God I feel like SHIT. I have some sort of energy-sapping cold from hell which prevents me getting up before 11am and has my head pounding and nose running. I really wanted to go to work today but c'est ne possible pas.

Me and my beloved have cleared the air totally. I was so taking the whole thing as rejection, believing he was looking out for something better. I know I've said about this before, but there were still a few niggling things that didn't add up. He explained everything and I now understand his love and respect for me, and his total honesty and courage in telling me he's not able to have an intense relationship. He DOES want to be with me, but for several reasons is incapable. He's scared I'll find someone else in the meantime, and maybe I will. At the moment I can't see me connecting with someone like I do with him, but I am meeting quite a few guys who interest me at the moment. And girls for that matter. I'm just going to go with the flow whilst remembering not to be naive.

So my current thinking is to keep an open mind on my life and go for it. I'm getting more into the S&M scene, and this is something I really want to explore. I've kept quiet about it on here until now but it's such an important part of my life that I have to mention it at least. It'll shock and amaze you all to know that no, I'm not a dominatrix, I am in fact a sub(missive). I don't think I'll go into detail on this because a) it's not in context and b) people probably won't understand. Feel free to leave questions/comments in the comments. Anyway, I've joined a few websites and had lots of offers, and I'm planning a visit to Leeds to visit a very sexy couple for some fun and punishment!

I've decided my life is on track. I'm 28 in 3 weeks time. I have a gorgeous flat, and a flatmate I adore who is also my best friend. We have many plans to have weekends away, go to indie discos, visit galleries and lots more. I want to pass my final exam in November and that means I'll be pratising properly from January and earning bloody decent money. Even if I have fun with my flatmate and lots of kinky sex for 2 years, I'll still only be 30. If I do decide to settle and have kids (which I reckon has about a 20% probability) then I have 5 years in which to meet someone, settle and start breeding! I think 35 is an ideal age to have kids.

In the end I contacted 4 of the Yahoo guys, and 3 of them have replied. They're all really nice. One is nice but maybe a little dull; one is really cool and funny but blonde, into techno and a bit camp; and the other one is hilarious, cool but a Taurean. I've decided to make allowances for this and am hoping he's got a strong rising sign.

My parents went to Australia yesterday for 3 months. Bastards. I'm really glad they've finally found the courage and sense of adventure they've been missing all their lives. Took them both 50 years to chill the hell out but they got there in the end. I wonder if they regret their boringness. I know my mother does. My Dad's a typical Taurean - conventional, a little dull and wants a safe secure life. I know I'm like him in some ways, but I've fought over the last 10 years to be different. Anyway, I'm too tired to go into that right now, it would be a long entry, and I think there's been enough revelations in this one anyway.

Love to you all.

Lou xxx