Another cold! ANOTHER cold? Fucks sake. On top of a period too. Mother Nature hates me, and the feeling's mutual.

I'm recovering from my parents visit. It depressed me intensely. I feel so detached from them. They are SUCH strange people. Dull, boring, shallow, scared people. BEIGE people. And so TIGHT. They wouldn't spend a penny. These are the people who have no friends, hobbies or jobs. They just exist, househunting and walking the dog. When I picked them up from the station they were impressed by my car and asked how my job was going. Then it started. On and on and on about looking for a house. And that's all they talked about. Didn't have any decent topics of conversation, didn't ask about me or my life. Didn't mention me and Rallen once.

While they were here EVERY action had to be questioned - is there a cheaper way, do we HAVE to do it, is there a different way to do it? They were moaning about being hungry and needing to eat so I asked them what they wanted to eat. 'It's up to you' 'but I'm not hungry' 'but you decide' 'but I don't want to eat, what is it you fancy? Just tell me and I'll take you, I'll even pay' 'You decide, anywhere will do'. I think I took them to 5 places. In the end they turned on me and I told them I'd leave them to it and go home if they didn't either shut the fuck up or tell me what it was they wanted. They accused me of being immature.

See it just doesn't translate on here. I had nothing to say to them. They wouldn't even have any food except British or bland Italian. They wouldn't go anywhere that served garlic in the food. In the evenings they wanted to stay in and went on the net looking at houses. I mean what the fuck?

Their total lack of interest in me or my life, london or culture really brought back my childhood in the most painful way. The boredom, the frustration, witnessing the total and utter fear of the unknown or unusual. Me being the sensible rational one yet being accused of immaturity when I lose it with them. It's hard being more intelligent and deep than your parents. They thrive on routine and empty lives. Here's my Dad: when he's out say shopping or visiting or walking the dog, he's just counting the minutes til he gets back home. He'll go to his mother's for an hour and start pacing, he can't wait to leave and get home. It's like he's agoraphobic. He gets home, makes a cup of tea and checks his bank balance online.

Of course I love my parents, I do. They aren't deliberately nasty people, although they can be unintentionally cruel. They're just rather stupid and VERY short sighted. You have to pity it. It's just so hard coz I want parents who adore me and fuss and want to know about my life, what I enjoy, who I love. All they wanted was my advice on FUCKING houses, knowing full well that's my job and I don't want to talk about it all evening when I've been working all day, and on my day off.

It's brought back my determination not to have children. Every so often, especially when me and Rallen are getting on well and are thinking of the future, I find myself thinking that maybe I would consider it. I told Rallen he'd have to be the 'mother' at home and I'd have my career and more space, to which he agreed - he'd hate to leave them all day anyway. Even when I feel more positive, I'm still only say 30% sure I'll have them. At times like this, seeing what genes they would have and the effect my issues could have on them, I am again convinced it would be the wrong thing to do. Sure I could teach them loads in a practical way, and about life and stuff. But I am very independent and spontaneous, I can't imagine a 24 hour commitment for 5 years, never mind 16. I simply could not plan my day around other people. What about weekends? What if I fancied a drink after work? What if I wanted to go shopping? What if I was having a period and wanted to stay in bed and eat chocolate? What if I wanted to fuck on my sofa or have an afternoon of bondage? Having children means becoming a suburbanite - my biggest nightmare.

See this is what it comes down to. I never ever my whole life wanted the suburban thing. At 21 I was going to the local uni and had a 4-year relationship. I'd lived in shitholes and wanted my own house so I didn't have to live in any more crap, and it was cheaper than renting anyway. So I bought a house. We had a typical 3 bed detached house with gardens and a garage, 2 cars, the lot. I was 21. It stifled me. I sat in bored to absolute tears. There was no sex, no friends, no life. The only time I went out was to college, work and shopping. I didn't binge but my diet was unhealthy and I did NO exercise so I became a size 24 (26 US). I was suicidal a lot of the time, I just wanted to be somewhere else. Still I held on until I finished college, comprimising with myself that if I hadn't made changes by a year after graduation then I'd end the pain. Well in the end I finished the (now 8 year) relationship 6 months after graduating and moved to London after 10 months.

The point is I can't bear the mundane life. And I don't want to have to care for somebody, it's too exhausting. I can't even look after Rallen when he's ill, I feel suffocated. I would end up fucking up my kids as much as my mother fucked me up. She was bored too, she hated her life. Unfortunately her only outlet for her frustration was me. The physical pain was occasional, the mental pain more frequent. I was expected to be perfect, but with little support or encouragement. Anyway I don't want to go into that. What I'm trying to express is that I am not mentally capable of committing to kids 24/7 for 16 years, and that's what it would have to be. I worked so hard for my life and I feel I need to do so much more. I need to take opportunities and not be stifled.

And what if I could still have freedom, would I have them then? Well how would you bring them up? You try to bring them up well and they wouldn't be able to cope in this harsh world. As soon as they got to school the little bastards whose parents have shit for brains would rub off on my kids and they'd be just as bad, otherwise they'd be bullied by them. What the hell are you supposed to do? What if my kids were like my parents? Or my sister? It would be unbearable. What do you do if you dislike your kids? No. I guess I'll have to wait until Rallen gives up hope that I'll change my mind (about 5 years I reckon), then although I'll be lonely at least I'll have him as my best friend and I can be 'auntie' to his kids - spoil them for a day then give them back and go back to my immaculate home lol.

Right that's quite enough from me. I'm on my third tissue and have a raging thirst, and Withnail is biting his bars for some attention and he's not getting it from Rallen as he's playing some strategy/shoot em up on his Playstation. The journals really are great, do keep it up my darlings.

Hugs to all,

Lou xxx