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Saturday January 12, 08
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09:45 AM - On and On
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Dear lord, I just came to realize that in some capacity or other I've been coming here on and off for about 6.5 years. Be it all the way back to pre-summer 2004 as Haze, or since as Sullen and with - at times - many, many months of complete and utter disengagement from this place, when all is said and done Morrissey-Solo has been in my life for roughly one out of every five days I've been alive. Scary.
When I first started posting here it was pre-9/11. The World Trade Center was still standing, Donald "the Duke Of Death" Rumsfeld was still relevant, Saddam was alive, a war in Iraq and America's subsequent quagmire on the ground was something no-one dared dream possible, Morrissey had all but vanished from the face of the earth and not a single soul knew of or cared about the likes of Paris Hilton. They were simpler times, though from any one of my woe-is-me blogs from back in the day you'd of never known this. ;) God, how the waves of time drown us.
Where has all the time gone, anyway? What will become of us in another 6.5 years? Frightening to think, but I highly doubt the world will be anything like what it is now. I mean we're definitely in for some drastic re-shaping of the way we collectively pulse and something tells me Morrissey-Solo won't be around at that point for us to express how we feel about any of it. We never really appreciate what we have until it's gone. A cliche? Of course, but then again what isn't?
Regardless, you can blame our inability to mute what screams at us mentally for our lack of appreciating where we're at presently. See, people never seem to live in the moment because they're too busy pondering all that isn't, and, subsequently they only get to view their present in the rear-view, ironically. Over half a decade has passed us all by and when looking back over old journal entries, well... all I see are words and erstwhile thoughts smoke screening former present moments. Human existence... such a cruel, cruel joke.
Truly, I need to think and write less so I can live more.
On the shape-shifting shores of timelessness the hourglass sand lands,
Haze
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Friday January 11, 08
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09:18 AM - Into Prominence
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The Holidays have officially come to an end. Next week, it's back to the daily grind... the battle of life.
Over the course of the next couple weeks I'll undoubtedly be back in the United States, heel-and-toeing urban cores seawalling the American Atlantic coast. But still, in January and February these places are as bleak in aura as the ghettos they house, so I'm sure I'll find myself swimming about modern day anxiety rooted in lathered up nonage nonsense, as I try and come to terms with the adult child in me desperately shaking shadows still lingering from abandonment at birth. Being an adopted child and all the issues surrounding rejection and abandonment spawned from the get go, well... they sadly hog tie endlessly. Oh, the crosses that cripple.
That said, I've never before felt as comfortable in my own skin as I do now, in my thirties. A tad heavier than in my twenties and donning what seems to be the start of slight wrinkles on the sides of eyes no longer innocent aside, I feel at par with the general populace. Indeed, and I can walk with head held high in crowded squares, when once with better looks guising a more tormented soul, well... I'd sidewalk clock my way past you all. Youth is indeed wasted on the young. But still, even with a proper sense of self firmly glued to the ghoul that governs I'm still not quite where I thought I'd be, as issues surrounding intimacy have held my love life (and, indeed, romance in general) hostage since youth. Fear of intimacy… the last major stumbling block holding me back from a life rather sound and of course, I’ve been forced to deal with it all now, amid this over-powering intrigue. Alias? Love.
“How did this happen? My walls were up so very high?” and questions of the like constantly echoed about skull-vaulted grey matter until I came to see that said questions, at the end of the day, didn’t and don’t really matter. For whatever reason, this omni-present emotion is something I’m swimming in a sea of, and though neither she nor I want to fight it we do, which of course is terribly wrong of us, but we're both trying to navigate in this storm, and neither of us read the instructions to the GPS.
But regardless, she’s quite like I and so, well... I can only pray that our similarities keep the bulk of our differences at bay. Indeed, for beyond doubt, I can’t bare thinking about losing what I wasn’t even searching for to begin with… it’s just simply not fair. Seriously, I never asked for any of this but equally, now that the cursed emotion is in my soul and part of who I am, losing it is, well... it's not an option.
A paradox of paramount proportions!
Love, as frightening an emotion as it is, well... it's also rather liberating and I know, I just know deep down that if we can weather this turbulence we’ll land on transcendental tarmac, before we traipse our way towards the beautiful unknown.
