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Sunday May 24, 09
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09:18 PM - A Moment of Sadness
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I’ve been sitting in my bedroom all day. A moment ago I was thinking about my life. I don’t like my life. I started hating my life when I was 16 years old and I haven’t given up that feeling. I started to become disconnected with the world during my junior year of high school. I felt like there was no meaning to all the homework and studying. I tried to find meaning and purpose in the odd jobs I took after high school and during college. Those jobs only left me feeling depressed. I tried to change my life by joining the Army. I became so depressed that I bottomed out. And when I got out of the Army, the war started: the financial war. I was fighting for my life---fighting daily to stay alive. I did every odd job I could to stay alive. The battle never ended. It’s still going on. I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. My life feels like I’m watching a bad movie and I am locked inside the theatre. Every exit is blocked. I want to get out and see some daylight.
If someone asked me what I have learned from all the years I’ve lived, I’d tell them that I know how to be poor and ignorant. Poverty is the result of ignorance. And using knowledge to my advantage would solve the poverty issue. I am confused about my life. I don’t know what direction to go in. I have decided to keep my dead end job and make the best of it. I will wait patiently for my pay raises. It’s the only thing that motivates me. I feel fortunate that I can earn money and pay my bills. It’s just not enough for me. I want more out of life. Doing the same thing everyday makes me feel dead inside. I want to live beyond the meaningless of life.
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I also have lived a hard life. In the way that money has never come for free.
Yet, I try to keep an opened mind and hope for the best.
And yes Life has gotten very bad for me many a times.Dark and gloomy and I did not even deserve it I would say..
I wonder if I did something wrong .
Or if in a passed life.
There have been times when I have barely held on to my sanity.
Yet, I'd look to reading and listening to peoples philosophy and peoples points of view, Music! which is such an inspiration to me.
I try to keep myself happy. I try to do something that I enjoy every day.
Not an easy thing.
Yet, I shall keep trying..
Putting your realisations to paper and sharing with others is a form of giving.
Giving karma is an extremely meritorious action.
For realisation is a pomade to the soul.:)
Thank you:)
And so, I bid thy well..