Hello?

I am still here. Are you?

Just diving deeper into this world with age.

It's getting dark and frightening.

I'm still trying.

I'm still trying.

She left me, but I'm still trying...

Does anyone miss me?

I sincerely miss Spencer Cobrin.

Just listen the "The Boy Racer" single, particularly, the live renditions of "London" and "Billy Budd", absolutely fabulous. You can't buy that type of chemistry in a band.

1. The National Front Disco Morrissey
2. Merrymaking At My Place Calvin Harris
3. Formed A Band Art Brut
4. Helter Skelter (live) U2
5. Living In Oblivion Anything Box
6. Tahitian Moon Porno for Pyros
7. Training Hard Bill Conti
8. I Know It's Over Trash Can Sinatra's
9. Don't Be Ashamed of Your Age Willie Nelson
10. Young Folks Peter, Bjorn and John
11. Bossy Kelis (featuring Too Short)
12. Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again Bob Dylan
13. Intervention Arcade Fire
14. Only You Yazoo
15. Comeback Girl Republic of Loose
16. Letter To The Firm Foxy Brown
17. Across 110th Street Bobby Womack
18. Yell Fire! Michael Franti and Spearhead
19. The Quest Exhausts The Desire James Maker
20. Du Hast Rammstein
21. All By Myself Latoya London
22. Whitey On The Moon Gil Scott Heron
23. Suffer Little Children The Smiths

If I was a pop star or a rock star on tour, this would be my pre-concert, intermission mix cd.....not........that.......you...............................care!!

  1. God's Gonna Cut You Down Johnny Cash
  2. Title Music From A Clockwork Orange Walter Carlos
  3. Take A Message To Mary The Everly Brothers
  4. Walk Right Back The Everly Brothers
  5. Regret New Order
  6. Young Offender New Order
  7. Personality Crisis New York Dolls
  8. I Keep Mine Hidden The Smiths
  9. Skin Storm Morrissey
10. I Adore Mi Amor Color Me Badd
11. I Always Get To Bed By Half-Past Nine George Formby
12. Comeback Girl Republic of Loose
13. Attack The Toys
14. Shock To The System Billy Idol
15. Start Wearing Purple Gogol Bordello
16. The Skin of My Country Yellow Teeth Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!
17. I Am Waiting The Rolling Stones

And of course, occasionally, Ringleader of the Tormentors.

Nothing really new with me, and besides, you don't care anyway. I'm not looking for sympathy, really, I know you don't care. Don't worry about it, I don't care about your journals either.

“Oh, To See More of Morrissey”

