Yesterday I drove up to the mountains. I stopped at a shady picnic area and ate pizza. I looked at a small stream. The hot sun was blocked by tall pine trees. Then I drove on the mountain road for a while and it started sloping downhill. My car sped up really fast and I just put it in neutral and spent most of the time braking. I stopped at a gas station and spent $15 for half a tank of gas. Then I drove past a lake and stopped my car near the Kern River. I sat on a large granite rock and stared at the river. I could spend hours staring at the river. It was wide and flowing very fast. It seems like the mountains will never run out of water. Those of us in the valley below depend on the river; it keeps us alive. The river flows fast when it squeezes through narrow, rocky grooves and slows down when the ground is wide an flat. It can be peaceful and then become dangerous at any moment. The river is majestic and it commands respect of the best swimmers. It was the central character of the beautiful portrait of nature I saw.

I’ve been sitting in my bedroom all day. A moment ago I was thinking about my life. I don’t like my life. I started hating my life when I was 16 years old and I haven’t given up that feeling. I started to become disconnected with the world during my junior year of high school. I felt like there was no meaning to all the homework and studying. I tried to find meaning and purpose in the odd jobs I took after high school and during college. Those jobs only left me feeling depressed. I tried to change my life by joining the Army. I became so depressed that I bottomed out. And when I got out of the Army, the war started: the financial war. I was fighting for my life---fighting daily to stay alive. I did every odd job I could to stay alive. The battle never ended. It’s still going on. I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. My life feels like I’m watching a bad movie and I am locked inside the theatre. Every exit is blocked. I want to get out and see some daylight.

If someone asked me what I have learned from all the years I’ve lived, I’d tell them that I know how to be poor and ignorant. Poverty is the result of ignorance. And using knowledge to my advantage would solve the poverty issue. I am confused about my life. I don’t know what direction to go in. I have decided to keep my dead end job and make the best of it. I will wait patiently for my pay raises. It’s the only thing that motivates me. I feel fortunate that I can earn money and pay my bills. It’s just not enough for me. I want more out of life. Doing the same thing everyday makes me feel dead inside. I want to live beyond the meaningless of life.

It’s great to be hiking again. I found a dirt road in the mountains, east of Delano. I followed this scenic path and saw lots of bare oak trees & tall pine trees. And after an hour of hiking, the snow became very deep. It must’ve snowed a lot yesterday when it was raining in the valley. I wore my running shoes. I should’ve put on my boots. And I should’ve brought some gloves too, it was very cold. I didn’t feel too cold most of the time, except for my hands.

I wanted to find a quiet place to read a book. I should’ve left the book in my car because the wilderness has a story of its own. It’s a movie. You’re the audience. The screen is 360 degrees. While I was walking, I saw a lot of animal tracks, but no animals. The only animals I saw were a few ravens. No sparrows or jays. No squirrels or rabbits. Not even any bugs...but that didn’t bug me. I guess it was too cold for any life. The road was muddy at times because of the melting snow. I looked at a thin stream of water and realized: this is how raging rivers begin—with a patch of snow. The snow was a white blanket covering the green grass & brown mulch of dead leaves and pine needles. The whole landscape was painted brown, green, and white. And the sky was painted light blue with white and grey clouds. And after a few hours, the yellow sun became a red sunset that painted the clouds bright red as well. And so that was how the day ended. And then I found myself walking in deep snow. I was up to my ankles in snow. And the scene was getting darker. The darkness seemed to shade everything quickly. I became afraid of the dark. But the moon reflected the light from the sun and illuminated the snow, and the stars burned brightly. So then I felt comforted. I turned back and came to a snow-covered clearing in the woods. I stood on a rock and looked at the urban lights in the distance. Then I walked on the muddy path for about 30 minutes and I suddenly saw the road where my car was parked. I changed into some walking shoes and then drove home.

I should be living in the mountains. I don’t have time for urban people and their sick minds. There’s something about the fresh air in the mountains...it makes me feel better. And there are no people to tell me what to do or how to live my life. There are no demands for me to win a sporting event, or make good grades, or be the most productive worker in the factory/office/retail business. I’m at peace in the natural world.

