*Sigh* God I’m in a weird weird mood. V excited about my date, scared about my work and generally bloody frustrated. I want my date and I want the Star and Garter and I want Rallen to move down! GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRR! Fuck it. I feel all twitchy and snippy and shit.

I spoke to the WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL Melissa last night. God it was amazing to hear her voice again and her lovely laugh. We talked about her visit in June and god I SO can’t wait. I can finally do what I’ve wanted to since the day I met her, and know she wants the same. She’s beautiful, funny, warm and charming. Only 2 months to go!

Another very surprising development. J sent me a photo. Yes! It’s true! It was so weird to receive it. Looking for the first time at the man I fell for but never really knew. And the bastard sent me a pic he knew I’d love. He’s sitting on the kennel roof with his Alsatian puppy, stroking her. God I just melted. You can’t see his face very well, but he looks lovely, and you certainly can see the broad shoulders and something in his manner. Oh god. I hate him. Lol. The shit. We were discussing the inevitability of us meeting, like at some Moz thing in the future. God that’s gonna be a strange one. I’m trying to hard to be detached, and a little cold even, but it’s not in my nature. I can’t deny there’s something there, but what it is I can’t explain because I don’t bloody know.

What’s wrong with me? I was talking to Rallen about this earlier. I just can’t detach myself from people, from emotions. I FEEL too much, too deeply. When I love and admire someone, I just totally fall for them, you know? I kinda get consumed, I want to talk to them and hug them and KNOW them. And I don’t even mean fall IN LOVE necessarily, I just mean find something I love in them, something wonderful about them. It’s happened quite a few times since I’ve been in the chatroom, these wonderful people who just make me feel so happy and interested and lovely. I think that’s why I get so hurt when they won’t phone me, it’s like they’re putting a barrier there cutting themselves off from me.

God I’m weird. I’m in a weird mood. I said that didn’t I? I feel icky. I feel like I’m drifting. I feel alone, confined, solitary. And I know that’ll hurt Rallen to read it, but sorry darling I do. You give me so much love and support and encouragement, but I’m a physical kinda person and I need someone there to hug and reassure me, and to just BE there. And I know, it’ll happen in 6 weeks or so, and then I’ll be fine, I know that. I just have to get through these couple of horrid weeks.

Life’s too short to be without love.

Oh and PS the date, he’s not THAT much of a celebrity, but he is well known. He plays a cult character in a top British comedy show. I’ll let you know who after the event!

Oh I’m thinking too much now so I’m gonna just splurge it all out here:

I just want to feel strong loving arms around me, encasing me. I want to feel loved and adored and wanted and protected. I want to bury my face into a warm neck, feel a hand tenderly stroking my hair, feel a moist kiss on my head. I want to look into eyes that are full of love, affection, trust and honesty. I want to hang on every word, know every facial feature, cherish every gesture. I know I’m capable of feeling and giving this love. I just want the opportunity. I know that person is out there, or at least I think I do. Ok honestly, I HOPE that person is there. I hope my life isn’t a chain of casual sex and hopeless relationships. I want to be consumed by a great love, for it to fill every bit of my life and being. I wish for it every day. I ache for it. I have no fear of commitment, I’m not bitter and twisted and suspicious. Well maybe a little suspicious. I’m ready for this, I want it. In another way I know maybe I’m not. God. Guess I’m a real Morrissey fan eh?

Lou