|
Saturday August 19, 06
|
|
06:50 AM - Updates
|
|
Oye Pele!
It's true, the realization I'm not a very good soccer player anymore cuffed me rather rudely, as I stood hunched, with hands on knees, gasping for beautiful air. For sure, after having given up the ball to a younger, far quicker player I looked at my watch to realize that we were only 10 minutes into the game against the bloody Girl Guides and we had already allowed for them to score on us twice! *rolls eyes* Oh, good heavens, you gullible little things... you were actually beginning to believe that load of bullocks, weren't you? Bloody hell... I'm not quite that feeble just yet! My word, give me some credit there, wont you? I mean really, if you must know the full and complete story, well... we only allowed for one goal during that time!
Okay, so that's obviously not exactly how Sunday evening went (we certainly were NOT schooled by a posse of tiny young girls with ponytails selling cookies) but seriously, I did become painfully aware of my biological mellowing and subsequently, I've come to realize I'm most definitely no longer early twenties.
Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day I need to exercise my gym membership a slight bit more so than I have done these last few months. Golfing, sailing, playing cards around a case of Keiths... these are NOT sports, they're pastimes. For sure, I was only fooling myself -- my out of date, bent-with-age lazy-ass self -- in believing otherwise. Oh beyond doubt, Sunday's soccer match between us and the Dundas lads made quick trash of any lingering falsehoods I may have had regarding the difference between relaxing with a beer on a boat and ball-busting physical pain. Indeed, if anything, this weekend awoke me to realize that I'll never, ever be physically young again. 33, not an age I'd like to be, but this is where we're at and pathetically, as a result, I've become a rather moth-eaten, miserable old nut amid dementia and, with ribbon candy in hand for ya! Stylin!
Oh pass me my slippers,
Haze
~~~~~
On Shores Unsound
Dearest love,
This was to be expected, as surely, I'd have been an even greater fool had I actually believed that finally, someone truly wanted me, once amid the sorrow of the ghost breathing inside this body. So please, do know that I completely understand and you're not crazy ~ you are not a bad person. You're simply someone wanting more out of a relationship than I can seemingly ever possibly offer. Yes and I apologize - in the same fashion I've apologized a thousand times before - for leading you to believe I could ever be something more than what I am, which is an entity unable to properly function, let alone love in an understanding fashion. My exteriors and first impressions dictated differently, I know, but as you can plainly see, I'm not worthy of anything other than viewing healthy, productive relationships from the safety of my armchair, unfortunately.
Girlfriend lost, please know that I wish you all the best. Understand that I don't begrudge you - sweetness, how could I possibly? You needing to move on and away is a story I'm utterly accustomed to. It's an antiquated tale, and it kills, yet time and time again I fall impulsively into relationships I know in my heart are doomed. I lie to myself. I make myself believe that things may actually be different knowing full well that they never will be. I fabricate to myself and to you inadvertently because inherently, I need to love and to be loved, just like the rest of humanity.
Last year, when I telephoned you, drunk and in Atlanta, I told you we were on our way towards something beautiful, something lasting. I made myself believe this and, as the words fell out of my mouth I could almost see the smile on your face. I SO wanted what I was spewing to be true, even though subconsciously I had already begun to sabotage. Blame my inability to view myself someone worthy of love, or as someone afraid of what a successful relationship entails. Blame me a thousand different ways, so long as you do come to realize that I never, ever intentionally meant to hurt you, and that I'm not a bad person.
Sweetness, you will continue on and in time you'll love again. You will have children with a charming, loving man. In time, you'll forget everything about me, including my name, which you presently curse. All that is synonymous with this emotionally erroneous pile of trash will fade from the forefront - you simply must believe this. Yes and darling girl, the world will once again seem a beautiful place when scanned by your stunning eyes. Oh and all the warmth you thought you had found in my arms will be there for you in his. I know this, and I hope it all rings true for you sooner rather than later. You don't deserve to feel as I do -- it kills me to think of the grief I've caused.
It's all over was written all over
what lipstick and eyeliner could never, ever possibly better...
Coming back from the United States that particular time last year, after having telephoned you expressing my desire to move us forward, reality began to sink in. We as "us"had ended, even though we'd only just begun exploring the possibilities. When I returned home, we went for drinks and dinner down by the lake. Oh and if you remember, it was there where you saw the dispirited energy lingering about, deep within my eyes. You took the initiative. Apparently, you realized I could never offer you stability.Yes, you were aware of this and also knew that my continuos travelling and subsequent romance with coasting the waves of time in the most extreme fashion was simply too much for you. By dinner's end it was over. I drove you home and we promised to remain friends. I've not seen or heard from you since.
Darling girl, I truly do hope you're well and as always, I'm sorry for everything. Truly, I don't know why I even bother chasing intimacy, as it's obviously SO not meant for me. I'm toxic. I should never get involved. Beyond doubt, I should remain forever alone.
Since you, there have been two others. Both lasted briefly and both moved on, once painfully aware of the fact that I'm not of much use whatsoever, once glasses empty and the party subsides. Such redundancy...it truly is criminal, don't you think? Oh, and I wish I could tell you differently. I wish that I could tell you my personal boundaries have broadened and that since our end, everything has changed - I've become complete. Unfortunately this is not the case. Nothing has changed. I'm as I always was and it's straining, draining stuff but an individual utterly undone is sadly what I was built to be, and, what I've faithfully become.