Oh but Skittles, is she the missing piece? Well, let’s bloody hope so… I’ve not the energy to go through any of this again and, well… there simply aren’t enough years in one’s life to screw about ceaselessly. *pun intended*
No, I won’t give up on this. I won’t do as I’ve always done... I won't run. Stay and fight or flee and fall apart, again? What choice do I *really* have then? I’ve done the latter my entire life and it’s left me circle-running without a wife. I’m done with that. I’m tired of that. I want to attempt the former now. I want to stay and fight. Indeed, for as terrifying as it may be seem to be, it won’t kill me, nor will it leave me wondering: “what if I’d done things differently” , from my deathbed, alone at eighty.
So off I shall set over the next week or so an altered being. Uglier than in youth, bogged down by love yet liberated by the possibilities, I’ll head on into America alone once again. But the thing is, I don't mind. No, for even in crap places like north Jersey, with factories sporting nasty-ass pollution spawning chimneys, I'll surely see something more than grey when thinking about tomorrow, and it's about time.
Praying patience is rewarded,
Haze
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Monday January 07, 08
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04:15 AM - Crushing Barnes and Noble
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People need to read more. Seriously, I know far too much about television shows I've never even seen thanks to slack-jawed knuckle draggers going off about utterly forgettable characters from terribly forgettable shows.
But you know, even they can be forgiven. Indeed, however those who can't be forgiven are commercial quoting cretins in Family Guy pajama bottoms, because that's just going too far. Truly, such people need to perish via beats from a rather large plasma!
I long for the days when poets were rock stars...
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Sunday January 06, 08
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08:39 AM - Oratory of Old
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Onto a pulpit, seasoned and decaying I climb in order to trumpet disparagement, simply because I've absolutely nothing else to do. '08, and resolutions have already been hatched and broken, as has a new year with revelry in tandem. Five days in and I'm already sick thinking of the next 360... sheer misery.
An atmospheric armageddon is in the cards and to those who can't see that we're headed towards such an end, well... to them I say please re-think your theories about the earth being flat and at the centre of the universe. Insane to think, but tomorrow it's to be 15C, which is simply unheard of. A couple days ago it was minus that same number. So in three days we'll be experiencing a 30C change in the weather, which is frightening. But volumes can be read on the subject by people far more articulate and knowledgable than I, so I shall digress and move from what's before my eyes to what's dancing about in front of my mind's eye, so-to-speak.
Loss of self.
A penny for your thoughts? Do be more original. But if you must know, being wise beyond your years in some ways yet sardined with inexperiences in others is about as padded cell worthy as a pop princess named Britney and, undoubtedly, it'll cripple your insides in quite the same fashion hearing about the French winning at anything other than a cheese eating contest would. Huh? You heard me. *Only half joking*
Truly, I feel completely and utterly outside my skin these days and in ways unlike I've ever felt before. It's not dementia, but rather a phantasmal pummeling, compliments of time's pendulum swinging and striking at speeds rather excessive and alien to me. So many situations, good and bad are volleyed my way any given day and before I've a chance to digest any of it I'm bombarded by a cannonade of newly spawned scenarios rank with resin from yesterday's unresolved issues. Lunacy in bloody over-drive I swear it all is, and don't think about checking out the wreckage in the rear-view either, for someone's slipped that weird-ass carnival mirrored maze crap in place of the stuff you've grown accustomed to, so even what's now behind is forever altered. Brutal, brutal stuff but you know, there's absolutely no bloody way off this ride and so, onward and upward we all must head, if only until presenile dementia takes hold, inadvertently unshackling the ghoul within and placing its taxing demons to bed for good.
Indeed... barrel forth insanity, if only to save me spiritually and, of course, emotionally!!
Trudging slowly over beaches of emotional and psychological quicksand until the end,
the dustiest of shadows
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Saturday December 02, 06
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08:53 AM - Victoria's Secret
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Missing you all and wanting to share my last few weeks. Below, I've copied my most recent myspace blog entry for you all. If ever you want to find me, please don't be shy, I'm at myspace.com/deathwrites
love to all,
Haze/Sullen
~~~~~
Anticipating a week or so of the same old, same old I packed for my trip naively thinking it was to be just another jaunt across this country, but it wasn't. No, instead, what I found whilst amid the majesty of ancient mountains and the dazzling cityscapes of this nation's western towns was an awesome awareness of just how detached I truly am from all I thought I was. Undeniably, I'm not the liberated, well-rounded sock puppet I had previously believed myself to be, but as of my typing this, it's all okay because I've also come to realize all that eludes me presently can be acquired rather easily – I just have to allow myself to trust my instincts.
