well. He is a slippery string bean who moves as if he has no bones. He's got a good chance, if he could get a good plan. IS there any hope at a seated show?

Maybe more when I pull my thoughts together...

Unbelieveable.

Who knew dads were good at fixing this stuff?

I went to mom and dad's at lunch instead of the gym, cause I'm a bad monkey. I poured out my little trauma to Dad thinking he would tell me to quit being childish and worry about something important. But he took my side! He convinced me that I was being unreasonable and that you can't control someone else's behavior, just deal with it as it changed. He's the only person who's made me feel impressively better about this stupid little pang.

Does it still hurt? Yes, of course. It does not have that grip of fear over me anymore, though. I can let go now.

So, I'm over it then. I'm putting it away now and concentrating on bigger things.
Thanks Daddy

Just a tip for all of the Don Juan's out there:

Being rejected is a horrible feeling. It's not an inactive sadness, it's a moving, breathing, living, anxiety and sickness in your stomach. Even if you're rejected by someone that you weren't placing any stock in anyway, it still causes that creature to grow in your stomach. That feeling is awful. I would do anything to quiet it down, including acting out in very inappropriate ways.

So boys, if you say no to a girl, or break it off with her, it's best to let her believe what she wants. You trying to clarify things does not help. It only raises more questions. I would be happy to believe there's another girl. The alternative, that I'm just not good enough and being alone is preferreable, is unbearable.

Thanks for your consideration.

My oldest friend, J, has just bought a house. Good for her, right? Except that she couldn't just buy a little cottage, she had to buy a two family and rent the downstairs out. I work in housing, and I deal with landlords and slumlords all the time. I tried like hell to talk her out of it. She went for it anyway. I'm torn now. I went and saw the new place yesterday, and I really like her little apartment. It's very cute and very cozy and very her. I've got that 'new place' jealousy. YOu know how you feel whenever anyone has a new space and gets to start fresh, you feel very envious. I can deal with that. My trouble is that I just see her becoming a 'townie' and I can't stop it without looking like I'm extremely jealous of her. She's lived at home way too long so she could have a BRAND NEW car, and BUY a house instead of rent. Those are all her choices and I can get over it. Now she's dating this guy and he's so AVERAGE that it's painful. I love J and wish so much more for her, but this guy is no problems at all. She's so in love with the normalcy of it, she's never going to be able to break it off with him cause he's not done anything wrong. He's totally inoffensive, like an old pair of jeans yo never liked but there's nothing wrong with them, so you can't give them away.

Am I jealous? Yes, in some ways. Do I want what she has? no. Do I wish I could make her see without looking like a monster? yes, but it's impossible.

So now she's a home owner, dating an ugly man with little personality, a solid job, and a frequenter of all the local bars and karaoke places... and NO desire for anything more.

She's the one who taught me to want more. I'm at a loss.

I've done it! I bought the plane ticket. It's always such a tense and savory moment as you give your credit card number. You know it's really doing. The feeling is undefineable. What can I say.... I take pleasure in the smaller things in life. The first time the plane nicks over the corner of Ireland as the sun is rising.... and you realize that even from way up in the air, that it's nothing like the U.S. The first time you step outside, dying for a smoke, standing on the taxi curb at the airport and you smell it and hear it and see it, and it's so not the U.S. that you feel as if you're on an entirely different planet.
It's like when you're watching some Sci-Fi movie and the actors are supposed to be on another planet or in another dimension and for a few seconds your breath is caught because you would SWEAR you've been there before. A red desert seems strangely familiar to you.
Ahhh, Europe. It feels like real life to me.

and I'm happy for the rest of the day content in the knowledge that I'm going BACK.

Sidenote, though... Paris is off. Too much time and trouble and traveling alone and not speaking french and having to take an extra day from work without pay. It's a nice idea, but in practice it's a headache.

I cannot wait to see my friends there, and without Paris hanging over my head scaring me, I'll be free to be silly and enjoy every moment.

HUZZAH!

So, I'm headed back to dear old Blighty, I've made the final decision and my ticket is reserved good at that price until midnight tonight.

It looks like a solid 2 weeks in Europe. I may die happy now. Two Morrissey shows at home and perchance one abroad, a trip to Europe in the cards and a once again healthy kitty.

Now the trick is to convince some poor schmuk to let me STAY there and work. Any ideas? I was thinking of going at it the old way, trying to get a job and then an offer of a work visa. Underhanded and devious plots are also accepted.

I'm a tired tired pup. I don't really have any news, as of such, just strange circumstances that are really quite humdrum. One of the felons where I work broke his finger playing baseball. It's a total shattered mess requiring surgery and such. So he's in the hospital, and in reality one staff memeber should be with him at all time so that he's not out of our custody. So I spent a chunk of time sitting in his hospital room last night to avoid bringing in the sherrif and shackling him to the bed, while he enjoyed a morphine drip (morphine being his drug of choice that landed him in prison in the first place). Does everything come full circle? He's one of the guys I really like, though. He's an older guy and very cool and levelheaded and he's sort of adopted me and looks out for me. It's a backward situation, but I had a fun time listening to his stories last night. Actually, he was the father figure to the felon I had the initial affair with. He raised the boy for a number of years. So he told me for a long time how stupid I was to give in to him and that he had berated the boy for bothering me at all. What a guy!
Felons looking out for me too. What else?
I'm so tired I feel like I could die... and I work until 11pm tonight.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Sympathy please!

I am obsessing about some winking and blushing and rumors and 2 or 3 stolen kisses. Is this enough to keep me preoccupied and thinking for a week? I need to calm my self down a bit and stop making such a big deal. What is a good distraction from falling for someone?