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Friday January 11, 08
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08:18 AM - Into Prominence
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The Holidays have officially come to an end. Next week, it's back to the daily grind... the battle of life.
Over the course of the next couple weeks I'll undoubtedly be back in the United States, heel-and-toeing urban cores seawalling the American Atlantic coast. But still, in January and February these places are as bleak in aura as the ghettos they house, so I'm sure I'll find myself swimming about modern day anxiety rooted in lathered up nonage nonsense, as I try and come to terms with the adult child in me desperately shaking shadows still lingering from abandonment at birth. Being an adopted child and all the issues surrounding rejection and abandonment spawned from the get go, well... they sadly hog tie endlessly. Oh, the crosses that cripple.
That said, I've never before felt as comfortable in my own skin as I do now, in my thirties. A tad heavier than in my twenties and donning what seems to be the start of slight wrinkles on the sides of eyes no longer innocent aside, I feel at par with the general populace. Indeed, and I can walk with head held high in crowded squares, when once with better looks guising a more tormented soul, well... I'd sidewalk clock my way past you all. Youth is indeed wasted on the young. But still, even with a proper sense of self firmly glued to the ghoul that governs I'm still not quite where I thought I'd be, as issues surrounding intimacy have held my love life (and, indeed, romance in general) hostage since youth. Fear of intimacy… the last major stumbling block holding me back from a life rather sound and of course, I’ve been forced to deal with it all now, amid this over-powering intrigue. Alias? Love.
“How did this happen? My walls were up so very high?” and questions of the like constantly echoed about skull-vaulted grey matter until I came to see that said questions, at the end of the day, didn’t and don’t really matter. For whatever reason, this omni-present emotion is something I’m swimming in a sea of, and though neither she nor I want to fight it we do, which of course is terribly wrong of us, but we're both trying to navigate in this storm, and neither of us read the instructions to the GPS.
But regardless, she’s quite like I and so, well... I can only pray that our similarities keep the bulk of our differences at bay. Indeed, for beyond doubt, I can’t bare thinking about losing what I wasn’t even searching for to begin with… it’s just simply not fair. Seriously, I never asked for any of this but equally, now that the cursed emotion is in my soul and part of who I am, losing it is, well... it's not an option.
A paradox of paramount proportions!
Love, as frightening an emotion as it is, well... it's also rather liberating and I know, I just know deep down that if we can weather this turbulence we’ll land on transcendental tarmac, before we traipse our way towards the beautiful unknown.
Oh but Skittles, is she the missing piece? Well, let’s bloody hope so… I’ve not the energy to go through any of this again and, well… there simply aren’t enough years in one’s life to screw about ceaselessly. *pun intended*
No, I won’t give up on this. I won’t do as I’ve always done... I won't run. Stay and fight or flee and fall apart, again? What choice do I *really* have then? I’ve done the latter my entire life and it’s left me circle-running without a wife. I’m done with that. I’m tired of that. I want to attempt the former now. I want to stay and fight. Indeed, for as terrifying as it may be seem to be, it won’t kill me, nor will it leave me wondering: “what if I’d done things differently” , from my deathbed, alone at eighty.
So off I shall set over the next week or so an altered being. Uglier than in youth, bogged down by love yet liberated by the possibilities, I’ll head on into America alone once again. But the thing is, I don't mind. No, for even in crap places like north Jersey, with factories sporting nasty-ass pollution spawning chimneys, I'll surely see something more than grey when thinking about tomorrow, and it's about time.
Praying patience is rewarded,
Haze
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Love certainly is not something easy to jump into..Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most,if not all of us need.
Only,you can determine to make it the best Chapter of your life..
If you look at your life as a book:)
I believe that it is best to jump into it cold turkey.
Jersey,Where all the cows are?
lol Oh Now I want some of their Chocolate milk! mmm
well Keep Strong
Have a great time.
marisela