Oh tipping back a few with a European back-packer in a pub rank with a neo-hippie vibe, dropping e with an Irish girl in her dormitory or having coffee with an American poet…such things, they truly can (and will) open one's eyes to just how brilliant life can be. Ah yes, but equally, they can (and will) leave one wondering whether they've past their best before date without having noticed it.
I touched down in Calgary first and I swear, it's probably added a few hundred thousand to its population just in the eight months since I last visited there. Calgary is a metropolis in the making, and it's all due to oil money; there's so much of it in that province. Everything is new. Suburbs are being built faster than I can spit at my own reflection and there's no shortage of work. Truly, in my opinion Calgary (and to a lesser extent Edmonton) are amongst an elite group of areas in the western world still on the rise. Oh yeah and it's all so very inspiring to behold, especially when you've traveled inner-cities in the United States of America, which are nearly all decaying crack 'hoods hounded steadily by whores in fishnets. But anyway, it's been predicted that in the next five to ten years Canada will be the biggest oil producing nation on earth, thanks to the oil sands north of Edmonton, in Ft. Mc Murray, so the wealth and growth rate is completely understandable.
Next stop was Banff (where the pictures I posted were shot) and the mountain ranges leading me into Vancouver. Insane! Seriously, mountain people are as wild as the massive rocks surrounding them.
Anyway, after days arguing over the telephone with work in Toronto I decided that I needed some downtime so I went to a sports pub to catch the hockey game and to have dinner, in the suburbs of Vancouver. Yeah and it was there, it was there where I was suddenly hit heavy with an over-powering sense of loneliness and so I decided I was going to get completely and utterly sloshed, which is something I hadn't done for months. To continue, I sat, text messaged friends in Toronto and drank. I drank; text messaged, talked on my phone and wrote poems on bar napkins… it was all so very necessary. Soon enough though, I became bored of it all so I asked the bartender where there was to go with a slight bit more punch than where we were. He telephoned a taxi for me and before I knew it I was at an after-hours club with yet another drink in my hand.
Long story short, an exchange student from Ireland and I ended up at her place, which was at a dorm off campus in this rather student friendly neighbourhood. High on ecstasy as good as the late '90's rave "e" I once used to love, we ended up naked in her hot tub, tripping as trippers do, and it was only after it all that I realized just how beautifully surreal it all was. I felt young again, for the first time in some time, and it had everything to do with this university girl and the double-stack pills we took. Truly, it was an evening I won't soon forget – definitely one for the books.
The next day I was rushing about Vancouver, seeing it all for the first time since I had lived there at the turn of the century – very strange. So many memories, and each of the neighbourhoods I roamed in the coastal rain bathed me in all I was, a mere six years ago. As I walked on I began to feel invisible, like I was just another tourist, and that killed me. Truly, the romance I had with Vancouver whilst living there in the '90's had disappeared and I swear, I was seeing the city through eyes unbiased, and in a sense for the first time. No triumphant return for yours truly and seriously, where did I get the ego in thinking the red carpet should've been unraveled before me? I'm just another person, just another corpse with pulse and nothing more, so why should Vancouver care whether I was there or not?
Anyway, I met that Saturday evening with a poet friend of mine, and of course, my evening the night before was the main topic of conversation. So right, he told me that it's not that strange a scenario and that for me to think it was just went to show how I've changed. He told me I'd become a victim of society… the usual outsider justification crap, but to this day I see it all as me trying to re-live what is now forever gone. Either way, as great is it was, it's just not what I feel comfortable in doing, or being anymore. Does this mean I've become a wintry soul unsound, or not? I dunno, but if I am, at least it tags me something more than nothing.
Victoria, B.C made me realize that Canada is elegantly beautiful, as much as it is beautiful naturally. Such a charming city and one that I didn't want to leave. But of course I did, and as I rested myself up against the rail of the ship taking me back into English Bay I swear I saw a Killer whale in the distance, and for some strange reason, a tear came to my eye. Oh and the obvious parallels between myself and that other solitary mammal shadowing sundown in a cold and endless sea spawned the realization I'm alone, doing what I love, and probably always will be. The crisp breeze over the ocean at sunset… utter agony!
In Edmonton, a few hundred km's north east of Victoria and on the other side of the Rocky Mountains, is where I stationed myself the following Monday. Work had me there for reasons they hadn't apparently shared with their contacts in said city and consequently, I looked like a bloody idiot in the eyes of strangers wondering what I was doing in their presence. Of course, I ragged out my contacts once again in Toronto and stormed off and into the Edmonton nightlife. Again I got drunk, using every reason I could think of as a form of justification for my actions, and ended up loaded at a casino in the city's north end.