        Imagine a day with Morrissey…wow! This man has
affected my life more than any other human being on
earth-including Jesus Christ (God), My family, and
women. Well, you get the picture; he’s very important
to me. Do I dare hope? In the movie ‘Shawshank
Redemption’, it was stated “Hope is a dangerous
thing…” Now, I’ve stood outside Morrissey’s home
wondering what it would be like to sit and have tea
with him, to just talk. I attend his concerts,
watching him so closely I forget to breathe. What
will it be like to spend an entire day with him? It
will be overwhelmingly divine, even, a dream come
true. I’ve dreamt so many times about this that it's
very vivid in my memory. (Cue the dream sequence
music…)
        At first glance, I’m sure my heart will throb as it
always does when I see Morrissey in the flesh. After
a brief hug and an introduction, I will escort him to
a very lush white BMW that I borrow from one of my
best friends. I will then open Morrissey’s door
and close it behind him (As if he were royalty, which
in my humble opinion, he is). This might sound like
we are going on a date, but nay, I am a heterosexual
(if I can be discribed as that, and I must say...)
so alas, it will NOT be a date.
        We will leave his house at approximately 7:10am. At
this point, we proceed to drive to Crystal Cove near
Laguna Beach. We will eat a vegetarian breakfast that
I prepare, while I am not a vegetarian, I'm always
respectful of the wishes of my guest. Breakfast will
consist mostly of croissants, fruits and juices
arranged in magnificent opulence. Morrissey & I will
talk and get to know each other, you know, break the
ice and what not. I will ask some burning questions
of him and if he chooses to divulge the answers, I
will NEVER TELL anyone what he said! As morning
passes, we pack up our little picnic/breakfast and off
we stride to an unknown offbeat coffeehouse in Los
Angeles. I will make sure that the coffeehouse serves
Morrissey’s specific brand of tea as well as a
surprise,
albiet a nightmare of a surprise,
but nevertheless which will have been made by prior
arrangement.
        At this time,
I will take a few sips of my tea and begin an impromptu performance
(the surprise which I spoke of earlier). I will
definitely play him my version of, “I KNOW VERY WELL
HOW I GOT MY NAME”; also, I will play some songs that
I personally wrote. I’d probably play, “IF LOVE IS A
RED DRESS (HANG ME IN RAGS)” by Maria McKee because I
think of him every time I play/hear that song. After
we finish our coffee or tea and possibly have a brief
sing along, we will go to get some lunch.
        In Los Angeles, I suppose I’ll be quite tacky and
escort him to the Hard Rock Café. The intention of
doing this is simply... 1.) I want to be seen with him
and 2.) I will correct something that has bugged me
for quite some time; I will put the album “Vauxhall &
I” up on the wall, preferably covering something
dreadful, such as Aerosmith. When we finish our
lunch, and set the record straight (pardon the pun),
we will then load back up into the lovely BMW, which I
borrowed, “where the leather runs smooth on the
passenger’s seat.”
        As we return to Morrissey’s place, if he doesn’t
mind, we will spend the afternoon watching a movie of
his choice. Maybe something like, “The Loneliness of
the Long Distance Runner” or, “East of Eden”. This is
done over a bottle of the finest wine or vodka, again, of His
choice. As the sun begins to set on Sunset Boulevard,
we will have dinner that Morrissey himself prepares.
How imposing of me.
After dinner, I make a mad dash to the exit, unless
Morrissey has something else in mind, like a night on
the town?
        Sadly though, knowing Morrissey, he may want to turn
in early, I'm sure his patience would've been exhausted.
Long day, you know… At last, while we
stand in the doorway and say our good-byes, I will
shake his hand oh so politely and drive off into the
night saddled in my friend’s precious white BMW. (End
dream sequence music here…) If only… I’d be so
happy. You see, it’s not important what you’re like,
but what you like. I like Morrissey and I would love
to see more of him. They say “hope is a dangerous
thing…and it can drive a man insane…” But a day or a
dream like this is worth the risk.

(I wrote this in response to "Wilde on my side"'s comment but realized others may be interested? This is true, but only a once through, from memory, rough draft version...I hope you enjoy...I did.)

Well, here goes the history...

1992 "Your Arsenal Tour" I buy all of the "Best Of the Smiths" albums, listen to "The Queen Is Dead", and I'm most impressed with "Bona Drag". I was invited to go see Morrissey in Sacramento, California. Being 17, and with my youthful naivity, which made me to be about 12, AND by which, my unknowing for who Morrissey was and what he was all about; I politely declined. BUT, when my friend came back from the concert, curiously, I grilled him insistently, I explained to him that I must know all of what exactly happened at the concert and in precise detail-leave nothing out! So much so, after about an hour, which was extended to all day of questioning, he finally became VERY irritated with me when he raised his voice and said, "Are you fucking listening to me? Who gives a shit what happened at the Morrissey concert!" I, quietly said, "I do." Our friendship ended shortly thereafter.

Now, I was in for a wait.

1994 "Vauxhall & I" Absolutely, Positively CHANGED MY LIFE! "Used To Be A Sweet Boy" to me, was the most beautiful song I had EVER heard. "The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get" came in handy, in a major way. "Billy Budd" was unusually familiar, and profoundly interesting to me. "Springhill Jim", story of my life(except the too many women part).