Greed is a mental disorder. And I wish most people would recognize this. If you’re greedy, you need to see a psychiatrist right away. People that are greedy are screwing up this world. They cause worldwide human suffering. They need to own every resource in the world and they’ll kill millions of people to get those resources. This is evil and arrogant. All of our ancestors were born here on this earth as free people. After a few thousand years, nations formed and their rulers decided who gets to have land and who doesn’t; who gets to be free and who has to be a slave. Who are they to decide? The slave and the emperor are both human beings. Their status could be reversed after a war.

I don’t have a problem with someone owning a private business and reaping the rewards of selling merchandise. I do have a problem with a CEO, who works for a publicly owned corporation (that means you and I can own part of the corporation), that fires 20,000 employees because he can’t afford to pay them, and yet gets a salary of $20,000,000 a year with a $5,000,000 bonus right after destroying the lives of 20,000 hard-working, loyal employees. And after the value of this corporation’s stock goes downhill for several years, this CEO gets a severance pay of $100,000,000. That’s insanity. NOBODY EVER PAID ME TO FAIL. Why did the CEO get paid so much money if he was incompetent? Why not give dividends to the shareholders instead? If lower-level employees get fired for poor performance, why can’t the same standard be applied for higher-level employees as well? The same job performance standard I’ve dealt with all my life should be applied to government employees as well: if you don’t perform your job properly, you lose it. There are plenty of examples of government employees who use public funds for decorating their offices with the fine furniture, arranging expensive office parties, or traveling and hotel expenses. Why is my paycheck being taxed for their benefit? And then there’s the Department of Defense, whose budget is never properly audited. They LOSE millions of dollars every year…without a paper trail. I have a job as a cashier, and if $100 went missing from my cash register, I’d get fired. But these government employees can lose millions of dollars and still keep their jobs. They could’ve stuffed their pockets with thousands of dollars and know one would ever know or care to investigate the matter.

I also have a problem with these international bankers who give high interest loans to third world governments. Why can’t they be sensible: give these nations time to develop some sort of profitable industry and let people have jobs with a salary that enables them to SURVIVE (people tend to work more productively when they can afford to buy food). The workers will pay taxes to their government, and then the bankers can establish a reasonable payment plan with that government so they can pay off the loan---which should be a low interest loan, you greedy bastards! Personally, I’d rather give a grant to third world entrepreneurs through a private charity.

I’m not the kind of person that will say, “That’s the way the world is, you just have to accept it.” There’s no reason to accept living in a world run by insane people. It’s just as easy to have sane leaders running each nation. It’s just as easy to appoint responsible people as CEOs of corporations as it is to appoint irresponsible people. There are people that are so greedy that they will sell out their own nation for a few million dollars. What are those millions worth if you end up living in a dictatorship? You’re not free to enjoy that money. You might even have that money taken away by the same corrupt government you put into power. Then your social status will be the same as the people you’ve exploited. Some of you people are afraid to live in a world of justice. You lie, cheat, and steal to get ahead while telling others to be honest, work hard, earn money, and live modestly.

I feel better about myself today. I paid off two collection agency debts and I paid a bunch of bills yesterday. I also have a payment plan to reduce an old Visa card debt. So I should be able to clear that debt by the end of the year. I would like to finance a house someday, but before I do, I must prove that I’m creditworthy. So I’m going to reduce my debts as much as possible and wait for some negative stuff to get erased from my credit history. If I can get my credit score up to 700, I’ll be in a position to ask for a bank loan. Looking at my credit report is kind of like seeing myself naked in the mirror---I see all the flaws and I want to get rid of them.

It’s really nice to have some money in the bank. Last year I spent too much money and I had a few overdraft fees to pay to the bank. That won’t happen again. I’m starting to wise up about my financial situation. I’ve never learned how to save money and not spend it for a long period of time. I spend all my money every year. I need to stop doing that. I would like to be rich so I wouldn’t have to worry about monthly expenditures for the grocery store, the gas station, and the department store. I wish I didn’t have to check my bank account before shopping, but that’s not my reality. I have to carefully plan everything so I don’t end up in a horrible situation. I want to make a statement with my life. I want to say this: I’m older and wiser and I’m doing the right thing now. I know how to manage my money and I’m a responsible person with a steady income. My main focus at this stage of my life is to have some money so I won’t need to borrow money. I wish my government would strive toward that goal as well.

