I feel strange at the moment. ‘So,’ asks you, dear reader, ‘what’s new?’ Fair point. But no, I feel like I’m on the edge of something, like something’s about to happen. What is it? No idea. I just know I don’t feel comfortable. I’m feeling twitchy again. When I feel like this bad things happen lol. Usually when I feel like this I go and buy some goth clothes, dye my hair or have it cut, or once I even went out and had a threesome! I just feel boring and restless, and I kinda challenge myself to do something wild, to break out. It’s not such a bad thing. I know what my next thing is: a tattoo. I know what I want and where, but I can’t have it done yet as I’m going to the States in 10 days time. Got to wait!

Did I mention my ex is taking me to the states? Well I say taking me, I’m gonna pay about 3/5 of it. He’s got some spare cash at the moment and I’m always treating him so now he wants to treat me, bless him. It’s his 30th birthday and he wanted to do something exciting. Everyone has been teasing me about us shagging. It’s just not gonna happen. Last time I went home at xmas he started snogging and groping me, and I promise you it felt SO weird, so unnatural. It felt almost incestuous. It made me sad in a way that I don’t have any sexual feelings any more, when once I wanted him so much. But it was good in that it confirmed my strong suspicion that I felt nothing for him other than a deep fond brotherly love. It’s good to have him as my best friend, he’s always there for me and always will be, and I am for him too. I just hope future partners won’t have problems with that, ‘cause they’ll have to go jump if they do.

So I’m gonna meet up with my gorgeous wonderful friend Melissa in NYC. I so can’t wait, she’s a very precious person, I adore her. She gave me this book, ‘The Perks of being a Wallflower’. OMG I started reading it yesterday and I read half of it all in one. It’s so amazing. It’s like it was me writing it as a child, although I wasn’t that prone to crying lol. She’s so amazing to have thought of giving me that book, she obviously knows me very well. I wonder what would happen if she lived in London, as I’m very fond of her. But she doesn’t *shrug*

As for the guy, the one I mentioned. Well I was right to feel worried, I could tell something was strange. And well he told me that he had slept with someone over the weekend. I wasn’t upset or shocked, but maybe the timing surprised me a little. Seems a strange thing to have done when we had just got everything sorted and out in the open and I was feeling really positive. But hey, I guess he needed some intimacy, some contact. Hell, I can relate to that. So I’m not upset. Maybe I should be? I feel sorry for him, he’s so mixed up and weary and I just want to hold him and stroke his hair. Yet I wouldn’t know him if he walked past me in the street, or if he phoned me. Yes friends, he is a Moz-Solo person. Now don’t get me wrong it’s not like he’s my boyfriend or anything, we just feel attracted to each other so we’re getting to know each other. It’s hard though because of external factors. All we want to do it talk and laugh and relate, but it’s being made more or less impossible. Still, at least I have a few good friends to talk to who are supportive. It just bugs me the way this situation has panned out, with me looking like the baddy, the manipulative bitch. I know I shouldn’t care what those people think if they’re not going to give me the benefit of the doubt, but I do.

You know, I feel like the old me today, the real me. I really needed a break. And as a very dear friend told me last night (whilst he was keeping me up talking till 12.35am), I’ve been going to bed far too late and getting overtired. So now I’m gonna be off the net by 10.30pm every night. That’s it. In fact, I’m gonna stay off the net a lot more now, it’s affecting my sense of reality. I reckon 2 to 3 hours a night is more than enough, instead of the 6/7 I’ve been on there recently. So I’ve arranged to go out tomorrow night with a very good friend for a meal and some cocktails. I have to make the effort to ‘participate’, as my book says. So I’m gonna get back into a social life, even if it’s drinks one evening a week. I’m also gonna try to go to the gym twice a week, but at least once. The damn membership costs me £30 a month so I have to use it.

I never told you about the bookshop guy did I? Or did I……. let me check. Anyway I’m gonna go back and show him the Smiths book, have a conversation. I promised myself I wouldn’t hold back from meeting guys because of the MS guy as chances are that will never amount to anything, and if it does then great. No doubt one of two things will happen: i) he’ll have loads of emotional baggage and mess me about (not on purpose) and ultimately confuse then hurt me; or ii) I’ll get to know him and he’ll be really sweet and lovely but not in a sexual way and I’ll have to leave him and hurt him. Hahahahahahaha god I’m a pessimistic bitch aren’t I! I don’t know, I’ll think about my next move.

At least now I have a very close and dear friend to support and love me, who accepts my support and love in return. He means so much to me and I’m so glad to have finally met someone who thinks and feels just like me. It gives me hope and makes me happy. He’s sweet and funny and adorable, and I don’t think he’ll ever let me down. Bless him. I feel stronger for having him in my life, and I hope in some way I help him too.

‘You shut your mouth, how can you say I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does’

PS Come on Moz, give us a new album!

PPS It’s just occurred to me where this clear head and good mood could have come from. I woke up at 6am, really horny after having a really rude dream. So I masturbated, and god it felt SO good. It lasted for ages and felt really intense and oh god I felt more alive and full of pleasure than I have for ages. I had a terrific orgasm, even though I’ve had difficulty having one whilst on these pills. Yay! I then went back to sleep until my alarm went off! Maybe that would be a good way to start every day!

PSS I texted the South African. Hell, I need some fun and he likes me. Some affection and attention is what I need, and a small dose will keep me going for a few weeks or months. We both know where we stand so why not. And yes guys, I have plenty of condoms!!