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Saturday July 15, 06
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09:50 AM - Phantasmal Cries
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I’ve lived my entire life feeling either better than or worse than everyone else. Indeed, until just very recently I’ve never, ever perceived myself at par with the general populace. On subway platforms and grocery stores, wherever, I’ve drifted through life an outsider, but with conviction I can honestly say not for a moment longer. Something has changed over the last while. Something has touched me very deeply on levels within me I’d never before even known existed. It’s very strange and as a direct result of these emotions cementing onto me spiritually, phantasmal cries for an existence filled with something more than gloom, isolation and a subscription to “Monkeys on Ice” can no longer be muted. Undeniably, I feel so very much a part of everything.
It’s funny, lately I’ve been thinking of what my father once told me after having discussed spirituality with him. He told me that we are all separate waves, but spawned from a single sea. Such a beautiful analogy, and a lovely way to view existence and how everything is interconnected. Truly, I love that man.
Regardless, these last few weeks have opened my eyes. A death in the family and subsequent realization that life is beautiful -- albeit brief -- has gotten me thinking outside of realms I’ve been accustomed to. In short, I’ve come to realize that I was living a life ill. My designs centered around focusing on tomorrows that never once materialized as planned and, consequently, the present always slipped away without observation. Last year I was absorbed in intellectualizing the power of the Now and simply understanding its importance on a psychological level. Adversely, this year I feel its importance on an emotional one. Patience is key. Taking time to inhale atmospheric splendor and realizing that 95% of worries never come to pass are inspiring designs for life, and believe me, when burying a family member an awesome awareness of one’s own mortality can take over, leaving one pondering his or her own motives in life. Sad to realize it takes death to appreciate life, but no-one ever said that this existence was skittles and sunshine all the time.
But yeah, so much time has been spent spinning over lost causes, wallowing in self-pity and intoxicating to numb. So much time has been lost fighting struggles unnecessarily spawned. Indeed, I’ve oft sat listless as days, months and even years pass by and it’s frightening to think, but I’m not alone. Most people view life through the windows of a mental slammer. As a result, most people inevitably reflect from the deathbed stunned, wondering how the hell they went from wide-eyed and youthful to disenfranchised dinosaurs. Just a few blinks and our time on earth is done. We perish. Father Time waits for not a single soul.
When I was younger I used to think that material possessions were the proper measure of true happiness. I used to think that the more toys one had the more contented they must be. Subsequently, I worked towards achieving material wealth. Oh it took some time mind you, but I did eventually find myself on a road leading to a point in my life where cash for anything I could ever possibly want would simply not be an issue. Truly, with what I’ve been doing, if I continue on and invest properly, I could retire extremely well off. But with that said, none of any of it has made me very happy. All the travelling and all the partying - it hasn’t filled the void within. So yeah, that road... well, I’ve pulled off and into a rest area. I need a break from obsessing about all the wrong things. Really, what am I rushing to attain? I mean, if nothing that I’ve been doing up to present has made me truly happy, why should I continue plowing forward? In short I shouldn’t, so I won’t. I won’t run the risk of suffering a nervous breakdown or an exploded ulcer over a few dollars. Money will always be there for the taking, so why should I rush forward and miss the present in my pursuit of some pathetic, erroneous future? Oh beyond doubt financial freedom will surely come, but what good will it be to me if I’m amid some deep depression, and unable to look at my own reflection?
That all said, with a burial summer has announced itself in full swing and with that, thoughts of events earlier this year in America have begun to diminish in importance. Some things just aren’t worth the Niagara. I’ve my health and a promising future, so why should I dwell on all that can’t be changed? Why should I bother the mind with troublesome chatter that does nothing but deprive the essence of the beauty in the immediate?
Ah selflessness… there’s a beautiful paradox to that. By soaking up surroundings, becoming a better listener, more compassionate friend and all that jazz, one will find oneself getting outside themselves and subsequently they'll be beside themselves because without knowing it they'll of bettered themselves! Huh? Nevermind.
So right, I need to take some time to work on myself. I need to step outside of my old ways. The Dominican Republic vacation just recently taken did nothing to nourish the soul; it simply catered to my appetite for hedonistic absurdity. Oh yeah it’s totally fair to say that in this life I’ve been searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong things. Time for a change. Indeed, when looking at the larger picture one can clearly see that life is simply too precious to toss away concentrating on things that truly don’t matter.
Done.
The malady lingers,
Sullen
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Her book has such passages, Sullen, similar to your Dad's analogy - the book sweeps one along like a drop mingled amongst many drops that become waves upon a vast sea.
Indeed, when I read The Waves it reminded me of my own East Indian spiritual beliefs which attracted me back in high school.
Oh, but I still need to read the book you'd recommended, its name escapes me now - but I think you recall the one.
I want to comment more, so I'll be back later on as I'm about to dash out into a lovely summer's day.