I awoke in my hotel hung-over, sick and just simply tired. I was getting rundown, vexed, bored and extremely lonely – it may have been a good thing I missed meeting my online friend Lucretia that night. Seriously, my drinking was becoming a habit this trip, which terrified me immensely, and I knew something was going to give, sooner rather than later. For certain, all the interesting people I meet, party with or even sleep with, well… they're out of my life the second I awake the next morning, though they linger at the forefront of my thoughts, at times for years. Truly, I'm not a heartless, globetrotting drunk, hell-bent on ruining the lives of those around me as I drown myself numb, though I understand it does appear as though I am.
So anyway, I traveled back to Calgary that evening and met with a co-worker who, if you asked him, I'm sure would say he knows more than God himself. It was no kind of fun, but he did take me for dinner at Hooter's (a place I'd never been before) so he wasn't exactly Lucifer under the guise of Les Nessman. Afterwards, I was off and alone, so I drank again, in a small pub in a styishly re-developed industrial area of the downtown core. I simply felt vile, exhausted and frightened over not knowing what I want anymore. Seriously, I needed outside of my own mind, so I started a rather animated conversation about literature with someone I exchanged myspace info with, who was sat at the table next to me. Anyway, on that, Sean, if you're reading, I quite enjoyed our talk. After that I escaped back to my hotel, drank some more and pondered my immediate future with a company pulling me in a thousand different directions. Yes, and I began to feel quite ill as a result and subsequently, I began to crumble under the multiple layers of anxiety I was feeling... it was all quite horrible stuff!
Anyway, a few days later the trip was over. I returned back to Burlington (just outside Toronto) and was asked, straight away, to do Montreal. I told the company I needed some time home, which they couldn't understand, so I quit.
I can't do it anymore. This trip opened my eyes to realize that no matter how much I see or do, it's never going to be enough. So if I can't deal with more, maybe I should fit less on for size. That's it, it's just that simple. Everything I do, everything… it's all done on freakishly large scales, and it can't be healthy. Partying hard with drinks, blow and ecstacy, travelling endlessly, having and losing women… it's all so very, terribly taxing stuff, and I'm running out of steam. Oh but strange thing though, as much as I hate being away, coming home to an empty house is just as depressing, so this is why I'm feeling as I am.
But regardless... this is the life I've designed, the life I've cherished and the life I've despised, and, it's unfortunately the only life I know, so in spite of it all I must push forth, open to change yet at the same time regretting nothing but perhaps my lunch today, which is not sitting right, thanks to shot nerves and bad mayo... such a brutal combo!
That all said, this Christmas shall be spent in old school fashion -- no more Christmas' spent as they have been in recent years, at pubs with friends, instead of home with family. I shall simply relax this month, re-connect with old friends and sleep long sleeps on my newly purchased queen-size mattress. Indeed, I need to stay anchored in my surroundings for this Christmas season, and if come January I'm not climbing the wall, well… I'll know that there was a brilliant reason for doing all I did this Fall.
Oh it's true, I need to know if my heart belongs anywhere, rather than simply everywhere…
As mad as life itself,
Haze
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Saturday August 19, 06
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07:50 AM - Updates
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Oye Pele!
It's true, the realization I'm not a very good soccer player anymore cuffed me rather rudely, as I stood hunched, with hands on knees, gasping for beautiful air. For sure, after having given up the ball to a younger, far quicker player I looked at my watch to realize that we were only 10 minutes into the game against the bloody Girl Guides and we had already allowed for them to score on us twice! *rolls eyes* Oh, good heavens, you gullible little things... you were actually beginning to believe that load of bullocks, weren't you? Bloody hell... I'm not quite that feeble just yet! My word, give me some credit there, wont you? I mean really, if you must know the full and complete story, well... we only allowed for one goal during that time!
Okay, so that's obviously not exactly how Sunday evening went (we certainly were NOT schooled by a posse of tiny young girls with ponytails selling cookies) but seriously, I did become painfully aware of my biological mellowing and subsequently, I've come to realize I'm most definitely no longer early twenties.
Anyway, I suppose what I'm trying to say is that at the end of the day I need to exercise my gym membership a slight bit more so than I have done these last few months. Golfing, sailing, playing cards around a case of Keiths... these are NOT sports, they're pastimes. For sure, I was only fooling myself -- my out of date, bent-with-age lazy-ass self -- in believing otherwise. Oh beyond doubt, Sunday's soccer match between us and the Dundas lads made quick trash of any lingering falsehoods I may have had regarding the difference between relaxing with a beer on a boat and ball-busting physical pain. Indeed, if anything, this weekend awoke me to realize that I'll never, ever be physically young again. 33, not an age I'd like to be, but this is where we're at and pathetically, as a result, I've become a rather moth-eaten, miserable old nut amid dementia and, with ribbon candy in hand for ya! Stylin!
