Northern Bird (4363)

Northern Bird
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I left the North, I travelled South.... Hello! lou, 30, living in North London with the luscious Rallen, but originally from the North West. A girl with a thorn in my side, my main loves are good food, fine wine, BDSM and cats. Semi-retired from Moz-solo, I check in occasionally to check the journals of good friends. Not drowning anymore...
Sunday June 01, 03

Hello

04:29 AM

I've been wanting to write all week but I just never know where to start!

I'm going through a transitional phase I think, everything seems slightly surreal. Maybe I'm adjusting to the move - they always unsettle me a bit, but I think it's more the way things are right now. I actually gave my hated coursework in this week, once and for all. Now starts the really heavy stuff that will get me my professional qualification (or not). From now until November it's solid study. I don't really have thoughts on this, I'm feeling rather bereft of fight. I realise that as I get what I want, slowly but surely, it doesn't really make me any happier or fulfilled. I realised when I was about 20 that I was never going to be truly happy, and promised myself that if I still felt unhappy by 25 that then I would put myself out of my misery. Well I'm 27 now, and things aren't hugely better but I figure that I should get the home, job, lifestyle that I perceive will make me happy and if that doesn't work then that's the time. Or actually, I think I'd just sell it all and walk away. Go abroad. There's so much to experience and see before giving up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed. As I said, I just feel unsettled and weird and a bit kinda mithered. I don't want to be BOTHERED. I feel anxious quite a lot of the time, like with a sense of foreboding. I think this is mostly down to my job, where things are difficult in the office. Everyone's under pressure and the office is not performing as we're expected. Don't know what they want us to do when it's acknowledged that the central London housing market has crashed. Oh well. That's the kind of fascist company I work for these days.

I had my flatwarming last Sunday, it went really well. Everyone adored the flat and complimented my food, woo hoo! I am famous for being a useless cook but it seems things are changing. My flatmate thinks I'm great too so there must be some truth in it.

I had a bit of a thing with my parents last week too. They have only been back a few weeks and things were back to normal - them only phoning me when they need favours. I just saw red and told my Dad that I feel they only contact me when they need me, and don't ever support me or put themselves out for me. He was surprised and said it never even occurred to him - I said that's the point. I told him I had been on Prozac last time I saw them and they didn't even know. He said he thought I was ok, I told him he never actually asked. Then he felt really bad and that just made me feel bad. I told him just to realise that I'm not as sorted and strong as I appear. Yes people, I'm actually seen as a pretty tough bird! Only you people see what a mess I really am sometimes. But aren't parents meant to know these things? Anyway it felt good to get it out in the open and they're much better now.

Anyway onto lighter things. I've now got Broadband woo hoo and a fab new photo hosting site so I've been uploading my photos. You may view them here:

http://lou.fotopic.net/

Don't worry they're not all me, they're all Moz related somehow. There's S&G photos, London Moz Tour, Moz-Solo friends and Morrissey pics. Please have a look then leave comments either on here or on the photos themselves. It's a great site btw, really user friendly and 250mb of FREE webspace!

In other FABULOUS news, Melissa is coming to stay for a week from Wednesday YAAAAAAAAY! I'm unbelievably excited, and some quality time at last. Blissful.

Anyway it's a lovely day so me and the flatmate are heading off to Hampstead Heath with a picnic.

Love you all,

Lou xx

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  • I saw the site. I used one of the Moz pics to e-mail a friend. He'll get a kick out of that. I'll go back and see more later. Cool site, GD!
    redpathetic -- Sunday June 01 2003, @05:03AM (#63404)
    (User #6184 Info)
    Happy in this final acceptance of his own absurdity...Albert Camus
  • Oh dearest... I'm sure now that you told your parents they'll try better to listen to you, and to care for you. Sometimes they just don't see the obvious things, although we expect them to perceive them... as you know, I've just started to learn it myself, to always speak out my expectations, or to say when something is wrong. It's sometimes nicer when close friends and relatives read your mind, or simply notice when something is wrong, but it doesn't always happen...

    I just read about "how to find happiness" again in a magazine (yes, oh dear!) ... but what they said sounded true to me: don't look back to the past, make yourself free from nostalgia, don't live in the future either but try to enjoy the smallest moments that you have in the nowness of now, like reading my comment packed with love for you ;)
    xxx
    sweetness
    sweetnesss <[email protected]> -- Sunday June 01 2003, @12:31PM (#63457)
    (User #4385 Info | http://www.sweetness-online.de/)
    Life can only be understood in reverse.
  • Great web site, it all looks so fun!

    See you in TWO DAYS>.....

    Love & Airplanes,
    Melissa!!!!!
    goblinmoz -- Sunday June 01 2003, @10:43PM (#63489)
    (User #1580 Info)
    "now my heart is full..."


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