Northern Bird (4363)

Northern Bird
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I left the North, I travelled South.... Hello! lou, 30, living in North London with the luscious Rallen, but originally from the North West. A girl with a thorn in my side, my main loves are good food, fine wine, BDSM and cats. Semi-retired from Moz-solo, I check in occasionally to check the journals of good friends. Not drowning anymore...
Tuesday February 18, 03

3.30pm

11:44 AM

I really shouldn’t bring my laptop to work lol. It’s 3.10pm and I just have stuff running through my head! My boss asked me how things were going with J, bad timing as always lol. I briefly explained how he felt and how he still wouldn’t phone me and my boss said the same as everyone else, that I shouldn’t waste my time. He said he doesn’t trust me even though I’ve proven myself and lost a friend over it, and he asked what J had done to prove himself. Well, nothing! A few anonymous comments and a declaration in the chatroom when hardly anyone was there. This is not the stuff dreams are made of! I am desperately trying to decide whether it’s worth it. Now he will ask what the problem is and why can’t we be friends, but he must KNOW it’s not that simple. He says how much he craves love and a partner, but it seems to me he won’t let anyone in. You can’t have it both ways!

See, now I feel guilty that I’m being a bitch. Other people tell me I’m being far too tolerant and reasonable, he tells me I’m being unreasonable. I swing between them. I would definitely forget the whole thing right now if I thought it totally wasn’t worth it, but part of me is convinced it is. However I know there’s a 99% chance nothing will ever come of it. Damn, maybe I just need to chill the fuck out and be a friend. But no! I’ve tried that! Before I went on holiday I decided to end the whole thing, and I told him so too. He asked if we could stay friends and I told him no, I didn’t think we could. After a loooong discussion he convinced me. Of course within days it was back to the same, compliments, deep talks and flirting. I can’t be friends with someone I know is judging me, weighing up whether I’m worthy of anything more. He is reminding me more and more of HIM, my supposed best friend who screwed me up, claiming friendship whilst flirting and being so kind and attentive, winding me up to a crescendo then telling me he just saw me as a friend. When I finally adjusted to that he’d start again, telling me how special I was and how much he loved me, and phoning me at 3am to ‘talk’. It was cruel, and I was under his spell even though I could see how he was manipulating me. I held on to that shred of hope, and it consumed 15 months of my life. I will NOT go through that again, especially with a name on a screen.

My boss also voiced another little niggling thought that I’d once had. J could be married or in a relationship. That’s why he won’t phone or let me phone him. It would also explain why he didn’t send a Vals card, it would be evidence that could be used against him. It all adds up. I could be his bit of entertainment and titillation, the woman who understands him where his partner doesn’t. However, I’m not believing this. It makes perfect sense but I want to believe him, his words seems so genuine, he talks and thinks just like me, and that kind of thing can’t be invented. So, maybe naively, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Having said all that, I will NOT get into that terrible situation again, waiting and hoping for something more. I will not and AM not that person any more. I told him when we were still just friends, I want a STRONG respectful man. He knew that way before we ever had feelings for each other. He knew my terms, and if he couldn’t respect them he should never had told me he likes me.

Ok rant over. I’m sorry if this hurts you J, but you choose to read my diary and I won’t edit it for your taste. In the absence of someone to listen to my constant whining (except for Rallen of course) I need to get this all out of my system. It also helps you to understand how I feel without interruption. If you want to be loved, stop refusing to be.

Goodnight, and thank you!

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