Oh pass me my slippers,
Haze
~~~~~
On Shores Unsound
Dearest love,
This was to be expected, as surely, I'd have been an even greater fool had I actually believed that finally, someone truly wanted me, once amid the sorrow of the ghost breathing inside this body. So please, do know that I completely understand and you're not crazy ~ you are not a bad person. You're simply someone wanting more out of a relationship than I can seemingly ever possibly offer. Yes and I apologize - in the same fashion I've apologized a thousand times before - for leading you to believe I could ever be something more than what I am, which is an entity unable to properly function, let alone love in an understanding fashion. My exteriors and first impressions dictated differently, I know, but as you can plainly see, I'm not worthy of anything other than viewing healthy, productive relationships from the safety of my armchair, unfortunately.
Girlfriend lost, please know that I wish you all the best. Understand that I don't begrudge you - sweetness, how could I possibly? You needing to move on and away is a story I'm utterly accustomed to. It's an antiquated tale, and it kills, yet time and time again I fall impulsively into relationships I know in my heart are doomed. I lie to myself. I make myself believe that things may actually be different knowing full well that they never will be. I fabricate to myself and to you inadvertently because inherently, I need to love and to be loved, just like the rest of humanity.
Last year, when I telephoned you, drunk and in Atlanta, I told you we were on our way towards something beautiful, something lasting. I made myself believe this and, as the words fell out of my mouth I could almost see the smile on your face. I SO wanted what I was spewing to be true, even though subconsciously I had already begun to sabotage. Blame my inability to view myself someone worthy of love, or as someone afraid of what a successful relationship entails. Blame me a thousand different ways, so long as you do come to realize that I never, ever intentionally meant to hurt you, and that I'm not a bad person.
Sweetness, you will continue on and in time you'll love again. You will have children with a charming, loving man. In time, you'll forget everything about me, including my name, which you presently curse. All that is synonymous with this emotionally erroneous pile of trash will fade from the forefront - you simply must believe this. Yes and darling girl, the world will once again seem a beautiful place when scanned by your stunning eyes. Oh and all the warmth you thought you had found in my arms will be there for you in his. I know this, and I hope it all rings true for you sooner rather than later. You don't deserve to feel as I do -- it kills me to think of the grief I've caused.
It's all over was written all over
what lipstick and eyeliner could never, ever possibly better...
Coming back from the United States that particular time last year, after having telephoned you expressing my desire to move us forward, reality began to sink in. We as "us"had ended, even though we'd only just begun exploring the possibilities. When I returned home, we went for drinks and dinner down by the lake. Oh and if you remember, it was there where you saw the dispirited energy lingering about, deep within my eyes. You took the initiative. Apparently, you realized I could never offer you stability.Yes, you were aware of this and also knew that my continuos travelling and subsequent romance with coasting the waves of time in the most extreme fashion was simply too much for you. By dinner's end it was over. I drove you home and we promised to remain friends. I've not seen or heard from you since.
Darling girl, I truly do hope you're well and as always, I'm sorry for everything. Truly, I don't know why I even bother chasing intimacy, as it's obviously SO not meant for me. I'm toxic. I should never get involved. Beyond doubt, I should remain forever alone.
Since you, there have been two others. Both lasted briefly and both moved on, once painfully aware of the fact that I'm not of much use whatsoever, once glasses empty and the party subsides. Such redundancy...it truly is criminal, don't you think? Oh, and I wish I could tell you differently. I wish that I could tell you my personal boundaries have broadened and that since our end, everything has changed - I've become complete. Unfortunately this is not the case. Nothing has changed. I'm as I always was and it's straining, draining stuff but an individual utterly undone is sadly what I was built to be, and, what I've faithfully become.
