Ooh I dunno, I keep changing my mind about how I feel about stuff. I swing from feeling very insecure to rather secure in my relationship. They always say it's better to start off as friends before things progress, and I agree with that, however the result is that you can't help but worry whether the other person genuinely sees you in a romantic way.

I have a major hang-up about his ex. Not your average thing, but he loved her SO much and it seems she was only very slightly less than perfect, so how can I compete? Actually I CAN compete, I think I have a lot of good features that she didn't have, which almost equal her most wondrous points. But it's not all about what I think, it's him too and I worry sometimes that I'm a compromise. I know that if a genie told him he could have anything in the world, he'd want her. That can be hard for me to deal with. I know it's early days, very early, but I'm such an intense person and we're so very close that I can't help thinking about it.

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I wrote that this morning, but time beat me and I had to go to work.

I've realised recently other ways in which I've been changing over the last year. I'm FAR less organised now, and try to get round my responsibilities. I mean I still pay my bills on time and stuff, but if there's some dispute I'm much less likely to give myself hassle over it if it's for a small amount. I've lost a lot of my fight, and I don't think that's a negative thing. I just realise that it's not worth the time or stress. Time has become so vital. I spent the whole of 2003 - the WHOLE year - feeling under pressure and stressed and guilty about the study I should be doing. I now really REALLY appreciate the luxury of just sitting and being, or reading, or watching tv, without worrying. Peace of mind. It's the best thing in the world, apart from being in love.

I've also come to realise that I am quite intelligent with everyday things, and I should give myself more credit. Things that I can do and take for granted, other people have to really work at. I should be grateful for that, and not dismiss other people as stupid because things don't come so easily. I know all this because of what several people have pointed out in the last year. It's really cool, but it also makes me wonder if I should be using my skills more. I mean I know I have a great profession with good money, but shouldn't I be starting my own business - using my range of skills and my creativity? I've got to be careful with this extra money and save a good portion, that way when I come up with a good business plan I'll have the capital to get going. I've just got a £14,000 pay rise and even after tax that's got to be £800 per month right? So no excuses.

Would you believe I've developed ANOTHER cold? My nose has been running like a tap all day, it's awful. I'm so run down, in the last week I've had that, thrush and little sores in my nose. Maybe I should take vitamin tablets.

And last but not least, many many thanks and love to gorgeous Natalie who sent me lovely xmas pressies in the post, including a rather fabulous black feather pen!!! Thanks Nats xxxxx

Anyway that's it from me for now, I need a lie down.

Lou xx