The tax system in my country is all screwed up. I don’t make that much money to begin with and I get taxed. Then, at the beginning of the year, I go to the tax office with my tax forms to apply for a tax refund. Then I get a portion of my money back, but I have to wait for the check to come in the mail. What a waste of time! Why tax that portion of my paycheck when you’re going to give it back?! I think the government should stop taxing people and only tax businesses. I don’t need the tax preparer and the IRS employee to look at my income and decide how much money I can keep. That’s ridiculous. Let people keep their money and spend it. We Americans are good at wasting money. That’s our culture. If the economy is as bad as everyone says it is, the government should let us keep our money so we can spend it and keep businesses in operation. There’s no need to bail out a private corporation. If executives don’t know how to manage a business properly, they don’t deserve to keep their jobs----certainly not at my expense. Business executives should learn this hard lesson: if you don’t manage your money properly, you’re going to lose it. They need to experience failure so they can learn some valuable lessons from it. If they’re smart, they will stop making stupid decisions or fire those members of management who are incompetent. That’s what I’m experiencing right now: failure. If I could change the tax code, it would be simple: the IRS taxes only businesses and the imported goods they buy. It would be a modest tax. Now, considering all the products and services that people would buy with their tax-free paychecks, the government should have plenty of money for wars & welfare with the tax revenue they get from businesses. And our roads and bridges could be repaired with the gas tax—which is already in place. And each state can pay for schools, firefighters, police officers, etc., with a consumer tax. Simplicity is my solution.

I would like to be able to look forward to the future w/ a sense of excitement. I want my future life to be great. This year my goals are really simple: my main goal is to reduce my debt as much as I can w/o being totally broke. My other goal is to not screw up my job...um, in other words: I want to show my managers that I'm worth keeping. I try everyday to be a good employee. I've been trying not to show up late for work. That's a start.

I don't have a lot of events to look forward to this year. I am planning to go to a family reunion in March. After that, I don't know what else. I like to take long walks in the forest. It relaxes my mind. I'll do that once a month as long as gas prices remain stable. It's a one hour drive to the mountains just northeast from here. It's worth the drive. The pine trees are tall and glorious. The dirt trail takes me to green meadows with large stones scattered about. The winter snow melts and forms creeks in the canyons. The wild flowers decorate the landscape in the spring with yellow, purple, orange colours. When I walk in the forest, there are no human problems to deal with. The natural world doesn't tell me to be the best I can be. It just lets me be. That's what I like about hiking in the mountains.

When I was a teenager, I often lamented about not having a credit card. I wanted to do things like: rent a car or a movie. I didn’t know how to get a credit card, and I didn’t have a credit history. I also didn’t have any debts or bills to worry about.

Fast forward to the future: I am in debt! And the credit cards I managed to get went into default, and the debt was bought by collection agencies. I also have $7000 left to pay for my student loan. This situation sucks. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could get some pay raises. I’m a member of a union with a non-union salary. I’ll have to be patient and work for 5 years to make a union salary. I should just work for the union. One time I read about some union office workers who worked at the shipping ports. They made $27 an hour and they wanted to go on strike to get a raise. I mean, give me a break! I’d be overjoyed if I made that kind of money. I could easily pay off my debts.

All I had to do was make payments on time. All those 30, 60, 90 day late payments have ruined my credit score for years to come. There were times when I just didn’t have the money. There were other times when I wasted money. Yet, for all the money I’ve wasted in the last few years, I haven’t had that much fun. It costs money to visit my family and friends. It costs money to see an occasional movie, or take a short trip to the park just to walk around and look at the lake. This year I won’t do much during my vacation or other days off from work. It’s going to be a while before I borrow money again. I want to use whatever savings I can to reduce debt. Actually, I don’t want to—but I must. I have to wait 7 years to get the negative items off of my credit report. So next year, all those late payments I made in 2002 will disappear. I hope this is the last year I have any more negative items. It's going to take a lot of hard work and sacrifice for me to improve my credit rating.

I’m tired of thinking about all this. When I get my tax return, I’m going to pay the collection agencies what I owe. If I can stop doing stupid things to ruin my credit for the next 7 years, I’ll have a decent credit score. I don’t know what’s worse: no credit or bad credit, but I remember my life used to be a lot better before I started applying for credit cards.