I miss you. I still desire you as well, but I'll never, ever send this letter off to you because it would be cruel and unfair to ruin your present with unnecessary thoughts of me and where I unintentionally took you. That said, I do indeed feel better having typed this all up though. Yes, I feel slightly less distressed than I did prior to venting. Still though, the pain over losing you still lingers heavily and sadly, our journey together will forever live with me, reminding me, continuously, of just how detached I'll forever be, from a beautifully deep, much needed intimacy. ...and so, summer is slowly slipping away, once more. The mornings are not quite as hot as they were a mere month ago (though the days are just as searing) and ever so gently, that crisp autumnal air forever associated with the start of the new school year is blowing its way into the days. Within the month, it will feel like Fall, a season with which I have a rather beautiful connection, and, a season littered with memories of you. On that, this is just the beginning of what will undoubtedly be my fall, this particular autumn.
Oh I'd give anything to be in my twenties again, drunk and in Barcelona again.
Anyway, if you see me in a new car next spring, please.. don't key the paint!
I'll think of you when I'm sailing,
Haze
~~~~~
Annihilation Looms
Reflecting back over a brief trip to Washington D.C last autumn I've been seriously pondering what was discussed between a gentleman of high rank in the U.S military and myself. See, over drinks in the Hotel Carlisle lounge/bar we chatted, and recalling what was said, I can't help but wonder whether or not humanity will survive to see 2020 because seemingly, we're utterly doomed.
Yes beyond doubt, collectively, we're SO very, terribly far away from a conscious contact with all that is ethereal and in my opinion, this harsh fact is simply suicide in slow-mo. I mean really, just take a look at where were at, presently.
Air raid alerts roar throughout Lebanese municipalities at the same time CNN broadcasters show footage of bunker buster bombs blotting out terrorist camps in Afghan regions desperate and desolate. This, as reports the U.K raised its security concerns to heights unseen since the end of the 2nd World War, and, the Shanghai Co-Operative Organization (SCO) - which is fast becoming a rival to NATO - ponders placing Iran alongside China and Russia as a full on member nation. Seriously, what's happening with us? Israel is amid its most devastating military conflict in 30 years, some analysts even predicting it the 1st battle in the 3rd World War, and London's Heathrow was all but shut down after a sweeping terrorist plot was squashed - ten planes were to be destroyed mid-air? Hell, even Oliver Stone and that awful actor, Nick Cage, are attempting cashing in on the sociological wounds rooted in the ruble of 9/11 with the release of their film World Trade Center for Christ's sake. I mean really, collectively, we're quickly racing our way towards the end of civilization as we know it, and sadly, none of the people able to avoid this dark reality seem to want to change humanity's course.
So the icecaps will continue to melt and people will sit on the sidelines cheering on either Arab terrorists or Israel - not realizing both sides are wrong. Still others will tune into FOX News and ignorantly ponder whether America will invade Cuba in the face of Castro's ill health. Indeed, with a cushion under duff and cookie crumbs about laps our kind will perish before our very own eyes. Yes and we'll end up watching it all, from the comfort of our living rooms, on big screen televisions. Sadly, we'll all be stars in the worst of bad reality T.V shows. It's true, and pathetically, nations and corporations will carry on, donning their tired old ways by raising gas prices and fattening wallets, securing their futures economically as environmentally, spiritually and even physically we collectively continue to die.
We won't be able to continue on much longer - something will happen, either atmospherically through global warming, or militarily. Either way, we're going to redefine catastrophic. I mean really, this "wacky" weather we're all soaking up, do you think its something that will pass; that these last few years have been strange for some unknown reason? If so, you're sickeningly ill informed. Summer weather has changed forever. The nasty, sticky heat that almost cooks the skin is a direct result of industry destroying our surroundings and it's only going to get hotter and hotter to the point where we'll be dropping like flies. Each year, the earth's temperature will continue to climb and the Ozone layer will wear thinner and thinner. Seriously, and this isn't a prediction, it's a reality. The earth is already a few degrees warmer than it should be and consequently, some life forms have had to pay the ultimate price. So yeah, existence will be hellish within a mere 10-15 years, if we even survive another 15 years. Seriously, something must been done NOW, if we want to live on. Oh we may have caused irreparable damage to our beloved earth, but that doesn't mean we have to make things even worse, does it?
Yes and these bloody wars... if we don't stop and realize that we need to learn how to practice patience and tolerance, the gun will kill us before the sun.
So yeah, to summarize, in the three decades that I've resided on this blue dot I don't think that the world has ever been as unstable as it is presently. Truly, even September 11th 2001, though it was indeed a new chapter horrifically spawned, wasn't quite as frightening a time as present, on an international level. Perhaps this is because since then, not only have the events of that sad day been etched into our collective conscience, but also, so too has everything else that has happened since. Indeed, another half decade since 9/11 of wars and death... well, it makes for a poisonous mix.
