God I'm tired, I just had 11 hours sleep. The boy has left me for the weekend and gone to visit his best friend in Southampton. I was invited too but I knew I had to work late Friday night and couldn't face the 2 hour drive. So last night I went to bed at midnight (Rallen said he wouldn't phone me after midnight) and I decided not to set the alarm, to catch up with my sleep. I figured I'd wake up around 10am but it was 11am, and my face is all puffy and I have black rings under my eyes. Bleugh.

This week has flown. I can't really remember much except work. I had my gym induction on Thursday which was great. I was really pleased because the instructor said I'm good on the weights, my start-off weights are much higher than most women. I told him well that makes sense seeing as I'm 5'11", I'm more like a man! He said my upper body strength is good. Must be all that wanking lol. Oh dear. Anyway I'm determined to go twice a week at least, and I want to do Y
yoga at least once a week. Rallen joined too so at least once of us should get over the laziness.

I'm beginning to feel a bit moody. I should be minted but I'm spending loads on paying back credit cards and day-to-day stuff. When you're regularly working 9-10 hour days you really want to be able to treat yourself. I think this month is bad because of paying £600 off one credit card, then of course £280 on Morrissey tickets. Then I treated myself to a PVC corset and bought some toys. Oh and the glasses were £325. So of course it's my own fault lol. I'm glad I get my expenses paid mid-month, that should get me through.

God I'm rambling. I use this journal for so many reasons, and a lot of the time it's to clarify what's going on in my own head - especially now I work so much. All my time is taken up either by work or by Rallen. It's so intense that I don't have time to think like I used to. Which can be a good thing, obviously. I do worry though. I'm missing out on stuff by being with Rallen, but on the other hand he gives me so much. Things just aren't ideal. It's fun being with someone younger, but I find myself doing stuff that I did with my ex, and vowed never to do again. Like looking out for him, helping him with all sorts of stuff, sorting his life out. I told myself I need to stay away from these cute little indie boy, who are all very affectionate and cute and sensitive but ultimately a bit useless, needy and total dreamers. Especially as I had to surrender all my dreams and be sensible for the sake of a career. I had to just be practical, fight to do my degree and then get through my training, which as you all know was hell for me. Why can't boys do this? It's all angst for them. I'm ranting now, this isn't all about Rallen lol. Just things that go through my head when I meet guys my age and see who my mates date and stuff.

Why can't I do what my parents want and date someone who's older, sorted and mature? Would dating a lawyer or something be so bad? They can't all be boring, conventional and narrow-minded. I guess it's because of the circles they move in, their interests, and their life plan. Like in 5 years they'll be wanting to buy a house in Surrey and start breeding. Is that it? No idea.

Confused!