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Saturday October 28, 06
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11:40 AM - Winter Kills....
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I am really dreading the change of the clocks this year!
It's not any kind of fear of the dark or anything like that. Even in high Summer, I always look forward to nightfall. I think it's all to do with the really bad Winter I had last year. I think there is a deep rooted fear of reprisals within me.
Last Winter saw me having to deal with a major health scare, followed almost immediately by a severe period of jet-black depression. Whilst the health scare turned out to be not as serious as I thought, the depression was one of the worst I have ever had to struggle through. It REALLY tainted everything.
Last Christmas was practically wiped out for me. I began to hate everything connected with it. Even the sentiments of the Christmas music, both carols and festive pop songs began to haunt me. Even now, when I hear something festive(like for example, in the 'backwards' scenes in the film 'The Rules Of Attraction', you can hear the melody of 'Carol Of The Bells', and this gave me quite a jolt when I watched the movie again the other night), I get a really deep feeling of unease within me. I'm hoping that Christmas hasn't been hexed forever for me.
I'm also feeling a deep encroaching unease about simple things like it being pitch-black when I leave for work in the morning, and then it being the same when I head home as well. Also, one of my few pleasures at the moment is going for long walks in the Scottish countryside with just my thoughts and my MP3 player, but as there is no street-lighting out there, I'll be forced to walk among the local streets complete with drunks, gangs of increasingly violent youths, and a general air of unpleasantness.
I think it's because there's just so much not going right for me in my life at the moment, that all I feel is sense of dread.
" I'm too cold to be alone this winter, I'm too old to be alone
I just want to hold you this winter, I know you get so cold
I just want to call you this winter
Where are you tonight? Why aren't you here? You should be looking after me this winter, I sure as hell can't
Behind everything I do stares the cold truth I don't have you
I still love you, I must be the world's biggest fool
Everyday I wish you weren't so braw coz I miss you
How am I supposed to unmake the world's biggest mistake
I don't want to be your open wound all winter; you don't need to see me cry
I think I need professional help to get better, this may take some time
My life is dead and I can't see a future, I never could and I still can't
Do you still think I'd make a terrible father? I guess his blood still runs in me
Behind everything I do stares the cold truth I don't have you
I still love you, I must be the world's biggest fool
Everyday I wish you weren't so braw coz I miss you
How am I supposed to unmake the world's biggest mistake".
Malcolm Middleton.
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