Thoughts to save our lives:
We need to learn that we're all in this together; that everyone is part of everything and that everything is simply one.
Done.
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Monday July 24, 06
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10:25 AM - Crashpad Chronicles
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http://www.myspace.com/deathwrites
Eternally afflicted,
Haze
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Saturday July 15, 06
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10:50 AM - Phantasmal Cries
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I’ve lived my entire life feeling either better than or worse than everyone else. Indeed, until just very recently I’ve never, ever perceived myself at par with the general populace. On subway platforms and grocery stores, wherever, I’ve drifted through life an outsider, but with conviction I can honestly say not for a moment longer. Something has changed over the last while. Something has touched me very deeply on levels within me I’d never before even known existed. It’s very strange and as a direct result of these emotions cementing onto me spiritually, phantasmal cries for an existence filled with something more than gloom, isolation and a subscription to “Monkeys on Ice” can no longer be muted. Undeniably, I feel so very much a part of everything.
It’s funny, lately I’ve been thinking of what my father once told me after having discussed spirituality with him. He told me that we are all separate waves, but spawned from a single sea. Such a beautiful analogy, and a lovely way to view existence and how everything is interconnected. Truly, I love that man.
Regardless, these last few weeks have opened my eyes. A death in the family and subsequent realization that life is beautiful -- albeit brief -- has gotten me thinking outside of realms I’ve been accustomed to. In short, I’ve come to realize that I was living a life ill. My designs centered around focusing on tomorrows that never once materialized as planned and, consequently, the present always slipped away without observation. Last year I was absorbed in intellectualizing the power of the Now and simply understanding its importance on a psychological level. Adversely, this year I feel its importance on an emotional one. Patience is key. Taking time to inhale atmospheric splendor and realizing that 95% of worries never come to pass are inspiring designs for life, and believe me, when burying a family member an awesome awareness of one’s own mortality can take over, leaving one pondering his or her own motives in life. Sad to realize it takes death to appreciate life, but no-one ever said that this existence was skittles and sunshine all the time.
But yeah, so much time has been spent spinning over lost causes, wallowing in self-pity and intoxicating to numb. So much time has been lost fighting struggles unnecessarily spawned. Indeed, I’ve oft sat listless as days, months and even years pass by and it’s frightening to think, but I’m not alone. Most people view life through the windows of a mental slammer. As a result, most people inevitably reflect from the deathbed stunned, wondering how the hell they went from wide-eyed and youthful to disenfranchised dinosaurs. Just a few blinks and our time on earth is done. We perish. Father Time waits for not a single soul.
When I was younger I used to think that material possessions were the proper measure of true happiness. I used to think that the more toys one had the more contented they must be. Subsequently, I worked towards achieving material wealth. Oh it took some time mind you, but I did eventually find myself on a road leading to a point in my life where cash for anything I could ever possibly want would simply not be an issue. Truly, with what I’ve been doing, if I continue on and invest properly, I could retire extremely well off. But with that said, none of any of it has made me very happy. All the travelling and all the partying - it hasn’t filled the void within. So yeah, that road... well, I’ve pulled off and into a rest area. I need a break from obsessing about all the wrong things. Really, what am I rushing to attain? I mean, if nothing that I’ve been doing up to present has made me truly happy, why should I continue plowing forward? In short I shouldn’t, so I won’t. I won’t run the risk of suffering a nervous breakdown or an exploded ulcer over a few dollars. Money will always be there for the taking, so why should I rush forward and miss the present in my pursuit of some pathetic, erroneous future? Oh beyond doubt financial freedom will surely come, but what good will it be to me if I’m amid some deep depression, and unable to look at my own reflection?
That all said, with a burial summer has announced itself in full swing and with that, thoughts of events earlier this year in America have begun to diminish in importance. Some things just aren’t worth the Niagara. I’ve my health and a promising future, so why should I dwell on all that can’t be changed? Why should I bother the mind with troublesome chatter that does nothing but deprive the essence of the beauty in the immediate?
Ah selflessness… there’s a beautiful paradox to that. By soaking up surroundings, becoming a better listener, more compassionate friend and all that jazz, one will find oneself getting outside themselves and subsequently they'll be beside themselves because without knowing it they'll of bettered themselves! Huh? Nevermind.
So right, I need to take some time to work on myself. I need to step outside of my old ways. The Dominican Republic vacation just recently taken did nothing to nourish the soul; it simply catered to my appetite for hedonistic absurdity. Oh yeah it’s totally fair to say that in this life I’ve been searching in all the wrong places for all the wrong things. Time for a change. Indeed, when looking at the larger picture one can clearly see that life is simply too precious to toss away concentrating on things that truly don’t matter.