So, I'm hooked. But no tour. Phewie!

1995 "Southpaw Grammar" is released. I find myself coming back from being out of the country to a new Morrissey album. I purchased it in San Francisco and listened to it on the way home. I loved it, but it was different, not in a bad way, just in a experimental artistry-type way. If that makes sense.

So, life paintakingly goes on.

1997 "Maladjusted" Truly. I felt the sentiments. I now found myself living in Colorado. Right in between Salt Lake City and Denver. Both cities, about 4-5 hours away. Too far for my broke ass to snag Morrissey in person. Although, as a sidenote, I stayed up late at night to watch the video for "Alma Matters" and woke up the next morning and decided I no longer would go to work at the the shitty dead end job that I had. I didn't quit. I just simply stopped going. Would you believe these pathetic people actually peeped through my windows presumably checking to see if I was dead? Dead to them, yes. Still, depression lingered on and I didn't see myself ever being able to go to a Morrissey concert, as I felt maybe his career was nearing an end.

Which brings us to...

1999 "Oye Esteban" Through the help of Morrissey Solo... No more bullshit. I had had enough. I had no friends that were Morrissey fans, but I didn't give a shit. In true gypsy form, I had relocated to Salt Lake City, Utah. In December 1999, I purchased a plain ticket, a Morrissey ticket, and booked a hotel room in the hell hole of the world...Las Vegas! There was no stopping me now. I was a bit sad to go all by myself, but in a strange twist, very glad as well. I was going to experience Morrissey all on my own, which I feel now, is how it should be. Sort of. Oh, the stories go on and on. While I was in line, Security for Mandalay Bay was plucking underage drinkers out of the line to properly 86 them from property. Well over the legal drinking age, I gave one of the Security Guards an evil eye as well as said, "Ah, come on, leave the kids alone..." I was promptly ejected off the premises. In tears, from an adjoining Hotel, I called the Chief of Security begging him to let me come back. He finally agreed. During "Speedway", I was so enamoured with Morrissey, I had some people lift me up and carry me to the stage area. After a nice security guard tried to help me get on stage, I couldn't lift myself up, as I was exhausted from waiting in line all day. But, Morrissey reached down to me, shook my hand, and I was politely ejected again. Afterwards, the experience left me feeling like no other time in my life. I think, I realized, for the very first time, I was alive. I didn't think so before, not at all, well...maybe a little. I went straight to the ticket booth and purchased another ticket for the following night's show(which Security tried to stop me from doing, but relented). The last show on the tour. It was fabulous. It was beautiful.

From then on, I've hit every tour at least once, but mostly more.

2002 August, found me in conversation with Morrissey during a concert at the Zephyr in Salt Lake City (Although, I was living in L.A., at the time), when I yelled out, "No One Can Hold A Candle To You!" and Morrissey asked me who sang that. When I said, "James Maker!", he said, "Astounding, astounding..." And more was said, but I'd have to review the archive. Incidently, in April of 2002 I met and spoke with Morrissey for about 15-20 minutes, where we discussed: 'Irish Blood, English Heart' being a real song or not, the Tribute band-"These Charming Men", Johnny Marr, & several, and I mean several hugs, I eyeballed the belt he had bought, and other stuff that I can't remember that well, because I was of course, so blown away. My dreams have come true. It gets better..

2004 To my surprise, Morrissey is now SINGING, "No One Can Hold A Candle To You" and has recorded it as a b-side! Coincidence or a request fulfilled? You tell me. Saw him in L.A., and Devore, Ca. Both really moving and memorable shows. The Morrissey, in my heart, is absolutely secured...FOREVER!

