Greetings my dear readers!

That question was put to me a few months ago. "What is happening?!" And, my reply was, "to us, or in general?!"

What, indeed, is happening?! All this love, all this intensity...*what* is it? Where will it lead us?! Ah, but wasn't it I who said at times you would lead and there will be times I will lead? How true my words were/are for we both seem to trade off in setting the pace.

The pace. Hmmmmmmmm! So far, there is *no* pace, we both seem to follow upon a whim whatever the gods set before us so perhaps they have set the pace for us, my darling?

So, so, so, so much IS happening, and everything is felt oh so, so, so very deeply. And, everything is just as it should be...And yet, neither of us knows what is happening. But then, who really does?!

Ah, we left off where my fate seemed to depend upon someone else's watch as it went...

Tick tock, tick tock,
tickity tock, tickity tock.
Tickity, tickity, tock, tock, tock...

And time has come to pass to show on the contrary! For it is I who decided my fate and it is I doing the shunning!

Maybe a fatal decision has been made based upon my need for privacy, or perhaps it was that my personality is too stubborn? I admit, I exude a very strong and yet high-brow presence that may intimidate a lesser personality. But do I pose that much of a threat? That I am now on the brink of being shunned? For just being myself? For saying NO one too many times? Or, was it for saying YES when each time I should have said NO! ?

There will be an outcome before too much time passes, I sense it. Have I been sentenced to a slow death on someone else's watch?

Tick tock, tick tock,
tickity tock, tickity tock.
Tickity, tickity, tock, tock, tock...

So, as of this afternoon I find that I am seeing justice moves faster than one would have expected it to move! I am informed that life has suddenly taken a drastic course and has become very "scary" for the one who lied and took up far too much of my time. It appears that someone whom they wronged far more seriously than they did me has now taken steps towards resolving a very dire matter.

Scared and crying?! Hmmm, so once more I am to endure the violins. And yet again, to listen to 25 minutes of non-stop verbal excretion.

Then! After said o-woe-is-me rant is over I am told, "Gotta go now..." without even a "By the way, how are you doing?"

This is a very ill person. Last night I looked up symptoms of a sociopath, and lo and behold, there were all the patterns I've come to so unfortunately know, staring at me in black and white. Indeed, nothing was grey, it was ALL too apparently obvious that this person is VERY ill.

I now see where all this is stemming from and to where it shall now lead...If legal proceedings are not in favour, this person will surely go off the deep end. At least this is what I have been told, so of course this could just be another melodramatic means of their grasping for attention.

Ah, but this time, this shall be a performance I shall relish seeing and hearing...so bring on those violins! Oh, but I do know that one of those cases will not contain a violin, nooooooo, oh, noooooo.

O, my friends, think Dead Man Walking...

what kind of fool *WAS* I?!

I am stunned into silence, too speechless at my own foolishness.

Ah, but I am left with my dignity and self-respect in tact for never have I stooped by giving my heart along with lies and deceit.

Is it my fault, though, that I did not trust enough to give all of myself? On the contrary, this was the wisest thing I knew NOT to do because I have been shown that what all that I did give has been abused, dismissed, and laughed at too.

But I shall overcome this absurd set-back...After all, all I have to do is look at those pathetic photographs given me, then look at myself in the mirror ~ well then, I can see how laughable this all really appears, lol! I have everything going in my favour whilst someone's only hope at having a life is trying to tear down mine.

Indeed, the importance of perspective! I was never the one who spoke of love, of needing, or of loneliness, or behaving in a desperate manner. I saved all the written words, all the gushing fawning words that now reveal themselves to be nothing more than LYING words so there is no room for contradiction when I have written proof. I now have a crystal clear perspective on the whole charade. My only fault was ignoring my better judgment by believing that perhaps there was some truth mixed in with the lies.

Oh, but now I see that my life is quite wonderful compared to such pathetic people who are only looking to ride on one's coat-tails...they lead such empty and uneventful lives themselves!

Have I allowed my head to become severed from my body? For I seem to have taken leave of my wits. I do know that my heart has already been seriously damaged, and yet, I have found out that there was still a small part of it left beating, capable of being wounded, yet again.

I hold onto whatever shred of common sense left to me by not giving up the only single thing I have control to keep close to myself. My home. My sanctuary. My place of privacy where I cannot be traced; try as one may, I am as elusive as a black cape on a moonless night.

O, the months pass so quickly, as my heart drags behind me, begging me to set it free.

no matter how irrational the other person appears to be if you know they have shown you their good side.

But protect yourself from becoming close to them because they will sap all that they can from you; I do not mean do not become *too* close, I mean do not become at all close. There is no middle ground so just steer clear of forming tight bonds with needy people who will at first lavish compliments upon you only to later make embarrassing scenes as they attempt to find fault.

I am glad that the one who loves me is fair to me and would never make any scene or ever become irrational. I sometimes am lapse in choosing my friends, though...I give them way too many chances.

Oh, but not this time, oh no, not this time. A line has been crossed, and I haven't any more beneficial doubts to give anyone.

Oh, the trouble my heart is in, and you'd have thought I'd have learnt by now...but no. No, oh, no, no, no, noooooooooo.

And it's just as much my fault as it is the other person's, for thinking that I didn't know best when in fact, I did. I always know, and yet....And yet. I did not listen to my better judgment, thus I am such a fool on April Fool's Day, no less.

This will be my last re-learning of this lesson on what has turned into the most tiresome of subjects; my heart is done with all this trouble. I finally get it now, this just was not meant to be for me. No matter what I am told, all those "you can trust me" "I won't ever hurt you" "I will protect you" "you are everything to me"...It all amounts to nothing at all. I only end up finding a flaw in their words and it's enough to send me packing my bags and leaving them and their heavy words so lightly thrown behind. And they always beg me to stay, beg for forgiveness, beg for me to give them another chance...But once it is over, it is over, and I cannot look back and feel the same way ever again. You Have Killed Me, and I need to get as far away as possible.

Oh, how I wanted to believe this time...It just felt so right, and yet I knew all along it also for some reason felt so wrong.

Just one more thing leaving me with a life time of beautiful memories; just one more thing I will have to force myself to forget. Indeed, history repeats itself...

now I am not too sure.

Do we really want someone to reveal something in us that we have chosen to keep buried deep down inside? Trust. I just still do not have it. I know that I never shall. I will always feel that someone is out to get something out of me without heed of my feelings. I will not change, it really is too late to change; this is who I am. And I will not let go no matter what happens, even if it means ending whatever I may have started...

But I was not the one who started, I was misled...My heart cannot be trusted.

And upon the stroke of midnight ...

Remember, Remember, The *30th* of October ...

You're getting back at... for what they did to... and to you.

Remember, remember...