If you could be an underwater creature, what would you want to be?
A sea cucumber. Nobody suspects the sea cucumber.

If you had to sell your soul for one thing, what would it be for?:
Happiness and safety for those without whom my soul would have fled long ago.

If you could create your own documentary, what would it be about?:
I could do that if I wanted. Whether or not anyone would really watch it is another thing entirely . . . But it would be about people’s faces. I think. I find faces fascinating.

If you could only save one picture, which one would you save?:
I can’t decide that, as you know very well.

If you could describe the perfect body, how would you describe it?:
What a defeatist question . . . I could easily do that if I didn’t think it was a ridiculous concept. All bodies are perfect to somebody. They just need to be told so more often.

What perfume are you wearing?:
Disgruntlement, by Calvin Klein.

If you could eliminate one habit of yours, what would it be?:
Worrying about things about which I cannot do a solitary jot.

If you could throw a party, what theme would you give it and who would come?:
It would be Tim Burton themed and I would invite Char Boy and Edward Scissorhands. But not Toxic Boy, he ruins everything.

If you could create any one thing, no matter how expensive, what would it be?:
I don’t really understand the question . . .I seem to be expected to say a diamond-studded helicopter or something. Is it a very common condition, this yearning to create something very expensive?

If you could make a new cereal, what would it taste like?:
Again, I could make cereal if I really wanted to . . . And I imagine it would taste hideous, because I have no idea how to make cereal.

If you could name the most important event of your life, what would it be?:
Everything so far seems to pivot around the fact I was born. Or so I imagine. I probably just appeared in a building site one day. (And the Lord said there shall be a child of surpassing density and ineptitude - and Lo! It was done.)

If you had to torture someone, what would be your method of torture?:
I think I’d just sit and look at them. That would be enough.

If you were given a boat today, what would you name it?:
Sorrow. It would have black sails and lots of wind chimes just to annoy everyone within a four mile radius.

If you could re-colour something, what would you re-colour?:
My aura.

If you didn't have to work, what would you do?:
Re-colour my aura.

Name the five senses:
Love, mild disappointment, shock, ineptitude and hunger. In that order.

If you could tell your boss any one thing, would would you say?:
I have no boss. You can iron my shirt, but not my soul . . . And so forth.

If you could name the best song ever made, what would you pick?:
I could very easily name ‘the best song ever made’, but I’m not going to because there isn’t one. (‘Captain Jack’ by DDR?)

If it was possible, would you choose to be blind for a day?:
No. Why would anyone actively choose to be blind for a day? What would that achieve?

What about deaf?:
No! Stop it, stop it.

If you could have one dream that you've had come to life, what would it be?:
I spend far too much time asleep to answer that fairly . . .

If you could give your parents one gift, what would you give them?:
My continued absence. Failing this (and I am) health for my mother and sanity for my father.

If you could choose the best instrument, what would you pick?:
I can, so I will: Ye Bagpipes. Or possibly the kazoo.

If you could be given any one talent, what would you want?:
The ability to switch off my mind, for the little capacity it has. Aaah, but no - it constantly churns, crushes and rearranges its contents, like a mental stomach. Oh, also I would quite like to be able to levitate people very slowly when they say something awful, just to show them that things aren’t quite as they think them to be. Just very gently, and just enough to scare them.

If you died right now, what would be the first thing you'd want to see?:
The rocks below (la de da, la de da . . . )

If you could wear only one colour for the rest of your life, what would it be:
Black. (And who’s stopping me?)

If you could have one mate or many, would you choose the one or the many?:
Ah, but in the case of the many, would they really be ‘mates’, now really?

If you could have written any one song, which one would it be?:
‘The Forgotten Man’ by Burt Bacharach.

If you could be on any TV show, which one would you want to be on?:
Super Happy Magic Family Wish Show . . As hosted by Morrissey.

If you could own any one business, what would you want to own?:
One that sells really unsightly and disappointing food items in expensive and promising packaging. It wouldn’t last long, but it would be worth it.

If you could bathe in anyone's dirty bathwater, who's would it be?:
I wouldn’t call it ‘dirty’ in this case. More . . . infused.

If you could un-know any one thing you currently know, what would it be?:
Oh, so very, very many things. For instance, how After Eight mints are actually made.

Would you have a face-lift?:
Certainly not. I don’t know how people can bring themselves to care about a few wrinkles and so forth when so many good people have died far earlier than they deserved and never even got the chance to whinge about such paltry things. Mortality is beauty, and beauty is the only immortal thing worth remembering. And it can’t just be summoned with money at the hands of a surgeon.

If you had to name your single worst fear, what would it be?:
I’m scared for other people . . . but not for me. Rabbits intimidate me -does that count?

If you could know how you are going to die, would you want to know?:
I know how I’m going to die. Why do you think I always look so nervous around penny farthings?

What do men want?:
I should imagine it depends upon the gentleman in question. The one next door wants some tea, because I just heard him say so through the wall. My father wants a new bath robe, and meanwhile my friend wants to be a different person entirely. (Some men are bigger than others).

What do women want?:
Again . . . (women and men are a lot alike, you know. Hasn't anyone noticed?)

If you could be the king of something, what would it be?:
Wishful thinking? Too late . . . If I could be the lord of something I’d be the Lord of the Dance, purely because I can’t dance whatsoever and it would be a huge disappointment and everyone would throw vegetables at me and then leave.

If you could spend a million dollars at any one store, where would it be?:
If I was ever on the point of spending a million dollars at any store, it would be time for a long, hard think. And not regarding which store, either.

If you had to die in a natural disaster, which one would you choose?:
Hell’s opening.

If you could have been the actor/actress in any movie, what would you pick?:
Mothra!, so I could say “O My God, it’s a giant moth.”

If you could be invisible for one hour, where would you do?:
Drape myself in flowers and prance about people’s gardens.

If you had to listen to a single song today 100 times, what song would it be?:
Something I didn’t much like to begin with - then, by the end of the day, I might do.

If you could initiate a new charity, what would be it's purpose?:
I think all the charities we need exist, they just need more money.

Who is the luckiest person in the world?
Me.

If you could ask anyone any one question, who and what would you ask?:
I don’t know . . . I tend to find things out myself. What I would like to do is put a pair of fake ears and a tail on a small bear, and take it out for a walk, to see if anyone noticed it was actually a bear.

(“That’s a bear!”
“It isn’t.”
“It is - look! Its tail just fell off.”
“I do not know of what you speak.”)