2006 Here we go again! (I hope)

I can't believe "STILL ILL" was P-L-A-Y-E-D. Why in the fuck am I sitting here in L.A. and I'm not in, of all places, Oklahoma? Oh well, I'll wait and pray that Still Ill will remain in the setlist. Please Please Please, Don't Be Just An Opening Night thang. And then, Girlfriend Fucking In A Coma?????? The First song I ever learnt to play on the guitar. So many women I dedicated that song to...remixes, changed lyrics... Please stop teasing me. I'm so happily disappointed. Oh well. L.A., damnit, L....A!!!!!!!!!!!!!! L.A., apparently, not the place to be.

Song: "Third Finger, Left Hand" Martha Reeves & The Vandellas

There goes the forgotten man
There goes the forgotten man
Walkin' alone
Walkin' all alone

I used to be known as Jamie's guy
They point me out when I walk by
Oh, yes everyone noticed me
till one night a stranger came
and stole my love away
Now I hear people say

There goes the forgotten man
There goes the forgotten man
Walkin' alone
Walkin' all alone

They turn away when I pass by
Yes, they're afraid I'll start to cry
Jamie is gone and they're pityin' me
when I lost a love who knew
that I was everything
That's why they are whisperin'

There goes the forgotten man
There goes the forgotten man
Walkin' alone
Walkin' all alone

Jamie is gone and they're pityin' me
when I lost a love who knew
that I loved everything
That's why they are whisperin'

There goes the forgotten man
There goes the forgotten man
Walkin' alone
Walkin' all alone
Walkin' alone
Walkin' all alone

I think that I'm more interesting when I don't write.

It's chaotic. Too many people talking, with opinions. Whatever happened to someone having something special to say?

This place is a mess.

I submitted a question at www.true-to-you.net.

Being alone, I wonder if THAT would be better for me? I doubt it. You have to be strong to be alone. I'm clearly not.

I wish I could be honest about something. Well, I mean, about a curiousity. It's only a curiousity, I'm sure it'll go away.

I listened to some music and it made me start to cry, I don't want to say what.

I want something, but I fear I'll never get it or achieve what I want.

Am I crazy?

Do you care? Why do I always ask that?

I wanted to record.

How many of you are there?

I can take it ALL. Believe it.

He knows.

I heard something so sad, I wanted to die. To really die.

You've made things easier, you know. You'll never really know.

Are you? Don't be.

I'm going mad.

I am mad.

And I'm angry. And it's never gonna go away.

It's beautiful. You're beautiful. I'm gonna cry again.

It's time to fight back.

Song: Rory Gallagher, "Rattlesnake Guitar"

          You know what really irks me? Boz Boorer not updating his journal very often. And that goes the same with Johnny Marr's website. I need information, anything, so I can start outrageous rumors in my head as to what may be going on in their lives and Morrissey's as well. Lord knows nothing is going on in mine. It's so easy to start things, the real trick is to finish. Well, that's what she said, which doesn't make me feel too good.
          I would like to return to San Francisco one day, but only with buckets full of money because I know I'll need it to live in the bay area. It'll probably never happen so I won't discuss futher. I'd also like to live in England for a while. Obviously, I'd be interested in Manchester, but London seems more logical. I don't know, I'd have to check it out.
          I was going to go see the New York Dolls, but it didn't happen. I thought about going to see the Sweet and Tender Hooligans, but it didn't happen. I'm in the mood to see the Avengers, or Xray Specs. I miss the eighties, even though I was only 8!
          I'm that much closer to death. Death cannot escape us, it's the only sure thing. And I'm relying on it. I've never been married, is that normal? I've never had any kids (that I'm aware of), is that normal?
          I used to think the Bush Adminitration sucked, but I've changed my opinion. They're hilarious. That little Bush kid is hilarious, and his Vice, Dick, is it? He's a real winner. Anyways, I got so mad at Bush's People recently, and then I just started laughing how fucking stupid he is, and how tempermental, arrogant, and narcissistic he is. He reminds me of myself, which is hilarious. Anyway, its better that way. To laugh, rather than hate.
          Speaking of hate, I simply just hate everything. It's not good. People make me sick.

Song: "Death" Klaus Nomi