Done.
The malady lingers,
Sullen
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Friday June 30, 06
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09:53 AM - Clearly Canadian
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As I’ll be out of the city tending to matters rather urgent come July 1st (Canada Day), I thought I’d take a moment to hype my nation prior to its birthday…
Metric, Arcade Fire, the Organ, the Dears, Broken Social Scene and the Stills... Canadian music!
Universal healthcare, freedom of speech, bilingualism, same sex marriages and legalized pot… Canadian ideals!
Toronto, the most multi-cultural metropolis on the planet and home to the tallest tower on earth, the 3rd largest theatre district in the English speaking world and voted the cleanest, safest major urban centre on the planet… a Canadian city!
The telephone, penicillin, the zipper, Superman, basketball, hockey, Greenpeace, and Moosehead beer… Canadian creations!
Morrissey-Solo users Redpathetic, Lucretia, Goddess1, Haze/Sullen and many, many others… Canadian residents!
Donald Sutherland, Kiefer Sutherland, Norm MacDonald, Phil Hartman, Mike Myers, James Cameron, David Cronenberg, Lorne Michaels, Joni Mitchell, Oscar Peterson, Keanu Reeves and thousands more... Canadian entertainers!
Douglas Coupland, Eckhart Tolle, Ernest Hemmingway... authors inspired by their Canadian surroundings!
Niagara Falls, the Rocky Mountains and the hot, cactus infested desert regions of Osoyoos… Canadian tourist destinations!
More oil than Saudi Arabia, Iran, Iraq and Kuwait put together, more fresh water than the rest of the planet combined, millions and millions of acres of trees and the largest coastline in the world… Canadian resources!
Liberating the Netherlands from the Nazis, freeing American hostages from Iranian terrorists, creators of the U.N Peace Keeping forces… Canadian backbone!
Dismantling ourselves of the world’s 2nd largest navy following the end of WWII… Canadian humility!
Living a prosperous existence without flaunting our overall wealth in the most confrontational of ways… Canadian style!
Indeed Canada, the second largest country on earth, is a place we all love and cherish and, dare I say, if the rest world’s nations were more like Canada we’d be living in a far more tolerable, fashionable, peace loving world.
Happy Canada Day,
Sullen
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Tuesday June 27, 06
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11:00 AM - Purpose Of Evasion
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Summers are certainly not what they used to be. Truly, in the blink of an eye July afternoons cooling on a “Slip n’ Slide” made way for August evenings on patios stagnating in redundant rave beats. Gucci, Ecstasy and self-imposed misery buried beauty once so very easily found in blue skies and butterflies. Indeed, as the years pulsed on something, somewhere went horribly wrong.
Oh t’is true that beyond doubt we become bitter old leather-skinners far before nature plans. We cloak ourselves in unnecessary chaos by looping into a ceaseless circle run catering to the disgustingly abstract. We do this to ourselves on a daily basis and we do it all without rhyme or reason. Oh and honestly, it's rather pathetic and it’s only when viewing children smiling whilst sipping lemonade that we, as adults, can see - rather harshly - just how terribly detached from our inherent spirituality we truly are. This realization… well it pummels the soul as it taxes the heart. It leaves me looking into the mirror wondering where the years went, and, if I’ll ever again be capable of cushioning the inner poltergeist in simple, healthy pleasures. Sandcastles and candy floss… how I dearly miss being able to enjoy the untainted.
Summers... they used to last forever and I swear, lately they come and leave so very quickly. They never last but equally, they never go away for very long either. There’s no great, romantic lead up to the season anymore and as we get crunched for time we simply say that we’ve next summer to get what we didn’t get this summer. We take the season – and indeed our lives – for granted with age, which is simply criminal.
On a seperate note~
I can hardly wait until England takes out Portugal. Not so much because I want England to win but because Portugal should NOT have won against the Netherlands. Furthermore, absolutely no group of fans holler over wins as loudly and obnoxiously as those horn honking, flag waving, Grand Banks fish filchers. So right, when the English win I'll take an English flag in one hand, a baseball bat in the other and simply walk my way into areas where Portugal is popular just praying someone steps.
Well, alright... either that or I'll drive by said areas really, really quickly shouting "You suck!", or something like that. We'll see. My alcohol intake that day will be a deciding factor.
Germany will win the World Cup,
Sullen
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