OK so it’s 12.45pm and I’m in work. I can’t concentrate. I went to bed at 2am and had horrible nightmares. I was running up the High Street of where I come from, naked, with my hair covered in some kind of dirt. I was running uphill, struggling to get up there and find a lake where I could bathe myself and wash all the dirt away. People were laughing and pointing at me and I was so humiliated. There was also a bit where there was this guy who was a student and lived with his parents and I was staying in his room. I got into his bed and he told me to get out, he didn’t want me. He started being really nasty to me and I felt so worthless. Who said dreams are not significant! Lol.

So the thing with J is finished. Steph read my diary yesterday and thank god contacted me to talk. Turns out that as I had suspected all along, he had been keeping us both dangling, playing us off against each other. So we had a 3-way conversation and got it all out, which was really good. We all needed it and it resolved all the horrendous mess. Me and Steph are closer than ever now. I feel that rather than denting our friendship and having an underlying mistrust, it’s strengthened it forever. We always loved each other, and never even blocked each other from messenger which I think speaks volumes. We just didn’t want to cut that last link, and ultimately that paid off for both of us.

So J apologised and faced up to what he had done. I respect him for that. There was no denial, just explanations, and at the end of it I feel so sad for him. He had the chance of real happiness and he threw it away because of his deep insecurity. I really hope he gets the help he realises he needs. I want to try to be there to support him, but I don’t know if I have the strength as yet. I will never trust him properly again, but I will be a shoulder for him and I’m willing to listen and advise. He’s a person in pain, deep pain, and I can’t just turn away from that. I’ve told him to write to me, so it comes straight from the heart, and I think it would really help me clarify his thoughts. I doubt he will though, I think he’ll choose to wallow and block his true feelings with substances. I hope he doesn’t. Me and Steph fell for a wonderful man – loving, affectionate, funny, deep. He’s still there underneath the crap and he should realise that. He may have blown it with us, but there will be someone out there for him. He just needs to admit he needs help.

I’ve run out of words now. I feel like I’ve lost the chance of happiness, and of having a soulmate. I wish I could fall for a normal person. But then again, I’m hardly well adjusted now am I? Talking of which, I found this ace quiz, ‘which Morrissey song are you?’ Guess which one I was? And this applies to J too:

‘Maladjusted, maladjusted, maladjusted; never to be trusted, oh never to be trusted’

I would really appreciate comments today people, anything. Doesn’t have to be advice or sympathy, just let me know you’re there. I feel really sad and needy right now, and knowing you’re out there is a great help. Thanks. Particular shouts go to Melaise, Foxy, Rallen and James, and that Grillo person, thanks love!

Love you all xx