(transcribed from yesterday 1.30pm)

I'm sitting in a 'training meeting' in work. Basically I'm being told for the nth time how the The Company is and how very LUCKY I am to be working for them. The middle-aged, middle-class, middle-English white guy is now going through a Group structure chart which illustrates the branches of The Group. Now my question is this: What the holy FUCK am I doing here? This is the type of company I detest - DETEST. I have taken on so much stress and work for THIS? I don't REALLY give a shit. I've just been told that I should be happy to give up my evenings and weekends for the next 6 months to study for my final qualification. Jesus. So I have NO life for 6 months, then I get to work robot-like for this machine. Working 10 - 12 hour days, trying to reach my targets, flogging myself for the Shareholders dividends. As Bjork once sang - 'this wasn't supposed to happen'.

Ok, so. What am I going to do? Well I'm 27. Good age. I have a little cash saved. I want to do something I'm passionate about. Writing interests me, non-fiction. I want to start writing as a hobby to see how it goes, but it's beginning to look like I'm not going to have the time for that. It's not fair. I just want to be happy and have enough money to live. I promised myself I'd never be a wage slave - I'd never compromise my life and inner desires for some plc. (Eeek, I've sat here and bitten all my nails down. How attractive for everyone to watch, and how attractive my nails and fingers now look, lovely).

So I am DETERMINED to sort myself out. The flat has now been confirmed (YAY!) and we move in on 17th May. I've ordered furniture and everything! I think life will be much easier with my own flat. I won't be penned into my pit. I can work at my desk in my bedroom then go into the (beautiful) lounge for breaks and to relax.

I'm going through a weird time, things are changing. I'm re-evaluating things, but I'm very confused. For a start, I'm withdrawing from the net. An hour per day for emailing and stuff is easily adequte. I've already retired from the Chat lol. It had taken over my life, become boring, and also something happened in there that made me realise just what fairweather friends 90% of the people there are. It really sickens me how quick people are to believe something negative about you with NO proof - without even ASKING you for your side. I was even accused of asking someone to take sides! ME! I hadn't even MENTIONED the situation to a third party, in fact the other person had been badmouthing me to all and sundry and I was instantly condemned. Well fuck them all. I won't forget their lack of loyalty, trust and support. Anyway. You know what, I'm not even depressed about it - I EXPECT this shit. I just sigh and move on.

So I feel liberated from the net. I have much more time now, which is something I desperately need. I'm going to spend more time on 'real' people, including those I met via the site such as Lucky, Patrick and Ruffian. I've been re-evaluating other stuff too. You see, Rallen has been staying with me for the last week and it's surprised me. My reaction has been so strange. He's the best friend I've ever had, truly, and I love him and his company so much. However, at times I've been so impatient, moody and snappy. I've felt a bit crowded and not in control. Having someone rely on me, to have to second-guess their feelings and opinions on every single action is SO stressful for me. And also - get ready for a revelation folks - I'm a QUIET person! Oh yes. No, really! Thing is, in a social situation I'm almost always the loud, funny, outrageous one. But when I'm in a smaller group I barely speak. That's me. I guess that's why Chat suited me. Being expected to speak and do stuff and go places... well I find it a real task. Sitting and watching a video or reading or thinking is precious. So I'm lazy! lol. I'm a Libran - sue me!

Anyway, point is I was quite shocked at how independent I am, how in control of my own life I am. I react pretty badly to anyone who interferes with that. Proves once and for all how not ready I am to have a boyf, I'm really not. Not that I have the time anyway.

So! Rallen moves down in 3 weeks time. I have NO doubts about this at all. He is truly wonderful - caring and considerate - and it's gonna be a pleasure living with him. I'm not even worried about not being by myself anymore as we both have our own large bedrooms in different parts of the flat. It's ideal. I feel blessed to have found him, he's the first person I've met who understands me, and WANTS to understand me. My guardian angel. Bless.

Shouts to MozGirl18, Mr Biffo, the gorgeous Melissa, Wandsworth Matt and the others who care.

And a special one to Rallen.

Lou xxxxxxx