I had a few days off from work and they flew by really fast. I want to know why an 8 hour work shift can't fly by just as fast. It's great to have time off from work, however, I won't make any money because of it. I wish I could find another job 'cause I feel like my work isn't valued at all. I think my managers would be happy if I just suddenly left. There's 100 people waiting to replace me; maybe they can handle the stress & the customers better than I can. It doesn't matter to me. I have to have a job, but I don't have to have a particular job.

I finally saved up some money and got new glasses. I love these glasses. They don't have thick, goofy-looking lenses. My vision is sharp now, thanks to the anti-glare technology. My old glasses gave me headaches. My new glasses look good on my face. I use some clip-on sunglasses when I drive so the sun doesn't bother my eyes.

Today I stood near a lake and fed some bread to some seagulls. Then more seagulls came. And more and more. I escaped to my car and drove for a while and stopped at a parking lot near a river. I sat by the river and looked at the endless flowing water. It was a simple, pleasant moment. Then I drove down a highway to see where it ended. It was a long highway. I passed through two shopping districts. Then the stores faded away and the landscape became miles of farmland. Miles & miles of fruits & vegetables ripening. The highway ended at a truck stop w/ restaurants and a gift shop. It was a place for travelers to get a bite to eat and then go their merry way. I bought a cheeseburger and then drove home.

I was thinking about my life as I was jogging today. I have really made some stupid financial decisions. I could be sitting inside my own house right now if I didn't mess up my credit rating. A few years ago, lenders didn't care if you had a job or not. They wanted to know if you had a good credit score. Now credit is tight. I checked my credit rating online today and found out that I'm "moderately risky." I suppose that's better than being "too risky." So I don't deserve a loan. What else is new? It's my fault, I know. I maxed out my credit cards. I'm sorry about that. Please forgive me, Lord.

There's a lesson to learn here: cause & effect. Cause: I didn't pay my bills & debts in a timely manner. Effect: banks won't give me a loan. And I've spent years wasting time and money. The result is where I am today. I am miserable. I should be miserable. Now is the time to make smart decisions. It will take years for me to see the results, but the results will be good. I just need to be patient and I need to stop doing stupid things.

Ten years ago I wanted to have STUFF. When I was eligible for credit cards, I went crazy! I was under the impression that I could buy whatever I wanted. I had 2 credit cards and I maxed them out within a few months. Then I started paying fees: late fees & over-the-limit fees besides paying interest on the debt. So, instead of being smart and saving up to buy something, I made payments on it...with interest. Why? Because I have to have everything right now! I would spend about 20% more than the sales price of an item. I was losing money real fast. I didn't care at the time. I didn't realize I had to pay back what I borrowed until the bill came in the mail. It's hard to believe when I think about it now. I was out of control. I spent money the same way my government does---irresponsibly. And then I had to have a car. So I financed a car. Then I had a bunch of late payments on that loan. Then my credit card debt went to collection agencies. And they kept calling & calling & calling. And I kept making up lame excuses for not paying my debts. So after a couple of years, I managed to pay off my debts. I was so happy to be debt free! And guess what I did? I celebrated my debt free status by...FINANCING ANOTHER CAR!!! Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. I saved up for a down payment, and I made my payments on time for one year. Then I moved to Los Angeles and looked for a job. I couldn't get a decent job. Nobody wanted to hire me. My bills weren't getting paid on time. I did all sorts of temporary jobs just to pay the bills. The bills got out of control. Late payments. Bad credit. Oh no, here we go again.

Things are a little better now. I have a job. I paid off my car loan. I make sure I pay my bills on time. I think I've learned my lesson this time. I hope I've learned my lesson this time.

I often scold myself for spending too much money. I like to buy stuff, but the sensible part of me tells me not to. So almost everyday I have this argument with myself about how much money I want to spend vs. how much money I earn. If I was a logical person, I'd realize that it's not practical to spend all the money I earn. But I do it anyway. If I feel hungry, I'll spend $6 on fast food. If I'm in a department store and I see a movie on DVD that I like, I'll buy it. I don't care. But at the end of the month, I'll look at my bank statement and say, "Where did all my money go?" And the sensible part of me will say, "I told you so."