I really feel like my soul is dying. Every time someone hurts me, uses me, abuses my trust, a little more of it gets diseased. There's not much left now. I've nearly always had someone, no matter how vague, in the background. When things were bad in my relationship I had my parents, when I moved down here I had J, then when he fucked me up and at the same time my parents emmigrated, for a couple of months I had no one. That's the last time I was on prozac.

Then someone else entered my life, and when John hurt me he was there. He was my support and gave love and attention, and I thought here was the friend I kept for life - whose kids I'd play with, whose wife I'd have coffee with, whose parents I adore. Well, no hope no harm - just another false alarm. Now I have no one. I feel completely alone.

Usually at these times I ask myself if it's me. Am I a bad person? Do I deserve to be used as I'm so naive. But not this time. I have given everything I can and some more. I've put my security on the line. I've passed up opportunities.

I really don't GET people. I don't understand. How can people live with themselves? How do they get through each day? How can they look in the mirror? Don't they realise that if they give joy to other people then it'll be returned? Well maybe not. Maybe they learned long ago that people will always let you down. I just refused to believe everyone is the same. Yes I am blind.

Scavenging through life's very constant lulls....

L