Have an overwhelming feeling of ickiness. Sitting here, 9am, late for work. Took all my strength to get out of bed. Feel so horrible, and hating myself for the self-pity - it really is pathetic. I'm so touched by everyone's comments over the last 2 days, thank you. I will reply tonight, I have to go to work. A few days ago I was feeling ok, looking forward to December with all the parties and happiness. Now I feel so alone, useless and hopeless. I'm behind with my work which is worrying the shit out of me. Friends haven't been in touch. A is now a distant memory.

God, listen to me, I'm pathetic. I've been alone too much recently. It makes me dwell, overanalyse. I bore myself. I go out and buy clothes to try to validate myself, to make myself more attractive (have I failed?). That is NOT gonna get me friends. I have to learn to deal with the fact that I'm never gonna be happy, loved and surrounded by friends. Life is not like that. We just have to muddle through the best we can.

God, I'm sitting on my bed. It's now 9.10am. I'm having to summon up the strength to leave the flat. I'm losing it. Listen to me - me me me. I DO care about other people. I'm worried about several people at the moment, I've emailed them and texted them, but each one is ignoring me. I'm trying to be here for them but I guess it's not what they require.

I know I'm unloveable, you don't have to tell me.

GD