God I wish I kept all the fees I earn. I did one inspection today that took an hour and earned me £600.

God I feel weird. I feel sad. I think I feel a bit stagnant. This was bound to happen. I know I've never actually expected to be happy even if I reached all my goals, and I'm not surprised by it. It's just crap. Money and success isn't everything folks, although I admit it makes things easier. However life is still life, people are people, society is society.

I move amongst high flying professionals and millionaires, working in the most exclusive area in the country, but it means nothing to me. I still have red hair, a nose stud, a Hello Kitty punk watch and a £5 silver celtic band ring. I don't feel inferior anymore, and I don't feel fake, I just feel like an observer. Like someone who's as good as them but isn't sucked in. I play the game.

So at the moment I'm working 9 til 6/7pm, then coming home and eating, and watching tv before an early night.
Weekends we've been having lots of fun, but not getting any of the chores done that we should be. I just have NO time. I want to get a cleaner but Rallen still has his Northern outrage thing. Anyway, the point is that life feels a bit treadmill-ish. I want to plan stuff and see places and be pampered but it's not happening soon.

I guess the main thing on my mind at the moment is that I feel insecure still in my relationship. I just can't help feeling like I'm the latest in a line of crushes, and I've only got the commitment because it's easier with our living circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I know he doesn't consciously think like that but maybe it's subconscious. I mean, what does he have to lose? The only difficulty will come when he meets someone else who he really wants, then he'll have to hurt me. He doesn't believe that's going to happen anytime soon so why worry about it now?

I know you all now think I'm being irrational but you don't know the circumstances. He's into tall, strong, sassy, sexy women and I suspect, falls in love easily. I'm scared this is infatuation. You know what, I should chill out. Maybe it's for the best. I know there's little chance this can last long term as a romantic relationship so why am I worried? Why do I feel so deeply? I've always been an intense person and I just can't seem to go through people like everyone else.

We agreed last week to have an open relationship, I initiated the conversation. Although it was more for his benefit, maybe that's what I need. Maybe I should contact one of the Yahoo guys, or one of the other sites I belong to. Some of them sound intelligent, sweet and sexy. I should want that but I can't be arsed, I guess I'm scared of being disappointed, and I'm scared of disappointing them. I can't help thinking that they'll think I'm cool and funny, but shame about the body. I'd really love to have wild sex with virtual strangers, to really let myself go, but I feel inhibited by my body. I need to lose at least 50lb.

God this has become a sprawling, randon entry. And I'm expressing my feelings really badly so I'll probably really hurt my boyfriend. Great. I just find it so hard to be short-term, or casual. I'm a Libran, I believe that love is forever. Casual doesn't compute.

Anyway I'm feeling all maudlin now and it's not helping that there are a load of fucking freaks in Chat and none of my friends are in there or on messenger.

I'm going to go and watch the end of Queer Eye, that'll cheer me up :o)

Night all xx