I miss you. I still desire you as well, but I'll never, ever send this letter off to you because it would be cruel and unfair to ruin your present with unnecessary thoughts of me and where I unintentionally took you. That said, I do indeed feel better having typed this all up though. Yes, I feel slightly less distressed than I did prior to venting. Still though, the pain over losing you still lingers heavily and sadly, our journey together will forever live with me, reminding me, continuously, of just how detached I'll forever be, from a beautifully deep, much needed intimacy. ...and so, summer is slowly slipping away, once more. The mornings are not quite as hot as they were a mere month ago (though the days are just as searing) and ever so gently, that crisp autumnal air forever associated with the start of the new school year is blowing its way into the days. Within the month, it will feel like Fall, a season with which I have a rather beautiful connection, and, a season littered with memories of you. On that, this is just the beginning of what will undoubtedly be my fall, this particular autumn.
Oh I'd give anything to be in my twenties again, drunk and in Barcelona again.
Anyway, if you see me in a new car next spring, please.. don't key the paint!
I'll think of you when I'm sailing,
Haze
~~~~~
Annihilation Looms
Reflecting back over a brief trip to Washington D.C last autumn I've been seriously pondering what was discussed between a gentleman of high rank in the U.S military and myself. See, over drinks in the Hotel Carlisle lounge/bar we chatted, and recalling what was said, I can't help but wonder whether or not humanity will survive to see 2020 because seemingly, we're utterly doomed.
Yes beyond doubt, collectively, we're SO very, terribly far away from a conscious contact with all that is ethereal and in my opinion, this harsh fact is simply suicide in slow-mo. I mean really, just take a look at where were at, presently.
Air raid alerts roar throughout Lebanese municipalities at the same time CNN broadcasters show footage of bunker buster bombs blotting out terrorist camps in Afghan regions desperate and desolate. This, as reports the U.K raised its security concerns to heights unseen since the end of the 2nd World War, and, the Shanghai Co-Operative Organization (SCO) - which is fast becoming a rival to NATO - ponders placing Iran alongside China and Russia as a full on member nation. Seriously, what's happening with us? Israel is amid its most devastating military conflict in 30 years, some analysts even predicting it the 1st battle in the 3rd World War, and London's Heathrow was all but shut down after a sweeping terrorist plot was squashed - ten planes were to be destroyed mid-air? Hell, even Oliver Stone and that awful actor, Nick Cage, are attempting cashing in on the sociological wounds rooted in the ruble of 9/11 with the release of their film World Trade Center for Christ's sake. I mean really, collectively, we're quickly racing our way towards the end of civilization as we know it, and sadly, none of the people able to avoid this dark reality seem to want to change humanity's course.
So the icecaps will continue to melt and people will sit on the sidelines cheering on either Arab terrorists or Israel - not realizing both sides are wrong. Still others will tune into FOX News and ignorantly ponder whether America will invade Cuba in the face of Castro's ill health. Indeed, with a cushion under duff and cookie crumbs about laps our kind will perish before our very own eyes. Yes and we'll end up watching it all, from the comfort of our living rooms, on big screen televisions. Sadly, we'll all be stars in the worst of bad reality T.V shows. It's true, and pathetically, nations and corporations will carry on, donning their tired old ways by raising gas prices and fattening wallets, securing their futures economically as environmentally, spiritually and even physically we collectively continue to die.
We won't be able to continue on much longer - something will happen, either atmospherically through global warming, or militarily. Either way, we're going to redefine catastrophic. I mean really, this "wacky" weather we're all soaking up, do you think its something that will pass; that these last few years have been strange for some unknown reason? If so, you're sickeningly ill informed. Summer weather has changed forever. The nasty, sticky heat that almost cooks the skin is a direct result of industry destroying our surroundings and it's only going to get hotter and hotter to the point where we'll be dropping like flies. Each year, the earth's temperature will continue to climb and the Ozone layer will wear thinner and thinner. Seriously, and this isn't a prediction, it's a reality. The earth is already a few degrees warmer than it should be and consequently, some life forms have had to pay the ultimate price. So yeah, existence will be hellish within a mere 10-15 years, if we even survive another 15 years. Seriously, something must been done NOW, if we want to live on. Oh we may have caused irreparable damage to our beloved earth, but that doesn't mean we have to make things even worse, does it?
Yes and these bloody wars... if we don't stop and realize that we need to learn how to practice patience and tolerance, the gun will kill us before the sun.
So yeah, to summarize, in the three decades that I've resided on this blue dot I don't think that the world has ever been as unstable as it is presently. Truly, even September 11th 2001, though it was indeed a new chapter horrifically spawned, wasn't quite as frightening a time as present, on an international level. Perhaps this is because since then, not only have the events of that sad day been etched into our collective conscience, but also, so too has everything else that has happened since. Indeed, another half decade since 9/11 of wars and death... well, it makes for a poisonous mix.
Thoughts to save our lives:
We need to learn that we're all in this together; that everyone is part of everything and that everything is simply one.
Done.
|
|
Nice to read your journal again. Sorry you're by haunted by memories. Heres to replacing them with new ones soon