Oh god oh god oh god. My life is in a constant agitated state. I feel stressed and on edge ALL the time, even when I'm with my beloved. I just want things to go well for a while. I just want to do normal things. I want to go to work, do my work and come home to a decent home and relax with my loved one. Why can't this happen? Everything is messy - metophorically and literally. I can't seem to pull it together. I feel like I'm at screaming pitch in my head. I've let everything go - bills, responsibility, hard work. I feel like I'm the one trying to hold everything together, many people's lives.

I've always felt since I was about 14 that I could never be happy, that even if I got all the normal things - money, home, boyfriend, nights out, holidays - it still wouldn't make me content. Well I was right. Life is intolerable. Even when I'm out in a bar with supposed friends with a drink in my hand, I feel sad and bored and agitated. Why?? I'm so rarely happy. People keep telling me things will improve but I'm almost 28 now. Major factor: I HATE my job. HATE it. I sit there and bite my nails looking for somewhere to start, but I'm always stopped by something. It's not meant to be like this. I'm tired by it all. I feel tired and ill and upset. I can't fight anymore. I'm in a shit job and a shit routine and I can't help myself. I have no time to myself which doesn't help. I'm so busy worrying about my flatmate, my ex and my parents. Well I have problems too. Probably worse than theirs, coz at least none of them work and their worries relate to that. At least they can worry whilst lying in and relaxing and having their own space. I have to get up and go to work and put up with the shit.

Well no more. Well, lol, I say that but what am I gonna do? What exactly? I have no idea. I've run out of solutions. I've changed jobs and moved and tried to meet new people. I've lost weight, changed my look and got out more. I'm more unhappy than ever. The only successful part of my life is my sex life, but big deal. That just complicates things even more really.

Well sorry for the shit entry but I had to get it all out. I got my new laptop yesterday so hopefully I should be around more, so if you've emailed me in the last month or 2 I'll reply soon I promise (esp you Biffo).

Thanks for listening.

Lou xx

PS Anonymous, will you marry me?